Saturday, June 7, 2014

The Unglamorous Side Of Motherhood

2 nights ago Finn threw up in the middle of the night. I rolled in it, it was all over the pillows and bedding. The mattress still smells like it. We cleaned up as best we could and slept elsewhere. Over the last couple of days he's had diarrhea. leading to explosive diapers and poopy EVERYTHING, including me. We have a potty training 3yo. Let's just say bodily functions and fluids have been running my life more so than usual.

Last night, in the span of an hour, I cleaned up diarrhea, then got vomited on, got Finn and I into the bath to wash up where Phelan joined us. After we got out, Phelan pooped in the bath (we are having trouble with that aspect of potty training), and then he got distracted and peed on the side of the couch/floor. We are getting our money's worth out of the spot cleaner we bought. Hubby now has it's process down pat.

Just when I thought we were through the horror, first thing this morning there was more explosive poop and an outfit change for 2 of us.

The good news is that I'm laughing about it. Because crying just seems like overkill.

Also, I don't have the energy to cry. I'm too busy cleaning vomity poopy peed on clothes and bedding.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Potty Training Hilarity

Being at school is a world of good for Phelan, even if he is having a tough time adjusting. He's in the potty training classroom. Younger kids, but an easier transition for him plus the benefit of potty training. On Tuesday he pottied once successfully; same with Wednesday. Twice on Thursday, and then all day on Friday, excluding nap time.

We hadn't been able to get him to go at home, but it was only an hour before bed. But we sat him on the toilet and tried. He prefers to sit. One night he's on the toilet and we're with him in the bathroom and he's grunting with the effort of trying to produce pee. Then he says, "Mommy, it won't come out. It's broken. I can't fix it!" We about died laughing. He's all pulling at his penis trying to make the pee come out. Hysterical.

This weekend I was determined that we would not lose the progress we made during the week, so I took the diaper off and promised cookies in exchange for successful pottying. I had to go out and get more cookies. So yay! He hadn't pooped all day, which isn't surprising. They hold it for diaper time. But he didn't.

You know those bleachable moments commercials? Well, we had one. Phelan pooped, but not in the potty. He brought Hubby poop. On a lid from one of the pieces of his play kitchen set. "Here, Daddy."  He was so proud of himself. I nearly peed myself laughing. Poop on a platter. I can't wait to tell his first date that story.  BLACK. MAIL.

I had to share.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

What a Week

Monday our sitter gave us a week's notice. One week. You have to understand that we were paying DIRT CHEAP for child care. And we are still really tight on money. So losing her was a panic-inducing blow. To say we were scrambling was an understatment. Assuming we could find a similar situation, most people don't deal with our late pick up (7pm some days), and no childcare facility will. We were on the waitlist for subsidized childcare through the state, but no idea when that would come through.

I was talking to my one boss, with whom I have become friends, and she was so upset at me maybe needing to quit to work for a facility where I can bring the kids for free. Though she understood. We were trying every avenue we could think of.

It turns out that Tuesday night after our meeting my friend went to the director and area director and said to them that they couldn't afford to lose me and they needed to figure something out. They went to the owner.

The next day I found out that they worked out a way for both kids to come to work with me and attend the school without much more cost to me than we had been paying, and it's for 5 days a week, not 3. I cried. My director told me I'm worth it and that they cherish me as a teacher. I cried again.

I've found a community at this job. I feel wanted at this job. And now my kids get to be social. Phelan needs it especially. He's going to have a harder transition than Finn, though Finn had a rough day yesterday.

So that worry was over but then I was worrying about them being in school what with eating issues and Phelan's issues with structure when he's always just free played. Can't win for losing, right?

We've decided to put Phelan in the class just below him, the older 2yo, because it's slightly less structured and has more potty training abilities, to help him transition into going to school. After summer he will move up to the preschool class.

Finn is going into the Toddler class. Young Toddlers, though really it's just one class right now. He is the youngest, and not walking yet. So I think he was overwhelmed  by the rough and tumble of the other kids. But he'll get there. In Older Infants he was king of the roost and had a blast. But he might as well get used to being in a toddler classroom as he'll be walking soon.

I've been given a great opportunity here. To be able to put my kids into a school that they never would have been able to attend. And I can check in on them during the day. I sneak, though, because they still melt down if they see me and then I leave again.

So, a new chapter in our lives. My kids are in school!

