Saturday, December 31, 2011

Another Year Gone...

I wanted a post with pictures for our year in review, but my laptop charger died, so I don't have access to them.  Also wanted to post Christmas pics...same issue.  They will be posted at some point.  Having said that, however...on to the post.

2011 has been both the best and worst year of my life.  Well, best, and close to worst.

We started out with hope, and joy, and anticipation.  We also got out of debt.  A babe was growing inside me, we couldn't believe our luck, and a settlement came through that allowed us to pay off a ton of things and we hoped, have enough for Cricket 2.0.  Things had never been so great.

The end of January saw me in the hospital, and my body trying to rid itself of baby way too early.  2 months of bed rest ate up the savings.  But, without that money, we would have been in bigger trouble so we were still happy peeps.  I prayed I would make it to my baby shower pregnant, and my wish was granted.  We even successfully made it to 35 weeks, our goal.  Plus a day.

The last 9 months have been filled with so much joy.  We are so incredibly blessed to have this jolly child in our lives.  He fills our days with light.  And often, our nights, LOL.  Even if we never get another go...we count our blessings every day. 

But it has also been a rough end of the year.  Hubby has essentially been unemployed half the year.  Not only are the savings gone as quickly as they came, we are struggling.  We can barely pay bills, and cannot pay rent at all.  It is a terrifying place to be in.  Without P, we wouldn't care as much.  Eviction, living in a shit-hole, these things would be manageable.  Having P means that we really have to make our choices wisely. 

We have gotten public assistance, and are trying to figure out what else we may qualify for.  We face some seriously hard choices in the coming months.  I've never been in such a bad situation before, and there have been some incredibly hard times.  It's terrifying.  And all I can hope is that 2012 brings some changes on that front.  Hubby and I will never be well-off.  But a house of our own some day, and enough to not be scared every month would be nice. 

We seem to be avoiding the tough talks.  In hope of "something will come up".  But soon, the talks will have to happen, the choices made.  And through it all we will have this amazing light in our life who makes all the struggle worth it. 

It still seems so surreal.  Waking up to him, hearing him, watching as he grows, changes, does silly things.  His laugh can brighten the darkest day.  It's like yin and yang around here.  And it's all for him. 

I wish so much for him.  And I pray we can give him the best of us, and not have to struggle.  So my wish for the upcoming year is that we figure a way to do that.  If we also find a way to give him a sibling, awesome, but right now, survival is the key.  I pray that 2012 brings not just us, but all of you, the things you need.  And perhaps some nice surprises along the way. 

Jan 1, 2011 brought us 24 weeks of pregnancy, viability.  January 1, 2012 brings us...well, a big financial hole.  But it also brings a 9 month old wonder of modern medical technology.  And a lot of love. 

Happy New Year to you all.  Joy, peace, and happiness are my prayers for you.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Holiday Hangover

Holidays, especially Christmas, remind me of weddings.

*insert Tim Allen sound here*

Okay, okay, it sounds weird. But hear me out.

We spend MONTHS preparing for Christmas/Hannukah/what-have-you. There is the hype, the preparation, the shopping, the secrets, the anticipation, the last minute mad dash to get everything finished and not totally melt down.

And then the day arrives. Relief. Excitement. Joy times infinity. Chaos, drunk relatives, cranky overstimulated children, and more food than you can shake a stick at.

There is this absolute weariness as the day comes to a close. A thought that OMG we survived, now can I just crawl into bed? The next day holiday "hangover". Whether you drank or not, a bus still ran you over. And then you look around at all the clean up to be done...and think..."Where the fuck is Mary Poppins when you need her?"

How the hell can I fit all this stuff into my house? The honeymoon, it is OVER folks. I need to put away things that are no longer used and set up P's room to be more play friendly, and wash all of the used toys we have so they are nice and sanitary for oh, 30 seconds.

But seriously, I am experiencing some serious "back to life, back to reality" letdown over the fact that this holiday is all of a sudden behind us. All that build up, and all of a sudden, in the blink of an eye, it is gone.

