Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A Fly on the Wall of My Brain

Before I get started...the link I posted yesterday to the 100 Ways seems to have died. I even googled it...No luck. Sorry gang!

999 Reasons To Laugh did a post recently about the inner thoughts of the infertile. And as I lay in bed waiting for sleep at night, I think, "Wow....if only people could hear the random stuff in my head!!!" So, I hereby invite you to be a fly on the wall of my head...

In the last week, the following thoughts have gone through my head:

  • "If my BBS are this sore from BCP, how am I going to tell if they are sore because I'm KU vs. just PMS????"
  • "Must remember to order the sperm."
  • "Do everyone's ovaries hurt during suppression?"
  • "What the heck am I going to wear when my belly gets even more sore from the injections? Dresses? Hmmm, no, because holding up all that material while trying to do the injection is just not easy...Ummm, leggings it is, I guess."
  • "My god, I really want some Chinese food, like NOW!!!"
  • "Holy crap, the cravings are this what being KU is like?"
  • "What am I going to name the embies? Am I going to name them. I should wait. Name them only if they stick....but I name EVERYTHING! Ack!"
  • "Stop counting your chickens before they hatch, woman!"
  • "AAAAAH. I'm a crazy woman!"
  • "Wait, didn't they say NOT to use heat? And I've been using a heating pad to calm down Ig and Ook? I'm in suppression...not stims. It should be okay. Maybe I should call the nurse just in case...."
  • "Lu.pron, needles...I hate you."
  • "Don't forget the ice pack again today, idiot."
  • "Wheatgrass, check. Pomegranate juice, check. Lu.pron and needles, check. Lunch, check. Vitamins, check. Ice pack, check. Okay, I can leave the house now."
  • "I'm not going to POAS, I'm not going to POAS, I'm not going to POAS..." (This is to get myself prepared for a month from now...)

Sound familiar ladies? Oddly, I'm NOT freaking just sounds like that in my brain. Hope that brought back some "fond" memories for you!

I also want to say Thank You from the bottom of my heart for your support yesterday....I was a little wigged out. Had THE TALK about it with the 'rents while we were eating dinner there last night. Here's how it went:

Mom: "So, you're not coming to the shower at all?"

Me: "Ummm, no..."

Stepdad: "Can I ask why?"

Me: "Do you really want to know the answer to that?"

Stepdad: "Only if it doesn't piss me off." (???? I'm supposed to know this ahead of time??? Fuck that, I'm telling you!)

Me: "If it's after my retrieval, I will be sore, tired, in pain, and people won't want to know it's because I just had a needle stuck up my hoo-ha. If it's before, I won't have the time off of work."

Mom: "Well, couldn't you put in an appearance for an hour or 2?"

Me: "We only have 1 car and DH will be working, so I would have to come with someone else who most likely wants to stay the whole time. Trust me, you don't want me here. I can't handle it. It's supposed to be HER day....I would wreck it."

........C R I C K E T S.........

I paraphrased, but you get the idea. They think my openness in mixed company is a bad thing. I just don't cater to other people's sense of decorum. I kinda think it's bullshit most of the time. If that means I don't attend things, then so be it. I'm not pretending to be something I'm not....that's what my evil job is for. Take me or leave me.

I talked to my mom more about it after dinner...she's more understanding, but I could hear the edge in her voice. She SAYS she gets it...but really, she doesn't. She just doesn't want to fight about it.

Other favorite part of the day? We were discussing the crochet projects we are both doing for the sis....laughed about people asking us to make blankets without having any idea the work involved and that we never get projects for ourselves done because it's been baby central. She said, "No one else is allowed to get pregnant for a while."....Me: "Thanks, mom. Could you not say that again?" Mom: "I didn't mean you!". Ugh....and I'm not PC enough for them. And yes, this is the same woman that bailed us out so we could do treatment, but still....the things they say....

Anywho, enough of that. Thank you, AGAIN!! Hugs, kisses, baby dust....I love you all.


  1. GOOD for you, for sticking to your beliefs! I'm so impressed. So many of us bend and even break to try to make others happy when it's not worth it at all. You inspire me!! :)

  2. oh geez - Stick to your guns. baby showers are tough, and to be expected to attend one right after your retrieval? your mom has got to be kidding!

    Love the inner working of your brain, too. and we wonder why we feel so exhausted... Its like my brain is running a marathon everyday with all of the thoughts that fly around up there.

    Thanks for the Beautiful flower picture :) and all of your wonderful comments. Makes me smile every time. !

  3. yep, all of that sounds very familiar. (well most of it, we never ordered sperm or did Lupron..LOL)

    no one really understands Infertility until they are faced with it, it's a curse, we can understand cancer and depression (sometimes), or broken legs and sometimes Broken hearts...but not one gets it, until they "get it"

    Hugs hugs, do NOT go to that party. DO NOT. :)

  4. I'm sorry you're dealing with the baby shower right now. Hopefully they realize that you're doing what is best for you and that's all you need to do. Plus you ARE making her a blanket!

  5. yeah, i agree with amber! good for you. it sounds like the right thing to do. even if your sis is upset now, she'll forgive you.

    sorry to hear the lupron is still stinging!

  6. You are strong for having that conversation with your mom and stepdad. That is a tough one...
    I love to crochet...I started when I was a kid and used to do it all the time as a teen. Even made several afghans. Blankets do take a horrendous amount of time...making one for the sister...again your strong! :)

  7. Good for you for being bluntly honest with them. People who haven't been through it just don't get it.


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