Monday, August 30, 2010
The colors. The odors in the air. The crisp feel in the air. Finally needing a sweater. Cuddling and drinking hot apple cider. Kicking leaves. The last clutch of Mother Nature to her cycle.
We aren't there yet, but it's in the air. At night I can SMELL it, and it makes me just ... content. Sort of inwardly smile.
And in the mornings, we have this:
Summer is giving up her fight...mist coats the corn fields, the abandoned baseball fields...and this is my perfect moment today. The inner peace I get as summer wanes...feeling it in my skin, in my mouth, in my nose, in my gut. Autumn is on her way...
Posted by Kakunaa at 10:48 AM
I was in the cafe at work, and past me walked a VERY large baby bump. And all I saw was the bump. And my stomach dropped.
Yup, I won't be letting go of it anytime soon. Because I know that I won't be able to accomplish another pregnancy without, again, a shit-ton of money and a lot of luck.
Does the jealousy ever go away?
A woman I work with had a surprise, unwanted pregnancy. But she grew to be happy about it. She's on my team. And for a month I was wicked bitter, and then another woman on my team got pregnant...and then it was finally my turn. But remember how hard that is? It STILL is!
But now I'm the one someone is going to have a difficult time with, and not just here in Blogland (which I completely understand, btw).
Anywho, the first woman...she's been out for a week, and I knew she'd had an emergency OB appt last week. Then she wasn't in. So, you know, I'm kinda figuring...and I was right. Yesterday Pg#2 told me for sure. And how is it that with everything, and with all the women I've supported here, I've NO IDEA how to speak to her when she arrives back today. We don't speak much as it is. But now I'm THAT woman. The PG woman. To her loss. I cried a lot last night.
I can't seem to explain to DH how scared I am. That I can't fully settle into this pregnancy until end of the first tri. That we are riding a wave of luck and there is still so much room for bad. She was 11 weeks when she lost the baby. 11 weeks. So close to that first trimester mark. I've still got 6 weeks to go. After I told him about her miscarriage he is understanding a bit more...but he seems more at ease with accepting the amazing and that it will continue...
Which led to a nightmare about miscarrying (yeah, my brain hates me). So I got up and went to the bathroom, went downstairs, and find that the neighbor (who has, after yet another breach of "curfew" been told he needs to leave when we go to bed) is still here. At 3 am. I didn't flip out. YET. Hubby is going to talk to them. But this is last chance. I'm done. For sure. They have 1 more shot, and then "sayanora" punks.
Went back to bed, PISSED, and ended up having dreams for the next 2 hours about telling them off before it was time to get up and go to the u/s. Oh, my my my. They have crossed me one too many times. Pregnant Super Bitch is about to don her cape and throw a fit.
So glad this morning went well and it's my Friday and I have pool and Sister/LilSis time coming up this "weekend". I need it so I don't get too overwhelmed by the uncontrollable hormonal emotions. Homicide is bad for the baby.
Posted by Kakunaa at 10:43 AM
I shall start with the amazing...
|This one shows the graph of Itsybitsy's heartbeat, yup, heartbeat - 113 bpm.|
|This one shows Itsybitsy...can you see it? CRL=6w1d!|
OMG I got to see that little pulse on the screen. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I touched it. Right now I'm crying.
And then she turned on the sound....ummm, THAT was a surprise...I wasn't expecting that for another month! Hubby had no problem distinguishing her little beat from the whoosh sound. I did :( But the look on his face was worth it! So hopefully next week I can hear it! I feel so privileged we got to hear it so early! (well, hubby anyway) I'm in love with my clinic.
This morning I realized that (**appendages crossed!**) we will get to add a photo to their "success story" book in 8-ish months. Wowsers. That little heart, taking up most of our little 1/2 cm bean....thump thump goes mine.
Posted by Kakunaa at 10:32 AM
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Please update your feeds to http://gvandmonkey.blogspot.com/.
Thanks! Spread the word!
P.S. Apparently when I changed my URL I lost ALLLLLLLL of my bloglist. Please help me rebuild!!!
Posted by Kakunaa at 8:55 AM
Saturday, August 28, 2010
How far along: 6 weeks 0 days
Total weight gain/loss: I actually think I may be down a couple pounds from last week, so I'm starting a weekly weigh-in at home -- 115 lbs this morning according to my not-so-accurate scale.
Maternity clothes: Still sticking with either the belly band or stretchy pants/skirts.
Stretch marks: way too early for those!
Sleep: As often as possible!!! But I work 10 hour days and then need wind-down time when I get home, and can't STAY asleep. I nap a lot on my days off.
Movement: way to early for that!
Cravings/Aversions: Cravings: Ham sandwiches. Which is weird for someone who didn't eat meat for 16 years. LOL. But it's the best thing to me right now!!! Aversions: Stinky odors, red meat...
Gender: at this point, we have decided not to find out...let's see if we hold steadfast to that!
Symptoms: Almost constant nausea, worse at night (unless triggered by something else). The ever present sore BBs.
What I miss: Chai!!! Big cup of morning tea...but it's already been over a month, so I'm getting used to it. I have switched to Rooibos (which I adore) and kind of tricks my body :). Sex is allowed, but because of my exhaustion isn't happening :( Thank goodness for AA batteries ;-P
What I look forward to: Seeing the heartbeat in 2 days (we hope!). Starting to show. Passing first trimester!