Time flies, right? And right now, it is galloping toward another year, more growth and change, and with any luck, good things for all of us.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

20-ish Questions, Christmas Style

I stole this from Kristin who stole it from a bunch of other people.  I think it originated with Danifred but I could be wrong.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I love doing fancy wrapping, but it NEVER happens.  In my family we try to reuse – I keep boxes and gift bags.  This year I am using leftover newspaper from the neighbor’s route. 

2. Real tree 
or Artificial? REAL!!!  The smell, the feel…mmmm.  Now, in the past couple of years with just Hubby and me, we bought a Charlie Brown tree.  No, really, plastic – looks just like the one from the flick.  Ridiculously cute.  LOL.  But this year, we are back to a real tree J

3. When do you put up the tree?
 We only managed 10 days before this year.  And really, I don’t want any earlier than the 10th.  Needles everywhere, no thank you!

4. When do you take the tree down? Good question.  I imagine just after New Year’s Day it will come down.

5. Do you like eggnog?
 I spent a lot of time on a farm growing up – we made it from scratch with fresh eggs and milk anytime we wanted.  I cannot stand the store-bought variety.  I’m spoiled.  But I know enough now to buy pasteurized eggs.  Oh, my, do I love eggnog.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? I loved something every year.  I remember the Lite Brite year being pretty awesome.  And the year my mom and stepdad got us a trip to Disney World.  We went a couple months later, but that was our big gift.  All our small gifts had clues on them – Mickey and Minnie were everywhere.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?
 Ummm, no.  Pagan-ish over here.

8. Hardest person to buy for? My grandmother.  Hands down.  Impossible.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Hubby, kind of.  If I have money.  My dad.  My mom is ridiculously easy.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
 Snail mail if we manage….which we did this year.  It was important to me.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I wouldn’t say even if I could think of one!  They are all heartfelt.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? It’s a Wonderful Life.  Hands down. But also a huge fan of Love Actually and The Family Stone. (I might be stretching, as they are not traditional, but they are totally Christmas movies!)  

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
 Depends on my financial situation.  Sometimes I find stuff throughout the year and stash it.  This yaer I started in October.  And because I’m hand-making some stuff, it’s coming down to the wire.

14. Ever recycled a Christmas present? No!

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? COOOOOOOKIES (said like Cookie Monster)

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear lights.  I’m old school. I allowed Hubby to put up colored lights outside as I have deemed that his domain.  But stay away from my tree with those colored lights, yo!

17. Favorite Christmas song? I can’t pick a favorite.  I really can’t.  Let me see if I can categorize…Traditional: O Holy Night.  Classic: The Christmas Song (Nat King Cole)  Pop: Christmas Wrapping (The Waitresses) and Santa Claus is Coming To Town by Bruce Springsteen (although I couldn't listen to it for a couple of years, but that's another story)  Silly: Anything by Bob Rivers, I Want A Hippopotamus, Dominik The Donkey, and….Porky Pig doing Blue Christmas.  Also, top of the list = Elvis Elvis Elvis – all his Christmas stuff.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel.  Always have with 2+ Christmases to have each year.  This morning we are driving back home from Sister’s Christmas Eve (Dad’s side celebration) and then heading to my Mom’s for Christmas Day after the morning at home. 

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? No, I always miss at least 2.  I could have cheated and left what Kristin wrote, but I’m honest.  

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither.  Right now we have a sprig of fake mistletoe that we received last year I assume.  It has little frogs glued on it.  Why?  No idea.  I can’t  remember .  I feel like maybe my dad did it….Anywho, that’s what is on the top of our tree, LOL.  

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
 Both, and have for years.  Both of us, actually.  With divorced parents, one gets Christmas Eve and one gets Christmas Day, so 2 separate celebrations.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Consumerism.

23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? I like collecting them over the years.  My ex lost everything I had collected, so we are pretty bare bones right now, but the beauty is that we will collect them over the years and the tree becomes this beautiful collage of old, new, fancy, homemade….I wouldn’t have it any other way.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? I want Hubby to have a job and us to get to try for #2.  Other than that, just love and food and a roof over our heads.  Okay, so it would be nice to be able to see Hubby’s family.  It’s been too long.  I want them to meet their grandson.

We are headed to Sister's for the 1st of our 2 celebrations this evening.  Merry Christmas y'all.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Say What???