Sunday, May 18, 2014


Sorry for that last negative post. I was so frustrated. Am frustrated. It just feels like we never get ahead and it gets old. And exhausting. I was whining, though. I wouldn't want to read outright whining. So I apologize.

Saturday, May 17, 2014


This week I had a whopping $50 to buy groceries. $50. 4 people. Do the math.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Anxiety Full Speed Ahead

Sunday I had a panic attack that had me calling Hubby at work and begging him to come home. Usually if it's a little anxiety I can handle it. This was full blown. I ended up having the neighbor come over and he watched the kids until Hubby could come home. I was a disaster. Monday morning I woke up feeling very discombobulated. I managed to make it to work, but I was seeing double, and kept bumping into the curb driving. My boss sent me home, with a promise to tell her I made it safely. I went to the doctor, and he came close to ordering a CT but opted for bloodwork instead. Now I'm waiting to hear back on it. And I'm off work again. 2 days. I'm still super edgy and at the same time all I want to do is lie in bed. I just saw the psychiatrist a few weeks ago and we kept my meds where they were. I'm wondering if it's time for a change. I'm missing blocks of time from Sunday and yesterday. Like blank spots in the day that I just can't remember. I tried to do laundry that I'd already done. It scared the shit out of me.

Maybe I should switch to decaf.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Happy Birthday Finn!!!

A year ago today Phelan flopped on my large pregnant belly, tore the placenta, and less than 12 hours later Finn was here. We survived 12 days in the NICU, and Finn has been getting beat up by his brother for a year now. And I'm still breastfeeding. In 2 days I will have been breastfeeding for a year!!!  Woohoo!  And let me tell you, he shows no signs of stopping any time soon.

Finn is a happy, daredevil child. Laid back. We are so lucky. I love this child.  He is starting to stand independently, will be on whole milk starting tomorrow, and we are working on transitioning to sippy cups.  We're also working on him feeding himself more table foods. He seems to be having texture issues. I think. Or he's lazy, LOL. He's about 20lbs, don't know how tall. I will know that tomorrow at his 1 year well check. He doesn't sleep through the night, but neither does his big brother, so this is nothing new in our world. Mama has adjusted.

Happy Birthday, Finnegan!!!

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Child Care Dilemma (I Hate Money)

We have a sitter because she is way cheaper than preschool, even with my discount. And she can watch them until we get home, which many days is close to 7. Most daycares/preschools close at 6:30 and I WORK until 6:30. Also, most available child care facilities around here are preschools. Not daycares. I would kill for a good ol' daycare with late hours. They are cheaper. But we live in a wealthy area and the wealthy want schools and education for their little ones. Apparently. Sigh.

So the dilemma is that our sitter sometimes can't watch the boys and I have a hell of a time getting ahold of our back up sitter. This week they went to work with me 3 times. The problem with that is that right now we have low enrollment and it can be an option, but soon it won't be. I can't remotely afford to put Finn in, at least until he walks. The infant price is not discounted and is super expensive. P isn't potty trained, and socially is behind his counterparts. Well, more to do with daily structure, really, so he's in with the 2's. That's a little more than the 3's. I want to enroll P full time, but I have to see if our budget can handle it! And just have Finn with the sitter. I think she'd be cool with taking him with her to appointments if she needed to, as he's small and not so wild.

Basically, it comes down to money. I'm realizing that if I worked in another industry I couldn't afford child care AT ALL. If I get the one job I'm hoping to, I'd have to stick with the sitter. For both of them. But it'd be part time. Ugh. I hate money. I just want what's best for my kids. P needs the socialization. And I guess I'm okay with him being in the 2yo classroom. He needs the potty training (although he KNOWS how and when to go, he just refuses) but cognitively he's at Kindergarten level. He reads beyond what any of the other kids, even in Pre-K, do. He doesn't write his own name yet, but that's something I could probably teach him in a weekend. Anyway, point being, there's not as much of the educational stuff in the 2yo classroom. But he likes playing anyway. He carries around a certain puzzle all day, lol. I just don't want him to be bored. But I also feel like they get to be kids without schooling for only so long. Which is why a standard daycare with more playing would be my preference.

Did I say UGH yet? Ugh.

I don't even know what to do or how to make all this work. Adulting sucks sometimes.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

A Breastfeeding Encounter

Yesterday we took the kids to this indoor play park. Luckily I got the tickets ahead of time via Groupon because I'm not sure it would have been worth it otherwise, but they had fun, so all is well.

