I have been REALLY good about being positive this last week. And this particular post is not even really related to our cycle, but to our IF journey in general. Or mine, anyway. I'm sorry for the double post today....I woke up this morning with this weighing on me and I HAVE to get it out.
My sister is 7 months pregnant. She is due early September, right around DH's birthday and our anniversary. Right around when we will either be getting the first u/s to see a heartbeat and get released to an OB or mourning for our failed attempt.
Last year, she and I commiserated together. She has hypothyroidism and was not allowed to try for a pregnancy until she was stabilized with her treatments. The last time I saw her I talked to her about us using DS and we joked about ending up potentially with a biracial child depending on the donor. Unbeknownst to me at the time....she was Pg. She hid it until she hit 11 weeks, which I understand. Must be nice to have that luxury. But it was right around when we found out about my endo and blocked tubes. Right after, in fact. And then I realized she'd been Pg at that last conversation.
I felt so...betrayed. She's younger than me. She owns a house. She's always been the one to do things right. She is freakin' Donna Reed. We barely speak right now. And, sadly, I haven't seen her since then. I've watched a couple other friends go through pregnancies, and watched a few bellies grow. I figured out a way to handle it. And yet, I can't bring myself to see her. I am even avoiding my grandmother's birthday party so I don't have to see her.
She and I have a rocky relationship at best, and right now....I can't do it. I can't watch her do yet something else right while we are struggling for everything...it just makes me feel like more of a failure. Don't get me wrong...I'm diligently working on a baby blanket for my soon-to-be niece. And I think I'll be able to see the baby when she's born. I think.
Her baby shower is the weekend I should be having my ER...I've already told her I'm not sure I will be able to attend. I haven't told her that even if I have the time off, I probably won't be attending. My mother gave me hell...."You're going! It's your sister!" Sure, from the other ridiculously fertile woman. Can't you just see it? Me LOOKING Pg from stims, knowing my eggs are just about to, or have been fertilized..."conception" occurred...trying to play baby games and watch her caress her giant belly? While I ice mine and hope for good embryos and try to be PC when answering questions about why I look enormous. Because no one will want to hear that I just had a giant needle stuck up my hoo-ha and that's why I'm a LITTLE uncomfortable. Right.
Please tell me I'm not a horrid sister. Please. Lie to me if you have to.
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You are NOT a horrid sister. You need to focus on yourself right now, not anyone else. What you are going through is physically and emotionally taxing and to go to a baby shower on the same weekend as your ET is too much. If it were me, I wouldn't go.
ReplyDeleteYou are not horrid. You are a sweet, normal woman whose body is being taken over completely by hormones. It is ok to be honest. Last year, I couldn't bring myself to go to a very close friend's baby shower (we were dealing with our second failed IUI at the time) and she understood, but was visibly disappointed, but I had to protect myself and my sensitive heart. You are protecting yourself and that is exactly what you should be doing right now. Please don't be too hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteI will say this though, I did decide not to go and felt good about my decision, but now that a year has passed and I finally got my BFP, I do feel like I should have made more of an effort to go, or at least go for an hour and leave before they opened gifts or something.
Ultimately it is up to you and you will make the best decision for you.
Good Luck.
Oh yeah, and I did pineapple every day from transfer to BFP. ;)
You're not a horrid sister. Your human and female and infertile. Often I feel that people don't take considerations and feelings of infertile women because its not something staring them in the face like a broken arm. It doesn't just heel. Just call her up and ell her you love her in her own way, tell her your glad she doesn't have to muster the strength and courage to battle infertility and that you can't wait to meet your niece but a party is out of the question.
ReplyDeleteoh sweetie, not horrid. Not at all.
ReplyDeleteI always believe in self preservation and a sister relationship, esp one where she gets what she wants/needs more than you do..is going to be hard no matter what.
I have a sister, who didn't always get everything but I remember one of our Clomid cycles failed the night before her wedding, I also knew because I had seen her 2 weeks before for pre wedding stuff that she just might be Oing for her honeymoon. Now, when I look back I know that my sister (god love her) had about a 0% of getting pg (she has a lot of female issues and will prob never conceive , not that she wants to) but i was SOOO Crazy back then that I honestly couldn't look at her on her wedding day without snapping, "don't you DARE get PG before me"....i own it, I said it....3 times that day.
You love your sister, you will love your niece, when your life makes more sense , their place in it will too.
NOT HORRID, just honest and really really lovely.
HUGS
I hope your sister is understanding of your situation. I can guarantee you that if both of my sisters were pregnant and I was not, I would be the exact same way. In fact, when my younger sister got pregnant without even knowing it, I did want to avoid her. Not because I don't love her, but because it puts salt in the wounds. I do NOT think we're horrid sisters!
ReplyDeleteI got lied to by my best friend about her recent pregnancy during her first tri, and it still stings. Fortunately, I vented it out to my own sister who was even more upset about it, so I'm sure she won't do the same to me should that time come.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're going through this. You need to do what's best for you and sit out on the get-togethers and showers that cause you grief. I'd like to think that a heartfelt card and your sweet homemade gift will be enough to convey your best wishes for your sister, and if she can't be sympathetic to that, then poo-poo on her.
You're not horrid at all. You're being human! When I said for some positivism is something some people have to fight for daily, sometimes you need to LET THE HURT OUT. Gentle hugs, hon.
ReplyDeleteYou're not a horrid sister, I think that an ER and a shower are probably too much for one weekend. OTOH - is staying away worth it if it's going to further damage your relationship with your sister? So - my suggestion... pick out a really awesome card, and send a gift. Maybe even call her and tell her how happy you are for her (because you are happy for her) and that you're sorry you couldn't make it because you're not feeling well, and wouldn't want to drag down the party. It's all true, and it preserves the peace.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a terrible sister. You guys are in different places right now. You have to protect your sanity and if that means you take a little break then so be it. I am sure when you are ready you will be reach out to her.
ReplyDeleteI think you are a woman going through hell right now. I think you need to protect your heart and do what helps you.
ReplyDeleteI also think that your sister understands your struggles even if you don't want to see/believe that. I think that by her hiding it was her trying to figure out how to tell you correctly. Which she failed at.
I don't know the whole story but I think a phone call to hopefully clear the air might help you out - not her - you. You don't have to go to her baby shower, I'm sure she'll understand, even if your mom doesn't.
You are not a bad sister for feeling these things. My sister, who is a single mom because of an unplanned pregnancy, waited to tell me last that she was pregnant. She told everyone else first and then had the gall to tell me she wanted to tell me before everyone else. Inside I was infuriated with her and to this day I still have such a rocky relationship with her b/c she is just soo oblivious to the whole situation. I understand how it feels to have the rest of the fam excited about the upcoming baby and wonder whats wrong with you b/c you're not as joyful as they. It's soo hard and I'm sooo sorry you have to deal with this now ESPECIALLY in the midst of your trying to conceive. I think of you daily and pray that this cycle is it! sincerely, Evie
ReplyDeleteYou're not terrible. You're stuck in a terrible situation (well, one that makes you feel crap) and you need to protect yourself. Her baby shower is less important than being there for her when the baby is born. So if you have to pick between them, I'd visit her in hospital, IF you think you can. I'm hoping that your IVF cycle goes smoothly and you get quite a few good quality embies. Our cycles are going to be pretty close, so I'll be thinking of you!! (((HUGS)))
ReplyDelete