Some conversations had 'round these parts in the last month or so.  The ones I can remember anyway.

Me: Can you take P out of the high chair?  He needs to be wiped down.
Hubby: That's what the dog is for.

Hubby: (to P) No laptop for you!  You're too young for porn.
Me: Babe!
H: What?  You said he could play with it. (referring to his penis)
M: Well, yeah, but not in the "grab your dick and double click" kind of way!
*bonus points if you know what this is from!*
*Note: I am not anti-masturbation or anything, just not ready to think of my baby being old enough to do that.
*Note: Which made me realize that one day I will have a wet-dream-having, masturbating-into-socks teenager.  Oh, dear god, help me please.

Hubby: (as we drive past the house where a pot-bellied pig lives) Do you think they had ham for Thanksgiving?
Me: Oh, that's just wrong!
H: What?  They're different from regular pigs! 
M: I'm going to tell Aunt Lin you said that! (they just adopted a pig)
H: I bet they're having ham for Christmas...
M:  Not. Right.

Dad: Phelan, I think you will be sucking on Dad's boob tonight because Mom will be face down on the floor.
Me: Nice, Dad.

Text Message I Received: Hahahaha!! I just googled nipple pain from pumping and I saw your boobies!!!!
*Yup, set myself up for that one

Hubby hands me the sausage to put on for dinner - I make a face while touching the raw meat...
H: What you don't like touching sausage?
M: ........

Me: Be right back, P, I have to to potty.
Stepdad: (upon return) You have a son now, you have to say something like 'I'm going to take a leak.'  None of this potty shit.
M: Okay, umm, I'll try to keep that in mind.

Hubby: I was going to do laundry tomorrow, but I have to watch P.
Me: I take him to the laundromat all the time.
H: Yeah, but that's because you...
M: ...have mad mommy skills?
H: Basically!
M: Damn right I do!

Me: Okay, make sure you put that memory card somewhere safe.  They are small and easy to lose.
Customer:  Hmm, where can I...?  Oh, I know, I'll just stick it under my boob.
M: *snort*  Well, I suppose that would work...but what about if you have to shower?
C: Damn, I do need to bathe.  I guess I will put it in my wallet.

Our site director dressed up as Santa and handed out candy canes.
Supervisor to another Supervisor: Hey, can I sit on his lap and talk about whatever comes up?
*Really, do you need more than that?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

PYHO: Coming Through The Fog

When the fog of depression descends, very little can bring me out of it.  It's like viewing the world through clouded eyes.  You know the Claritin commercials?  Like that.  Sounds are muted, like cotton is in my ears.  Smiles don't quite reach my brain for an appropriate response.  I want to hide in my bed, under the covers, not necessarily sleeping, but simply...not doing, being, living. On those mornings I trudge, I shuffle, I auto-pilot. 
Thank goodness for P.  Because even if he can't cut all the way through the fog, my need to care for him manages to override my need to hide from the world.  Thank goodness.

It's in these times that I resent him, resent my husband, resent anyone who, in my mind, forces me to be a part of things, be social, do anything but sit in a corner and cry.   Yes, I said I resent my son.  The beautiful, amazing, happy, outgoing miracle child I sweat, cried, bled, and prayed for.  When that fog descends, I resent even him. 

And then I think, "Oh, my god, how can I feel that way?  How can I feel anything other than joy and thankfulness at his existence?" Even writing about this, admitting this, I am crying.  Remember a couple of weeks ago I said sometimes I think the depression is worse than the anxiety?  When I am in the throes of a serious blue period I swear that this is worse. With anxiety, there are medicines available for acute attacks.  For depression, not so much.

And lately, this has been a major problem.  Some days I can snap out of it a little.  Sometimes it lasts for weeks.  And when I come out of it, I remember how thankful I am for everything.  And then feel so guilty for the resentment that I feel.

I have just emerged from a bad couple of weeks.  I am tenuously holding onto that.  Because I need to see the good, remember that, and hope my brain can hang onto it.  And it's not just feeling's fatigue, and body pain, and all sorts of other things.  It affects EVERYTHING.  I am happy to be out of it for now.  And trying not to think about it coming again anytime soon

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Sleep Plan

My new bloggy friend Mina thoughtfully sent me "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" (and Nap solution) a couple of weeks ago.  (side note: I recognized the handwriting as German before realizing who it was from and that was a stark reality check of how my Oma has influenced me...).
Being in the midst of holiday prep (please be over soon!) it has been difficult to really get it started.  We (I) have tried so many things.  One thing we (I) realized is that crying it out is NOT an option for us. 