Moods: Generally still quite good :) Just have to watch the irritability so I don't get out of hand and become SUPER BITCH!
Milestones: 1st u/s and seeing the sac :)
Medical Concerns: elevated thyroid levels - taking Syn.throid 25 mcg daily (it is UNDERactive, not OVERactive as I first thought)
Weekly Wisdom: Keep food on hand at ALL TIMES. I get nausea worse when I am hungry. This is difficult when I'm on the phones allllll day, but I'm learning how to do it.
Best moment this week: Seeing that u/s! Starting to tell random people that we're KU.
Worst moment this week: Slipping on the stairs the other day and falling...it scared me soooo much. But all is well, as far as we can tell. We'll know Monday!
Posted by Kakunaa at 11:17 AM
Friday, August 27, 2010
The first came out sideways...don't know why, can't fix it. I love the idea of just getting out and going!
The second cracks me up. Bugaboo is one of my favorite words, and it means "unfounded fear". So it's incredibly funny to me that they make BABY STROLLERS. Yup. How does that make sense? No idea. But it cracks me up :)
Posted by Kakunaa at 4:51 PM
Thursday, August 26, 2010
- The BIG GUY: Bab.ies "R" Us. Obviously the most well known, and quite frankly, the most convenient for a couple like us with a bicoastal family. His family will, I imagine, be doing gift cards in lieu of trying to ship big things. I don't know. Anyway, they were friendly, but quite frankly, the place is incredibly overwhelming and just a little too commercial for us. Plus, a touch on the expensive side (ummm, alright, all this baby stuff is, but they are top-price from what we saw).
- The REALLY SMALL GUY: Burling.ton Coa.t Fac.tory. Also fairly widespread, but going in the store is much like going into a Thrift Store. It just felt terribly chaotic, and the in-store selection was mediocre. Again, convenient, and the crib prices were the best we saw, but it made me twitch. I couldn't handle registering there. Twitch, twitch. That being said, GREAT PLACE for maternity clothes on the cheap :)
- The ALMOST PERFECT GUY: Tar.get. Okay, I LOVE Tar.get. LOVE. I'm using the word LOVE here. But...they are mostly online, and again, I like to be able to SEE the goods we are choosing. They were the best prices we saw though. I will give them that. And who doesn't like a trip there?
- The JUST RIGHT FOR US GUY: Buy Buy Ba.by. We felt a "small store" atmosphere, and the staff was incredibly friendly. We lucked out in that there is one near us. They are not nearly as widespread as the others, so unfortunately for family, much will have to be done online. BUT we loved going in there, we felt comfortable, and the pricing is middle of the road. They have a whole organic product line, including gender-neutral garments and such. Which we LOVED. They take competitors coupons! Can't beat that! So, this is the one.
So that was the big decision of the week! Very exciting! We already have some items chosen, though again, no registering until we hit 13 weeks. But we'll start then, to get a head start. Perhaps we can get some items out of the way at Christmas, before we even have a shower.
Posted by Kakunaa at 10:45 AM
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Anyway, shortly after my post yesterday, I was FINALLLY caught up on my regular blogs (soooo hard during ICLW! Now I know what's it's like trying to keep up with me!), and had started on ICLW blogs. I came across one that shares a title of a song that is not well known, but that I know. It's not one of the bowl me over songs, but it prompted me to grab Ichabod the iPod and listen to it. Dreamer makes playlists on it, so sometimes when I turn it on, I am smack-dab in the middle of one of those lists, which are usually quite fun. Today, though, I was hit by one of those songs..
I can't explain the EXACT scenario attached to this one, however, suffice it to say, it was a song someone played for me, how that person viewed our relationship, finding the times when we could be together, the difficulties, but still aching for that time. It's one of those people with whom my relationship has been affected by IF...and it just hit hard when it came popping out of Ichabod. What could have been in another time? But realistically, we wouldn't have been introduced if it weren't for IF - and this person gave us the name of the clinic we use, which has led to this wonderful period of time. Which I think is what makes it that much more bittersweet. That I'm NOT sharing this with them now....
This song was on a cassette Sister made for me when I was in Namibia. I have a thing for songs that make me feel wistful...this one just gets me. I would put it on, especially when the rains starting coming and the thunder was rolling, and it became THE SONG that reminds me of my time there, my evenings watching my "brothers" and "sisters" playing in the yard as the sun went down. For years it made me weep. I wrote a poem shortly after I returned to the States and was dealing with a deep depression. It mentions this song. I think on my return anniversary this year I will do a post with it and some photos of my time there...Anyway, it's a memory, just as the one above is. One of the lines is, "Most November nights I break down and cry, because I can't remember if I said goodbye." I left Namibia in November, and there were so many people I didn't get to hug goodbye, who didn't understand my leaving...
I have mentioned this one before. It is the song from which I took the lyrics for my IF tattoo. It speaks of hope, hope for our children. It doesn't make me sad, it doesn't make me happy, it just speaks to me of things that can be. Of the idealism we are all harboring for a better world. And the fact that sometimes, even the things that bring us joy cannot override the sadness.
