Friday, December 31, 2010

Wistful and Weepy

This has been the best week, emotionally, for me, in so long I can't even remember.  Months.  Many months.  Figures it is the last of the year ;-P

At the same time, oddly, yesterday became quite emotional. 

First, I have a friend IRL going through IF.  She comes to me with questions, concerns, needing recommendations, etc.  This week, she thought she might finally be pregnant (3rd cycle of Clomid this time around) - AF was 6 days late, but HPT was BFN.  (Okay, if you aren't IF, that ENTIRE sentence was absolute gibberish, LOL).  She asked me about a possible false negative...very rare that late.  I mentioned a concern of cysts.  So, she went in, got b/w and the official BFN, and is going in for an u/s next week, and has been referred to an RE (not mine!  I told her if she doesn't like him to go to mine.)  She is devastated.  She asked me how I did it for over 2 years.  I pointed out that realistically, I actually went through less of the testing and whatnot than she already has, but she just meant the months upon months of hope being dashed by yet another single line on an HPT.  I wanted to cry for her.  I know how hard it is.  My heart ached for her, so if you all could just send some mental hugs her way, I'd appreciate it.

Second: Hubby and I have been watching oodles of Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe.  Yay Netflix.  Anyway, last night we watched a favorite episode: the one where they go to APES in South Africa to a Vervent Monkey refuge.  As many of you know, I spent 6 months a long time ago, another life ago, in Namibia, just to the north and west of South Africa.  They show a lot of the scenery there in this episode, plus the accent, going to see the local tribal heart began to ache.  I didn't show Hubby...though I made comments about things - yes, those Acacia thorns really are that big, and yes, they hurt like hell.   And so on.  I am always amazed at how, much like a scent, just one little thing can tug at my heart like that, make me wonder about choices I've made, where I am today....

I think a large part of my heart will always be in Africa, and I don't know that I will ever have true closure on that front.  It calls to me....

Third:  Last night was one of those nights where sleep didn't happen very easily.  I tossed, I turned, I momentarily thought of smothering Hubby so he would stop snoring, and kicked the dog off the bed more than once.  When at last I did sleep, I had one of my IF nightmares.  I won't get into details.  You've been there.  I haven't had one since being pregnant...plenty of pregnancy nightmares, though!  This had to do with after Cricket, when we may want a 2nd know how they go.  I was sobbing in my dream, and woke up sobbing.  Couldn't believe I didn't wake up Hubby.  I just laid there and cried.  I am mildly weepy right now.  Still feeling fantastic overall, just...sometimes reality comes in and deals a big blow. 

I have been very big on not focusing on the AFTER.  I have been, instead, focusing on the NOW.  What I DO have, the miracle of it all.  So to have this dream was kind of surprising to me...I don't know where it came from.  My subconscious is evil, I swear.  (Note, on TV right now there is some crazy 80's flashback video about crazy nightmare dreams, and they are visualized....NOT HELPING!!!)  It was a very big reminder that IF will always be with me, in some capacity. 

This is so not the type of end-of-year post most would post.  It's just that it was all starting to pile up in this head of mine.  I had to get it out. 

Tomorrow starts a new year, and as Hubby is working and I am not, I am digging into some major house cleaning/organizing.  Time to start off the new year right, with some actual productivity.  I wish you all the best in the coming year, and I adore all of you.  I can't imagine what I would have done without you. 

One last thing...tomorrow opens this year's Creme de la Creme.  The link will be up as of tomorrow over at Mel's page (Stirrup Queens!!!), so get your reading glasses on, and prepare to read the best of the best!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Thank You, Kimya Dawson

Kimya Dawson has a song called "Tree Hugger".  It is the indie musical equivalent of "The grass is greener on the other side."  It's off the Juno soundtrack, and well, I adore that movie, the soundtrack, all of it.  With a passion.  I have often been compared to Juno, albeit quite a bit older.  Anywho, back to the song.

I was driving the other day, hooked up to Ichabod the iPod, and on came "Tree Hugger".  And it hit me like a TON OF BRICKS.  A metric shit-ton of bricks.

And so, I realized that no, I am not going to have the perfect glowy pregnancy.  And perhaps I wish I would.  But in the end, would I trade it?  Would I want it any other way?

The answer, my dears, is a resounding NO!  Because this is MY story.  And I don't want someone else's story.  This will be Cricket's legacy, the stories she will carry through to her adult life to if/when she decides to have children of her own.  And how am I going to torture my child without horrendous pregnancy stories?  LOL.  It's a mother's right, or so I believe.

This is my story, my legacy, my life.  And honestly, I am going to miss being pregnant.  Sick or not, I will miss this time with Cricket that is just mine, and mine alone.  Falling asleep cradling my belly, lulled to sleep by her movements, knowing all is well in her world right now, the only time I will know it for sure.  Getting to experience this, even if it is only once, is a dream come true, and it's magical, and perfect, no matter how it happens. 

So, thank you, Kimya Dawson, for making me remember how lucky I am :)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Cricket's Loot

So, here is a pictorial of Cricket's Loot for the year :) 

Grandma Sue sent 2 blankets, this one and the one below.  This one is insects.

And this one is Safari Monkeys.  (My hubby's nickname is Monkey)

This is from Aunt Bree - Monkeys and bananas.

Cricket's first books!

Yeah, it's sideways, sorry.  Clothes from Aunt Sister

Crib!  From Nana and Great Grandpa!

From Grandma Jan

From Aunt Littlest
We got 2, one from Aunt Littlest and one from Nana - one is the travel version (pictured) and one is the full-size crib version.

This photo is terrible....and it wasn't for Cricket, it was for me, but I had to share.  This is the gift that brought me to tears this year.  It is a carving, a collection called "Willow Tree."  And it makes me weep. 

There were also thermal curtains for the nursery (coldest/hottest room in the house), and some wall decals.  Also, from Grandma Sue, is a Flip camcorder!  It looks like an iPod, but for videos.  And plugs right into the computer to upload.  Farking AWESOME!!!  You have been forewarned....videos of Cricket will most likely be RAMPANT. 

The blankets will be a bit warm to use right off, but will be fantastic for floor play, and they are beautiful :)   I had to share, so thanks for indulging me!

Tons more in my world and brain, so it may be a busy posting week! 