We also have one fairly difficult obstacle: I am up at 4 am, and have to get P out of bed by 4:45 am to take him to the sitter many days.  He is used to that.  And while he tends to fall back to sleep in the car, and then sometimes at the sitter, on days off, he is awake BRIGHT AND EARLY.  A regular schedule is difficult to maintain with that early morning start. 

In the beginning, he spent much of the night in his cradle, and I could successfully get him to sleep many nights without boob or bottle in his mouth because I could rock it, rub his back, etc, right next to me.  He ended up in bed many nights if he woke frequently, but it wasn't too bad. 
When he outgrew that cradle a few months ago, nights took a turn for the worse.  He will ONLY fall asleep if cuddled next to me, with a bottle to doze off.  This goes for many naps as well.  With that close proximity he wakes up A LOT.  Sometimes upwards of 4 times a night.  It is EXHAUSTING.

But I am not going to lie...I love having him next to me.  The apron strings are short and tight...

One of the things in this book says that you have to actually be READY to make a change toward longer sleep patterns.  That opened my eyes.  I realized that part of the cosleeping arrangement was due to convenience and that I slept more doing it that way than up and down to the crib all night.  And sleep won out.  (And cuddles.)

Another thing I learned is that babies wake up.  A lot.  As part of a normal sleep cycle.  So the trick is to teach them to fall back to sleep on their own.  But while I hear all the time from friends about their children sleeping through the night very early on for long periods of time, this is the exception rather than the norm.  That helped me to feel a lot better about our situation.  That and a post by Mama Daisey and her insane cosleeping issues (which seriously could have been written by me it was so similar to our situation).

So, taking these 2 things into account, and reading the various sections, I have started a basic plan.  I kinda skipped some steps as I just want to try out some things to start out, and after the insanity of the holidays, really dig in.  Also, if (WHEN) Hubby starts working, we may need to tweak things, and I don't want to go through it twice so early on. Especially when the process itself means LESS sleep in the beginning.  Trying to fix that, not make it worse.  Zombie mama wants sleep.

Okay, so (also mentioned in another post), we have (ahem, I have) moved the crib into the bedroom.  Due to our old house with tiny doorways and horrid angles, this meant actually nearly a full dismantle and hauling up steep stairs.  Good times.  Then, because the highest setting on the crib is well below our mattress, I (making sure it's stable) rotated the support bars to make it the same level.  Now, this means I have to be uber careful as the mattress is now only a few inches from the top of the crib.  Once he is a bit more adjusted I will lower it again.  It is set up sidecar style, one side off and pushed right up against the bed. (Yes, this makes my ability to get in and out of bed really fun).

Last night was NIGHT ONE of Operation Crib Transitioning.  This idea, the sidecar style, was recommended for the cosleeping parents and what not.  There is also a whole thing about babies who are dependent on boob/bottle to fall asleep.  What I did last night was do the bottle before heading up to bed, or most of it anyway.  Then, got in bed, put him in his crib, gave the last of the bottle, and tried to get him settled. 

FAIL!  LOL.  The thing on the side of the crib meant to soothe him got him all excited and he got soooo mad that he couldn't detach it and play with it.  So, turned that off.  By now he's in full meltdown mode.  Told Hubby to get another bottle, but began trying to soothe.  So I did cuddle him at this point, rocked, put on chest, etc etc etc.  (Ears are bleeding ears are bleeding!).  I started singing one of the songs I use to settle him and bam, the mute button went on! I was letting him lie next to me, and he was getting drowsy and looking at me all lovey...this went on for a number of minutes until he seemed to be just about out.  The move over to the crib was not so smooth, and he woke up.  Hubs had brought a bottle, but he didn't really seem to want it, and after a lot of kicking, mumbling, wiggling...he fell asleep.  ON HIS OWN. 