I listen to this on bad days...it gets me through. Always reminds me that we are not alone, that we can get through, overcome. Peter Gabriel knocks my socks off regularly, and this has been an anthem for years. Don't give up, my friends...
Oddly, the songs coming to mind this morning do not involve the large quantity of women artists I adore, not sure why. Because they are really who I listen to the most. And they inspire me. But these are a small sampling of the songs that are a big part of my life. I could keep going, but this post might never end. Perhaps there will be a Part 2 when the inspiration hits again.
Hope you enjoyed listening!
Posted by Kakunaa at 9:08 AM
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
This week's challenge is PERSPECTIVE. Go check out her blog for the themes associated with this...but I am doing a couple entries...I wanted to do more, but knowing that I had a computer today, these are what I am going with, and perhaps next week I will be lucky enough to do more. Here we go!
|Reflection From Above|
Grand Canyon as this vast shot, sweeping views...
here it is with this fabulous tree as the focus,
something many people would not notice, with
the grandeur as a simple backdrop.
|Tree branch from the ground up |
(for those of you who have seen this one before, sorry!)
|A Person Close Up|
Posted by Kakunaa at 8:01 PM
Yes, we were hoping for twins. We both have siblings, and we really wanted two children, and quite honestly, I'm not sure we'll be up for a FET next year...financially, if not emotionally. We really want to donate those frosties to someone, help make THEIR dreams come true. And it's weird to wonder....what happened to the other one? Where did it go? What could it have become?
Please don't misunderstand me...we are THRILLED!! But I am definitely a little sad, and weirded out by this life that might have been. That my body just absorbed it. I told my friend at work that I am trying not to think about it. Because of the emotions attached to it.
Does this make sense? Is it normal? To mourn this speck a little, even with the one we have growing quite happily in Helga right now? I don't know how to feel!
But to make this not a total downer post, I will leave you with the fun things you get to say to customers when you work with cell phones in a call center...remember there are a lot of touchscreen phones out there today. So here are a couple snippets to make you smile whilst you contemplate my question.
- "Are you touching it? Are you touching it right now?" - When I overheard a friend say this I almost peed my pants.
- "Okay, now tap that. Now tap it again." We all get to tell people to Tap That multiple times a day. Oh, the things that amuse you to get you through the day in corporate hell.
Posted by Kakunaa at 10:05 AM
Monday, August 23, 2010
...Itsybitsy. We have one beautiful yolk and gestational sac :)
It was so odd being in the RE's office, being pregnant. In the sad place. I felt bad being all excited and chipper. But only a little! The nurse who, with only a rare exception, does my blood draws mentioned that she remembers seeing us the first time we were there (or perhaps 2nd) and watching us leave and seeing how very sad we were. And look at us now! It is very surreal...
U/s each of the next 3 Mondays....boy is it going to be weird to NOT get all these updates when we transfer to an OB. Speaking of which....time to make some calls tomorrow! We need an appointment!
I am all grins today :)
Posted by Kakunaa at 9:06 AM
Sunday, August 22, 2010
The first is my favorite Seuss book. It was read to my Peace Corps group when we left for Namibia. I read it to all my kids at camp. And it was the reading at our Seuss themed wedding. To me, one of the best things on paper.
The 2nd took me years to find after reading it when I was little. YEARS. It's really an environmental lesson, which I am a huge fan of. I adore it, and have recently found out that there is a whole series!
The 3rd was my favorite as a young girl to read to LilSis. The music to the song is in the back of the book. It is just one of the sweetest stories of all time, and a must read/have!
Just thought I would share. You don't have to be a child to enjoy them. Sometimes simple makes the most poignant and apropos statement, even to those of us embittered and cynical adults. They are both good reads :)
It's rainy here, so, go sit, read a book, sip a hot beverage, and curl up with someone you love.
Posted by Kakunaa at 10:34 AM
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Specifically, the angry, bitter parts. In the last year I have gained and lost friends. Some of those losses were based on good reasons...but I didn't handle them well. Some of my anger was justified, and for that I will not apologize. However, how I may have handled it....that's another story. Some of the things I said were completely out of IF bitterness and jealousy and anger. Just being irrational. That's what this blog is for. To get it out, crazy or not. It doesn't necessarily mean it was the right thing to do.
So I need to find balance. Just because I'm in the pregnant club does not take away the IF feelings. I am already realizing this. But I need to try not to lash out so much. (Although, again, this is my blog, and if you choose to read it, I sort of feel like my rage has an outlet here and I say what I need to get it out of my system, sometimes very unfair and if that bothers you, don't read it.) Realistically, we all say things when we are angry or upset that we don't mean deep down, right? And I really dislike getting into face-to-face arguments, so I try to get out all the irrational stuff here.
So perhaps I need to change the URL to make sure the people in my life that could be offended by what I write are no longer affected. And I need to find positive again. I need to get the crazy under control a bit. Because I really am not a mean person. Or a bitchy person. I'm not. But apparently make me IF, pump me full of hormones and take away my mood stabilizers and I become someone I don't particularly like.
