A couple of weeks ago I stumbled across this, a FANTASTIC post about what makes a Father. More importantly, what makes a Dad. It made me weep.
She and her DH are also going to be using DS, and so the question of nature vs. nurture comes up. And I get it. I think there is a lot of both involved, but I think HOW a child is raised can overcome a lot. And I think a lot of behaviors and personality traits come specifically from the nurture side of the camp.
Anyway, back to focus. All of this has been very hard for Hubby. He feels like such a failure. Because even without my tubal issues, he will not be genetically involved. But he's come to accept that, because he knows it is still OUR child. Our sweat, and tears, and blood, and LOVE that are going into making this child (come on, Magic 8 Ball!!!). He is the one who will be there, not Mr. F1738, and that's all that matters, in the long run.
We joked about getting DS from someone who was totally not like Hubby, and then went with someone who, based at least on the very basic description, is similar to him. Just so it's kinda there, that link. And I made a concession...
I am one of the last remaining Binsau's in this country. We have my grandmother (obviously done having kids), my dad (definitely done), and 2 of my sisters and I. Sister has already taken her husband's name, so Niece will have his name. Littlest will most likely go the traditional route, based on conversations we have had. LilSis has a different dad, so not part of the deal. My step-mom (who, btw, deserves massive props for taking care of me at ER - I didn't post about it, but it didn't go well for me, and she took care of me...) kept the last name when she and Dad divorced, but there will be no more kids there. That left me. I kept the name. And our kids were going to have the name, to carry it on.
Until this. What was more important to me? A name? A dwindling name? (Even in Germany there aren't many of us) Or my husband feeling like he has some part of this kid? So I asked him, told him to mull it over, and get back to me. And he did. He would like them to have his name. And I have conceded (though it pains my liberal feminist ass to do so), and when our kid arrives, my family name ends.
He needs that tie, that knowledge that something about this child is part him. And I get that. Even as I know that, regardless, he will be that child's DAD, not just father, and love her and play with her, and somehow figure out how to stop gagging at vomit so he can heal her. And that matters more to me than a name.