It took an hour.  Start to finish.  And he only stayed asleep for 2.5 hours, by which time he had rotated 180* and moved himself over to where my mattress and his meet.  Cuckoo boy. 

We played the get back to sleep game twice last night before the 4 am wakeup.  Not bad.  I had to schooch over and snuggle a bit or pat him, and there was still some bottle dependency, but we will try this new technique for a bit and then move forward.

Note: When P is not right next to me, he is MUCH more active in his sleep.  Moving, kicking, fussing, TALKING.  I slept LESS.  Mom radar was on high alert. 

Thank you for making it to the end of this post, if you did.  Seriously.  Since I am not truly logging, this offers me a way to document.  And since I know some of you are in a similar predicament, I thought I would share.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Who Am I, Why Am I Here

This mama needs to make some changes.  My former libido, well, let's just say that a three-toed sloth only needs 1 foot to count how many times I've knocked boots this year. 
A plan is required. 

Step one began yesterday.  30 min cardio every day after work.  I have to start slowly as I am so out of shape, but it's a start.  I will work up to heavier cardio.  With any luck this will jump-start my metabolism.  Until I can feel good about my body again, I will have some serious issues letting someone else have access to it.  I'm not confident in being sexy right now.  More like frumpy and fat.

Step two:  I HAVE to find the time to shave.  I am Chewbaca.  I hate doing it, I hate the time involved, I hate that it takes something that is totally sexist to make me feel sexy, but maybe it will help.  For now anyway.  You know, pretend I am a girl as well as a sleep-deprived Mama with no free time.

Step three: Began this last night as well.  Crib transitioning.  So that there is not a baby between us at night.  The crib is now riding sidecar toddler bed style, mattresses at the same level.  Now I just have to get Hubby to come to bed before, oh, 1:30 am when there is no way in hell he is getting laid as I only have 2 more hours to sleep.  Hopefully this will change some WHEN he is working.  (Positive thinking).

Step four: This will be difficult.  The zoloft has killed my sex drive, BUT I had a seriously racy dream last night, so maybe things are getting moving in the right direction.  I need to make time to actually interact like a married person with Hubby.  I mean, kisses, PHYSICAL CONTACT.  The way I feel these days, I kinda just want to be left alone, but everything takes work, so I have to overcome the numb. 

Step five: Date nights?  I would love to implement these.  First we need money for a sitter...and the insanity of the holidays needs to pass.  Then maybe?  I hope?  Not that we had these before, but when it was just the 2 of us, it wasn't really necessary.  We don't even really cuddle any more.  So sad.  Time to fix this.  But after the holidays and WHEN Hubs has a job. (see the positivity?)

So that is my 5-step plan.

 Thoughts?  Ideas?  Help me have a marriage again, please.  I have attached so much of my identity to that little butterball that I seem to have forgotten what got me here. 

Saturday, December 17, 2011

A Trip To The Tree Farm

I didn't do a FNL because, well, my week sucked, culminating with Friday.  I didn't want to unload again.  So, we got through the day...including our first family Christmas tree.

Before I share, a cool thing this week: P finally figured out how to roll back to front.  Which causes hilarity as he now travels by rolling.  Not very far, but if I put him down on his belly, within 10 minutes he is in another location entirely, usually facing the complete opposite direction.  He is so stinking cute sometimes I can't stand it.

Anywho, to redeem our shitty day, we got the first tree.  And we went to a local tree farm and had to cut it ourselves (read: I took pics while Hubby cut down the tree).  The man running the place was awesome, and he let us see the chickens and rabbits for P, and we had a lovely chat - much in common, and I'm glad the one closer was closed, as I feel it was kismet that led us to this one instead.  Enjoy the pics!

Hubby hard at work.

P watching Daddy and trying to figure out what the hell he is doing.

Tree: Acquired

P observing the readying of the tree.

My artsy-fartsy photographer side came out while we were in their barn
and I couldn't resist a few photos.  I'm sparing you some, but this struck
me when I saw it and I HAD to shoot it.  

I took 4 of these, one each with a different color highlighted....considering
a framed version with all 4.  You know, when we have money.  And I get
all the other stuff I want done first, LOL.

P thought the rabbit was uber soft.  The rooster
that was there kept crowing, and P would answer
back.  It was awesome!