Anyway, I was in the under 2 area with Finn and these 2 girls, probably age 6 or 7, were in there. They were fascinated with Finn. I had to keep reminding them to be gentle as they were manhandling him a bit. Finn got fed up and crawled over to me. He started yanking on my shirt, which means he was ready to nurse, so I pulled down my shirt a bit and we went to town.

The girls had more than a little passing interest in this. So here's how the conversation went.

Girls: What does he want?
Me: He wants to nurse, drink breast milk.
G: What's that?
M: Mommy's make milk and babies drink it.
G: So he doesn't drink out of his own bottle?
M: He does when I'm not around.
G: Does that hurt? Does he have teeth?
M: No, it doesn't hurt, and yes he has teeth.
G: Can we taste the milk?
M: Ummm, no.
G: Can we feel the milk?
M: No, it's inside.
G: (not believing me, they both reach over and poke my boob) I felt it! I felt the milk!
M: Okay.

And then they left. I was dying. I'm sure their parents would be thrilled to know that they touched my boob. I missed a few of the things they said, but that was the gist of the conversation. So funny. And mildly awkward, especially the poking part.

So that's my latest and greatest nursing in public experience. It's the strangest by far.

Thursday, April 17, 2014


I'm sorry I've been such a downer about Phelan lately. I'm just frustrated and need to let it out. And hoping I'm not the only one who goes through such things with their child. Which it turns out is the case. Hearing about others' struggles makes me feel better. Not that I'm glad they are struggling or have struggled, it just means I'm not alone.

Parenting can be a lonely proposition. It's good to know I have support.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Tears Of Frustration

Raising Phelan is turning out to be the most difficult thing I've done in my life. Some days I don't know what to do. Yesterday he at NOTHING. He had some milk and pediasure and "juice" but that's it. He fought bedtime despite the melatonin and was crying that he was hungry, but wouldn't eat anything. I was in tears. I don't know how to fix things like that. He WILL NOT EAT. I think it's time to seek therapy for the eating issues. The pedi is not worried, but I sure as hell am.

He has nightmares and night terrors. Those are the worst thing ever. All you can do is hold them and hope it's over soon. I dread bedtime. The worst of them tend to occur within an hour of him going to sleep and then we have to start the whole process alllll over. It's heartbreaking.

And I really fear he's going to be 4 before he agrees to potty train. Everyone tells me he won't go to Kindergarten in diapers, but I'm not so sure about that. He simply refuses.

This child is going to be the death of me. I love him to pieces, but he wins, hands down. I'm along for the ride. I can't even imagine what the teenage years will be like. OMG.

Thursday, April 3, 2014


I spoke with the teacher who had P in the afternoon that day. She said he was NOT doing anything with the chairs. That he was sitting on the reading couch with his lovey just asking for Mommy. So I'm feeling better. Also, a friend told me about this necklace so I think I will order it and give it a go. It can't hurt. I don't want to stifle him at all, but I need some of the wild to go away.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014


Friday my sitter, Abuela, was sick and I couldn't get ahold of my old sitter as a back up. I called work and my boss needed me badly, so she told me to bring the boys in with me. Finn I wasn't worried about. He's my easy child. I knew he'd be fine and chill and not be a problem. Phelan...I was really worried about that.

He started off the day okay, and in fact, as far as I know, he did really well all morning. And then it came time for naps. He was "washing his hands" ie playing in the water. He was told he needed to stop and that it was nap time. He proceeded to run screaming around the room "I'm not taking a nap. I want a movie. NO!!!" You get the idea. So they came to find me to find out how to handle him. We fixed that problem. I thought that was it.

Yesterday my boss was telling me that he kinda lost it at the end of the day, too. A parent came to her and said there was a kid in the room she didn't recognize throwing chairs. Boss lady checked, and he wasn't throwing chairs, but it's very possible that he was relocating them. He got very agitated again, and they decided to just bring him to me as I was down to only 2 other kids at the time.

When I dropped him off, I apologized in advance, knowing he'd be difficult. But I'm still so embarrassed. You guys, I try everything with him. It just doesn't work. He is such a handful. People at work are impressed with how I handle the difficult children. It's because I have Phelan. I've seen it all. But I don't know what to do. I can only hope that he will eventually settle down some, but I see ADHD meds in our future.

He can be the sweetest kid on the face of the earth. But when he's done or determined, god help you if you try to deter him. People asked if he would be attending the school. I said that A I can't afford it and B I don't want the teachers to hate me because of my kid.