Monday, December 27, 2010

What A Weekend!

Hi everyone!  I hope you all had the best holidays possible under your particular circumstances :)

There will be a post coming with actual pictures of the adorable and awesome gifts Cricket received, but I thought I would just recap my insane weekend of family, etc. 

Thursday night our car finally tanked.  So I spent my last hour and a half of work texting like mad to find us a vehicle for the weekend.  We had discussed buying my sister's car when our settlement comes in (more on this later) but it hadn't arrived yet, so we were just hoping our car hung on as long as possible.  Car did not cooperate, LOL.  So, happily, we borrowed my grandmother's BEAST of a vehicle until Christmas, when we took over my sister's car.  The next couple of weeks will be spent insuring, registering, inspecting, etc THAT car, which will become "my" car. 

Christmas day with my mother's side of the family was good, and amazingly, drama-free.  Hubby and I felt a bit...odd man out, as usual, but not too badly.  There was much discussion of how I'm carrying, who I look like when carrying, how small I am for nearly 6 months, etc etc.  I had forgotten that a lot of the extended family didn't know what we went through and so felt the need to verify we are excited, LOL.  Umm, yeah.  Just a little :)  So, the determination is that I am carrying just like my mom, and that I am tiny for nearly 6 months (despite feeling enormous most days).  I don't know.  I'm right around the other women I know who are in the same timeframe as me.  I think.  We all look different, LOL.  gfvb2.1e7r4d  Ummm, thats what Oreo that cat has to say about that!  Anyway, good day, good food, and we left with a functional car, woohoo!

We normally celebrate Christmas with my dad on Christmas Eve (German tradition) but had to rearrange because of my work schedule.  So we did that Sunday, during the "blizzard."  I have been through storms that dumped well over 1.5 feet, so this was nothing for me, but we also didn't get much, and at my house, barely an inch!  Anywho, this was the day I was dreading.  There is NEVER an easy holiday with my dad.  It blows going into a day with dread.  Most of the day was okay.  It was the storm that caused the problems.  He was so freaked by the storm he actually forbade my sister and I to drive.  He didn't so much like it when I pointed out we are adults and he doesn't get to do that anymore.  Sometimes his concern is...ill-addressed.  So, as opposed to saying, "I'm concerned about you driving in this weather, can I drive you" he said, "You are NOT driving in this.  I am taking you home."  See the difference?  Anyway, my sister and I just kept cleaning off the car while this lovely fight went on in the storm and left.  He's yelled at her once since, and I'm avoiding him.  Merry freakin' Christmas.  Sigh.  He's had an amazingly difficult time with us growing up.  And he's lonely.  It is a very difficult situation, and we all just try and breathe in and out and get past the blow-ups.  Anyway, suffice it to say, it really wasn't THAT bad out, and we had no problem, as the further north we went, the less snow there was.  I was so happy to see my Hubby last night when we arrived home because I needed my normal. 

So, with the exception of crazy Dad fight, the weekend was good, we solved the car problem, and we will soon be able to get a second car!  GASP!  2 cars???  Wow.  LOL.  I am spending today chilling out after we handle insurance stuff, and at some point finding my kitchen under the mess, LOL. 

Pictures to follow tomorrow :)  Thank you for all the Christmas wishes!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

23w0d and Christmas!

Merry Christmas or whatever you celebrate or don't!  Can't believe I am 23 weeks already!  Can't believe I get to document gifts for the baby...and yes, you will get pics!  I am in some kind of reality-induced haze.  Like, the reality is sinking in, but still in a haze of YIPPEEE!  Does that make ANY sense?  Who knows.  Here's the stats.  Enjoy your holidays!


How far along: 23 weeks 0 days. Cricket is the size of a papaya! Watch what you say -- baby is now able to hear outside noise from down in the womb. Studies show that baby finds gentle music and your own voice most soothing. Nipples are starting to sprout, and that little face is fully formed. And, baby's starting to settle into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop.10.5-11.8 inches; 12.7-20.8 oz. (*This will apparently remain the same info for a few weeks now as she gains weight and actual development slows down).

I totally wore this to work Christmas Eve, with
Christmas socks and slippers.  LOL. The Cafeteria
lady couldn't look at me with a straight face.

Total Weight Gain: staying right around the 30lb gain mark, so hopefully that hospital weight is balancing out a bit.

Maternity clothes: Of course!  What's fun is figuring out what pre-pregnancy shirts I can still wear...long tank tops work to assist with that, and bella bands to cover the gap.  I still don't like baggy tops cuz I want to "dress my bump."
Stretch marks: Hip and thigh ones are flaring up from puberty.

Sleep: Better this week, except on nights where I had bad reactions to the pain meds. Otherwise, not bad.  So it varies from day to day.  Still don't feel like I ever got that 2nd trimester "burst of energy."

Movement: If I'm settled down, she's kickin' like crazy.  This cervix kicking oh man!   And still hiding well below my belly button most of the time...don't know why, but I suppose it's better than my ribs being kicked :)  AND last night it occurred to me to look at the belly while she was kicking, and lo and behold!  We saw my belly jump!  Hubby was so creeped out.  I was just giggling :)

Cravings/Aversions: All over the place, though red meat is still totally off the table!

Sex: The OB kindly put a note on there this week when I was in to warn others we don't want to know the sex.  A bright orange post-it note right over the information from the u/s tech, LOL.  So that no one slips up and says something.  Hubby said, "GRRRR".  LOL.
Symptoms: Mmmm, nothing bad this week.  Swelling has gone away, for the most part, though my rings spend more time off than on.  Morning sickness has made a bit of a return, but I think it has to do with the pain meds, so I am discontinuing the Fentanyl (which was WICKED expensive :( ) to see if that does it.  Which means, yes, I am still on Pancho because of it.  Oh! And LEUKORRHEA. Man, I panicked and thought I lost my mucous plug! But no...just the craziest discharge ever! (Sorry for the TMI).

What I miss: Ease of movement. That's about it.

What I look forward to: Viability! Being free of Pancho. 

Moods: Feeling better this week. Still a bit frustrated with my body, but overall, pretty good!