Again, couldn't resist.  I could have spent hours
photographing inside this barn.  I may go back and
do just that.  I am sending them some of the photos
I shot :-)

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Crazy Lady Rant

There is so much on my mind, so much I want to write about. But I'm tired of being a Debbie Downer. I don't want to always be "woe is me."

But I'm tired of making decisions that rob Peter to pay Paul. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like we get something good to happen and then just as quickly a series of shit-on-us days. We had our dream come true in P earlier this year, and I feel like I almost can't enjoy that fact as much as I want to.

YES. I want my goddamn cake and a fork with which to eat it. I want to just grow my family like a freaking normal person. Wah. Pity Party. I know, I know. But could I get just a little bit of time to truly enjoy things before fretting about something else? Fuck.

I need to figure out a way to bring back me and Hubby time. To overcome the lack of sex drive. (Side note: someone played with my hair today because it hasn't been this long in a while and it ellicited a response I didn't expect...I need to make that happen at home.) I think the money frustrations and me going to bed so early and feeling like a flabby tub of lard are all contributing to not wanting to be...naked. Really, with anyone.

You know what I want most? I want a chance to cry. To let out all this fear and anger and frustration. I want a night to cuddle. Just cuddle. With no pressure or, ummm, pokes. I feel like I need to start over. I need to be wooed. And I need some bloody foreplay. I don't want a quickie. My body needs some encouragement these days. And even though P barely nurses these days, I still feel like my BBs are off-limits...which is NOT helping.

I feel the need for some major changes. MAJOR. Like, an overhaul of my life and person and ...whatever all goes with that.

And since I'm being a whiny brat, let me put it all out there. That overhaul needs to include some decisions about Christmas. Because right now I am hating it. I used to LOVE Christmas. Love it. I love the SPIRIT of it. I won't get into the things that have slowly encroached into my Christmas joy, but suffice it to say that currently, it deals with money. I am tired of being the family members who can't give back. I'm tired of seeing dear friends struggling to buy gifts for their children. It shouldn't be a choice between food and gifts. I hate that we are doing food and clothing drives at work and I'm thinking...I want to give, but I actually NEED these things.

I over-empathize. I know this. But I think a discussion with Hubby is going to happen wherein we start a tradition, now, before P knows any different, that Christmas in our family involves stockings maybe, but that we give our TIME for the season. We go volunteer. Something.

How we will reconcile this with the rest of the family. To be fair, it has become very low key in terms of gifts. "Need, Read, Eat, Play" Unfortunately this year I pretty much only managed need and read for mostly everyone. So maybe it won't be that hard. I don't want P to ever feel sleighted though. So we need to start teaching him the true spirit early.

See, this is why I haven't been blogging lately. I am so overwhelmed...I don't even know where to start. And I can't even consolidate my thoughts into concise, well-written information. So, today, you get verbal diarrhea. I'm sorry. But thank you thank you thank you for listening. Seriously. Without you all this would all be oh, so much harder.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


With my fluctuating mental state, my feelings about Cricket 2.0 change sometimes from hour to hour. Some days I think, "No way can I go through the 8 months of puking, possible bedrest, lack of sleep for god knows how way can I fret wondering if embryos take, or that if it doesn't work we really have no more options." It's too much.

And then I have times like over this past weekend. Friday evening P got a chance to hang out with Niece. And he's now old enough to interact. They were kissing on each other, trading toys back and forth. Interacting. Like siblings (really close in age) might.

And then I see 2 children in my head, playing on the floor...not the 2 in front of me, but P and another could-be sibling. I see him kissing a baby brother or sister on the forehead. I SEE it. Like ghosts of children future.

I get baby fever around newborns, feel my ovaries and uterus literally ache, but it's seeing P with other children that totally sets off my IF meltdown mode. It's when I know that I should NOT make the decision to give up when I am down. It's when I know that my family doesn't feel complete. It's when I know that even though I'm exhausted, scared of failure, scared of handling 2 children, that I want a sibling for our sweet boy.

Here's the thing...I think if we need to make the decision that he is to be our only child that I will somehow learn to cope. He is an active kiddo, and giving him all of our attention won't be such a bad thing. I'm not there yet, but some days I am close.