I love him to the moon and back. But it's so frustrating to feel like a terrible parent because your child is wild and nothing works. He's too young for meds and too young to be diagnosed. So at this point, I just have a strong-willed stubborn wild child. Who runs my house. I feel like the worst parent ever.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

A Few Pics

I haven't posted pics of the boys in FOREVER, so here are some from the last week!

Mama and Phelan selfie. He thinks selfies are good fun.
See? Selfies are fun!

Mama, I want the phone! Screw the selfie!

Haha! I found Phelan's birthday cake! So much for waiting until a year old!

What is this face paint shit?

Breastfeeding still going strong. A lot of gymnurstics these days.

Monday, March 24, 2014

My Baby is 3

Phelan turned 3 on Thursday with very little fanfare.  He even turned down the french fries and chocolate shake I bought him. Stinker. But then, he's been stubborn since conception. And as time goes on that just gets stronger and stronger. He is very much his own person, and his will is unbendable. He may be the death of my sanity. And my furniture and carpets.

We celebrated Saturday by taking him to the Trampoline park, which was an epic fail. He freaked the moment it was time to jump. And Sunday had our friends over for some cake and singing. Low key. I'm just not the mom to put on a huge party he will barely remember and is still struggling with the concept of. I told him it was his birthday, and he said "Happy Birthday" to me. And to anyone who would listen. So, there's that. He knows that birthdays are happy though.

He still isn't potty trained but we are making strides. I need more alcohol. And a steam spot cleaner for my now pee soaked furniture and floors. He KNOWS how to go. He KNOWS when he needs to go. He just can't be bothered. It takes away from what he's doing. I'm not sure how to overcome that. He does like wearing underwear, though. Bonus points?

He has a renewed interest in all things Signing Time, so I'm hoping to get more videos. I want Finn exposed as well. He gets so into them. I love it. And I'm learning more as well.

I can't call him a toddler anymore. He's 3. He's a preschooler. He's a little boy. Who's learning and growing and becoming more and more his own person every day. He's growing up. He wants a BIKE. I'm not ready for that! Potty, then bike. There should be some sort of order to these things.

3 years has gone by so quickly, and yet seems like a lifetime. His lifetime. I barely remember life without him.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

I'm A Believer

Finn has been wicked fussy this week. Thursday night it was particularly bad. Really rough night. Friday morning I stuck my finger in his mouth on a hunch. Sure enough, teeth. As in multiple. Both bottom teeth coming through together. And I feel bumps on his upper gums, so I think the top 2 are close behind. Go big or go home, right?

Anyway, I gave him Tylenol, put orajel on, gave him teething rings, a cold washcloth. NOTHING. WORKED. I then remembered his amber necklace was off (he pulls it off) so I put it back on. Within a couple hours, happy baby.

I haven't had to give meds again or anything.

I am a total believer now. Completely.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Conversations with Phelan

P: Mommy, where's my Water Wo?
M: Your what?
P: My Water Wo.
M: What's a Water Wo?
P: What's a Water Wo?
P: Oh, no! My Water Wo!
M: Can you show me?
P: Can me show you?
M: Can you?
P: Can you?
M: Show me.
P: Let's find my Water Wo! Let's go!
M: Okay, let's look.

Looking commences

M: Do you see it?
P: Yes!
M: Where?
P: Where?

I finally figured out what he was talking about, by the way. Thank goodness. That conversation was making me batty.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Ass, Bitten

My mother used to share this story about a day when I was a baby and I wouldn't stop crying. She fed me, she changed me, she rocked me. She tried EVERYTHING and I just couldn't be appeased. She laid me on the bed for a moment, and as I lay there crying she said, "What do you WANT?"

Flash forward 36 years. My son is having a meltdown of sorts. He is very upset. I'm trying to appease him. Out of his mouth comes, "What do you WANT?" Along with "Go to your room NOW."

I have become my mother, and my son likes to point it out to me. Obviously.

My mother is laughing somewhere, because like all moms she just knows things. So she must know that I'm now raising a child just like myself. And this is retribution. I know she's laughing. I know it.

My own words have come back to bite me in the ass. I'm raising another version of myself. My mother is definitely laughing.

Thursday, February 6, 2014


Hopping on to alleviate fears. I am MUCH better. I don't know what caused those several days of hell, but I feel like me again. Just the usual levels of anxiety and exhaustion, which I'm used to. Thank goodness. That was scary.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Bad Times

I have hit a low point.  As low as just before I found out I was pregnant with Finn.  I haven't been this bad in that long.  And it hit like a ton of bricks.  I don't know how to get past it except breathe and take each moment as it comes.  The panic is overwhelming.  The sadness breathtaking.  It's like all of a sudden the meds just STOPPED WORKING.