Milestones: Ummmmm.....we put the crib together!  Cricket got her first Christmas presents!
Medical Concerns: Hypothyroid, anxiety, migraines, severe back pain. Ready for the list? Syn.throid 50 mcg, 100 mg, Zo.fran pump, Iron, D3, D2, B12, Vitamin C, Folic acid, no more prenatals, Bene.fiber, stool softeners. Flexeril a bit longer, Lidocaine patches, Tylenol 3 for the migraines.

Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy EVERY moment of this crazy ride :)

Best moment this week:  Putting the crib together with Hubby.  Falling asleep at night with DH's hand on my belly, puppy at the feet, Cricket kicking away :)

Worst moment this week: Severe vomiting again.  Booooo! It made me cry, but meh.  Whatever. This too, shall pass.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

What a Year (and a quarter)

So, the end of year, with all it's holidays and lovey-dovey gooey stuff is here in force.  And I can't help, as anniversaries are discussed, and one of mine recently passed, thinking about all that we have been through in the last year and a bit...and what lies ahead! 

I honestly hadn't really started considering it much, just letting the goodness flow, until I was talking to Lauren Sunday.  She asked about how we got to this point, so I told her the story.  And realized that last Friday was the 1 year anniversary of DH's XXY, aka Klinefelter diagnosis.  We already knew he had NOA, but this was a definitive WHY.  A week before Christmas.  Woohoo.  Insert the beginning of my downward spiral.  Hard to believe, but I lost 10 lbs in the next month.  10 lbs!  Yeah, now I'm the porker :) 

Anyway, we did find a silver lining...his diagnosis explained a lot of issues he had had since childhood.  So while it BLEW CHUNKS, and he was pretty upset he didn't know a long time ago, it also explained so much.  We grieved, we joked...all kinds of things...and after saying we were done, moved onto DS.

A year later I sit here 22 weeks pregnant feeling happily enormous, terrified of what's to come, wondering on occasion, "OMG what were we thinking???"  LOL.  Spent a lot of time wanting to be pregnant, wanting to have a child.  Getting a little scared now of the reality of that happening as furniture, clothing, car seats, etc etc begin to roll in.  Have you seen Juno?  She says, "I've heard that pregnancy often leads to an infant."  Yup, "this is reality Greg!"  LOL.  It's all good. 

You've heard most of my story, no need to rehash.  But beyond the IF stuff, there certainly have been other ups and downs, and just a hell of a year overall.  I am looking forward to the ENORMOUS changes that 2011 will bring...our trip down Parenthood Lane, and a continued love affair with all things BLOG. 

So, in case I don't remember to do it later this week or next week, I wish you ALL a Happy Holiday Season and great things to come in the new year.  Love and hugs and mushiness.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I Can't Keep Up!

Holy Moly!  I can't keep up anymore.  It's why you don't see me participating in ICLW, either.  I know I can't manage it, so I don't want to feel guilty for not completing it.  Hell, I can't even keep my house picked up, and this is pre-kid.  I swear I was better about it when I lived in little tiny spaces.  Apparently having room to spread out is a terrible thing for DH and I.  We have a cleaning date next week.

Anywho, couple things to discuss.  But first:  Cricket's first Christmas gift arrived in the mail today!!!  I got all kinds of weepy, LOL.  Other people I know got her gifts, but this was the first one in the house.  Awwww, milestone!


So, Sunday I got a chance to meet a Bloggy Friend!  Woohoo!  Went and had a date with Lauren (who could use a boost, so give her some love!), and it was awesomesauce!  We we soooo alike.  LOL.  And bless her, she put up with my seriously narcotic induced babbling and, worse, hardcore vomiting.  But it was my first meet n greet with a Bloggy Friend!  And she is uber-cool, and I am so glad I dragged my sick arse out to go play.  We are discussing an Eastern PA/NJ meet up.  So keep an eye out for a post! 

DH had to quit the part-time job.  Bummer, but it's okay.  And now he's home at night (well, when he doesn't stay up most of the night playing video games.  Sigh.  SUPPOSEDLY today he is going to get some furniture moving done with the help of our neighbor so the crib, etc, are no longer in the dining room.  I am soooo hoping I get home to furniture where I want it.  *Fingers are crossed*

Diaper decision is made!  We are going to go with Pocket, or Insert, Diapers.  The ones that are cloth, but use inserts so that you are not washing them EVERY time.  We are already registered for some gDiapers, but I hear BumGenius is the way to go.  So as soon as I can, I will be doing a search for those puppies!  And order them a couple at a time so we don't go broke :) (Well, more broke)

I have posts about, you know, deep stuff, coming up, but had to get out some updates :)

Monday, December 20, 2010

Baby Slings

Hey an offer for y'all!

I got a coupon for Seven Slings. This week you can use promo code FIT to get free slings, or you can give it a try. I got it through my Fit.Pregnancy membership, and it appears to be unlimited. The slings are free with the code, pay shipping and handling only :)

Not getting paid for advertising, just thought I would share the love :)

I am ordering some tomorrow!
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Saturday, December 18, 2010



How far along: 22 weeks 0 days. Cricket is the size of a papaya! Watch what you say -- baby is now able to hear outside noise from down in the womb. Studies show that baby finds gentle music and your own voice most soothing. Nipples are starting to sprout, and that little face is fully formed. And, baby's starting to settle into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop.10.5-11.8 inches; 12.7-20.8 oz.  (*This will apparently remain the same info for a few weeks now as she gains weight and actual development slows down)

Total Weight Gain: 143.8 lbs. I didn't pee out the fluids from the hospital like we thought...I am honestly a little concerned.  However, I didn't really GAIN any this week, so maybe if that keeps up it will be okay.  Still, I'm way ahead of the game here weight-wise.

21 Weeks

Maternity clothes: I am starting to outgrow some of the pants that were donated to the ASS.  Hmmm.  I spent money I shouldn't have this week on leggings and sweaters from the regular section because they work now and after baby.  Mucho comfortable.  And then I splurged some more and bought 1 pair of pants from Mother.hood.  OMG, their belly panel thingys are FANTASTIC.  I want to buy allllll my pants there!

Stretch marks: Hip and thigh ones are flaring up from puberty.