New goal? Make me a better person. A lot of the damage of my words is irreparable, and in one particular instance, I am fairly okay with that. I was very angry, and having certain people out of my life really is a good thing....it doesn't make me any less sad, though.
I guess where I am going with this is that I am entering some sort of sadness with regards to what IF has done to me. And while I am insanely happy about this pregnancy, I am sad about the things and people we lost getting here. I feel badly for my out of control anger, and I resolve to be better. To learn to breathe, and to make better decisions in general so as not to land myself in a situation that turns me into crazy bitch monger.
And after ICLW I am going to change the URL of this blog - don't worry, I'll get it posted on LFCA and whatnot! But I think the change is needed...
p.s - I am not changing the NAME, just the URL, so that the people I don't want reading this have a more difficult time finding it. I may take the link off my FB page as well. I will make sure you all get a chance to update somehow!
Posted by Kakunaa at 12:32 PM
How far along: 5 weeks, 0 days
Total weight gain/loss: umm, about 5 lbs, all from IVF
Maternity clothes: no, but using a BeBand already from the IVF weight gain and bloat. I'm assuming it will even out some point!
Stretch marks: way too early for those!
Sleep: All the time, but due to kidney issues (still not fully diagnosed) I have to move to a chair and sleep upright about halfway through the night.
Movement: way to early for that!
Cravings/Aversions: Food. All food. The things I dislike I seem to dislike more.
Gender: at this point, we have decided not to find out...let's see if we hold steadfast to that!
Symptoms: Incredible nausea associated with strong odors. I can't empty the trash anymore because it makes me dry heave. BBs are up a cup size (blaming the IVF, again). Gas/constipation funness.
What I miss: Chai!!! Big cup of morning tea...but it's already been over a month, so I'm getting used to it. SEX!! But we are hoping to be cleared for that soon!
What I look forward to: seeing the heartbeat next week, passing the first trimester safely!
Moods: Great mood because I'm so happy about this, but if something irritates me, it REALLY irritates me.
Milestones: WE'RE PREGNANT! That's an amazing milestone!
Medical Concerns: elevated thyroid levels - taking Syn.throid 25 mcg daily (it is UNDERactive, not OVERactive as I first thought)
Weekly Wisdom: Sleep when I can, eat frequently
Best moment this week: Finding out the good news!
Worst moment this week: Pain from kidney crap
Posted by Kakunaa at 9:46 AM
Friday, August 20, 2010
I shouldn't have to find out about things going on in my own house from a comment on my blog, not officially anyway. So again, if you don't like it, be gone, and don't read it. MY space. MY blog. MY therapy.
Posted by Kakunaa at 7:37 PM
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Okay, so the disrespect thing. One of our neighbors is 16, and he likes to hang out with Bro and Dreamer. We came home one night to no one home, but one of the neighbor's bowls just sitting on the sofa...???? WTF??? We had also told them that all-nighters were not okay (came downstairs a couple times to video game happiness at 6 in the morning) and said neighbor had to be out by 1 am if we were in bed. Which is fair. We pointed out that it is us paying the electric bill, plus, after some of DH's pain meds went missing, we don't really trust any of the young'uns right now.
We asked them all about the meds...of course NO ONE did it. Caught neighbor at the house still after 3 am the other night. Don't piss off a hormonal woman. Our food bill has more than doubled. DH's favorite knife is mysteriously broken..."It was like that when we took it upstairs to play with it." Umm, no it wasn't, and it's not a damn toy, and it's not yours! The quarters we save for laundry are all gone, and I brought THAT up...not even an apology. Just a kind of blank look.
They spent last night at Frog's. I imagine we are the bad ones now. Whatever. I went in their room to get laundry, and realized that none of the clothes she borrowd from me were in there...so WHERE DID THEY GO??? So I am not doing theirs. They aren't home, they spend all day in their room, and have been completely unthankful lately for having a place to stay.
In my laundry search, I did find a half gallon container sitting in the litter box...full of PISS. Seriously? The bathroom is 6 steps away. I left it in front of their door for whenever they come home. Bro gets a little money from working with DH a couple nights a week...they can pay for laundry. Time to grow up.
Oh, she might be Pg. Not that they told us that. But she told our other neighbor who felt I had a right to know. I don't know what to believe. They won't hold still long enough to talk, probably because I have been a little bitchy. But don't disrespect me, lie to me, and sure as shittin, don't do it when I am severely hormonal and going through a lot of emotional shit.
What did we do wrong??? Dear god, let me raise my child/children better.
Posted by Kakunaa at 6:18 PM
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
2. Please let us be cleared for sex again Monday when we go in for b/w and u/s because we would REALLY like to celebrate!
3. I know there was something else, but I don't know what it was. Oh! May have a functional computer very soon!!! Thank goodness...phone is so limiting!
Posted by Kakunaa at 4:19 PM
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
So many decisions to make. I don't necessarily feel that we will need a crib and stuff right away...baby on a budget. Bassinet, pack and play, portable stuff totally works is my thought. Wow.
Don't worry, we didn't jump the gun and so something crazy like register...just kinda casting out the feelers to see what is, well, out there. Shock is still here.
And I LOVE it!
