Saturday, July 31, 2010

Holy Eggs Batman

Well, ladies, I won't knokw until tomorrow how many are mature, and right now I am in a lot of pain, but, it went well.

26 eggs!

More updates tomorrow. On my way home now, and it's a 90 minute drive. Thanks for all your support up to this point! Keep the positive coming!

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Friday, July 30, 2010

Photo Friday: PLAY!

The ever-fabulous Calliope has come up with yet another fabulous theme for the week: PLAY. As in how do we play. And I will admit to being less than creative this week. I've barely wanted to move off the sofa. So I dug into the archives. So, here you get a journey of me just being totally silly....which is how I get through my day :) Funny clothes, funny faces, funny everything :)

This is my Superhero stance. Complete with cartoon-style sledgehammer! Ready to take on the world!
This is one of my "adopted" little sisters...and when we are together shenanigans happen...like picking each other's noses.

This one is small...not sure why. But it's one of my best recent self-portraits (before I chopped my hair off the most recent time, obviously)...I make that face a lot.

Ahhh, yes....it was Moustache March at camp, and I just couldn't be left out. This was the week I got engaged to my DH, I think :)

Told you I made that face a lot. DH and I both being silly :)

This was an attempt to cheer myself up...it's right before we found out about my tubes. I let Chica dress me, and then added some flair...the socks and headband. And yes, I went to work like that. Because I'm cool like that. Or silly.

So, while I also do things like dance like a fool (difficult to capture, and certainly not this week), and I car dance like mad, I had to bust out the archives while my ovaries work their little bums off. This is how I play in everyday life :)
Speaking of which...they are thinking 11 eggs, up to 17, at retrieval tomorrow. I will, of course, let you all know how it goes :)
P.S. Charlie flew about 6 feet this morning and nearly got himself eaten by Buddha. Silly bird. I am waiting for his tail feathers to grow in all the way and then I think he'll be on his own :)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Crazy Going Slowly Am I

This photo calms me down. And I took it with the new phone...not bad quality right? Anyway, the calming down. Which is good, because I feel like an absolute crazy lady right now. Irrational, every little thing annoying me, then crying because I feel guilty for being so bitchy. Or because Sister's baby shower is the day of ER and I feel like Alannis Morrisette should be playing "Ironic" in the background. I wonder if Mom will remember to check on the infertile daughter during the celebration of fertility? I wonder if I committed homicide for some little annoyance right now if they would convict? I think I could get off. See? Irrational!

The RE herself did my u/s this morning. DH had to write down numbers because I had to concentrate on breathing through the pain and discomfort. He sat close enough that I could squeeze his arm. He is trying to help me as best he can. Poor guy has an impossible task.

Numbers:
Helga: holding steady at a 13mm lining
Ook: 21, 18, 18, 16, 15, 15, 14, 14, 14, 13, 13, 12, 10 less than 10mm
Ig: 16, 16, 15, 15, 14, 14, 14, 14, 13, 12, 9 less than 10mm
E2: 2060
Prog: 1.6

I am not really looking at the under 10mm ones at this point, but listed them because they help explain my discomfort. I have 22 measurable follicles right now. That will continue to grow. I know this is amazing...just having a really hard time.

I have felt really detached, and all of this seems so surreal. Everything we have been going through. Everything I have been going through. And now it is all coming to a head, and I suppose I am starting to freak out a bit. I am okay, really...just...freaked. Because of the timing, the only person available to take me to retrieval is my former step-mom, and that just plain blows. DH can't go, no friends, no true family. So I am freaked. And I sound so whiny. So sorry, gang. Thank you for listening, encouraging.

I know most of this is hormones. And fear. Work tomorrow is going to be rough, I think. But maybe it will be a good distraction. I hope.

But you know what cheered me up? Charlie. His feathers are coming in like crazy, his appetite is INSANE, and I think he will be ready to release way faster than we thought. I am going to keep some birdseed around the outside while he adjusts. Right now he tries desperately to escape his temporary home, and to fly. I am simply amazed at his progress in only 48 hours! So, I am glad we saved his squawking ass...he cheers me up.

Trigger at 9:30 tonite, retrieval Saturday 9:30 am.

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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Meet Charlie!

S/he sleeps, poops, and yells when hungry. And I couldn't leave him on the path to die. Once he is ready to fly we will release him. In the meantime, we are going through a lot of mealworms.

Bro moved in as of last night, too. they are hoping it is temporary. I am wondering how to qualify to use the food bank. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel like a mom with all the young'uns hanging 'round.

I wanted to post more pics...but still no computer. Because I have more adorable pics of our newest resident. And another I just like. Another day.

On to cycle news! because it is Day 11 and today was u/s #4. Without further ado, here are my numbers:

Helga: 13mm lining
Ook: 18, 17, 17, 16, 15, 15, 13, 13, 13, 11. And 11 less than 10mm.
Ig: 17, 15, 14, 13, 13, 13, 13, 11. And 7 less than 10mm.
E2: 1189
Prog: 1.3
I am exhausted, very sore, and ready to be done sticking myself and being abused by the Dildocam. But amazed to see such progress! I got to see the screen today, which was cool. I feel like a MACHINE! Trigger is most likely tomorrow, with retrieval Saturday.

Oh, and a special shout-out to the dead skunk: Thank you for making me dry heave while driving, causing me to jerk forward and bang my bruised and swollen belly on the seatbelt, causing my eyes to roll back in my head and a string of very non-mommy words to leave my mouth. On second thought, I shall thank the person that ran you over. It is totally their fault.

P.S. Don't forget to enter the giveaway from yesterday if you are planning on it!

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

100 Things for 100 Posts and a GIVEAWAY!

I cannot believe I'm so wordy as to have accomplished 100 posts this quickly. And apparently the tradition is to do 100 Things About Yourself. OMG, this is going to be a LOOOOOONG post. Thanks to all of my followers, lurkers, etc, for following me on this journey. This blog could very shortly be taking a new direction, depending on the next couple of weeks, so I hope you'll stick with my as my journey evolves....


Without further ado, here we go.


  1. I was a Drag King for a while. Named Ben Dover. 'Nuff said.

  2. I love smoothies, but can't stand most fruit as a stand-alone food...yeah, it's weird, but so am I.

  3. I am the oldest of 4 daughters, the 2 youngest of which have no biological relation. I vaguely look like them, but I am the darkest by far!

  4. I am a Leo, but was supposed to be a Cancer. I was born 2 weeks late...in Miami. Boy was mom glad when I finally decided to arrive. My moon is Cancer and my rising sign is Cancer. I have many traits from both Leo and Cancer.

  5. I could swim before I could walk.

  6. Random things I like: cloud reflections in tinted car windows. Watching the dryer spin.

  7. I have had 4 serious, long-term relationships in my life. Teens = a man. 20's were dominated by 2 women. And now that I'm in my 30's, my husband. He is my 2nd marriage. First was to a woman, and she is one of the few exes with whom I am NOT on speaking terms.

  8. I have been diagnosed as bipolar, depressed, having General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and OCD. Most of the symptoms can realistically fall under the Anxiety Disorder, and the manic episodes are explained by the anxiety. Who knows. I do know that I can be hard to handle, and even without hormones, my mood swings are terrible. I hate being on meds, but sometimes I need them, and I don't hide my struggles with that, either.

  9. I totalled my car on the mountain a number of years ago, and didn't stall it out. It was still running after I stopped. Rock on manual transmission SKILLZ!

  10. I got vertigo severely at the Grand Canyon, but was totally fine in a hot air balloon. What? There is no logic here!

  11. I used to cook for a living...at a camp. Where the company theme was "Do Good and Fight The Man"...now I work for a corporation. Sigh. I miss it there.

  12. I have 3 lip rings, 1 nose ring, 0 guage earrings, and a few others in the ear region. I even had my nipples pierced. And my belly button. Yup, I'm a freak :)

  13. I have lived in 5 states, and been to....36? I want to hit all 50! Born in Miami, Fl, then lived in NJ, then PA for the majority of my youth. Then WI, then CA, and now back in PA.

  14. I lived in Namibia for 6 months - I was in the Peace Corps until I had my first nervous breakdown. I loved it there. I will never forget the changes it brought to my life, and I desperately want to go back some day.

  15. I have a history of moving so frequently that my family no longer writes down my address. They just call when they need it. I actually avoid applications that require a history of addresses for 10 years because I can't remember them. I am an expert mover, though!

  16. I have been to at least 10 National Parks (and if I had the time I could figure it out exactly, but my maps aren't here where I am right now....) I LOVE them, and they are such treasures! Some of my favorite memories are from National Parks, the beauty, the vastness, the purity.

  17. My Herero name given to me by my host family during Peace Corps training is....Kakunandunda kai kayora...Kakunaa for short. Now you know where that came from! It loosely translates to, "Where ever you go there will be happiness, or you will be safe." Idioms don't translate well.

  18. I can still remember the first line of the speech I had to give when we "graduated" from training. I was doing the best in our language group, so I got nominated to do the whole speech....by memory. I still have it on notecards in my storage unit in WI (7 years and counting....really must get there), but I can do the first sentence by rote.