Sleep: Because of my stupid hip (left) and Dr. Back realigning me, sleeping on either side has become a no-no for long periods unless I want to wake up Hubby yelling in pain.  So, back it is.  I prop a pillow under my right side so that I am at least leaning to the left a bit to compromise. Another pillow under my head so I'm not FLAT on my back, and 2 under my feet to keep them elevated.  Plus the giant pregnancy pillow.  I love the little nest I have created in my bed :)  Some nights I sleep well in between bathroom runs.  Others not.  It's all's infant prep :)

22 weeks!  Looks about the same.

Movement: Cricket is still a bit slowed down from the meds in my system, but kicks are stronger.  DH finally felt it last night!  With opposing schedules it's been hard to get him to feel it.  But last night we actually went to bed together, and he managed to stay awake long enough to feel a strong enough kick.  I had passed out, LOL.  She has taken to spending a half hour every couple of days or so kicking my cervix.  I keep telling her she's not coming out anytime soon and to knock it off (it is...bizarre feeling!).

Cravings/Aversions: My appetite has come back with a vengeance, and of course, for all things CARB.  I have given up...I'm going to put on a lot of weight, it's a foregone conclusion.  So, FEED ME SEYMOUR!  Still can't do red meat.  And some other things make me feel totally ick.

Sex (I changed it to this because gender is a totally different thing and it's been bugging me): Not intentionally finding out, much to everyone's annoyance. However, I REALLY think Cricket is a she. Hubby is of course still convinced Cricket is a boy. As for me?  Yeah, no sex lately. 

The nekkid belly.  He didn't really get
the shot including my whole side, but oh
well.  That tattoo used to look a lot
different in presentation, LOL.

Symptoms: Swelling is in full presence.  I need bigger shoes and socks.  No socks in 20 degree weather...LOL.  It's all the way up my legs, tho worse at the ankles. It feels like they are bruised.  And I thought my rings might make it through, but my hands are swelling as well all of a sudden.  I now have to hold my belly up to pee.  LOL.  And, nipple leakage!  Yup, only a couple of days this week, but it was there, alright.  LOL.

What I miss: Ease of movement.  That's about it.

What I look forward to: Viability!  Being free of Pancho.
Moods: Feeling better this week.  Still a bit frustrated with my body, but overall, pretty good!

Milestones: We have started weaning me off of Pancho as I haven't dry-heaved in nearly 2 weeks!  (discounting the morphine induced vomit).  I am almost FREEEEEEEEE!!!

Medical Concerns: Hypothyroid, anxiety, migraines, severe back pain. Ready for the list? Syn.throid 50 mcg, 100 mg, Zo.fran pump, Iron, D3, D2, B12, Vitamin C, Folic acid, no more prenatals, Bene.fiber, stool softeners. Fentanyl patch, Fentanyl 200mg prn (every 4 hours) (if Hubby ever picks the script up from the pharmacy...), Flexeril a bit longer, Lidocaine patches, Tylenol 3 for the migraines - I will be off of a lot of these by next week.

This week saw Dr. Back 3 times (I wanted to kill him Monday, but by Friday, things were looking up.)
Saw Dr. Head Monday morning, as well.  Also doing much better in that arena, added some more D to my regimen.

Weekly Wisdom: Sleep however is comfortable.  If I can't sleep on my left side, so be it. I do my best.

Best moment this week: Dissipation of the morning sickness finally!!!  Yeehaaaaaaa! Hubby finally getting a chance to get kicked by his kid :)

Worst moment this week: Still hurting quite a bit at work (very difficult to get comfy) and the addition of the extremely swollen feet is not helping.  So I am very happy to get home to heating pads and a way to elevate the sausages at the end of my legs.  The pain and discomfort is the worst part of it.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Case In Point

I snapped at work today. My hip was REALLY hurting, and very suddenly my feet and legs have turned into sausages...and it hurts. I bitched.

Someone who doesn't know my story (apparently I haven't told the WHOLE world) said, "Remember how lucky you are. Some women can't have kids."

That's when I lost it. I said, "I AM that woman. It took a lot to get here, and I am thrilled, but can't I catch a little break???"

See, that's why I worry I am becoming the whiny pregnant lady. I think I spent so long idealizing pregnancy, this dream, and hearing how wonderful pregnancy was for my mom, that the reality of mine is a bit of a blow.

I want to have an entire week where I don't hurt, puke, stick myself with a needle, or take 30 pills. Actually, just losing 2 of those would be awesome. Wah. Play the world's smallest fiddle, I know. I asked to be here.

I am not displeased to be pregnant. I am displeased, as I have mentioned, to not get my idyllic vision of what it was supposed to be like.

I don't actually, truly bitch that often, and to have that ONE THING said to me...after a rough couple of weeks...sigh.

Okay, bitch session over.

But if anyone knows how I can keep my feet warm when all I can fit into is flip flops, let me know. I elevate at night...but the rest...I am clueless.
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Friday Night Leftovers

What a week!  So I'm joining in the Friday Night Leftover train so as to cover some things I haven't been able to.  Happy Friday!

  • First of all, thanks to all who responded to my post yesterday.  I got all weepy at work.  I love you guys.  I feel better now.  I was just worried about my posts affecting you :)  Thanks for all the support!
  • Have seen Dr. Back (chiropractor) 3 times now, and there is DEFINITE improvement.  By the end of the day I am still in a lot of pain, but overall...soooooo much better.  Early in the week I wanted to hit him, now I want to hug him :)
  • We have been working on a settlement for DH's back injury for months now - we were supposed to get a check this week.  But the judge bounced it back to the company...because he thinks we should get MORE!  So, we shall hang on a few more weeks.  It is going to allow us to pay off credit card debt, start working on medical bills, pay off the 'rents, fix THE CAR, and get a 2nd car :)  And maybe allow me to take a full 3 months of maternity leave...Cannot wait to get caught up!
  • Speaking of the car - we thought we blew the radiator this morning, but we tightened up a hose, and she's hanging on.  Please, Rosie, make it a couple more weeks and then you get to go in for a much-overdo overhaul!
  • No word yet on the approval of my bathroom breaks.  Whatever.  I'm still taking them.  They can suck my big fat hairy toe. 
  • The crib (new) and the used one we received are STILL in the dining room.  LOL.  Umm, yeah, we could use a little help getting stuff done around the house, LOL.
  • I miss my hubby.  This new schedule is hard on both of us.  :(  And partly why there is still furniture for the nursery and trash in our dining room.
  • My brain knows that Christmas is next weekend, but I am so not feeling it this year.  Probably because we couldn't afford to buy gifts for anyone, so I wasn't really prompted to get my butt in gear and decorate n stuff. 
  • I have started a notepad entitled "Cricket List" to keep track of all the things we need to get done.  I thought it would make me feel better to start putting it all on paper...ummm, nope, just making me more panicky.  It's a long list.  And I NEVER get anything done because I haven't had the energy.  My mom is going to come up some Sunday after the holidays and help me.  Maybe having help will motivate me.
Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Miserably Happy

As I was reading a blog this morning (and I'm talking middle of the night morning), I started to worry.  It was about how hard it is for an IF'er to hear complaints about pregnancies.  From having not wanted to be pregnant all the way through...woes galore.  And how frustrating it is because they can do it by accident, not really appreciating what a miracle they are experiencing. 

I worried that I am becoming one of those complaining women.  Am I?  Please tell me I'm not.  If I am, it's so not intentional.  Last week was definitely a gripe week.  The thing is, it's not the PREGNANCY that's frustrating me.  It's my body rebelling against it that is.  It's not how I imagined it...but then again, not much ever is, is it?

I am happy :)  REALLY happy.  Miserable a lot of the time, but happy nonetheless.  I try to present the facts of what's happening, but not gripe too much.  And if someone asks me how I'm doing, I will be honest about the struggles, but I laugh or smile about it, because it's all part and parcel of this whole journey.  But I worry that you, my bloggy friends, will take it the wrong way, think I am now taking this for granted.

I want to assure you that is NOT the case!  Not remotely. 

There are some days however, that I am so wrapped up in the journey, this part of it, that I almost forget.  Forget what it took to get here, forget that we only have this one shot, forget the sad stuff.  I don't want to forget.  But I don't want it to diminish the pleasure of feeling Cricket grow inside of me.  That's not the same as taking it for granted, right?  I just want to enjoy the NOW of it all.  To focus on the good, the miracle.  I know sadness will set in, and it does occasionally.  But for now, I want to be ... "normal".  Make sense?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it has come across at any point in time these last months that I was complaining about this pregnancy, I apologize.  It certainly was not my intention.  But documenting the whole thing?  That was my goal.  If you catch me complaining, smack me, alright?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

IVF Losses Explained

Hillary at Making Me Mom wrote down these things, the parts of IF that, well, suck, and she adds to it as she goes along in her journey.  Now, the cool thing about this is it's not just a LIST, bullet-pointed and bland.  In fact, it is a fantastic explanation of how all of these things FEEL.  Please let her know if you use them - this would really make a wonderful guide for parents/relatives/friends of ours who can't quite grasp WHY we act the way we do.  Many of us told her this.  We thought it would be a great thing to submit to RESOLVE.  Please read's quite powerful, and if you think of it, HERE is the direct link to the post.  She could use a boost, anyway :)  These are her words, her feelings, and they are absolutely moving.



The moment of finding out, feeling that joy, and celebrating with my husband.

Telling our family - would we drive down and tell them in person? Make a phone call? Wait for a family event? Getting to see their joyful reaction. Talking about the baby & pregnancy with our moms.

Telling our friends. Seeing their joy. Even making a Facebook announcement.

Reading pregnancy books. Learning about the miracle of a new life growing. Reading about the development week by week, day by day. Reading things aloud to my husband.

Seeing my belly grow. My husband would love watching this. Taking pictures as it grows. Seeing his joy. How would I carry a belly - “all belly” or “all over?” Would my belly be small or large?

Experiencing the discomfort. I don’t really want to be sick and uncomfortable, but it seems like part of the miracle. Part of the story of me and my child. Knowing it is worth it. Having my own “pregnancy woes and stories” to tell.

Seeing the baby via ultrasound. Going to appointments with my husband. Sharing that excitement and amazement.

Buying maternity clothes. Superficial, but I always looked forward to it. Would I be a cute pregnant lady?

Feeling the baby move. Experiencing that intimacy. Talking to the baby. Praying for the baby with my hands on my belly.

Finding out the gender. Calling our family.

Giving birth. So much tied into this one. How to even put it to words? I feel like as a woman I have a biological urge and desire to do this. I don’t want the pain, so to speak, but I want the whole experience - even with the pain. I see births on TV and I bawl. It is an amazing, life changing moment. One day you are carrying a life inside of you, and then your whole world changes and you get to see and hold that baby in your arms. Having a “birth story.” Staying in the hospital with my husband. Our families meeting the baby, holding the baby.

Biological connection:

Seeing our physical & personality traits in our child. What would our child look like? Hearing people say, “She has your nose” or “Were you tall as a toddler, too?”

Seeing our family members in our child. Maybe even family members who have passed away. My dad would examine the child’s feet to see if he had our feet. Or would she have curly hair like my mother in law? A long torso like my Grandma & me? Crazy tall like so many in my husband’s family? All the things we always wondered and talked about....and have to stop wondering and talking about.

Feeling like the “family line” is carrying on.


Breastfeeding. Getting that “bonding experience” with the baby. I know not everyone is able to breastfeed, but women who do often are sad when they have to wean - I want to get to try. (I know some people try to do this even with an adopted child, but I can’t imagine doing this - who knows, though).

Living in a world where most people experience pregnancy/birth/having biological children - and I want to, but can’t. There are reminders everywhere.

Getting pregnancy announcements. Would this ever not sting?

Hearing people make comments about their children/ future children and having to stop making our own (ie “Our child will definitely have blue eyes,” “Maybe we could have a red head,” “I hope our child is organized and clean like you.”) But everyone else talks like this.

Having things happen in a predictable, traditional timeline. Start the nursery, have a shower, and generally know when to expect the baby.

Sharing in this experience of womanhood. Instead of getting to talk about it with others, I would feel like an outsider as I have to hear their experiences.

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" ~ Laura Bush

Hysterical Pregnancy Portraits

Fair warning, if you aren't in the mood for belly shots, and I totally understand if you aren't, then don't go HERE.

However, if you want a good laugh, then by all means, click HERE to see some of the WORST pregnancy photos ever.  With one or 2 exceptions. 

