I dreamt about getting AF for the 2nd night in a row. Sigh.
The most commonly accepted stages of grief, as far as I could find, are based on the Kubler-Ross Model. And in the last 11 months (almost to the day), I have gone through all of them. But I hadn't had a really good phase of anger with regards SPECIFICALLY AND ONLY related to IF since April...until 3 am. ***TMI WARNING***
I have had gas like you would not believe since ER, a bit before, but severely since then. I am outgassing my husband, and let me tell you, that is no easy feat. There is a reason I refer to him as my own personal Whoopie Cushion. So, I went to bed pretty miserable last night. I woke up an hour later even worse, and then discovered I was in a position I didn't even know was possible. 30 minutes on the damn toilet because I had constipation and diarrhea AT THE SAME TIME. Oh, yeah. How does that work? Not very well, let me tell you. And as I sat there sweating, nearly in tears, praying for relief, I got very angry.
Filled with rage angry. And then I couldn't sleep for all the anger. I had a whole list to write about, in fact. But it's nothing I haven't said before, so I will spare you. I finally slept for a couple of hours, and this morning am not only angry, but anxious, shaky, exhausted, and depressed. All at once. I am worn out. I am tired of this all, and I am ready to be done. I want to be elsewhere. I want to leave it all behind. I want to know what is going on in Helga right now. I JUST WANT TO KNOW.
And then I think, man, we have had it EASY. We tried for 16 months, saw an RE, did testing, and over 6 months found out all of our shit, were left with only one option, and have pursued it. No Clomid cycles, no IUI's, no injectibles with IUI. Just this one, to date, PERFECT cycle. I mean, it doesn't get more perfect. I know so many of you amazing women who have been through more cycles than I can count. I haven't charted in well over a year. I haven't used an OPK or POAS except to ease someone else's mind. I can't imagine doing this over and over and over. Because those 16 months before we saw the RE and our world crashing down were hard enough. I want my mind back. I want my damn body back, and I WANT MY LIFE BACK.
"It'll all be worth it..." Whoever help me, I hope that is true. Because I am done. I need a new job; there are too many memories here dealing only with this. I want to move on if I need to. I want my happy drugs back so I can feel like a normal person for a while. Stick a fork in me. I AM DONE.
This is going to be the longest 24 hours of my life, and I just want to be in bed. But no, I'm at work because we can't afford for me not to be. How do you do it? Ladies? The ones who do this OVER AND OVER again...how???? I'm off my rocker now. I bow down to you and your strength. More power to you.