  19. I am half German, half mutt, including French, English, Irish, and Cherokee. The Cherokee really came out in me.

  20. Despite being half German, I can still roll my tongue.

  21. My toenails defy gravity when they get long, growing vertically. Weird.

  22. I graduated in the top 10% of my high school class with a 3.810 GPA, and then totally slacked off in college, ending up .002 of earning Honors.

  23. One of my more interesting nicknames is Naked Bubble Girl. NBG for short...for about a year and a half in CA there were people who only knew me as that or Ben Dover. My real name was irrelevant to that crowd.

  24. 2nd most interesting nickname: Attila the Hippy. This is what you get for giving the county Sheriff a tongue-lashing about the evils of styrofoam cups and why we did NOT have them available at our camp.

  25. Worst nickname ever? BEAVER. Seriously.

  26. My youngest sister was born with polydactyly - a total of 12 fingers and 12 toes. Runs in her mom's family. Not really about ME, but related! I had fun showing her off :)

  27. I have worn onesie pajamas complete with feet to work. Pajama day ROCKS!

  28. I have a unibrow ala Bert. It's bad. I didn't wax/pluck it until I was 27! Not sure when I became such a girl.

  29. Speaking of which, my BBS annoy me...and now that the hormones have made them bigger, I am even more annoyed. I like them on others, just not me. Sometimes I think I'm a little bit tran.

  30. I was half of the only out lesbian couple on my college campus of 8,000 people. Everyone knew me. EVERYONE.

  31. When I joined the Peace Corps, one of the girls in my group knew me -- from college. She was 2 years behind me and had just graduated. I had no idea who she was. Told you everyone knew me.

  32. I didn't get to see NKOTB when I was a teenager...I made up for it by taking my sister to see Hanson when she was 13....on a day when it was 100 degrees out and I didn't even have cash to buy water because we spent what I had on scalped tickets. And honestly, the show was really fun.

  33. I did, however, go see Nelson TWICE.

  34. I used to go to concerts ALL THE TIME until I moved to CA. WI was great for it, and one year I went to 6, not including small coffee shop shows.

  35. Somewhere there is photo of me in a brand new outhouse with my head poking up out of the toilet seat. Swear to ... something.

  36. Favorite alcoholic beverage: Tequila....I adore margaritas. I like lots of others, but that's kind of a tradition. So maybe not favorite, but it's the first thing I will order if I'm not being smart and drinking beer.

  37. Having said that, I shouldn't be allowed to have tequila. You know that song "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off"? Yeah, I don't need much persuasion to begin with.

  38. I have never done hard drugs, but I will admit to enjoying some good bud.

  39. My first concert was Neil Diamond.

  40. I have a ceramic Buddha that was given to me on my 1st birthday. It's my most cherished object, and it's the longest surviving object. I thought the person that gave it to me was Buddhist....then I found out when I was an adult that it was because I was such a fat baby she thought I looked like a Buddha.

  41. Buddha seems to follow me. I had that one, and have acquired a number of little figurines, plus our dog, who was named that before he came to us. It seems to be a symbol of my life.

  42. I actually remember holding Sister when I was about a year and a half old!

  43. My earliest memory is from when my mom was Pg with Sister; I was less than 18 months old. Mom thought there was no way that was possible, but I was able to give her details that convinced her. It's not even a significant moment, but it's a moment that I shouldn't even be able to remember.

  44. I have dreams involving me being naked and flying on a regular basis. I LOVE those dreams!

  45. My first non-ear piercing was my belly-button done illegally when I was 17 with a piercing gun. Stupid, stupid me. My mom found out and had the woman fired. GUILT!

  46. Best day of my life was in Namibia, at Etosha National Park. A whole day spent sitting by the waterhole just watching, mostly in silence, with a group of strangers. The elephants that evening came up to the wall of rock on which we perched and raised their trunks to us, greeting us. It was a dream come true. I have been happy and peaceful and had many wonderful days since then, but none have topped that.

  47. Weirdest scar I have is at the base of my spine...yup, in the butt crack. It's from a cyst I had to have lanced (and please please please don't ever come back cyst, because that was HORRID!!!!).

  48. I do not handle general anesthesia well, and am very glad that ER is done without tubal anesthesia. Panic attacks in the recovery room suck. I may have to ask for a valium.

  49. I admit without shame that America's Next Top Model was a total guilty pleasure for me. It's a good thing I don't have cable anymore. Thank you, ex-wife, for sucking me into your reality tv void.

  50. I ADORE hats. I have a LOT of them, many beanie style, but brimmed hats rock my world. I have a large forehead, so hats I think even me out. But not baseball hats. They make me look like a 12 year old boy.

  51. The first thing I learned how to make when crocheting was hats! I could go in a circle before I could go in rows.

  52. I HAVE to make beds with hospital corners. HAVE to. Ain't OCD grand?

  53. I cannot wait to have a house I can paint! I am sooooo sick of white walls. I want fun colors! And stripes! And creativity!

  54. I have this feeling that I will end up as the crazy cat lady. I think it's in the stars.

  55. I ROCK Cher at Karaoke. And Madonna. I have a deep voice, and they work for me.

  56. I cry at cotton commercials. Seriously. One time I cried seeing Frosty melt when I walked through the living room. I wasn't even watching the whole thing. Basically, I'm a sap. Big time.

  57. I am really self-conscious. So I wear baggy clothes a lot. Because I feel really weird being complimented or hit on. I mean, it's flattering, but I don't see myself that way. I don't understand where it comes from. I just don't.

  58. I come across as confident about myself, but inside....not so much. It's a self-defense mechanism.

  59. I was seriously socially awkward growing up. Really awkward. Gum put in my hair awkward. I think that's where the lack of self-confidence comes from.

  60. Reading is not just something I like, it's a need. And if I START a book, I have to read it until I finish it. So if I have other things that need to be done, I actually can't read. Because I won't be able to think about anything else.

  61. Guinness Floats (Guinness, vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup) are what got me into beer, and in fact, created an immediate beer snob. So yummy.

  62. I am incredibly thankful to not be diabetic after going through all of this needle crap. REALLY THANKFUL.

  63. When I was 2 I fell out of a window onto my head. It explains a lot. And it proves that I have ALWAYS been accident prone.

  64. I have a herniated disc in my neck, c5/6. It sucks, because I will probably never be able to skydive again...or rock climb. Chopping stuff for meals hurts, so hauling myself up a sheer rock face is probably out....

  65. It is not out of the ordinary for me to obsessively listen to a series of songs or an entire album for weeks at a time. If it's good it will take over my soul and I will be lost to it for what seems like an eternity to those who have to live with me.

  66. I have skinny-dipped in 2 oceans, 1 sea, and numerous lakes and ponds. It is the most fantastic feeling to be floating in the body you were born in....I imagine it's what it felt like in the womb...maybe that's why I love it.

  67. Coolest body of water I have ever been in was the Bioluminescent Bay in Vieques. I nearly moved there after my first year in CA to work there...but I met my wife. Still dream of becoming an ex-pat there and living in bliss in a hut on the beach.

  68. I enjoy tattoos and piercings. As in I get aroused enjoy it. It's great fun to be my piercer/tattoer. LOL.

  69. I host Couch Surfers. Well, we do. We have met some incredibly cool people this way, and because of it, anytime we travel, we will always have people to stay with. I love me some dirty hippy travelers.

  70. Thai curry. Nuff said.

  71. Shaving is a pet peeve. I hate doing it. But I hate explaining furry legs more. I should live in Europe...furry isn't a turn-off there. Despite that, I love the feeling of being clean-shaven. I didn't say there was logic here, did I?

  72. Road trips rock my world. I am more at home travelling than staying in one place. In fact, I have serious wanderlust, and I'm going crazy not having the ability to take a vacation right now...cuz I really need it. Badly.

  73. Flip flops are appropriate in all weather. I don't care what you say. That's why they invented toe socks.

  74. Speaking of socks....I firmly believe they should NOT match and should be as ridiculous as possible. If I have to wear them, they'd better be off the wall. Sock stores are like music stores and book stores for me. I am not allowed in them.

  75. I got a new phone today. Can we afford it? Or the one we got DH? Nope. Do I care? Nope. Fuck it. I love it, and it allows me to blog to my heart's content, minus the links and photos. It's fuck-me red, and can do things that I find insanely excessive. But I never said I wasn't a contradiction.

  76. Living without junk, in a car, on the road, able to pick and go whenever is my dream. Reality? I'm a pack rat, so I will always have to have a house to come home to....where all of my books, craft stuff, and photos live. And my pets.

  77. I have happily held both scorpions and tarantulas :) I want a colony of pink-toed tarantulas. They are pretty much the only tarantula you can get and have more than 1 in a terrarium. I think that's wicked cool. And those little toes are so cute!

  78. My hair is an accessory. It exists to amuse me and to baffle others.

  79. Cheese is a food of the gods. Which is one of the reasons I miss WI. The cheese section in a grocery store there is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. And cheese curds? AMAZING!