Oh! And I totally took a picture of the test. LOL
Posted by Kakunaa at 5:40 PM
Monday, August 16, 2010
So, family reactions: His mom cried :) Have not spoken with my mom yet because she is on vacation, but my stepdad should have been able to tell her by now. I am sure I will here from her as soon as she is back. His dad is thrilled, as is mine, in his own way.
Sister kinda pissed me off. She said something along the lines of, "Oh, now you can experience the woes of pregnancy with me!" I pointed out I'm thrilled with any and all side effects and there are no woes here. Oddly, she didn't respond.
Sad reactions: his grandmother is suffering from dementia and it was really difficult for Hubby to talk to her when she is like this. She barely remembered who he was. My grandmother is pretty ill lately, and told me she doesn't think she will be around when Itsy/Bitsy arrive.
We got our first gift, from the neighbor whose laptop I am stealing. A black onesie that says, "Learned to rock before I could walk." LOL. So adorable. Hubby and I are going to drool tomorrow at the maternity store, Bab.ys 'R' Us, and to get me a Bella Band at Tar.get. No purchases at the first store, just allowing ourselves to drool, revel in this.
Hubby bought me a card - a "Mommy-to-be" card, and a bag full of mints for the nausea. Oh! And more gauze and tape for my PIO injections. LOL. A little gift bag. Wasn't that insanely sweet? He is SOOOO happy!
So, as I mentioned, numbers are great, and we are stoked for the u/s. Hubby is of course convinced that we are having both Itsy and Bitsy. I hope so :) Which sounds kinda crazy, but I never wanted an only child...always wanted 2, and do not want to go through this again. But I will be thrilled whatever the case to see proof on that grainy little screen.
Not so hot news...got a follow-up call and it seems my thyroid is just as excited as we are, and is now getting a little overactive. So tomorrow I start Syn.throid for the duration. It could be worse, and I'm not really worried at this point. One of the beautiful things about this process is all the testing and monitoring done very early in the process. So, it's okay.
Speaking of this process. Again, I promise, this will NOT be all I write about. It's just new, and overwhelming, and exciting. And I even feel a little bit of guilt that for us it was so quick. I know how hard it can be to read the blogs of those of us who are Pg. I have bawled over a large number of them myself. I was happy for every one of them, but I cried a bunch. And I don't want it to be hard for any of you. But it will be here...it's unavoidable. But I will strive for a good balance, I promise you that.
Loves and hugs to you all!!!
Posted by Kakunaa at 5:16 PM
Posted by Kakunaa at 4:54 PM
Home again..sadly, did not even bother with work today. Knew I would be miserable and very few positions are comfortable. Kidney and bladder u/s is Thursday. Although, they can't do much. LOL.
I have tons to write, and will have a laptop tonight, so for now I am out. Head is still spinning (she says with a huge grin!).
Posted by Kakunaa at 12:43 PM
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I am so happy. And so scared it won't last. I want the next beta, and to see the heartbeat. And oh, my! There is so much to do! But it is early. So I don't want to jump the gun.
My head is spinning...I will find a way to articulate better. But I also promise to not make this be all I talk about...though until that first u/s it may be touch and go.
I tried to work today, but my kidney is kicking my ass, and making me throw up. I made it 1.5 hours at work...and was really only on the phone for an hour. I am going to beg my doctor for an appointment in the morning after we do bloodwork because a plan is needed. I am scared of this, because of Itsy/Bitsy. It is a whole new world out there today....
Head spinning...world changed. Wow.
Posted by Kakunaa at 2:25 PM
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
My boss got fired.
I had to leave early due to a wicked migraine.
Only 5 of the remaining 18 embryos made it to freeze. 5. 7 viable embryos out of the original 26 eggs. 5 frosties.
Posted by Kakunaa at 8:38 PM
The most commonly accepted stages of grief, as far as I could find, are based on the Kubler-Ross Model. And in the last 11 months (almost to the day), I have gone through all of them. But I hadn't had a really good phase of anger with regards SPECIFICALLY AND ONLY related to IF since April...until 3 am. ***TMI WARNING***
I have had gas like you would not believe since ER, a bit before, but severely since then. I am outgassing my husband, and let me tell you, that is no easy feat. There is a reason I refer to him as my own personal Whoopie Cushion. So, I went to bed pretty miserable last night. I woke up an hour later even worse, and then discovered I was in a position I didn't even know was possible. 30 minutes on the damn toilet because I had constipation and diarrhea AT THE SAME TIME. Oh, yeah. How does that work? Not very well, let me tell you. And as I sat there sweating, nearly in tears, praying for relief, I got very angry.
Filled with rage angry. And then I couldn't sleep for all the anger. I had a whole list to write about, in fact. But it's nothing I haven't said before, so I will spare you. I finally slept for a couple of hours, and this morning am not only angry, but anxious, shaky, exhausted, and depressed. All at once. I am worn out. I am tired of this all, and I am ready to be done. I want to be elsewhere. I want to leave it all behind. I want to know what is going on in Helga right now. I JUST WANT TO KNOW.