I know one trigger is that the new job has been delayed in starting and therefore I'm not getting the income I planned on so now money is on the table again.  Money does it every time.  But this time is really bad.  Scary bad.

I just had to go to the bathroom at work and cry.  Oy. That's been a while. How long do I put up with it until I call the psychiatrist?

Thursday, January 30, 2014


So, I started a workout and diet regimen.  I think I might be dying.

Okay, maybe I'm not dying, but O. M. G.

I gave up carbs.  I WANT BREAD so badly.  Like I dream about quesadillas and Subway.  And I gave up sugar (except for my coffee creamer).  I want ICE CREAM.  I'm not kidding.  I'm feeling like all I want are things that are bad for me.  Isn't that supposed to go away?  Aren't you supposed to happily crave all things good after a little bit?  Yeah, not happening here.  I want all the fatty, carby things.

I started the Bikini Body Mommy 90 day challenge.  I joined on day 15, so it's really the 75 day challenge for me.  You know that awesome sore from working out that makes you feel so good?  Good hurt?  I don't have that.  I am hobbling.  As of today I have shin splints.  I am MISERABLE.

I hate my body.  I do.  I HATE it.  I can't stand looking in the mirror.  I don't want to be naked (and I hate clothes).  I don't want anyone looking at me.  I'm embarassed by the extra baby/medication weight I am carrying around.  But I'm so so sore and hungry.  This shit is hard.

I wish I could have a gym membership, have time to go, and could go when they can watch the kids so I can work out at a pace and style that better suits me.

I haven't done a weigh-in yet.  That happens every 2 weeks.  So I'm hoping to see some improvement when that day happens, because honestly, if I don't see SOME sort of change, I'm going to be very disheartened and inclined to quit the pain.

I know, lifestyle changes are hard.  But I'm not really up for hurting myself in the quest for weight loss.  There has got to be a less painful way....

Monday, January 27, 2014

Diagnosis: Strong-Willed

So, we saw the pediatrician today.  The news is good.  For him, LOL.

His behaviors are consistent with a strong-willed and super smart kid.  No autistic issues.  He even recommended books about strong-willed children.  So he's fine, we're just in trouble with this one.

He said the keys are consistency and positive reinforcement and that pushing things with him will only make things worse.  Offer "choices" to guide him, making it seem as though HE got to make the decision.  He assured me he will eventually learn to obey and will probably always push limits but that it will get easier.

Basically, he's a handful, he will continue to be a handful, but there's nothing "wrong" with him.

I guess I'm reassured.  Just tired.  And off to read books about strong-willed children.  Oy.

Thursday, January 23, 2014


After talking to my mom (yes, I still ask my mom for advice) who spent 10 years working with an Autism program in the schools, I've decided to call the pedi and take P in.  I'm going to ask for an evaluation.  It could just be that he is strong willed, big personality.  It could just be that he's super smart and gets absorbed in the things he is doing. (Don't even try talking to me when I'm reading. I won't hear you.  It's like that.)  But I've worked myself up into a tizzy worrying now.  Actually allowing myself to worry.  I even took books out of the library on some topics.

Just for the sake of record keeping, the things that are bothering me (and that bothered my mom) are

  • obsessive behaviors
  • difficult to engage at times (gets so absorbed with things that he will not respond to you)
  • no change in how he deals with his brother - basically ignores him, including his safety, most of the time
  • discipline, talking do not help with hitting and throwing. no change in that behavior.
Again, this could all be completely normal.  Normal is a broad range.  But I'm going to feel better if I have him evaluated and find out. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014


I've never considered P's behaviors as indicative of the Autism Spectrum Disorder.  Autism? Not my kid.  He is sociable, fun loving, not at all withdrawn.  But several of my friends whose children are on the spectrum replied to that last post saying perhaps we should have him evaluated based on their experiences with their children.

His well visit is in March, 2 months from now.  So I'm thinking I will bring it up then.  Early Intervention is a bit touchy right now because he is so close to the cutoff, so I'm wondering if it is worth having them come out at this point, or if we could even get in with them.  (Horrid run on sentence, sorry). I think I want some input from the pediatrician first.