If you decided to forgo further treatment and enjoy your one miracle, how did you decide that? Was it difficult? How did you let go?

Friday, December 9, 2011

FNL: The One Where I Seek Public Assistance

  • We had our WIC appointment Wednesday.  And I did my first WIC purchase today.  I thought I would feel some issue regarding my pride doing this, but it turns out I really don't.  Having jarred food is weird, but it comes in handy for packing for overnight trips.  Hope he likes it!  The formula alone is worth it!
  • There were itty bitty newborns at the office...OMG can you say baby fever?  Here I am sitting in a public assistance office, needing money, and all I can think is, "I want Cricket 2.0".  Hmmmm, anyone see the conflict there?
  • I also started canning this week!  Have been meaning to for ages, and Christmas' "eat" item pushed me into it.  Have made Ginger Pearsauce and Spiced applesauce.  Up soon are chutney and marinara.  I can only do fruits as I do not have a pressure canner.  It's kinda cool to see jars I processed in my pantry :-)
  • P's hair appears to have started growing at long last.  Not much, but definitely a start.  I can't wait to see how it grows as it is apparent that he has a few wicked cowlicks.  And I want to see if sperm daddy's waves win out over my uber straightness.
  • He also will FINALLY hold a bottle, though we have to trick him into it, and it's not every time.  However, sippy cups/straws are still an epic failure.
  • Speaking of sperm daddy...I put a post on a DSR a number of months ago, but can't afford to register to get email addys of those on there.  The other day I got an email from one of  the donor siblings' mothers!  Mom of T, aged 7.  I even have photos!  Hard to tell with all of P's chub, but he seems to have the same cheeks and ears.  Her son is also uber chipper and active and sleepless.  Can you say "modern families?"  All together now...
  • Hubby's license showed up!  3 days after he mailed the request in.  The school had never sent it, the bastards.  But the good news is that he will be starting a temp job this upcoming week whilst he looks for something both more permanent and with better pay.  Thank goodness!
  • I survived the week that never ended!  I took unpaid time off a couple of days for a break.  Nope, can't afford it.  Don't care.
  • My back is worse...I now have a tingly spot, on and off.  So off to the doctor I went finally.  Will be having it x-rayed Monday after work.  Doubt anything shows up.
  • We are starting to water down P's bottles at night in an attempt to wean him from night feedings.  First night didn't go very well.  Also going to move crib up into our bedroom for the purposes of transitioning to the crib.  I love having him next to me, but it is wearing on me with the no sleeping thing.  I bet that is half the trouble with my back.  And I miss cuddling with Hubby.  This way he is still close by and knows it.  Hoping for some progress. 
  • Heading to Nana's for tonight and tomorrow...which means they play with P and I hopefully get Christmas cards addressed and ready to go as well as finish up some Christmas projects.  No lounging for me...this is a business trip!
  • During this time Hubby has promised to clean the house...not holding my breath.
  • I still get a kick out of seeing P smile in his sleep.  Makes my day.  :-)  I promise more videos next blogging took a side seat to naps this week while I tried to survive the scheduling transition.
  • 2 weeks till Christmas!  Gah!  Project overtime begins now!  

Enjoy your weekend!  

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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

PYHO: The Weight Of Him

The to-do list I wrote up crinkles in my pocket as he adjusts his position, letting out a little sigh of contentment.  My left arm is asleep because when he fell asleep, he leaned onto my bicep.  The room has gone dark in the last hour, but the lights remain off.  The cats are begging for food, the dishes offend the eyes, and fur swirls under the fan along the carpet.

All of the thing that need to be done are, again, put on the back burner.  The Christmas gifts I need to finish?  The pie I promised?  The laundry that never gets put away? 

None of it matters in these moments.  The weight of him, the incredible warmth he gives off, the softness of his skin.  These things combined create magic, a feeling indescribable by words alone.  Perhaps with the addition of an orchestra and light show it could be done.  But I don't think so.  This time with him, these stolen moments when other things should be done, are priceless.

One day in the not-so-distant future, he won't need me as much.  He won't think the perfect place to rest is my body.  He will want to run, to jump, to have independence.  I will have to sneak the nuzzles of his neck, his scalp.  Tracing the lines of his hands, the creases in his wrists will no longer be a daily possibility, but a stolen luxury.