And then I think, man, we have had it EASY. We tried for 16 months, saw an RE, did testing, and over 6 months found out all of our shit, were left with only one option, and have pursued it. No Clomid cycles, no IUI's, no injectibles with IUI. Just this one, to date, PERFECT cycle. I mean, it doesn't get more perfect. I know so many of you amazing women who have been through more cycles than I can count. I haven't charted in well over a year. I haven't used an OPK or POAS except to ease someone else's mind. I can't imagine doing this over and over and over. Because those 16 months before we saw the RE and our world crashing down were hard enough. I want my mind back. I want my damn body back, and I WANT MY LIFE BACK.
"It'll all be worth it..." Whoever help me, I hope that is true. Because I am done. I need a new job; there are too many memories here dealing only with this. I want to move on if I need to. I want my happy drugs back so I can feel like a normal person for a while. Stick a fork in me. I AM DONE.
This is going to be the longest 24 hours of my life, and I just want to be in bed. But no, I'm at work because we can't afford for me not to be. How do you do it? Ladies? The ones who do this OVER AND OVER again...how???? I'm off my rocker now. I bow down to you and your strength. More power to you.
Posted by Kakunaa at 10:04 AM
How Friends And Family Can Support An Infertile Woman
Posted by Kakunaa at 9:43 AM
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Here's what you need to do ! Put that picture up that one up there on your blog and blog about one thing you're happy about right now and one thing that you're hoping for in the future. You are acknowledging something that's making you smile right now and also putting out there that you have hope for thing one amazing thing to happen in the future, for you to bring you even more happiness! Oh and then you have to pass this award onto anyone who you believe would benefit from looking at their surroundings, their life now and finding happiness in it !
Thank you so much to Erika at Pollination Chronicles for this award!!! Thank you, sweetie!
SOMETHING MAKING ME SMILE RIGHT NOW: Right at this VERY moment? LOL. Finding Nemo. And the gentle summer rain making the house a bearable temperature while nurturing our parched land. And in general, my friends and non-biological family who have become so important to me, who have provided support and asked for nothing in return during this tumultuous time. It's been amazing to not only find solace in friends who have been and are where I am now, but also finding those little coincidences about our lives outside of IF that make those friendships that much better. And knowing that my words can comfort someone else in return, thereby making my life feel that much more meaningful.
SOMETHING I AM HOPING FOR IN THE FUTURE: Other than the obvious? You all know that! I hope that one day, Hubby and I are living in a place we love, with the ability to travel and show our children the amazing things of this world, and make other people see it somehow. To do good. To make a difference, and to wake up in the morning knowing that I am doing something that I feel proud of, that makes this existence worth the stay. Because cubicle land is not that place. LOL. But I believe there has to be a way to make all of this happen. Somehow...
And here are my nominees.
- Rebecca at The Road Less Traveled
- Hillary at Making Me Mom
- Amber at Life in the Last Frontier
- Sara Jean at Journeys Over The Rainbow
- Claire at Lose To Gain
Posted by Kakunaa at 6:22 PM
- BBS are still wicked sore...living in sports bras at this point. Interesting new addition though, was a shooting pain starting in my right nipple and extending outward toward my armpit. Weird, uncomfortable, and incredibly vague as far as symptoms go. But it's the first time I've ever had that happen.
- At Musikfest the other day, it was 100 degrees and muggy as hell. Most of the fest is down by the river, but part is up the hill on Main St. We headed up the street, slowly, and I nearly passed out. A few times. Short of breath, mild chest pain. Nausea. I'm not usually affected by the heat that badly, and everyone else was fine. The near fainting happened a couple of times. It freaked me the HELL out.
Anyway, enough of that. Here's how I kept busy today!
|Pina Colada mini-loaves and....|
|mini-muffins...and may I say...they are DIVINE!!!|
|Apple Crisp (this is the easy one!)|
|And fresh pico de gallo, or salsa, whatever you want to call it.|
This will go with rice and bean burritos for dinner .... numminess!
Posted by Kakunaa at 4:51 PM
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
|Fence at the garden on the grounds|
|Butterfly in the garden|
|Why we go...Seamus Kennedy!|
|Me, Littlest, and her b/f doing a clap along game to Seamus!|
|Little girl on the super bounce thing I can't go on....|
|My friend's son - such a ham!|
|B/f, Littlest, Me, DH|
|A view of the river in Bethlehem|
|The insane crowds as evening approaches|
|A sepia sunset|
Posted by Kakunaa at 11:09 AM
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Anyway, THE PLAN!!
Today: Musikfest (no puter today, so no link...sorry!) With Littlest and her b/f, and later other friends. Tonight - movies on the couch.
Wednesday: CHORES! I have laundry to put away, vaccuming to do, a bathroom to clean, and I think I will organize books until night when friends come over for movies.
Thursday: Chica and I are going to bake like fools. Pina Colada muffins/bread, apple crisp, etc. And make food for the week.
Friday is work. Then the BIG DAY! Sooo nervous. I am not going to want to answer the phone. I don't FEEL pregnant, but at this stage, I wouldn't. Meh. I don't know.
I am going to borrow a laptop tomorrow to show you Musikfest! Oh! Our hard drive is officially fried, so no relief in sight.
Happy Tuesday! I am off to get ready :)
P.S. I WILL NOT POAS is my mantra.
Posted by Kakunaa at 9:55 AM
Monday, August 9, 2010
Okay, for a Leo, I am weird about wanting attention. I like it, but I like it the way I want it, when I want it. Yeah, there might be more to that cat thing than I realized...