***Disclaimer - if you would actually do photos like this, then I totally apologize and mean no offense!***

Back to work today, better post in the next couple of days :)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

For My Foxy Lady

My dear Foxy asked me a couple questions, and I thought they merited a response, as they are FANTASTIC questions!

"Are you loving every single second of walking around showing off your belly? I dream of having a belly to show off and would love to hear how it is for you."

I will admit to avoiding baggy shirts simply so I can show off the bump. I am also completely obsessed with my profile, meaning how I look from the side. We don't have any full-length mirrors at home, only the cabinet mirror in the bathroom. So at work, in the bathroom, I have been caught more than once admiring myself. LMAO.

I am starting to feel like I have my own orbit. I bump into things with the belly (ouch! with Pancho in there!); I look like a turtle on my back if I'm on MY back. I haven't had a random stranger rub the belly yet, but lots of friends. If not for Pancho, I would love it, but unfortunately, my belly is a walking bruise!

I want EVERYONE to see my belly. This is the only shot I get. I want to just shove it out there, in people's faces, and say "LOOK AT ME!" I want to be the only pregnant woman at work (unrealistic when 800 people work here!). I want everyone to acknowledge this miracle, and to know just how much "Congratulations" is really apropos. To that end, I talk about my pregnancy so much, probably too much. LOL.

The doctors this week thought I was in pain or cramping because I can't help having my hands on my bump, rubbing it, protecting my baby, hoping she can feel my love for her.

"Also, just wondering how/if you've had any thoughts during the pregnancy about the ds? Has the hubs mentioned it? or have you thought about it at all? just wondering..."

Ooooooh, this is a toughy. Our way of dealing with things is to crack jokes. For instance, when I am miserable and sick, DH says, "Blame it on the doc. He did it." I wanted to get a maternity shirt I saw (that would annoy the hell out of me if I saw someone in it, but kinda cracks me up all the same) that says, "Who's My Daddy?" It's in terribly poor taste, but we just thought it was hysterical.

In all seriousness, though, DH hasn't seemed bothered remotely about it. It may at some point. It was hard at first, and the baby is going to have his last name because it became important to him to have something of his be a part of him/her.

But at this point, I THINK, he is so excited about the baby that he has, for the most part, moved past it. When I have been in the hospital, he will ask, "When are my babies coming home?" It is so sweet it makes me weepy. He is so in love with his baby. He jokes, but in reality, he is so, so happy.

I have moments of sadness. Mainly when the talk of who Cricket looks like comes up. Or will look like. It hit me hard after our Anatomy Scan, when we were looking at the pictures and someone said to me, "Oh! She has your chin! Look!" I got so excited. And then in an instant, my heart fell as I realized we won't get to look for his features in our child. I won't see his kind eyes looking back at me...I think it's the eyes I most wanted to be his.

But much like Hubby, overall, I just LOVE our baby. Because Cricket IS our baby. Genetics be damned. We cried, and bled, and sweated, and gave up so much TOGETHER to make our little Cricket. That's what matters in the end.
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Saturday, December 11, 2010



How far along: 21 weeks 0 days. Cricket is the size of a banana! Baby gulps down several ounces of amniotic fluid every day, both for hydration and nutrition and to practice swallowing and digesting. And, these days, those taste buds actually work! Studies show that after birth, babies are most interested in tastes they've already experienced through amniotic fluid. Meaning, think about what you want your future child to eat as you prepare your own lunch. Average is 10.5", 12.7 oz.

Total Weight Gain: The first day in the hospital, I put on 5 lbs! Fluids, much? I had already gone up 2 lbs in a couple days, and no, I wasn't eating like a cow. My metabolism is shot to hell apparently. As of this morning: 144.4!!!! That's about 31 lbs.

Maternity clothes: Oh, yeah! Been using the bella band to cover gaps below shirts and cover up the maternity pants stretchy band. Plus it gives the belly more support...feels less jiggly, and therefore more comfortable. I am about to start wearing one of those support belts if I can figure the damn thing out.

Stretch marks: Hip and thigh ones are flaring up from puberty.

Sleep: Well, this week was a crapshoot. Pain kept me up most nights, plus 3 nights of not being in my own bed. First night home was a crapshoot, too. Turns out my bed is cozy, but not good for the back. I woke up yelling at one point, though that was sciatic pain. I have a fortress of pillows. I feel so bad for Hubby, he has no room anymore.

Movement: Some days it feels like she is doing gymnastics; others I barely feel a thing. What I do feel has gotten much stronger, and it turns out that as opposed to pain meds slowing her down, she LOVES them. Great. Oh, and since I got to listen to her so often I was able to realize that there is so much movement that I am NOT feeling! She has now slowed down a bit from the meds since they have built up in my system :(.

Cravings/Aversions: Cravings: Potatoes. In all forms. Fries, mashed, scalloped, get the idea. Aversions: All foods while I was on morphine. I had serious munchies, but everything made my stomach a hot mess.

Gender: Not intentionally finding out, much to everyone's annoyance. However, I REALLY think Cricket is a she. Hubby is of course still convinced Cricket is a boy.

Symptoms: Severe right-sided back pain so bad we thought I had a kidney infection or stone. GRRRRRR. Sciatic pain, especially on the left. And the swelling has begun...again, more on the left...I feel like I have cankles.

What I miss: This week was all about missing home, missing the ability to function as usual. I made ass-kicking risotto this week before the insanity began and haven't even gotten to eat any. Boooo.

What I look forward to: Seeing Hubby's face when he gets to feel her move. Viability!

Moods: Frustration, sadness, anger, resentment, excitement at making progress. I would like to NOT repeat this week.

Milestones: I KNOW I felt her from the outside this week. Hubby wasn't sure he did or not, but we are getting there!

Medical Concerns: Hypothyroid, anxiety, migraines, severe back pain. Ready for the list? Syn.throid 50 mcg, 100 mg, Zo.fran pump, Iron, D3, B12, Vitamin C, Folic acid, no more prenatals, Bene.fiber, stool softeners. Fentanyl patch, oxycodone as needed for extra help (every 4 hours). While in hospital, I had morphine, lidocaine patches, and reglin to help with nausea. Oh, and flexoril to relieve muscle tension. And antibiotics when they thought I had an infection. I feel like a major pill popper.