One day he will actually become the little boy I see in him so often now, and not a baby anymore.  He won't roll over seeking me, sleeping only when his hand comes in contact with my shoulder, when he can smell my skin close to his.  He won't regularly bury his head in my chest, bashful and loving, or reach up to touch my cheek while nursing or drinking a bottle.

And so that to-do list in my pocket will wait, will grow wrinkled, be lost until it turns up in the wash.  The cats will wait a little longer for food.  The furbaby dust bunnies will accumulate and the dishes will pile up.  Because in these moments, the weight of him is the most important thing, the most precious thing.  It is my reason for waking, for working.  The rest can wait while I drown in his softness, his odor, his absolute trust in me.  The rest doesn't matter while the weight of him fills my heart.


Friday, December 2, 2011

FNL: I'm Cranky This Week

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  • Have I told you that P's penis has become an innie because he is so chubs?  Looks like a little finger trap.  Hysterical trying to clean it!
  • I had to make up our Holiday card list - NOT EASY! 
  • P only woke up once Monday was AWESOME!  I slept for nearly 5.5 hours straight.  Ahhhhhhh :-)
  • My boobs have officially started shrinking.  Sigh.  All flab now.  Yick.
  • P is VERY grabby right now.  It's all "mine mine mine" without the actual word.  If it is within reach, he will fight you for it.  Strong little booger.
  • The driver's license drama continues.  It never showed.  The school will not return calls.  Because it is a CDL and the address of record is the school's, if he goes out there to request a duplicate, it will be mailed to the school again.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Only option is to request his SNAIL MAIL.  And then pray the PA DMV will take those in order to process the license transfer.  Yes, this will take several more weeks. No, we are not happy people.
  • Remember the epic fall I had a couple months ago?  My rib is STILL out of place.  Chiropractor puts it back, it pops back out.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Pain, drugs, pain, drugs.  You get the idea.  
  • P is slowly being weaned onto table food chopped and mushed into teeny pieces, for dinner only, as that is the only meal for which we can do that.  With iffy results.  He will really eat just about anything.  Including mildly spicy things.  It also forces me to make healthy meals every night.  This is a good thing.
  • He had yet another nasty yeast infection right around his bum-hole this week.  So bad it was bleeding and warranted a trip to the doctor where we discovered he is still gaining about 1/2 a pound a week.  22lbs 11oz as of Monday.  CHUB!  We had fun at the doctor though!
Reading in the waiting room.

Thigh Chub!

Hmm, how much do I weigh?

Woohoo!  This table is fun!
  • Poo has become more regularly "solid" meaning we can use the flushable liners successfully, and therefore, less time spent spraying out poop explosion diapers.  Yes, this is exciting. 
  • I feel I have been very negative lately, and I'm sorry.  Work has been rough, and the financial/roomie issues are getting to me.  I really am trying to see the bright side of things. 
  • So if you can figure out a bright side to the hole I found in a molar at the gumline which is forcing me to go to the dentist for the first time in longer than I can remember.  I HATE the dentist.  I don't wanna.  Sigh...going to suck it up and make an appointment today...
  • Speaking of teeth...I think the "teething" was not teething.  No teeth as of yet.  Nada, zip, zilch.  But I do think we will potentially see movement by Christmas.  Maybe.  Or maybe we will still just have the worm.  Who knows.  It is all a big guessing game :-)
Happy Friday to those of you for whom this is actually Friday!  Go have a weekend for me.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Preparing For Breastfeeding

* Note: I stole this from Aly who stole it from a friend :-) who apparently found it on  You know I love breastfeeding, but I nearly peed myself reading this.  For those thinking about breastfeeding, this is just the worst of also has its joys.  For those of you who went through hell, you will enjoy the flashbacks.  Note: put on a panty liner first for those embarrasing leaks.  And, I wish I could be this clever!  Enjoy!

Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel." If you really want to feel ready to nurse, here's what to do.

Day 1
Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2
At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.
Day 3
Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."
Day 4 
Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5
Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6
Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."
Day 7
Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8
Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9
Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.
Day 10
Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11
Go someplace public -- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building -- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12
Suckle a wolverine.
Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe