I have been REALLY good about being positive this last week. And this particular post is not even really related to our cycle, but to our IF journey in general. Or mine, anyway. I'm sorry for the double post today....I woke up this morning with this weighing on me and I HAVE to get it out.
My sister is 7 months pregnant. She is due early September, right around DH's birthday and our anniversary. Right around when we will either be getting the first u/s to see a heartbeat and get released to an OB or mourning for our failed attempt.
Last year, she and I commiserated together. She has hypothyroidism and was not allowed to try for a pregnancy until she was stabilized with her treatments. The last time I saw her I talked to her about us using DS and we joked about ending up potentially with a biracial child depending on the donor. Unbeknownst to me at the time....she was Pg. She hid it until she hit 11 weeks, which I understand. Must be nice to have that luxury. But it was right around when we found out about my endo and blocked tubes. Right after, in fact. And then I realized she'd been Pg at that last conversation.
I felt so...betrayed. She's younger than me. She owns a house. She's always been the one to do things right. She is freakin' Donna Reed. We barely speak right now. And, sadly, I haven't seen her since then. I've watched a couple other friends go through pregnancies, and watched a few bellies grow. I figured out a way to handle it. And yet, I can't bring myself to see her. I am even avoiding my grandmother's birthday party so I don't have to see her.
She and I have a rocky relationship at best, and right now....I can't do it. I can't watch her do yet something else right while we are struggling for everything...it just makes me feel like more of a failure. Don't get me wrong...I'm diligently working on a baby blanket for my soon-to-be niece. And I think I'll be able to see the baby when she's born. I think.
Her baby shower is the weekend I should be having my ER...I've already told her I'm not sure I will be able to attend. I haven't told her that even if I have the time off, I probably won't be attending. My mother gave me hell...."You're going! It's your sister!" Sure, from the other ridiculously fertile woman. Can't you just see it? Me LOOKING Pg from stims, knowing my eggs are just about to, or have been fertilized..."conception" occurred...trying to play baby games and watch her caress her giant belly? While I ice mine and hope for good embryos and try to be PC when answering questions about why I look enormous. Because no one will want to hear that I just had a giant needle stuck up my hoo-ha and that's why I'm a LITTLE uncomfortable. Right.
Please tell me I'm not a horrid sister. Please. Lie to me if you have to.