It seems odd to take toddler behaviors and diagnose him.  I've obviously never had a toddler before, so just assumed all this stuff is normal toddler stuff.  Especially since he isn't socially awkward, speaks, makes eye contact, and such. Kid comes up to me at least once a day with hugs and "I wuv you Mommy." I don't want to jump and have a diagnosis at such an early age if he is just being a stereotypical toddler.  He is mostly good with other kids. I say mostly because sharing is so not his thing and he is physical about getting his way.
Is it worth seeing the pedi now?  Or wait a couple months?  Thoughts?

God, I really don't want to think about this.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Not In Charge

I'll admit it. I'm not in charge of my child.  I'm not sure where I went wrong, but P is definitely in charge.  It seems his will is stronger than mine.  He can reduce me to tears.  The stubbornness is epic.

Yesterday he went until 5 pm on 1 PediaSure and flavored water.  Because he only wanted chocolate milk and I won't let him live on that. Then he acquiesced and ate some crackers and a banana.  He eats only a few things.  He WILL NOT try new foods.  How he continues to grow is beyond me.  I can't force him.  I despair of him ever eating like a normal person.  It just seems to get worse the older he gets.  Typical conversation: "Want chocolate milk."  "You can have crackers or a banana or 'juice'..." "Want chocolate milk."  "No, I told you what you can have."  "WANT CHOCOLATE MILK."  "No."  "Want juice."

He refuses baths a lot.  This is a kid who normally loves baths and swimming and water.  But god forbid he be clean.  Sometimes I just can't deal with the battle, so he just gets dirty.  Last night I sucked it up, dealt with the screaming, writhing mess of my near-preschooler, and got him in the bath.  It was horrid.  Most times I just don't have the energy.  He wins.  I surrender.  At least in the summer he was in the pool everyday so I could pretend he was clean.

Sleep.  He wakes up every night.  Many nights he crawls on the couch with Hubby (who sleeps there because it makes his back hurt less), but often he decides it's party time at some godawful hour.  And throws a tantrum if you don't give in to his want for the phone or the tablet or whatever.  Last night he was pulling toys out and generally making a racket and a mess.  At like 1 am.  Hubby usually deals with him, but those nights we are all affected.  I swear he has insomnia.

The TV.  It's his.  The battle is not worth it to me most of the time.  He screams, shrieks.  He is horrid.  And god forbid we don't give in to a whim.  Hitting.  He hits.  Time outs?  Won't stay in them.  "Stop that or you get a time out.  Do you want time out?"  "Okay."  You can see how effective this is.

I'm not sure where I lost the disciplinarian battle.  I try.  I really do.  Maybe it's just toddler/preschooler hell.  Perhaps in the next year we will see some improvement.  I can hope, right?  It's normal for them to be evil and horrid at this age, right?  I've heard the terms Terrible Twos, Terrorist Threes, Threenager.  I get them.  I do.

I should note that he is also incredibly loving and has a great laugh and is such a joy a lot of the time.  But I feel like he is definitely in charge and as though I have failed as a parent because my toddler is in charge.  Oy.  Parenthood is not easy.  Rewarding, but hard as hell.

Saturday, January 18, 2014



It's been well over a year since I've had sex.  Like when Finn was conceived long time.  I can't do it.  The only reason Finn was conceived is that I was self-medicating.  When I got pregnant and spent time in the hospital all that stopped.  And apparently so did my ability to have sex.

Which all stems from the rape.

I was talking to a friend recently and she said it sounds like PTSD.  I had never considered that.  I know I need therapy, I just DON'T WANT TO DO IT.  Because I don't want to think about it any more than I already do.

But the current situation isn't healthy and is extremely unfair to Hubby.

Why can't I just stay in denial and avoidance?

Friday, January 17, 2014


I start a new job soon.  When is up in the air, but soon.  At a preschool, though I will specifically be a floater half the day and with the after school kids the 2nd half of the day.  I'm hoping I get to move to the younger kids eventually, or can one day get into an elementary program.  Anywho, I'm nervous.

I'm nervous because the start date has gotten pushed back due to new construction and the director is not great at communicating and my paranoid self keeps thinking they've decided not to hire me after all.

I'm nervous that I'll fuck it up.  I never used to be like this, but ever since being fired nearly 2 years ago my self-confidence is SHOT.  I don't trust myself.

I'm also sad about leaving the kids I work with now.  It's hard to build that bond and then leave suddenly.

I'm nervous about how working full time again is going to affect my relationship with my children.  I will be spending more time with other people's kids than my own, and Abuela will see them more than I do.  It's shitty.  I hate it.