  80. Sleep is a hobby of mine. When I'm not experiencing insomnia. I love to sleep when it's good sleep.

  81. I don't care how hot it is, I have to be able to snuggle under covers. I need to be wrapped up, cocooned. DH sometimes has a hard time getting near me because of all the pillows and whatnot.

  82. My friendliness often leads to confusion. Because I cuddle with friends. I crave physical contact, and I don't mean to lead anyone on...I just am built that way. I will straight up curl up in someone's lap just to have that physical comfort of being held.

  83. I lost count of knee sprains about a year after college. But I've never broken anything. I only strain, sprain, and inflame. Though I did have knee surgery last year. But there was no actual injury. I had the equivalent of appendicitis of the knee. There is a band of tissue called the plica that really serves no purpose, but mine was too tight, and so it had to be trimmed. When that happens it mimics a torn meniscus. So I know what that feels like. My knee is still not totally normal. Probably never will be.

  84. The smell of summer rain makes me feel so at peace that I forget everything bad in my life the instant I smell it. Mother Nature creates some pretty awesome things.

  85. I would LOVE to go tornado chasing! I've been through tornado warnings, and seen the damage from small ones, but never ever have I seen one in person. Sigh.

  86. Which leads me to the fact that I am an adrenaline junky. Hardcore. Natural highs all the way baby! As long as I feel somewhat safe.

  87. Motorcycles terrify me. I got up the courage years ago to ride with a friend of mine a couple times. I gave him a list of rules. He thought I did fantastically well, and told me so when we arrived at our destination. Then he turned around and realized I was on the ground shaking and crying in fear. They really terrify me. Which sucks, because a cross-country trip via motorcycle would be so amazing. Ala Zen and the Art of Motorcyle Maintenance. It is not meant to be.

  88. Elevators. *Shudder*. The older the worse they are. The elevators at the RE's are old, slow, small, and make noises. I've nearly run over people running out at the end of the journey. Hubby knows how to handle me in them...if I'm alone it's terrible. People have caught me huddled on the floor when the doors open...

  89. Elvis Presley. Yup, just creamed my pants.

  90. You read my blog, so you know I say ANYTHING. That's not just here. I have no filter between brain and mouth. It translates well here, but not so well IRL. I can't help it! I refuse to be a cow, mooing my way through life as I'm herded into the pens the powers that be deem I need to be in.

  91. 2 of my favorite all-time words are "conundrum" and "bugaboo". And yes, that 2nd word is real. A friend in high school and I made it up one day. And then found out it was real. The best part is that the definition kind of fit what we intended. Life is funny sometimes.

  92. I don't realize how tiny I am. And then I'll see a picture of me with other people, and I get a shock. I envision myself as this Amazon....and I'm tough and strong for my size, or was until injuries and age started taking their toll. And then I stand next to someone else.

  93. While I cannot write poetry, I often wax poetic, finding metaphors in things all around me. I'm sure you've noticed this in my posts about butterflies and music lyrics. And I love the term "wax poetic". It amuses me.

  94. I think that lime green and bright purple are 2 of the best colors ever. And that they were meant to be together. In my clothing, in my wedding, in my hair...where ever. How can you not smile when greeted by that sight?

  95. I get tickled pink when I learn how to do something new, usually technology related. Because I don't get that stuff. So it always amazes me. Like the portable micro SD card reader adaptor thing my friend has that you can plug right into a computer or laptop. Amazing.

  96. Horror films, or any film with gratuitous violence, really upset me. But zombie spoof movies? Bring 'em on. They are awesomeness incarnate. Fido, Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland...etc...HYSTERICAL!

  97. Egg salad with pineapple. Sounds disgusting right? I was inspired one day to mix them together, and I have to say....it was delicious. I really like combining different flavors. Like sweet and spicy. Or sweet and savory. In face, after transfer I plan on eating a lot of that combination. I came up with that one when we first started TTC, and people were convinced I was KU. Not so much. I'm just weird.

  98. I think women with bald heads are gorgeous. Including myself :)

  99. I want to be an astronaut. And a pilot. I really like to fly...

  100. I am not like anyone you have ever known, and I never am. Most people think it's cool in the beginning, but sometimes the reality of me is too much for people. But I am what I am, and as the years go by, I apologize less and less for who I am.




If you have made it this far, congratulations! Time for the giveaway! So here's what I'm doing. Well, background first. At Foxy's recommendation I checked out Circle Bloom products. And I downloaded the IUI/IVF meditation series. I got started a bit late in the cycle, but I am LOVING it. Though I have to be careful about doing it at night because I'm tired and they knock me out, but it's fabulous. So, the giveaway....a copy of the series! So I totally want you to participate! And you can have multiple entries, and I will draw randomly in 1 week. Here's how to enter (leave separate comments for each entry):



  • 1 entry simply by following me and telling me that you are

  • 1 entry for telling me what your favorite post of mine was

  • 2 entries if you tell others about my giveaway on your blog (leave 2 comments)

  • 1 entry for telling me what your favorite fact on this list is

I can't wait to see my participants! Happy 100 posts to me! Thank you all for reading, for supporting, for being YOU!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Where You Invest Your Love, You Invest Your Life

Not a Perfect Moment Monday today....cycle stuff. Unless you count the fact that it's my FRIDAY!!! And I have a lot of days off for retrieval and transfer coming up :)

So, this morning was u/s #3. Here's the stats:
Lining: 12 mm
Right Ovary: 13, 12, 12, and 16 follies under 10 mm
Left Ovary: 13, 12, 11, 11, 11, and 12 follies under 10 mm.
E2: 528
Prog: 1.1

Feels like there should be more above 10 - only 8???...but what do I know? I'm a noob. Thoughts? Next u/s

Wednesday, and then every day after that. May have to order more meds :( I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable and get weird looks trying to be functional at work.

Here is the blanket I made for Sister and my soon-to-be niece. And below that is another close-up version. It's not as big as I wanted, and I'm still trying to decide what I'm making to add to the ensemble. But I think it will not be given until Niece is born. Just not the week for it for me.....

The title of the post comes from my newest OBSESS song, for which I could not find a decent video. So, here's a link to it, with the song and
lyrics. Awake My Soul by Mumford
and Sons. Some of the lyrics really
strike a chord with me:
"Lend me your hand and we'll conquer
them all", "Lend me your eyes so I can change what you see." And the line above.... It's about waking up your soul, and our bodies, and walking together to get through things. Just...strikes me. I'm obsessed.

The first line I mentioned makes me think of going through this journey with Hubby. What we are doing together, even if it's with help and not really, ummm, TOGETHER, if you know what I mean. LOL.

The second one I mentioned...about opening people's eyes about all of this. Making them see us. And the 3rd....think about HOW MUCH WE INVEST....so apropos.

Which reminds me....I nearly ripped someone a new asshole yesterday, but luckily I knew he was a friend's fiance. And they are experiencing some secondary IF but are really just diving in. Anywho, I use the "Mommy" room at work for my injections. With permission. He stopped me on my way in last night and said, "Ummm, this room is for new moms to use, and you don't look like you are one....". I said, "No, but I get to use it to give myself injections so that I hopefully will be one soon." Him: "That was more information than I needed, but I guess I asked for it, didn't I?" Me: "Yup." Exit to Mommy room. I told my friend about it and she's gonna tell him I'm the one she told him about and remind him (apparently again) to butt out of things that aren't his business. Again, lucky I knew who he was.

Happy Monday everyone....trying to finish up 100th post as this is 99!!!! ICLW makes it difficult. Plus 100 things about yourself is actually really hard to come up with! (Yeah, I'm going traditional). Love and hugs and peace and sticky baby dust stuff.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Blog Award, Part Deux

A few weeks ago, I was nominated for The Versatile Blogger Award. Two more nominations have arrived, from H.C. Bishop and Jessica. Same rules apply :) So thank you for the award, lovely ladies.

7 more things about me (I am combining...)

1. The word "favorite" is VERY difficult for me...I can narrow down, but not list something as my soo many awesome things out there!

2. Having said that, favorite ice cream combo is mint chocolate chip mixed with chocolate chip cookie dough. Heavenly!

3. I CANNOT stand real sushi, but I adore California rolls.

4. Pickles and olives make me gag. Blech.

5. My hair has been every color under the rainbow...often several at once, and some by accident :)

6. I prefer to not wear clothes...I find them quite restrictive. Most people who regularly visit my house are used to seeing me in the bare minimum, especially when it is hot.

7. I consider myself to be an old soul with a childlike appreciation for the little things...which basically makes me an oxymoron rolled up in a conundrum :)

Ten new blogs? OMG. I have read so many new ones! And I'm up to nearly 80 daily blogs....

