Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Candle, Both Ends

I got a job. 2, actually.  In addition to Fertility Authority, I am now working with an after school program called AlphaBest.  I started Monday.

And OMG.  I've been a SAHM for 18 months - 7 or 8 of which I was in intense therapy.  And now I'm having to be social, functional, and in charge of nearly 20 1st graders.  It's exhausting.  My house is a mess.  I miss my kids.  I have barely eaten because I can't seem to find enough time for basic self-care.

I am so overwhelmed!  I'm trying to give myself a break, though.  I know there is a transition period.  I KNOW this.  But the last 2 days have been so hard.  I just want to crawl into a hole at night.  And I'm training for Fertility Authority tomorrow!  I thought I was busy "just" with the kids.  Holy hell, I've opened a whole new door.

I'm trying not to overextend myself, but let me tell you, all of a sudden projects are lining up.

  • 2 jobs
  • assisting with a blog for the Frisco Moms group I'm in on FB
  • crocheting hats for a charity
  • working on getting my own crochet projects started again
  • POSSIBLY finally making some headway on the whole non-profit thing I wanted to do 
  • helping a neighbor's son get to school the mornings his dad/aunt can't take him
I think I actually forgot some.  I have to pump.  The house doesn't clean itself.  Food also does not make itself.  

How did I do this stuff before???  

I'm happy to finally be doing things that make me feel like I contribute in some way, but wow...just wow...

Monday, August 26, 2013

Dear Finn

I call you our birds n the bees baby.  The baby that shouldn't have been possible.  But here you are, smiling, cooing.  With Phelan I had to hold him ALL THE TIME.  You will nap on your own.  I feel like you are night and day.  Certainly in appearance.  Not in a bad way, just you are very different.  I can't wait to watch you develop.

I worried I wouldn't love you as much.  But it turns out the heart has a capacity I never knew possible.  I feel guilty that you don't get as much attention as Phelan did, because I have you both to care for.  But in the moments when I can, I love to just breathe you in, let you sleep on me because it is as close to relaxation as I know to come these days.  I want to stroke your skin, smell your head, nibble your ears.  I want to eat you up.  That sounds weird, but I just want to consume as much of you as I can before you are a mover and shaker.  I pray that you remain as your brother did, a snuggler.

Today I worked for the first time in a long time.  With 6 year olds.  I both look forward to that growth in you and your brother, yet dread it, for with age comes a certain loss of innocence, dependence.  A loss of the peace that watching you gives me.  I hope that it never completely goes away.

Baby boy, you brought us a 2nd miracle.  You saved me.  Your smile makes me weep with joy. Your determined face makes me laugh out loud.  You suckling on my breast makes me feel complete, and yet sad because it's another thing that in time will go away.

Being your mother is so emotional.   Phelan was our first, and emotional for what it took to get him.  With you, our last, I want every moment to last forever because when it's gone, that's it.  So don't grow up to quickly.  Stay with me.  Be my baby boy.  Let me love you.

Let me love you.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

One Year Ago

A year ago yesterday I hit bottom.  Hard.  I scared the shit out of my friends and my family and could have left my children without a mother.  A year ago today I was checked into a psychiatric facility where I spent 9 days getting my meds sorted out.  We thought.  3 weeks after that I did it again.

I put everyone through so much, even my online friends.  I scared people.  I scared myself.  And I got help.  And then, miraculously, I got pregnant.  Finn saved my life.  I believe that.

A year later where am I?  Well, every day is a struggle.  I'm not sure that will ever change.  Because I was pregnant and now breastfeeding my meds are not where they could be.  And because I'm tired of being overweight because of them.  I'm terrified of working but desperate to get out of the house.  I haven't cut since that night a year ago, but every day I think about it.  I want to do it.  But I don't.

I want to be numb and hopped up on benzos most of the time.  But I'm not.  I want some freaking time to myself, but as a SAHM to the boys, right now that doesn't happen, so I find ways to get the me time I need, even if  for just a few minutes.