Weekly Wisdom: If I am offered a sleeping pill, take it. At this point, I have way crossed the no medicine limit, and they won't give me anything that would really hurt Cricket. Cricket knows when I am upset at this point, so I am doing what I need to to keep me sane and comfortable within the limits allowed.

Best moment this week: Ummm...Hitting the right combination of drugs that allowed me to walk unassisted and not be totally looped out of my mind. Bonus looks at Cricket (her bum, of course, she is camera shy!) and getting to hear her 3 times a day :) Being able to feel Cricket kicking more since I was inactive.

Worst moment this week: Feeling like a big baby. How am I going to handle labor if back pain lands me in the hospital??? I was so excited to be feeling better, and now feel as though I have fallen behind the game again. I think tattoos are fun, but this pain? Horrendous. Missed a week of work, unpaid, AGAIN. Barely got to see Hubby, who is having his own pain issues now that he is working 2 jobs, and I don't get to sleep next to him 4 nights a week :( Pain, lots of pain. Knowing the crib is at home waiting for me to put it together, taunting me...yeah, I had a rough week.

Oh! Rys asked if the pain was determined to be muscular, skeletal, or neurological. Because an x-ray was out of the question, and based on my reaction to palpation, the determination was made that it is muscular. Essentially, I threw out my back. It seems some people just don't react well to the changes in the body from pregnancy.
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Friday, December 10, 2010

Going Home!

I am getting discharged today! I cannot wait to cuddle with my husband, take a shower, and sleep in my own bed.

We have a plan. I have pain meds and muscle relaxers. I am going to seek chiropractic care and massage therapy and work on weaning me off the heavy duty stuff over the next couple of weeks so Cricket isn't a druggie. I get to keep the muscle relaxer as needed.

Overall, I am sooooooo much better. I am walking on my own, albeit VERY slowly, and only short distances. Is the pain gone? Nope. I don't, at this point, expect it to up and disappear. Much like Spike, we have to break it so it then becomes manageable on an as-needed basis.

I am terrified of the stairs at home right now, but we will sort it out. I am terrified I am going to be miserable the rest of my pregnancy. I am terrified that when I go back to work Tuesday (my Monday) I won't be able to sit in those chairs all day, and that moving around will not ease the pain.

I have to power through, and do what I can do make my back handle the changes Cricket is bringing to my body. I will let you know how it goes.

But for now, I am just so excited to go home to my husband.
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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Well, It's Kinda Good News

My kidney pain isn't kidney pain at all.

It's your run-of-the-mill back pain. Well, incapacitating back pain. Probably due to the pregnancy. Just like the migraines. I am waiting to hear from the Pain Management folks and try out a muscle relaxer.


In here at least one more night. Hubby was finally able to visit. We are playing music for Cricket, and he MAY have felt her...he is as uncertain as I. My mom is heading up to visit as well.

Okay, don't yell at me, but there is a thought I cannot get out of my mind, one I had when contemplating IVF. Maybe there is a reason I/DH could not have children naturally. My kid is thriving...but I am obviously having an above average difficult time. My body HATES this pregnancy job. I am a hot mess. I am more than thankful that as far as the pregnancy goes, all is well. I am.

But I wanted so badly to enjoy this. And for all but a week here and there I have been SICK AS A DOG. And I also know I am not the only one who has been through a hellish pregnancy, but I am willing to bet they were just as disappointed. There is no way around it. It f'ing sucks.
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Stick A Fork In Me

Thanks to sleep drugs I slept some last night. But I have had to stop taking pain meds because I started throwing up, real throwing up. Spike is back, with a vengeance. All I want to do is vomit and chop off my head. And poop. I would give my right arm to poop. It's been 4 or 5 days.

It's not an infection. It IS my kidney, but it's not infected. I had an ultrasound last night of my kidneys and am awaiting results to see if I need to pass a stone or if something else is going on.

I am so done.

I will update when I know the next steps/diagnosis/plan.
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Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Sunday I started having some back pain. But hey, I was cleaning, and I am pregnant. No worries. Monday evening it got worse, and included a headache. I barely slept from the pain. I got up Tuesday morning and knew what I was dreading was happening.

I have a kidney infection.

I called the OB and they wanted me to head into Outpatient testing to pee in a cup. By the time I got there my pain level was not letting me even sit, so they took me down to the ER.

At least this time I get to eat, though I keep missing the mealtimes. I was admitted overnight. I am writing at 3 am because I still can't get comfortable. 2 doses of antibiotics are in, and morphine and percoset. This is going to throw me deeper into constipation land, and so far 2 days out of work.

As usual, Cricket looks good (2 ultrasounds so far!). Littlest had to go get Hubby so he could get the car as he had to work tonight. So she got an in-person sneak peak at her niece/nephew. Well, of her bum anyway...she was being camera shy again. Speaking of which, I REALLY think Cricket is a girl after today...

Anywho, I was just starting to feel good. More energy, less sickness, and I get this bit of a set-back. It's frustrating. I am exhausted. I am in pain. And I have serious opiate munchies. Wah. Bitch. Moan. Woe is me.

Okay, I am done bitching.
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Saturday, December 4, 2010

20w0d - OMG, halfway there!!!

19 weeks

How far along: 20 weeks 0 days. Crciket is the size of a cantaloupe! Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth. And, speaking of the diaper situation... baby's genitals are now fully formed! 6.5 in, 10.6 oz

Total Weight Gain: 22.5 lbs, 136 lbs as of this morning

Maternity clothes: Oh, yeah! Been using the bella band to cover gaps below shirts and cover up the maternity pants stretchy band. Plus it gives the belly more support...feels less jiggly, and therefore more comfortable.

Stretch marks: Hip and thigh ones are flaring up from puberty.

Sleep: Going to have to start putting a cushion UNDER the belly, as sleep is getting difficult again.  Now I know why I'm in bed for 10 hours...that makes sure I get close to 8 with the pee breaks and trying to get comfy again.

20 feels like I am growing
in jumps and leaps.
Movement: Pattern seems to be after food is the most active, due to my spike in blood sugar, but she is also active late in the evening, and in the car pretty often.