  • Evie - at Evie's Epic
  • Miss Ruby - at The Miss Ruby
  • Jenn- at Dude, Where's My Baby???
  • Jem - at Ambivalent Womb
  • Amber - at Life In the Last Frontier
  • Claire - at Lose To Gain (and she could REALLLLLLY use some support right now, ladies!)
  • Rys - at Confessions of a Clutter Queen
  • Amber - at Life: Chats and Rants

Okay, that's only 8, but those are the 8 newest blogs on my list :)

Enjoy! I love reading them, and they are fabulous at checking in on me!!! Speaking of which, I got a lot of "hope you feel better" comments...I want to reassure you that overall I am doing pretty well. I seem to be sort of emotionally removed from this cycle itself....bizarre, but true. It's just the combination of EVERYTHING that gets to me. But thank you :) HUGS!!!!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

How Do YOU Advocate?

I have always been out. Out about my sexuality. Out about my open marriage. And out about my Infertility. I'm pretty sure only the postman doesn't know. And I know it's hard for many of you ladies to do the same. I KNOW that. I get it. But please read this, and take it into consideration.

Advocacy about Infertility is coming into its own right now. Much like gay rights in the 60's. Cancer in the 70's. Etc, ad nauseum. It's OUR time. Time to put it out there. Time to get the funding, the insurance, the benefits, the SUPPORT we need and deserve.

Self Magazine published an article recently about IF and how in the closet it is. There is a part in the article that talks about how quiet it is in the RE's office. How we are all struggling with the same thing, and yet NO ONE wants to talk about it. I saw it this morning while I was there. I have tried to engage other women/couples there. It's damn near impossible. DH and I are very much so the most verbal while in the waiting room, commenting on the TV, talking to each other, etc. Everyone else sits in uncomfortable silence. Why? We all share this burden. Why are we so ashamed? Silence DOES NOT help us.

Keiko is doing a whole series on advocacy for our disease. Yes, disease. So sayeth WHO. 'Bout damn time, too! Go read what she has to say. Listen, I'm not saying go out and host a neighborhood party. I'm saying don't hide so much. I'm saying be honest with someone you love. It's a start.


And in case you think I think it's easy peasy...it's not. Oh, no, so far from that. But I got over that hump in college when I went into classrooms and talked about being gay/bi, and what that meant, and answering questions. Do I do things like that now? No, but I would. I'm just starting to dip my toes into this whole thing. Do I sometimes make people uncomfortable? Hell, yeah. But here's the deal...in order to make those topics more comfortable, we have to TALK about them. Bring them into the open.


And do you know what has happened? After people get over the shock of me discussing something so intimate, I hear about their loved ones, or their stories. Things they have been afraid to discuss before. I discover support. I discover other hurts, and that we can help each other through it.


So I challenge you, just a small one, but a challenge nonetheless. If you aren't "out", start small, but start. Tell someone you love, tell someone close to you, tell a stranger (because you never have to see them again), but don't be silent. In that vein, I am telling you all my real name. Genevieve Binsau. There you go. Google me. I'm cool with that.

Like The Lorax says, "Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

Friday, July 23, 2010

Yesterday's News, Cycle Update, Etc

Double post day, sorry!


Okay, I need to catch you up on yesterday...

We got home from work and Dreamer wasn't there. No big, we figured she was with her b/f, Bro. Sent a text, and she said something back about having had something horrible happen to her and she's at Frog's with Bro for the time being, but she's okay.

Come to find out she was assaulted on the way there. She's walked that 3 blocks more times than I can count in the last 6 weeks. And it's not like we live in a big city. It's a tiny little hick town.

She had never seen these 2 guys before...one grabbled her butt, and the other her arm and tried to pull her away. She managed to break free and ran to Bro's.

Now here's the thing...Bro's family thought she was lying for a while. So NO ONE CALLED THE COPS. And I wasn't home. And she stayed the night there with him last night, so I haven't even seen her! I guess she and Bro stopped by last night to pick up clothes, but I don't know why they didn't stay here with us.

Mama Bear is out and I am PISSED. Not at her, obviously. No, I just worry and can't figure out why once they got to our house they didn't stay. Did I do something wrong? Yeah, I'm paranoid. The girl is 17, I realize, but nearly 18 and has been on her own a long time, so I'm not about to impose rules. No, what I am pissed about is that they didn't report it to the cops! These guys were not ones she has seen around town before, so would probably be easily identified. And I'm sad she didn't come to me....ridiculous, I know. But I'm in protective mode, and I haven't been able to fuss over her...and now I work crazy days for the next 4 days.

Why wouldn't they believe her? And then why not report it? Ugh. I just want them out of my life... and they are, for the most part, but they still affect my life. The freak out I was surprised I didn't have? 3:30 this morning. Until about 5. Poor DH didn't sleep. So....I'm at a loss. Kinda mom, kinda not...not sure how to handle most of it...




Cycle Update: As of this morning, up to 21 follies less than 10 mm (12 right, 9 left) and a lining of 6 mm. Go Helga! I look like a pincushion, I feel like a pincushion...and since we f'd up and opened the 300 IU Gon.al-F pen first, I have had to do an extra injection the past couple of nights. And various other mishaps. I feel ENORMOUS, but the bloat is not that bad, and I haven't put on any weight. I just feel like it. Ig and Ook are very....heavy. And apparently we are really just getting going. E2 = 74.1, progesterone at .7??? May have heard that one wrong. Sticking with same dosages as the other day, and next u/s not until Monday.

Hysterical moment of the day: I was going to drive when we left the RE this morning, but DH said, "No, you just had to deal with the Alien Probe, so I will drive." ... LMAO. Then, I mentioned not liking the squishy icky post u/s feeling, and he said, "Just hope you don't toot at work and pop out a satellite dish or something. Cuz that would be weird. But real aliens probably wouldn't be nice enough to use lube like they did in there." ... I can't make this up. Gotta love him.


The adorable friend: Okay, so, for those of you that DON'T know, DH and I have an open marriage. He doesn't really take advantage of this, but I have...it's more for me anyway. After everything with Frog and Pixie, though, I'm sort of on the wagon. Not to mention I'm not feeling like having ANYONE touch me right now, but the wagon thing is a more general feeling. DH thinks this girl is awesome...hey she's me! So, yeah...but she is WAY young, and having siblings and a niece that young...it's weird to me. But I thought I should explain that more. Despite being on the wagon, I'm still out about the arrangement to people, and let's just say....you know you work in cubicle land when you get hit on via Post-It Note. No, really... I can't make it up!

Photo Friday: Unplugged

It's that time again! Head over to Calliope's and get yourself signed up...This week's theme? UNPLUGGED. And the woman put me to SHAME this week! She's amazing.


Photo #1: This is the broken computer. Yup, talk about unplugged. I came to work way early today after my morning appointment to abuse the work computers...because of this annoying heap of parts....





Photo #2: And here is hubby, unplugged. Buddha is just about the only thing in the house that can get him to put down his phone/remote/game thingy....it's still in his lap, but he's just hanging with the furkid here. LOVE.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Busy Day

What a day! And it is so not over yet.

Got up, used phone to do ICLW comments, read regular blogs. Time: 2 hours. Yeah, it takes a lot longer from a phone. And for those wondering how I am doing all of this without a computer, I will admit to being a laptop mooch and writing out posts ahead of time whenever possible. I am going nuts because I have so much I want to write about, and links I want to include, and it gets difficult from the phone. Links and photos are out. Wow, huge sidebar. Sorry.

Went to work with DH so I could do farmer's market shopping and meet one of his (super adorable) friends he wants to bring home. But that's another tangent that can wait. Enjoyed meeting her tho! She is me 14 years ago, LOL. While out, attempted to buy baby shower card for Sister - epic fail. Sat on the floor in the grocery store crying. Shall reattempt at a later date. Bought LOTS of fresh fruit, etc. Time: 4 hours or so.

Got home, tried to get Dreamer to come do laundry, but bad stuff happened (again...another day...suffice it to say I am surprised I am not totally freaking out, and dear god, I worry for my unborn children...), so headed to laundromat alone (ummm, no I didn't lift anything....too much) and did 8, count 'em 8, loads of laundry. Time: 1.5 hours.

Back home, chopped much of aforementioned fruit, etc...some to be done Saturday morning, because I still have to put away the 8 loads of laundry. It is 8 pm now and time for injections. I took a break to write this.

I have sooooo much on my mind, so many posts in my head. You all are dear for dealing with my very, very prolific mind. Thank you! And HUGE thanks to all the meditation ideas! More on that later...I need links!!! And thank you as always for your oh, so kind comments on my down days. Confession: DH took yesterday's photo.

Hundredth post coming up soon (already??? I really do talk too much) and posts to deal with advocacy, pregnancy announcements, a giveaway, cycle updates as they happen, news updates from today, blogger awards....holy crap. Moms, how do you get everything done in one day?

Oh, used car time to put finishing touches on baby blanket. Go me!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Wordless Wednesday: Finding a Rainbow in the Storm


I know everyone does big posts on the first day of ICLW...but I am in a very cranky place today. But we had a fabulous storm, and finally got a break from the mugginess (which helped my mood IMMENSELY), and a rainbow popped out between some clouds in the storm. I thought it fitting, as we are trying to find OUR rainbow in this storm that is our life and struggle for a family.