I really hope it starts soon, though, so that anxious waiting is over. The waiting is the hardest part.  It makes me nuts.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Allergy Scare

Phelan is a hardy child.  Rarely sick.  Never more than a cold except for one ear infection he got from swimming and one stomach bug.  In nearly 3 years I haven't had to worry about him.

The other night we got home from a trip to Ft. Worth and I put him to bed.  Shortly thereafter he came out whining and clearly uncomfortable and his face was COVERED in hives.  Arms, too.  And a spot on his torso.  I panicked.  Maybe because there is never anything to worry about with him that this freaked me out.  So we went to the ER where I learned that most hives are idiopathic and we may never know.  Dosed with benadryl and sent home but told to go to doc if happened again.

Yesterday morning Hubby was changing his diaper and what do you know,  more hives.  In fact, Hubby said that's what the diaper rash looked like the other day.  Except it's hives, not a diaper rash, so now we knew there had been at least one other incident.

Off to the doctor we went.  Where they have decided that given his history of not having problems that something definitely is triggering them.  The likely culprit is the antibiotic he was on for the dog bite last week.  They finished Saturday but are still in his system.  He is now on prednisone for 5 days while the meds leave his system, and benadryl as needed.

He doesn't have breathing issues or anything with the hives, but it still scared me SOOOOO BADLY.  I never want to go through that again!

Monday, January 13, 2014

On Hold

We gave up potty training again for the time being.  I made it longer this time than last.  There are 2 camps of thought re: potty training.

Ready or Not Ready.

No Such Thing As Ready or Not Ready.

The question is, which do I believe in?  Because if I believe in the first, he's not ready.  If I believe in the second, he's totally capable and just being stubborn which happens.

So I'm doing some reading, will make a decision, and when PT starts again we are staying quiet so I don't get the conflicting advice which ends up making me doubt my own decisions.

Why do I think he's capable?  He can read.  If he can teach himself to read he can understand that poop and pee go in a potty.  He would wait until we weren't looking to go - meaning he knows he's doing it.  This sort of thought process puts me in the "No such thing" category.  I believe he can learn and that he doesn't have to be "ready".

HOWEVER, he is ridiculously willful, and so perhaps he does personally have to be "ready".  That's where I waver.  He never did trial and error with any skills.  He waited until he knew he could do them, and then just did them.  Like with crawling and walking and rolling.  All of it.  And he recently gave up his version of a paci (a nasty old sippy cup) on his own.  So perhaps there is no fighting this kid.  Perhaps he WILL have a "ready" time.

Anyway, it's on hold again.  We're not over the average age for boys, so no worrying yet. I just REALLY want to be down to 1 in diapers.  I feel like he should be doing more things for himself than he is and that is my fault.  But what do I know?  I'm making up this whole parenting thing as I go along.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Potty Training Day 4

Today is day 4.  I need alcohol.  A lot of it.

I know he knows where to go.  And I know he knows when he has to go.  Yet my floor is becoming wetter and wetter.  Right now I would kill for hardwood floors so clean up would be easy and the smell wouldn't linger.

A few have said maybe he's not ready.  But I remain convinced that if he can read, he can potty.

It's a battle of wills.  I only made it 2 days last time.  I'm not backing down this time.  I'm not.  The force in this one is strong though, and I want to cave, give back in to diapers, just deal with it.  I won't.  We can do this.  I know we can.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Pet Free Living

Yesterday our dog, who has been anti-Phelan for a while now, went too far and a snap became a bite.  We swore he wouldn't stay if he bit one of the kids.  The good thing is the bite wasn't too bad.  More of a scratch and bruising, so P basically looks like he got punched in the mouth.

Yesterday sucked.  It turns out the hospital has to report bites, so we had to find a shelter that could quarantine him, pay for that, and we signed paperwork to surrender him to the shelter after quarantine.  I pray they find him a good home and that he doesn't have to be euthanized.

A number of months ago we had to give up our remaining cat because of finances, and before that one ran away, and another refused to come to TX so my parents adopted him.  We've gone from a 4 pet home to a 0 pet home in under a year.  It feels weird.  I have always had pets of some sort.

I'm sad.  I want my kids to know animals.  But financially, getting another pet right now just isn't going to work.  So now we are a pet-free home.  I have to admit, no dog walks, no picking up poop, no's kinda nice.  But I feel terrible about how everything went down :-(

Potty Training May Kill Me

We bit the bullet.  Again.  But not giving up this time.  Potty training is on like Donkey Kong.