Cravings/Aversions: Cravings: Nothing specific this week. Aversions: Stinky odors, red meat, and whatever doesn't agree with me on any given day.

Gender: We resisted at the ultrasound! It's driving everyone, including Hubby, nuts, to not know.

Symptoms: Nothing new this week, just the usual.

What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach. My feet...anyone seen them? Ease of movement. Hubby laughs when I try to get out of the recliner...calls me a turtle on my back. LOL.

What I look forward to: Seeing Hubby's face when he gets to feel her move. Viability!

Moods: Pretty happy overall :)

Milestones: 20 weeks!  We are midway! How did that happen so fast????

Medical Concerns: Hypothyroid, anxiety, migraines. Ready for the list? Syn.throid 50 mcg, 100 mg, Zo.fran pump, Iron, D3, B12, Vitamin C, Folic acid, no more prenatals, Bene.fiber, stool softeners. I feel like a major pill popper.  We will hopefully start weaning me off the pump in a week or so....I hope.

Weekly Wisdom: Just when you think you feel enormous, the next morning comes. And then you realize you still have 5 months and most of baby's growth to go. LOL.

Best moment this week: Ultrasound was way cool.  Free stuffs starting to roll in.  Crib is ordered for our Christmas present, and we'll have it VERY SOON!!!!  Reassuring Mom that Cricket is fine...3D pics are just creepy.

Worst moment this week: Dealing with the fucknuttery (who did I get that from???) of the LOA codprots.

Friday, December 3, 2010

It's A ....

... BABY!  Haha!  Tricked ya!  We covered each other's eyes for the wobbly bits...but let me tell you, the temptation was great.  So before I show you the few pics we got, I shall tell you how it went!

Cricket is overall measuring about 2 days behind, but no concern there.  Actually, her head is a couple days ahead of schedule.  Figures.  LOL.  She was face down for all but about 30 seconds, and I even got up and did a little dance and shook the belly.   All kinds of flipping, but all face down or back.  Stubborn little Cricket.

Anyway, 4 heart chambers, all leg and arm bones lookin'  good.  Brain lookin' good.  So is the spine, and all the internal bits are where they ought to be.  We saw feet and hands briefly, but only very briefly.  She DID totally give us a thumb's up at one point.  Loved that!  Heart rate at 141 bpm. 

Only medical concerns:  because of IVF she has a slightly higher risk of congenital heart problems, so on Jan 5 she gets her very own echo cardiogram!  IE: Another ultrasound!!!  Feb 28 we have another follow up u/s to check growth again.  It seems these are IVF benefits at our OB/Perinatal center. 

Of slight concern: my blood flow indicates that I MAY be at risk for high blood pressure and preeclampsia, but I'm not even sweating that unless it happens.  It's a MIGHT.  And it's early.  Right now, all is bueno :)

So....we don't really have prints of the body shots...who knows how they determine that stuff, BUT because she would barely turn and her hand was in the way, they switched to 3D for the face shots we managed briefly at the end, so, without further ado, I present a half-baked Cricket :)

I'm just pickin' my nose, what of it???

Are you guys done pokin' me?  I'm sleepy!  YAWNNNNNN!

Again, SLEEPY!

I'm just gonna hide behind my hand until you GO AWAY and let me chill.  BTW, Mom, you need to feed me already!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

How Many Times I Go Pee-pee

I have been jumping through hoops, little ones, big ones, flaming ones, to get my bathroom breaks for work approved.  Yeah, you heard me.

I work in a call center.  We are on the phones ALL day, and bathroom breaks come out of your stats, making it more difficult to do well.  So, being pregnant and peeing ALL THE TIME, you can apply for special leave to go to the bathroom, unpaid.  Yeah, again, you heard me.  I have to clock out to pee. 

Anyway, when I still had FMLA left, they didn't care how often or anything, no worries.  Now that I am out of FMLA, I had to refile, this time as an "accomodation".  I got a letter yesterday telling me they needed more information from the doctor, specifically:

      "Please have your health care provider indicate...the total estimated frequency (how many) and duration (how long) of restroom breaks that you may require each day."


So I dutifully trucked myself into the doctor's office this morning, and presented the letter to the receptionist, who looked at me and said, "Are they serious???"  She in turn, tracked down the OB in charge of paperwork today, who said the same thing, and then called them.  After speaking with them she came to find us.

She basically said, "What do you want me to put down, what is okay to approve."
LOA IDIOTS: "We can't tell you that."
OB:  "I'm supposed to know how often my patient has to go pee-pee when she's pregnant and guzzling fluids per our instructions?"
LOA: "You just have to fill out the form."
OB: "Then how many times do you think it is appropriate for her to have to go pee-pee a day?"
LOA: "We can't tell you that."

You get the idea.  This apparently went on for about 10 minutes, she tried to get someone higher up the chain, who wouldn't speak with her.  And she refused to say "urinate" and kept saying "pee-pee" to point out the ridiculousness of the request.

So, the new request has been faxed, which I'm sure will get turned down again.  Blah, blah, blah, blah. 

I wanted to HUG this woman today.  Props to Wendy the OB for giving them hell.  Here's hoping I get approved and don't get docked for all my potty breaks for the last month.  Sigh. 

Time to go pee-pee.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Cloth Diapering Dilemma

We REALLY want to cloth diaper.  Really, really.  And I've researched quite a bit, and thanks to other friends/relatives who have taken that plunge, I've acquired a ton of information.

But do you know what ALL of these people have that we do not?  A washer and dryer.  We use the laundromat.  Which means doing laundry on a daily basis simply is NOT going to happen.  It happens about once a week, at best.  We would need at least a week and a half of supplies available to successfully do this.  That's A LOT.

If we do prefolds, that's a new size every once in a while, too, and another large outpouring of money.  I know it pays for itself, but the question is, for someone like me, does it REALLY make sense? 

What do you cloth diapering geniuses suggest?  We are now thinking a hybrid plan, using what we can for cloth, and mixing with environmentally disposables like this: Seventh Generation Diapers.  Is it maybe worth it, though, to bust out the money for the cloth?  Perhaps wait until Cricket is out of the actual baby stage (20 lbs) and switch to cloth at that point, when fewer will be needed, and there won't be size changes every couple of months? 

I really need input.  I don't know what to do :(