Happy ICLW, lovely ladies. I am still without a computer, so I am getting my ass kicked by commenting, but I am hanging tough and shall persevere.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Sperm Has Landed

That's what my nurse said when she called with my u/s and b/w results. I laughed and told her it was going on the blog...and so it has. Apparently the NJ location called to let her know our 5 vials of F1738 have safely arrived.

Results: Helga is all calmed down with a lining of 3mm. I had 16 follies less than 10mm...last time, pre-meds, I had 29 and so was concerned. She assured me 16 is a good baseline and they are quote happy with my numbers.

Meds for the next 3 days until friday's u/s and b/w: 225 units Gon.al-F, 15 units of low dose Hcg, 5 units Lu.pron. 3 needles...bring on the bruises!

Addition to the protocol: Metro.gel. Ummmm, apparently it is new in IVF land and the idea is to keep Helga from contracting after the transfer...anyone else familiar with this or am I the guinea pig here?

I am off to look up all things fertility related...specifically looking for chants, meditations, etc. I am down for all things helpful :)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Perfect Moment Monday - Butterfly

I was sitting on my patio when a beautiful butterfly flitted over and landed on the ground next to me. I tried to take its photo, but he moved too quickly. I noticed his flight was erratic, and when he once again landed next to me, I took a closer look....

One of his little wings was malformed. He was no less beautiful, but he was struggling. But still going, doing what he needed to do to make it through his day. And all I could think was, "This is us....this is what IF is like. We LOOK normal. We are still beautiful. But something is just not quite right. You can't tell unless you pay attention. And we just keep going, pushing through the challenges, doing what we need to do to get by. We are butterflies."

This is one of my favorite artists, and a song about being a slightly damaged butterfly who is no less beautiful, and who has the best friend in the whole world...this community is full of butterflies and all the friends we could hope for. Happy Perfect Moment Monday.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Kindness of Friends

I asked a friend of mine who had her baby a few months ago if I could borrow a pair of her maternity pants for the stim timeframe so i am more comfortable with the bloating...

She gave me a whole bag of clothes. I found them on my desk at work this morning. She is more confident than I am that this will have a BFP at the end...and I am all weepy...I unfolded them all to look at them, and tenderly folded them back up with a wistful smile on my face and a prayer in my heart...

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Irony

When a fertile woman does the following things, she is trying NOT to get pregnant. Then there is the infertile woman who does them to GET pregnant. Here are those things:

--Take birth control
--Suppress your reproductive system
--Abstain from sex

I'm just sayin'.

Poor DH has to put up with a cranky, emotional, overwrought woman with no guarantee of a baby at the end of this fun ride. i feel for him but he'd better watch out...I am a crazy lady.

Today's program is brought to you by the word Irony, the letters I & F, and the numbers 1 & 8.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Cycle Update

Today was SUPPOSED to be Photo Friday: Pets, however, I am without a reliable computer again, and I didn't think ahead. Oh, well.

Instead, you get an update on my cycle, plus some interesting news.

Today will be Day 8 of Lu.pron. I seem to be excessively tired, headaches at night (migraines, really), and a sore belly, but the stinging has gone down a bit. It could be worse, I suppose, from what I've heard.

I was hoping that AF would spare me after stopping BCP, but here she is, and I'm a bit cranky from it. Oh, well. Here's hoping it's my last one for a good, long time!

I spoke with the woman in charge of the PGD study we are (hopefully) participating in. So here's the skinny:
  • If we have enough embryos that they can push us to a 5 day transfer, we pass hurdle number one.
  • If those embryos look okay enough to biopsy, we have passed hurdle number 2.
  • If we are randomized into the study, we have passed hurdle number 3 and we are pushed to a 6 day transfer.
  • If all that happens, and here's the big thing, they will be able to tell us the gender of the embryos being transferred, IF we want. Honestly, not thinking we want that. What if it doesn't work? Do I want to know what we lost? We always said we wanted that surprise. What would you do???? **Note: we don't get to choose gender, as the 2 best embryos are transferred regardless of gender***
  • Even if the embryos are not biopsied prior to transfer, if we clear the first 2 hurdles, they will be before cryo.

In speaking to the woman, I also found out that at my baseline u/s back in May/June, I had 29 follies! That bodes well :)

And.....we ordered the DS this morning. So, F1738, do your job! Knock me up!

So that's it for me. Today is my Monday, so I'm off to hell. Enjoy your weekends, all!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Blame It On The Hormones

Hi, my name is Genevieve. I'm struggling with infertility, and I'm really hormonal.

Hi, Genevieve!

I went off the deep end last night. I've been all proud of myself for handling this cycle really well, and for keeping calm and not letting things upset me. Hmmmm....and the sad thing? The people I got out of my life for the very reason that they are not healthy are the cause of last night's meltdown.

I'm not going into the big rant....I don't want you to have to read that, but the short version is that Frog and Pixie kicked out the younger brother's girlfriend, Dreamer. She's the one that had the dream about me having a baby boy, remember? She is 17. She has had a shit life, and has nowhere to go. Enter me and DH. So, she's now living with us. That's fine, happy to do it. Glad to know she is safe. Not what caused the meltdown.

What caused the meltdown is knowing that I gave and gave and gave to a couple of people who are manipulative, distrusting, selfish, and downright assholes. (sorry for the language) That I let myself be taken in by someone who would put a 17-year-old out on the street. And on top of that, that this couple is the one that would get lucky in trying to get Pg after 1 cycle of Clo.mid. Who are on the brink of divorce all the time and half the time are apathetic about their child on the way. And I did soooo much for them. And they are assholes. And THEY get to have a baby.

That's why I had a meltdown. Because being a good person means shit. Because, and yes, I'm going there, IT'S NOT FAIR. Oh, man....I cried, I yelled, and then I hid in my room and cried myself to sleep. With guests here for our Wednesday night movie night. DH didn't even come to check on me....he didn't know what to do. And when he came to bed, I started crying all over again.

I blame the hormones. Rational thought has obviously left the building for parts unknown. One last thing that's going to not help: Dreamer has her appointment at Plann.ed Parent.hood today....so I get to go there. Sigh.


What a life I have. I think I'm going to put up that sign that's at the Statue of Liberty. "Give me your hungry, give me your tired, give me your homeless, give me your wanderers..."

p.s. I am now in search of a twin or full bed for cheap....and a couple cheap dressers. I'm going to hit up Craigs List and Freecycle, but if you know of anyone in the PA area who might be getting rid of stuff, let me know!!!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A Fly on the Wall of My Brain

Before I get started...the link I posted yesterday to the 100 Ways seems to have died. I even googled it...No luck. Sorry gang!


999 Reasons To Laugh did a post recently about the inner thoughts of the infertile. And as I lay in bed waiting for sleep at night, I think, "Wow....if only people could hear the random stuff in my head!!!" So, I hereby invite you to be a fly on the wall of my head...



In the last week, the following thoughts have gone through my head:

  • "If my BBS are this sore from BCP, how am I going to tell if they are sore because I'm KU vs. just PMS????"
  • "Must remember to order the sperm."
  • "Do everyone's ovaries hurt during suppression?"
  • "What the heck am I going to wear when my belly gets even more sore from the injections? Dresses? Hmmm, no, because holding up all that material while trying to do the injection is just not easy...Ummm, leggings it is, I guess."
  • "My god, I really want some Chinese food, like NOW!!!"
  • "Holy crap, the cravings are insane....is this what being KU is like?"
  • "What am I going to name the embies? Am I going to name them. I should wait. Name them only if they stick....but I name EVERYTHING! Ack!"
  • "Stop counting your chickens before they hatch, woman!"
  • "AAAAAH. I'm a crazy woman!"
  • "Wait, didn't they say NOT to use heat? And I've been using a heating pad to calm down Ig and Ook? I'm in suppression...not stims. It should be okay. Maybe I should call the nurse just in case...."
  • "Lu.pron, needles...I hate you."
  • "Don't forget the ice pack again today, idiot."
  • "Wheatgrass, check. Pomegranate juice, check. Lu.pron and needles, check. Lunch, check. Vitamins, check. Ice pack, check. Okay, I can leave the house now."
  • "I'm not going to POAS, I'm not going to POAS, I'm not going to POAS..." (This is to get myself prepared for a month from now...)

Sound familiar ladies? Oddly, I'm NOT freaking out....it just sounds like that in my brain. Hope that brought back some "fond" memories for you!

I also want to say Thank You from the bottom of my heart for your support yesterday....I was a little wigged out. Had THE TALK about it with the 'rents while we were eating dinner there last night. Here's how it went:

Mom: "So, you're not coming to the shower at all?"

Me: "Ummm, no..."

Stepdad: "Can I ask why?"

Me: "Do you really want to know the answer to that?"

Stepdad: "Only if it doesn't piss me off." (???? I'm supposed to know this ahead of time??? Fuck that, I'm telling you!)

Me: "If it's after my retrieval, I will be sore, tired, in pain, and people won't want to know it's because I just had a needle stuck up my hoo-ha. If it's before, I won't have the time off of work."