More than ever, my kids are my reason.  They keep me going.  I can't let them down.  I don't want to let them down.  I take a deep breath and remember what miracles they are, how blessed we have been.  And I hang on for one more day.

Do I hope that things will be less of a struggle for me in time?  Absolutely.  I will get there.  But I am so much better than a year ago, though some days it doesn't feel like it.  But I am.  I know I am.  I just have to remind myself of it sometimes.

I can transcend my illness.  I AM transcending it.  I can be more than it.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Proud Mama Moment

A couple days ago at the pool, one of our neighbors brought those torpedo things you push toward each other under water that can go quite a distance.  One big one, and 4 brightly colored little ones.  P of course wanted ALL. THE. TORPEDOES.  Which for simplification I called rockets because he knows what those are.  The neighbor was really only using the big one, so P got lucky and was allowed all 4.

Yesterday, he had to learn limits.  Their daughter was playing with a couple, but again, P wanted ALL. THE. TORPEDOES.  There was a screaming crying tantrum.  In the pool.  I talked to him about it, comforted him, but told him they aren't in fact his and he can only have 2 today.  He calmed down, and we swam back to the neighbor, where ON HIS OWN he conducted a successful trade for the 2 colors he wanted the most and then he APOLOGIZED.

I am pretty sure if I had a Mom app there would be some sort of unlocked achievement for this.  Right??

In other news, Finn is such an easier baby at this point than P was.  He nurses a lot, BUT he regularly sleeps 4 or more hours straight, sometimes as much at 7!!!  What????  And he will sleep on his own now!  I am in shock.  He is growing like a fiend, and at 3 months and around 11.5 lbs he has doubled his birth weight.  I pump when I can, but he gets 1-2 bottles a day of either my milk (if i have any) or donor milk.  We are on our 4th donor, and this one will probably be a steady one.  I wish I had known of this with P.  Finn is so much less gassy and irritable than P and I think some of that is the exclusive BM.

Much like his brother he LOVES the water.  He is in every day we are at the pool for as long as his body temp stays okay.  When he gets cold, out he goes.  He adores it, though.  And he gets nursed while floating many days.  Baby bliss!

My mom arrives today for a short visit.  Not nearly long enough...or maybe just long enough.  3.5 days.  It's going to be uber emotional.  Especially when she leaves.  I think I will medicate before she leaves so I am not a total disaster.

I am starting as a PCA (Patient Care Advocate) with Fertility Authority this week, commission only, but it's a start, right?  I'm excited!  I get to do something I am passionate about, even if only for a little time each day.  And it is all thanks to Jay.  I got to speak with her on the phone and it was fabulous!!!  Always fun to connect with someone outside the internets.  We need the money, so pray or whatever, that I do well at it.  Also seeking PT morning work.  Gotta turn things around here.   

And yes, it's 5 am and I'm blogging.  Finn slept from 8-3:30.  I couldn't fall back to sleep so gave up and had some cereal and am enjoying quiet mommy time.  Which gave me time to hop on here!!! Woot.

Hope everyone is well!

Sunday, August 4, 2013

I Don't Want Him To Be Like Me

I can feel the panic rising in my throat like bile.  We are at the pool and P is showing off for a group of boys, trying desperately to be noticed and loved.  It brings it all back.  Being the social outcast from grade 3 on up.  The teasing, the ignoring, the bullying.  The tears.  The hours of wishing I could belong.  My only recourse was to NOT belong.  If they thought I was freak then I would be a freak.

He is 2.  Only 2.  Is that need to belong so deep inside our biology that it begins that early?  The tears are in my eyes now as I think of it.  Please don't let him be like me.  Please let him be okay.  Please let him not go through that.  It's not about being popular, but more about being okay.  I don't want him to go through that.  But I sure as hell don't want him at the other extreme, the type of person who made my school years hell.

I see him striving for attention, to be noticed, to be loved.  Already.  At 2.  Please don't let him be like me...