Sunday, February 16, 2014

Ass, Bitten

My mother used to share this story about a day when I was a baby and I wouldn't stop crying. She fed me, she changed me, she rocked me. She tried EVERYTHING and I just couldn't be appeased. She laid me on the bed for a moment, and as I lay there crying she said, "What do you WANT?"

Flash forward 36 years. My son is having a meltdown of sorts. He is very upset. I'm trying to appease him. Out of his mouth comes, "What do you WANT?" Along with "Go to your room NOW."

I have become my mother, and my son likes to point it out to me. Obviously.

My mother is laughing somewhere, because like all moms she just knows things. So she must know that I'm now raising a child just like myself. And this is retribution. I know she's laughing. I know it.

My own words have come back to bite me in the ass. I'm raising another version of myself. My mother is definitely laughing.

Thursday, February 6, 2014


Hopping on to alleviate fears. I am MUCH better. I don't know what caused those several days of hell, but I feel like me again. Just the usual levels of anxiety and exhaustion, which I'm used to. Thank goodness. That was scary.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Bad Times

I have hit a low point.  As low as just before I found out I was pregnant with Finn.  I haven't been this bad in that long.  And it hit like a ton of bricks.  I don't know how to get past it except breathe and take each moment as it comes.  The panic is overwhelming.  The sadness breathtaking.  It's like all of a sudden the meds just STOPPED WORKING.

I know one trigger is that the new job has been delayed in starting and therefore I'm not getting the income I planned on so now money is on the table again.  Money does it every time.  But this time is really bad.  Scary bad.

I just had to go to the bathroom at work and cry.  Oy. That's been a while. How long do I put up with it until I call the psychiatrist?