Mom: "Well, couldn't you put in an appearance for an hour or 2?"

Me: "We only have 1 car and DH will be working, so I would have to come with someone else who most likely wants to stay the whole time. Trust me, you don't want me here. I can't handle it. It's supposed to be HER day....I would wreck it."

........C R I C K E T S.........

I paraphrased, but you get the idea. They think my openness in mixed company is a bad thing. I just don't cater to other people's sense of decorum. I kinda think it's bullshit most of the time. If that means I don't attend things, then so be it. I'm not pretending to be something I'm not....that's what my evil job is for. Take me or leave me.

I talked to my mom more about it after dinner...she's more understanding, but I could hear the edge in her voice. She SAYS she gets it...but really, she doesn't. She just doesn't want to fight about it.

Other favorite part of the day? We were discussing the crochet projects we are both doing for the sis....laughed about people asking us to make blankets without having any idea the work involved and that we never get projects for ourselves done because it's been baby central. She said, "No one else is allowed to get pregnant for a while."....Me: "Thanks, mom. Could you not say that again?" Mom: "I didn't mean you!". Ugh....and I'm not PC enough for them. And yes, this is the same woman that bailed us out so we could do treatment, but still....the things they say....

Anywho, enough of that. Thank you, AGAIN!! Hugs, kisses, baby dust....I love you all.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

How Do I Cope?

I have been REALLY good about being positive this last week. And this particular post is not even really related to our cycle, but to our IF journey in general. Or mine, anyway. I'm sorry for the double post today....I woke up this morning with this weighing on me and I HAVE to get it out.

My sister is 7 months pregnant. She is due early September, right around DH's birthday and our anniversary. Right around when we will either be getting the first u/s to see a heartbeat and get released to an OB or mourning for our failed attempt.

Last year, she and I commiserated together. She has hypothyroidism and was not allowed to try for a pregnancy until she was stabilized with her treatments. The last time I saw her I talked to her about us using DS and we joked about ending up potentially with a biracial child depending on the donor. Unbeknownst to me at the time....she was Pg. She hid it until she hit 11 weeks, which I understand. Must be nice to have that luxury. But it was right around when we found out about my endo and blocked tubes. Right after, in fact. And then I realized she'd been Pg at that last conversation.

I felt so...betrayed. She's younger than me. She owns a house. She's always been the one to do things right. She is freakin' Donna Reed. We barely speak right now. And, sadly, I haven't seen her since then. I've watched a couple other friends go through pregnancies, and watched a few bellies grow. I figured out a way to handle it. And yet, I can't bring myself to see her. I am even avoiding my grandmother's birthday party so I don't have to see her.

She and I have a rocky relationship at best, and right now....I can't do it. I can't watch her do yet something else right while we are struggling for everything...it just makes me feel like more of a failure. Don't get me wrong...I'm diligently working on a baby blanket for my soon-to-be niece. And I think I'll be able to see the baby when she's born. I think.

Her baby shower is the weekend I should be having my ER...I've already told her I'm not sure I will be able to attend. I haven't told her that even if I have the time off, I probably won't be attending. My mother gave me hell...."You're going! It's your sister!" Sure, from the other ridiculously fertile woman. Can't you just see it? Me LOOKING Pg from stims, knowing my eggs are just about to, or have been fertilized..."conception" occurred...trying to play baby games and watch her caress her giant belly? While I ice mine and hope for good embryos and try to be PC when answering questions about why I look enormous. Because no one will want to hear that I just had a giant needle stuck up my hoo-ha and that's why I'm a LITTLE uncomfortable. Right.

Please tell me I'm not a horrid sister. Please. Lie to me if you have to.

100 Ways To Be Stress Free Through Infertility

I found this through another blog the other day, and thought I would share it. It's actually quite a good list, and it's even separated into sections! Have fun reading it....hope it helps :)

100 Ways To Be Stress Free Through Infertility

I've been watching my Follower list increase by 1 or 2 people each day for the last week....it's quite exciting. It means I'm doing something good here, and that feels REALLY good. I am up to reading 70 blogs...I try to keep up with it throughout the day on my phone now, otherwise it takes me hours to try and catch up. I do my best to comment on all of them, but sometimes I just don't know what to say....I'm still there, in case you wonder...

I also started submitting photos, when I have them available (stupid computer) to National Geographic's Your Shot at the urging of my step-dad. Because of the sunflower photo. It was not chosen, but I will continue trying. Maybe I can make one dream come true, right?

Jessica of "This shirt is pretty much awesome Thursday" fame is doing a Blogiversary Giveaway! Head over and get yourself some entries! The prize is pretty cool. I'm stoked to maybe win. And if not, it gives me something to participate in! Congrats on your Blogiversary!

As part of her contest I was reading back through some posts, and she did one about "How To Be a Good Friend to an Infertile". A friend of hers posted this years ago as a letter to her Fertile friends on just this topic. It is a great read, and I wish everyone IRL could read it to help us....

Symptom Update: Ig and Ook are still twinging, but the severe discomfort is fading a bit. Headaches coming and going....left work early last night when a migraine hit trying to avoid driving and throwing up, but that didn't work too well. Still, it's not sticking, so that's good. Seems to hit within an hour of injection. I seem to be not as bloated anymore. BBS still really sore. Last day of BCP is today...wonder if AF will show?

Supplements: Been on wheatgrass for a couple weeks. Started Pomegranate juice. Prenatals and DHA. Question: Pineapple day of transfer???

So much on my mind again...okay, let's see. One of my newest readers is Amber. She wrote this AMAZING post about her journey...and what it means to be a mom...brought me to tears, and I want to share it....so, please go read this and have your heart warmed.

And...just for fun! Recent obsessions:


  1. 2 new artists: Mumford & Sons, Ray Lamontagne -- I CANNOT stop listening to them, especially Mumford. Go look them up and fall in love yourself

  2. Kindle for Android! They have some free books (not many, but I'll take what I can get these days) and now I can read on my phone!

  3. Guilty pleasure - I downloaded the Magic 8 Ball app and have been shamelessly asking it for an outcome of my cycle....it's being vague. Little punk. But hey, I'm enjoying shaking the shit out of my phone.

Today I get the whole day with DH. Going to my mom's for some pool relaxation (and free laundry!)

Monday, July 12, 2010

Perfect Moment Monday: Toddler with MY "Toys"


Meet A. She is my neighbor's granddaughter, and she likes to come over and play with the menagerie, and more specifically, with MY toys. She doesn't visit for long, but the other day she came over.

She always goes for the djembe first. And man does she love it. It's loud, it's obnoxious, and I always worry she will break it....but how can I not enjoy having a child around being a child? She gets away with too much :) And I love every second of it.

She also found my old, non-functional camera, and turned herself into a little photographer...oh, how grins was I? How adorable is she?

These were my perfect moments this week...and, for that matter, my dreams....

What is your perfect moment? Do you have one? Share
one here. Join in the fun, and take a moment to realize
your perfect moment. Go read about someone else's. Take the time to find the peace in your week, in your life. It's there....just think about it..
















Sunday, July 11, 2010

Scattergories: Heat Wave Edition

What would I do without Calliope? Or, for that matter, Kristin for reminding me I wanted to do this?

Scattergories!!! Use the first letter of your answer from the first question to answer the rest of them :)

  1. What is your favorite cool drink? Coco Frio (Chilled coconut with a straw in it!!!)
  2. Something you would put on or take off when hot? Chonies (ie, underwear, for those of you not from Southern California)
  3. Something you would yell if overheated? Chillax already!
  4. Some place you would love to travel to if the temperature was above 90 degrees? Carribbean, specifically Vieques
  5. Something you would do in a rolling blackout? Cop a feel
  6. Something you would listen to with the top down? "Chillin'" - a playlist I created years ago
  7. Something you would rather be doing right now? Catchin' some zzzzz's
  8. Some place that will always be hotter than where you are now? Constantinople (now known as Istanbul, seriously, TMBG has a song all about it)
  9. Something that sizzles when it touches the sidewalk? Cahones
  10. Something that goes well with a barbeque? Cantaloupe

Hope you had fun, play again next time!

I have been very much at peace with things this past week. (Okay, except for our scare Friday). The freak out of a week ago seems to have been the last of them. I am coping with everything really well, I feel good about our cycle whichever way it goes (so I say now :-P).

I am however back into side effect land - right after my 2nd injection (and I am totally doing them at room temp, still stings) the migraine came back....strong. I almost threw up on a call...ick. And this part...well, I am assuming it is normal, it just feels really WEIRD. As of about an hour after my first shot Friday, I started feeling my ovaries (henceforth, Ig and Ook) TWINGE. Throb? Twinge I guess is the best word. It's not comfortable, and right after the injection, the one on the side I stick really yells at me. In fact, it is becoming downright painful at times. Please tell me this is normal!!! I keep looking like I'm doing a potty dance. LOL. As of this morning they have calmed down a bit, but the migraine seems determined to settle in for the long haul. And my BBS...they just keep getting BIGGER!!! Buddha jumped on me the other day and I laid there moaning because he hit the girls....oh, man. And this is without stims or PIO. I am in TROUBLE.