Anywho, I am very self-conscious about my body, and I definitely have some tran tendencies. I have always known that the most difficult part about being pregnant would be my BBS getting big and fairly obvious. I'm just not comfortable with them. I don't know how else to explain it. I like to look sexy. Sometimes. Most days I just want to be comfortable. And my body is defying me right now....it's taken over and it's saying, "Ha! You aren't in control anymore!" That would be another one of those Leo traits I got....
So for me to be uncomfortable in my skin and getting stares and comments is difficult. Plus, the biggest downside to being out about my IF is that EVERYONE is tracking my progress. So, bigger BBS = pregnancy, and everyone thinks I should be thrilled and that it's a definite. I know better. Hello? Progesterone? (Oops, let me tighten up the reel a bit....there!)
So, it's a comfort thing. I am more comfortable being androgynous. I know it doesn't make sense in the realm of wanting to become a mother. It's something I am going to learn to live with. And it's fine. It's just an adjustment. But I wanted to explain.
In the vein of learning to love myself, I am posting one of my favorite empowerment songs. Enjoy, and Happy Monday (which was not so perfect, but oh, well).
Posted by Kakunaa at 11:07 AM
Sunday, August 8, 2010
I think I am okay, and then reality blindsides me. Thought I was over the whole Frog and Pixie thing. Until I got to work this morning.
I usually check for his car. So that if I have to avoid him I can. It wasn't there. Told hubby to let Bro know he should check on baby status...sure enough, she's on the way. I cried, and then said not to tell me anything else. And put it aside...until right before the end of the shift. I work with several of his friends. And they got a text about it happening very shortly...which got shown to me. I said I already knew, and then I lost it. And had to leave. With 8 minutes left in the day. Pathetic.
I was supposed to be her godmother. And the labor coach. I helped with the nursery and sorting baby clothes...and now I am nothing and in this shitty wait. And IT SUCKS HAIRY DONKEY BALLS. And I don't care if it is irrational and if I should be over it at this point. I just don't want to hear about it. But Bro lives here...totally unavoidable. Updates nonstop. Fuck my life.
And if ONE MORE GODDAMN PERSON MENTIONS THE SIZE OF MY BOOBS I WILL LOSE IT!!!!
Vent and freak out over. Huge apologies. Gonna go shoot up some progesterone now.
Posted by Kakunaa at 11:08 PM
Text conversation from this morning.
- DH: Why are you at work so early?
- Me: Couldn't sleep, couldn't sit still.
- DH: I sry.
- Me: It's ok. I am so anxious.
- DH: Tell Itsy and Bitsy to hang in there and I will talk to them later.
- Me: I will baby. Dammit, now I am crying.
Posted by Kakunaa at 9:33 AM
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Oh, and thank you for all the fabulous ideas about the name. Binsau as a middle name sounds kinda funky to me, and I don't want to torture my child with the hyphenated Binsau-Richardson. Eek! We shall see, though, I suppose.
I don't even know where to start today. And this is probably going to be realllly rambling. I am going back to work because I can't stand sitting on my butt anymore. I made a metric shit-ton of zucchini mini loaves and mini-muffins yesterday, after the 24 hours was up, to keep myself sane. I took a bag of the mini-muffins with me to the clinic this morning...
We had our progesterone check this morning. Which made me realize that today is potentially the 2nd to last time we will be there...which freaked me the hell out. And they are moving offices, too, which, I don't know, is weird. I don't know why. Don't argue with a severely hormonal woman.
What do I know? I know that since we have Hatchers, if this worked, it worked yesterday. I know that I am super protective of my belly. I know that we played music to them last night, and that Hubby doesn't go anywhere without first talking to the belly and telling them how much we want them. I know that we framed the picture of Itsy and Bitsy and that I've been showing off their photo like people do with their children. I know that if this doesn't work, I want my damn body and mind back. I can't fit into maternity clothes, but I am definitely in my "fat" pants". And baggy shirts. And if I get pregnant, then I am totally good with that. But right now it's like a tease...
I know that I don't get to say I'm pregnant, not for real, not yet. Maybe not ever. And I know I am supposed to think positively, but it is SO DIFFICULT. I can't even imagine it at this point. And I'm tired of the waiting game, and at the same time, terrified for this cycle to be over, because then what? I am making an appointment with my GP for 3 days after the test. That way, if it's positive, I've had my 2nd beta, and can ask for an OB referral to get a jump on it. And if it's not, he can refill my happy drugs and I can go on those so that by the time the real breakdown hits, I will already be medicated. Is that crazy? I just don't want to be blind-sided. Hey, the benefit of all this "no surprise" crap, is that you can be uber-prepared.
The insomnia is back, as of the night before the transfer. Last night wasn't as bad, thank goodness. I don't know how to feel. Everyone is treating me as though I am pregnant, and I'm going with it, but I feel like an imposter. And it's not like if I had "early pregnancy symptoms" I would know. With all the hormones and things my body has been through, it wouldn't know a real symptom if it got bit on the ass. Seriously. I've moved onto sports bras because of the BBS being bigger and fuller and oddly not mine. We already know about the pants. And anything else you can think of can be attributed to the hormones. So it's just a waiting game.