P is a heavy wetter.  Like 10 diapers a day filled to the brim heavy wetter.  He peed all of 3 times on day 1. That's it.  Needless to say he leaked through his overnight diaper.  Stubborn as a mule.  I mentioned that, right?

We have undies for him, but I think that's too confusing for him to start because he will pee right through them, so we're starting naked.  Every 30 minutes on the potty.

My questions are: when do you train them to stand up and pee?  And how do you get them to go poop?!?!  He is holding it.  I'm dreading that blowout.  My sitter is a saint for helping with this.

I know that a child who uses a toilet will be amazing once we get there, but I really despise this process.

But I figure that if he taught himself to read before the age of 3 he can bloody well use a potty.  Right?

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Night And Day

Phelan is a fighter and a lover.  Always has been.  Very demonstrative about EVERYTHING.  Very vocal.  Oodles of energy.  Doesn't cry if he falls or bumps for the most part. Stubborn as a mule. Hated nursing.  It wasn't fast enough for him.  If I didn't know better I'd swear he is a fire sign.  He was supposed to be, so maybe that's it.  Definitely a go big or go home kinda guy.l

Finn is quiet, no babbling, more of an observer.  Cries easily.  But very chill otherwise.  Isn't fighting development like it's the devil.  Does things by learning.  (Phelan wouldn't do anything until he knew he could.)  Didn't get frustrated breastfeeding.  Will probably nurse till he is in college.  Mellowing out until things happen.  Not a fighter.  More laid back.  Easier.

In those ways they are night and day. Soooo different.

But both are mama's boys.  Can't sleep on their own.  These things are similar.  But to me they are night and day.  Shockingly so.

Anyone else's kids radically different from each other?

Monday, January 6, 2014

You Know You're A Parent When... sacrifice the larger bedroom to your children to save your living room from being a clusterfuck all the time.  And because all you do is sleep* in your room anyway.

...broken bananas make you want to cry because they make your child cry. go to bed when the kids do if you actually want to get sleep*.

...your bathtub is filled with toys that you try not to break your neck on every time you shower**.

...your house is a disaster area ALWAYS and you've given up on it ever looking nice.

...your fridge has marker on it.  So do your walls, dressers, windowsills, and mini blinds.

...goldfish are a food group.  The crackers.  Not real goldfish. consider a shower** your most peaceful and sacred time of day.

...Dr. Seuss is all you're reading these days.  Unless you can squeeze in 5 minutes of alone time.  During which time you probably wish you were getting sleep*.'ve considered covering your floors with tarps.

Just a few tidbits.

*Sleep is a myth.  One night Finn slept 6 hours straight.  I got 5.5.  I woke up at 2 am refreshed and ready to go.  It was amazing.  It may never happen again.  I can't remember the last time I had regular sleep.

**Showers are also a myth.  Hubby gets them every day. I aim for every 3.  I love showers.  I miss them.

DISCLAIMER:  I wouldn't trade any of this for the world.  But I might for just one night of solid sleep and a longer than 3 minute shower.  So I just want 8 hours and 15 minutes. Then I'm good to go for a long time again.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Love You Forever

A couple weeks ago at Hubby's company Christmas party I was getting antsy to leave.  Things were winding down, but people were still happily talking and hanging out.  I said, "I want to go home and see the kids." Someone, not yet a parent, said, "Aren't they asleep, though?"  I said that yes, they were, but I wanted to watch them breathe.  He was baffled.  His fiance laughed, and I just told him that one day he would get it.

P is nearly 3 years old and I still like to creep in his room and watch him sleep, watch his chest rise and fall, touch his sweet face, kiss it.  While he is asleep I still see my little baby.  He is growing so fast, learning so much, but asleep he is my sweet not threenager baby.

Finn is still my tiny.  Sometimes I have a difficult time falling asleep because I just want to watch him sleep.  8 months in and the miracle that he is mine is still alive and well.  I listen to his breathing to lull me to sleep.  I try to take it all in.

It goes so fast that I don't want to miss a moment.  Even when I can't wait for a few moments to myself, I end up spending them watching my kids sleep.  I can't be the only mom who does this.

One of my favorite books as a child was Love You Forever, which I still need to purchase for myself.  It always made me weepy. I was sentimental even then.  But now, now that I have my own little ones, I UNDERSTAND it.  The urge to hold my babies even while they sleep, to rock them.  Because they will always be my babies.  Until the day I die.