On an interesting note, I sent Frog the equivalent of a goodbye the other day, and he responded back with something that lets me know he's been reading the blog, or at least he read Thursday's post. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but again, not freaked, just find it interesting. I told him I'm not angry anymore....which isn't entirely true. It's more that I've accepted what happened and am moving on. So, not entirely a lie, but the closest I could come to the truth without opening a bucket of worms. I'm liking having peaceful, happy, fun me back. Mostly back. It's nice :)

I want to thank you all sooooo much for your words of support about my post yesterday...that one even brought some lurkers out of their closets! I wanted to bitch-slap the person, but thought a well-written response was better. I'm glad I didn't go hog-wild. I felt it was important to stand up for us, clarify, and be the bigger person. Thank you, again.

Sorry for another long post. Truth be told, I have so much on my mind and so many things I want to post that I actually have several posts pre-written, and I then edit them based on the day they actually get posted. That way I don't have to try and remember everything. I don't mean to be all wordy, but I have to get it out. Thank you for listening.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Child.free vs. Child.less

Someone left the following comment on my blog last night:


"You are not childfree you are childless. Childfree people do not want children and they would not spend money on it."


This is, I assume, in response to my updated "About Me". I have this to say in response...


Do not assume things you may not understand. In the ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) community, childfree is often a decision reached afer a lot of heartbreak. And thus, not something stating that we don't WANT children. Rather, it is a choice to give up treatments, and perhaps for financial reasons, to not pursue adoption. Perhaps the heartbreak has finally outweighed the hope of something working, of something bringing you the family you desire.


I did some reading and understand that outside our community the term has a differnt connotation, but you are visiting OUR community. I don't come and bust your chops in your world.

We are all very well aware that we are CHILDLESS, thus all the pain, torture, and emotional heartbreak we put ourselves through. I certainly didn't need that reminder. To be childfree is an acceptance that perhaps it is not meant to be. That we can't take anymore. It does NOT mean we don't want children. Oh, how it is the complete opposite. I can't even try to explain.


I disabled my comment moderation - meaning that anyone and everyone can comment. But please, if you don't get it, if you don't actually understand, then don't comment. Don't assume something. Do not try to CORRECT me on my own page. If you are going to leave a comment, have the balls/ovaries to leave your name. Comment moderation is going back on.


Have we reached that point? No, but we sure as hell have talked about it, and have come to a sort of acceptance that it might become the choice we have to make...for our sanity, for our health, for US.


Whoever you are, I hope you read this, and next time, leave your name. Put some pride behind your statements, and have the courage to face me for real. If you don't, then back off. I don't need that. I have enough on my plate. WE have enough on our plates. All of us. DH. Me. My friends in this community.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Down the Rabbit Hole I Go

Ever feel like Alice on this journey? I do...

Here's the pile of meds, etc. Haven't gotten my low does HCG yet - I get it the day I start it - July 20th.




Here's me giving myself my first injection!

Why am I doing it myself? Because 4 days a week I will have to. On my days off, DH is going to do them. Going in wasn't bad, after I convinced myself to do it. Why didn't anyone tell me it would sting like a bitch????

The stress of today caused a bit of meltdown with DH and me. Just brought a lot of emotions to the surface. That and really diving into this....we both cried, we both expressed feelings of guilt, feelings of hope, feelings of terror...and we hugged and talked and kissed...

...and then we watched Ha.chi. There is a scene (SPOILER) where their daughter announces she is pregnant. Ater nearly losing our chance today, that made me lose it. And then of course it was just all tears frm there. What a stressful day. Holy moly...But we made it, with some help, and we are ON OUR WAY!!!

Here's a little video about being Alice.







Scariest Hour Of My Life (to date)

*Breathing in...and releasing a huge sigh of relief*

I owe my mother and DH's father HUGE. My mom gave us a card with $1500 on it. His dad came up with the rest. They don't take payments over the phone, so we're figuring out the details with forms and stuff, but we are BACK ON!!!

That was, without a doubt, the worst and scariest hour of my life. I wasn't going to be able to take this being pushed back another month.

This is going to be a quadruple post day, and I am so sorry.

But dear god, I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo relieved right now. I don't know whether to cry or laugh hysterically. Thank you for the well wishes!

Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit

I am at a loss. Our insurance company has not gotten back to the clinic with what our OOP costs would be....they had cleared us to proceed based on no ICSI, but apparently TODAY, they decided to add it to our plan. So we have to pay the $2500 up front for it. TODAY. We don't have it. We were expecting to be billed. We had a plan, and now we are FUCKED.

I think my cycle just went out the window. I don't know what to do. I'm a mess. I emailed my parents....DH's parents are at work, so are mine. The thing is, we should have the money soon, but we don't right now. Fuck. Fuck.

I can't take this....

Photo Friday: Tattoos

Well, no going back after 8 pm tonight...I will update to let you know how it goes.

I ordered myself a Serenity bracelet from Jenny's Etsy shop Bloomingtastic. I am hoping it arrives soon as I dive into my cycle tonight. I am wearing it through the cycle, alternating wrists so I remember what side to do my injections. Way prettier than a rubberband, and it's got some oomph behind it, I hope.

So, it's Photo Friday! Calliope's challenge of the week is our favorite adornments, specifically tattoos if you have them. I said I wouldn't post my IF tattoo, but it looks like I'm going to. LOL. I am not posting all my tats....it would take all day. And I apologze for all the skin. You guys are going to see even more of me this week.

If you head to last week's post you can see a number of them. The one on my lower back was a gift to myself before entering the Peace Corps. I am year of the Snake, and I left for Namibia in year of the Snake, and I thought there was something to that, thus the tattoo. The one of the back of my neck is my goddess. She was originally given to me for protection when I left. When I returned I had her made permanent. Rainbow for my LGBT side. She is my protector. On the left shoulder blade is an old one - it's 2 lions, though very hard to see. I'm having it redone and adding so I have an upper back piece of my time in Namibia. So, essentially, my back is all Peace Corps related.

On my inner left wrist, almost impossible to see, and I can't get a decent photo of it on its own, is the word "why?". It is there to remind myself not to be complacent. If we don't ask questions, challenge things, nothing changes. In our own little worlds, or in the world at large.

Onto this week's actual photos...

Here we have my tree. I got this during a dark period of my life, just before making a big change. It is in part a memoriam to my grandmother, who taught me to love nature, and in part to signify the winters of our lives. It's NOT dead, and I have the feeling that there will be leaves added on an individual basis throughout my life. And perhaps it will turn into a sleeve. Why a tree specifically? Trees are strong, but flexible. Put down roots, but throw their seeds out to the wind to travel. Grow throughout their lives. They heal, they protect, they feed. They are a fantastic symbol of all that is WOMAN.

This is my IF tattoo. It is incomplete, just like me. The words are from Paul Simon's song The Cool, Cool River (couldn't find a decent link to it, sorry) and say "Sometimes, even music cannot substitute for tears".

Music is one of the biggest things that gets me through. I can't live without it, but in the last year or so, there have been so many days where even music was just a patch, when it didn't even help. When I just had to cry. There is a line in the song, as well, that says, "I believe in the future, we shall suffer no more. Maybe not in my lifetime, but in yours for sure." He is speaking to a child. The whole song deals with the crap in life, but the hope that he has for the future....I can't let go of hope, so even though the music doesn't always get me through, there is still hope. Hope that some day I will have a child of my own to pass the future to. That's what this tattoo is for...

The notes travel up to my collarbone, and will eventually go down to my toes, joining up with my first tattoo along the way. Currently the notes reach about mid-thigh. I was going to leave it all black, but have decided to have color added, all up to my tattoo artist's liking. He has had fun with this as most of it is freehand and there is no set pattern. I tried to give you views of the whole thing, but it's hard. Some of these are from the day it was worked on, some from today. Hard to shoot it, really, and I've gained weight, so I hated some of the ones I took today. Sorry for all the skin. There's not much of me you haven't seen at this point.



































Time for a quick congratulations, one that is well-deserved. Keiko won an award for her What IF? video from Resolve!!!! Well deserved :) Congrats, woman, you deserve it!

Oh, and I have a 2nd cycle buddy. So go give some good luck to Baby Bump Bound!! That's 3 of hitting the needle trail today. Go us!

Now, stop looking at my BBS and go read another blog :-P

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Cravings

I just had to pause the movie DH and I are watching because I HAD to have a quesadilla RIGHT NOW and we didn't have tortillas. So off to the store I went. WTF??? BCP or just adjusting to having an appetite again?

Chasing Insects

I gave you a not-so-wordless Wednesday, and so today I shall give you some eye candy :-D There are 2 quick things....if you are following me and I'm not following you, please shoot me an email at kakunaa at gmail dot com and I will happily follow you :) Also, have you ever wondered what to get yourself for a gift, or for those other IF'ers in your life? Problem solved: Let's go shopping! Thanks to Jessica for finally giving up the location of the fabulous shirts she posts!