And I'm not trying to freak anyone out, I'm just freaked out myself. I just want to know I'm not totally off the deep end. That it's okay to be a little paranoid/freaked out/uber-emotional right now. Is it?
Posted by Kakunaa at 8:35 AM
Friday, August 6, 2010
So here we go!
|This is a vestige of Old Route 66, smack dab in the middle of Petrified Forest National Park.|
|A view of Fisherman's Wharf from the top of Lombard Street. |
Road trippin' with Mom. Yes, she always hugs the wheel.
Hot Air balloons getting ready to lift off in Sedona, AZ. It was one of the most fabulous things in the world to do!
Posted by Kakunaa at 12:39 PM
As I write this, you have just turned 33, and sit amazed at all the last year has brought. You are in your "2ww" for an IVF cycle, the only one you said you would do, and the doctors gave you an excellent chance of success. You have spent a number of the last months on an emotional rollercoaster the likes of which I sincerely hope you do not have to go through again.
I wonder...are you now the mother of a child or 2? Or are you moving on, or perhaps have you just done an FET? Have you found a new job that doesn't make you crazy? Was 33 better to you than 32 was?
There are some things I want you to remember, whatever the outcome was of that 33rd birthday. So, when you read this, try to remember where you were a year ago.
You are beautiful, you are strong, and you are a good person. And while it seemed like it at the time, it's not the first time you've been through some seriously bad times. Granted, it was the worst of those times, but you did what you needed to do to get through it, and don't feel guilty about things you may have done or said. Self-preservation is necessary.
Have you started taking care of yourself as well as you try to care for others? Have you found something to occupy yourself that makes you feel good about yourself? And I really want to know....are you a mother to children you bore of your own body? I really want to know that...
But most of all, I want to know if you are alright, if you are happy, if this past year gave you what you needed, and in some cases, what you wanted. If not, find what makes you happy again, and go do it. Somehow....You are beautiful, you are strong, and you are a good person.
Posted by Kakunaa at 12:01 AM
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I am lying in the clinic staring at 2 gorgeous hatching blasts, Itsy and Bitsy. And so amazed that they are inside me, that I am sort of pregnant, kind of...
All of our embabies are still growing, though they don't think all will make it to freeze. We won't know that for 2 more weeks.
Doc gives us a 65% chance of success...33% chance of twins! Itsy and Bitsy, I hope you stick around :)
Tomorrow is a double post day, fair warning. And Saturday I will do the Giveaway announcement. Today I am enjoying this glow...
Posted by Kakunaa at 3:36 PM
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Posted by Kakunaa at 10:01 AM
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The downside of IF is that if you are out about it (which is AWESOME!!! - Educate!!!), then everyone and their mother knows you are trying, where you are in a cycle, etc. It takes away some of the surprise. If you aren't out....well, then, just like the rest of us, you are TERRIFIED to jinx yourself by telling someone.
Which all means that we MAY not be able to do the things we want when sharing our news. So I propose that we do it here. Share how you want to announce your pregnancy, or, if you have already had that opportunity how you did it or wish you could have done it. Write a post about it, and let's share that dream here, where it's safe, where all things are possible, where no one will think we are nuts.
Here I go!
When DH and I started trying for baby a couple of years ago, we were also planning our wedding. We hoped to be KU by the wedding, since we knew it was the only chance of both families being in the same place at the same time probably EVER. Our wedding favors were seed packets of wildflowers with our names, etc, on them. (I still have some somewhere...I hope...) If we got prego, I wanted to buy Baby's Breath seed packets, and have the stickers on them have the due date...and include those with the favors. I thought it would have been a great way to announce. And that was the plan, though not with the wedding, but by mail, right up until our diagnoses.
Now I'm not sure. My mom is well aware of the exact timing of the cycle. Because she is making an effort. No one else in the family is really asking about the specific dates. So I don't know. And it's not like it's a surprise, really. I mean, they know what we're doing. But I still want to do some sort of a surprise. So maybe I can swing the seed packets. Though, I am super-tempted to mail everyone a positive HPT. LOL. Cleaned, of course. Because I plan on peeing on a LOT of them when we get our BFP. A LOT. So, I'll have plenty to share :) And I want "open on" dates on them so we can call everyone and have them open together. But again, everyone in my social group will know right away, I'm sure. So I'm not sure how to proceed at this point. And yes, I said "when" -- the Magic 8 Ball has been very certain as of late.
I also somehow want to be able to surprise Hubby. But again, how to do that? He'll know we're waiting on lab results....but I want it to be at least a little special, right? I mean, it's probably the only time I will get to tell him! Still bears more thought. But the original plan....*sigh*...I really liked it.
Remember! Giveaway! Go HERE and enter! I am having a difficult time figuring out if some are entries, so I really appreciate those of you who said you WEREN'T entering. I will assume all others are. I am going to run it through tomorrow night before doing a random pick for the winner. And then hopefully bum a computer to make the copies. LOL.
Transfer pushed to Thursday or Friday...I can't help wondering how our little embabies are doing. The wait is annoying.and frustrating. But no news is good news, right?
Posted by Kakunaa at 11:35 AM