Now, back to the regularly scheduled programming....I love photos of insects, and have been chasing them a lot this week. These are not all great photos to me, but they are all very recent photos I've taken of insects enjoying the splendor of the blooms :)


I actually have close-ups of the butterfly on this one, but I was really enjoying the fact that there were all these other insects getting in on the action :) And how well the butterfly blends in.


These buggers are hard to capture! I have one (forgot to post that one) of 2 of them getting cozy on a rock by the river. It was windy and the stalk kept blowing and the butterfly didn't want to stay put. LOL.


Queen Anne's Lace is one of my favorite summer wildflowers. When my surfers were here, we picked some and were going to dye them, until I realized I didn't have food coloring at this point in time. Whoops. They are delicate and gargantuan at the same time....love love love them.


This little bugger wouldn't hold still, either. Actually, Calliope and I were both chasing the dragon yesterday, it seems. He was smack dab in the middle of poison ivy...stinker.


And this, my dear bleeps, is my favorite photo of the summer so far (though the fly from the the zoo trip is way up there on the list). I adore sunflowers. Favorite flower, hands down. And that's hard for me to say. This photo is untouched, original, no photoshopping!....I am IN LOVE WITH IT. I just ordered myself an 8x10 for my "flower" room.

So, I hope you enjoyed this short trip down insect lane.

T-minus 1 day....here's hoping I am as pollinated soon as these flowers are :)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Seriously?



See that enormous hole in the ground? I woke up to that being dug at 7 am yesterday morning....my "Saturday". DH slept through it. Bastard. Seriously? You couldn't wait?



Oh, and hey! advance notice of turning off of water? Totally unnecessary! Or, you know, that the sewer lines would be cut and perhaps we shouldn't flush....Seriously?



Which led to me not knowing about the sewer lines and, well, not to be graphic, but I've been eating a lot more, and that means I have to, well, poo more. And I didn't know about the sewer lines. So I poo'ed. A few minutes later our neighbor comes in with a big cheesy grin on his face JUST to let me know that my poo was stinky, but cute, and perhaps I shouldn't flush for a while because IT'S IN THE HOLE IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE AND ALL THE CONSTRUCTION GUYS WERE PRIVY TO THAT FUN PART OF ME....



SERIOUSLY??????



Go ahead, laugh it up. Everyone else did.



Okay, got that out of my system. Ahem, no pun intended. Alright, maybe it was.



I am really wordy this week....sorry, brain won't shut up. So let's see, what else....well, Monday night I changed the cat litter for the last time for the next 5 weeks (10 months????). In all my years of owning cats I never got toxoplasmosis, so I am off litter duty for the duration :) YAY!



My younger "sister" (it's a long story) is in the midst of a custody battle with her husband (they are 20 and have a child....don't get me started on the bitterness and envy I feel...but her daughter is so precious!!!) and apparently he's pulling out the big guns and has Child Services showing up today to try and prove neglect. To be safe she is getting rid of her menagerie...so last night we inherited a cornsnake named Adrian for an indeterminate period of time. We've turned down 2 cats lately, but DH said the snake was okay. We used to have 3 snakes in CA, and I've had numerous over the years. That brings OUR menagerie to: 1 dog, 3 cats, 1 tortoise, 1 hamster, 1 cornsnake. And when Chica moves in this fall, another dog. Oh, yeah, we're gonna start charging admission. LOL.


And....Frog's younger brother's girlfriend (did you catch that??) spent the weekend with the other brother and his wife, who is all earthy like me, but way healthier about it. She apparently was spewing great things about the benefits of a vegan diet for fertility. I was pesketarian (seafood only) for more than half my life, and vegan for a whopping 3 months...I really like cheese. But, she's convinced, and so assuming I can afford to go grocery shopping, I am going to clean up my diet a bit....I'm fairly responsible about it. I feel enormous and bloated with all I've been eating to try and beef up. I could stand to eat some really healthy stuff for a while. I don't think I will go totally vegan right now, but I'm going to try and up my soy intake and be diligent about my fruits and veggies. Have you ever heard anything about veganism and fertility? Love to hear if you have. I will take thoughts...if it helps Helga hold onto an embie, I'm all about it.

I warned you I'm wordy. Lots on my mind...



Last couple of things...I now believe in miracles...I've read some amazing BFP stories this week, my favorite being Helga's namer, Circus Princess. Thanks to her I've had You Sexy Thing stuck in my head for 2 days. That's a good thing :) Also, as I am at T-minus 2 days until Lu.pron, I want to also give a shout out to my Cycle Buddy Nicole ... she starts the same day as I do. She is as spazzed as I am, so if you get a chance, can you go give her some lovin'? Thanks!


Okay, I'll shut up for now. Thanks for listening, as usual. I am very verbose, and you are all very patient. Love you :)







Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Perfect Moment Monday

This is my first foray into this theme, and so I had to think back on my week. And yes, I just realized that it is Tuesday. Oh, well. Despite being sick and emotional, there were some definite good moments.

Perfect was standing in the creek with Buddha, a tree branch hanging over me, quiet rustling of leaves, and dappled sunlight. It was such a peaceful moment, beautiful and soothing.

A close 2nd was a friend who has psychic dreams telling me she dreamt about me having a baby boy. Now that's a sign I can live with. Plus it means others are dreaming and praying for me, and that just makes me feel all warm and squishy.

P.S. Blogger is eating comments, so if you don't see yours, I promise I did...I just can't publish them :(

Monday, July 5, 2010

The Versatile Blogger Award


Thank you, Erika, for my VERY FIRST blogger award!!!

For this award, here's what to do:


  1. Thank whoever gave you the award.
  2. Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.
  3. Pay it forward by nominating 10 bloggers you've recently discovered.



So, I've been pondering the 7 things, because I share EVERYTHING on here. Since it says MAY not know, that leaves open some doors, for if you missed a post here or there, I can go into more detail about some things. And I want them to be really, really goood facts about myself. Not good as in beefing up my ego, but good as in, "wow! I had no idea!" good. So here goes.


  1. I am a smoker. Horrid horrid thing about me. I have been trying to quit, and have cut back dramatically, and trust me, I KNOW that I start my injections in 4 days. I know this. I don't need the guilt...I do that to myself. I have managed to give up caffeine, alcohol, mood stabilizing medications, etc. I am having the hardest time with smoking. I did manage to get an e-cigarette, and I use that more than anything else, so that's an improvement. I'm getting there. I promise. I'm not going to screw up my chances....it's just taking me longer than I thought.
  2. I used to skydive. I voluntarily jumped out of an airplane 11 times solo, and 2 tandem. And I miss it. If I had money instead of a herniated disc in my neck, I would be working on my license again, because it is the BEST high in the world. Adrenaline galore. And at the same time, the most peaceful place and feeling in the world. It's just you and your mind up there...love it. Miss it.
  3. My dream job would be to be travel journalist/photographer...or a photographer for National Geographic. Hey, dream big, right?
  4. I was married by the Cat in the Hat. No really, I was. We had an Elvis Blue Hawaii Luau with Dr. Seuss vows and readings....we gave my best friend Emo, who performed the ceremony for us, the option of dressing as Elvis or a Dr. Seuss character. We got Cat in the Hat, and people were totally confused. It was fabulous. LOL.
  5. My closet looks like it belongs to a schizophrenic. I just have no specific personal style. I am part hippie, part punk/goth, and part whatever-is-lying-on-the-floor-and doesn't-smell. It confuses people. It amuses the hell out of me.
  6. You know I have tattoos. What you don't know is that i have a total of 10 tattoos, one of which is not complete yet. That one in particular is my IF tattoo, but I'm not posting it at this point. It will either be finished in August....or next year. The next few weeks will tell. There are 2 others that will be added to, but the IF one is my current priority.
  7. Ack! Need a number 7! OH! I work in technical support - and I am completely technologically inept. Seriously. DH plays video games...I grew up without them or cable. It took me 6 months to figure out the PS3 remote so I could watch NetFlix. Not kidding. I have an IQ over 140, but technology is beyond me. I would be happy being mostly off the grid. I think I'd go through withdrawal for a while, but realistically, I could do. DH would be a miserable SOB. LOL. When I'm not at work, it goes like this, "HUBBY.....make it work!!!" LOL. Seriously.

Ten People I am nominating....

  1. Shannon at I before E except after C
  2. Niki at My Accidentally On Purpose
  3. Nicole at Maybe Momma Someday
  4. Kelly at The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow
  5. Calliope at Creating Motherhood
  6. Gil at The Hardest Quest
  7. Foxy at Someday
  8. Babymaker at Venting Vagina
  9. Sparkly Things Distract Me (couldn't find her name, fake or otherwise)
  10. Circus Princess at Circus Children

That last part was actually really difficult....had to think who was newer to me...I love you all, I promise! Thanks again, Erika, and Happy Monday to you all.

Still no functional computer, so bear with me and any weird looks to the posts. T-minus 4 days!!!!! Excited today. Going with it :)