Friday, August 13, 2010

8dp5dt - Anger

I dreamt about getting AF for the 2nd night in a row.  Sigh.

The most commonly accepted stages of grief, as far as I could find, are based on the Kubler-Ross Model.  And in the last 11 months (almost to the day), I have gone through all of them.  But I hadn't had a really good phase of anger with regards SPECIFICALLY AND ONLY related to IF since April...until 3 am.  ***TMI WARNING*** 

I have had gas like you would not believe since ER, a bit before, but severely since then.  I am outgassing my husband, and let me tell you, that is no easy feat.  There is a reason I refer to him as my own personal Whoopie Cushion.  So, I went to bed pretty miserable last night.  I woke up an hour later even worse, and then discovered I was in a position I didn't even know was possible.  30 minutes on the damn toilet because I had constipation and diarrhea AT THE SAME TIME.  Oh, yeah.  How does that work?  Not very well, let me tell you.  And as I sat there sweating, nearly in tears, praying for relief, I got very angry.

Filled with rage angry.  And then I couldn't sleep for all the anger.  I had a whole list to write about, in fact.  But it's nothing I haven't said before, so I will spare you.  I finally slept for a couple of hours, and this morning am not only angry, but anxious, shaky, exhausted, and depressed.  All at once.  I am worn out.  I am tired of this all, and I am ready to be done.  I want to be elsewhere.  I want to leave it all behind.  I want to know what is going on in Helga right now.  I JUST WANT TO KNOW. 

And then I think, man, we have had it EASY.  We tried for 16 months, saw an RE, did testing, and over 6 months found out all of our shit, were left with only one option, and have pursued it.  No Clomid cycles, no IUI's, no injectibles with IUI.  Just this one, to date, PERFECT cycle.  I mean, it doesn't get more perfect.  I know so many of you amazing women who have been through more cycles than I can count.  I haven't charted in well over a year.  I haven't used an OPK or POAS except to ease someone else's mind.  I can't imagine doing this over and over and over.  Because those 16 months before we saw the RE and our world crashing down were hard enough.  I want my mind back.  I want my damn body back, and I WANT MY LIFE BACK. 

"It'll all be worth it..."  Whoever help me, I hope that is true.  Because I am done.  I need a new job; there are too many memories here dealing only with this.  I want to move on if I need to.  I want my happy drugs back so I can feel like a normal person for a while.  Stick a fork in me.  I AM DONE.

This is going to be the longest 24 hours of my life, and I just want to be in bed.  But no, I'm at work because we can't afford for me not to be.  How do you do it?  Ladies?  The ones who do this OVER AND OVER  I'm off my rocker now.  I bow down to you and your strength.  More power to you.


  1. Ok we must have been channeling each other last night, because I was in the SAME situation!!! Didn't get to sleep till after 1 because I spent 2 hours getting up and running to the bathroom.

    We're almost done! Hang in there.

  2. I don't know how I have done it. I didn't think I could to be honest. Yet, two years later (speaking of assisted fertility only) I do think it has all been worth it. And like you, once we got tested, we were presented with only one option, straight to IVF with ICSI. but we had an awful lot of crap our way too, despite the straight forward answer to our problems, despite the perfect cycles. You hang in there, I remember that through the various 2ww following embryo transfer (I had 6!) I went through a different panel of emotions. So what you are feeling is normal, it's not you going insane, is this IF shit playing its game. Not long my friend not long. And I too had those horrible dreams, I actually worked out that my dreams normally would tell me one way or the other how the cycle would turn out, but yet again...who knows. Love, Fran

  3. oh sweetie, oh dear friend. I know that this last 24 hrs is the hardest, the worst...but hang in there, I know good news is coming and if you can just hang on for a little while longer , and you will be worth it.

    Our 4 yrs of trying, of month after month of "maybe" and "maybe" almost put me over the edge too...I wanted things to be over go one way or the other, that's why I'm asking you to hang in and hang on.

    love ya lots

  4. How have you not pee'd on a stick yet??
    Not to be grose, but constipation, moodiness, and BAD gas are all really good signs! Hang in there, you can do it!!

  5. Hang in there, Girl! you had a tough night, now wonder you feel the way you feel. BUT! it's only a day until you know it for sure.
    In a way, I 'like' your symptoms. I mean I DO NOT like that they are torturing you, but they sound like possibly great hormonal signs to me!
    I am soooooo crossing my everything for you!
    I wish you could get out of there soon, and get some fresh air or relax a bit!

  6. I don't know how they do it either - but you can borrow some strength from me to get you through the next day of waiting. I've got extra because I'm leaving on vacation in the morning!

  7. Oh girl, I feel the pain that you are in right now. and I have no idea how others who do this over and over again manage. I wonder sometimes, but really cannot fathom.

    I'm not even in a cycle right now, and I feel done. Life just feels like it is all too much. I feel like a loser for not being able to hold it together, but here I am on the couch, called in sick today, because I just can't manage to leave the house.

    I wish I could invite you to sit here with me. On the couch. with a cup of hot coco (and/or a mimosa). cuddled in a warm soft blanket. watching an old 80's romantic comedy.

    Oh friend, this is so hard.

  8. Ugh, I'm waiting tensely with you! Hang in there, sweetie, you are almost there and I am very hopeful for you. Thinking of you!

  9. Frankly, I don't know how I've done it. Lots has been sacraficed- friends, work, my sex life. I guess there are untapped reserves of strength in all of us. I have felt the way you feel today on more occasions than I can shake a fork or stick at...

    I have had that strange constipation and diarrhea thing. And the IVF 2 ww is harder than anything really. (But frankly, for me, not as hard as the 2ww following the beta.)

    For what it's worth, these are very good signs. And yes, you've had it easier than some, but you are still one of us. There is nothing easy about infertility, no matter how long it lasts. We all have challenges in our lives.

    Work and IVF don't mix well. It sucks.

  10. People ask me that a lot. "How do you do it?" The answer? I have no idea. You just do. What choice do we have? For us lucky (sic) infertiles, it's the road to having a baby. And like you said... we hope that, one day, it will all be worth it.

    Having gone through so many cycles and several losses, I will share with you what others have said to me- even when a cycle fails, the doctors learn from it. It may be something little, like that they need to put in more embryos, or something big, like, in our case, that there is a chromosomal issue. So maybe that is it... I do it by allowing the knowledge gained by each failed cycle to help keep that leeeeeetle string of hope connected to my heart.

  11. Hey - I changed my blog URL...
    hope we stay in touch and I am wishing you luck on your beta tomorrow. xoxo

  12. There is something to be said for only having to do a "big" treated/medicated cycle only once. I pray that it's the only one you need. Keep positive!

  13. I just sat down and counted how many cycles we've done....125 - holy freak!

    125 = 8 losses, so for 117 cycles we've been unsuccessful in getting knocked up, those are pretty shitty odds.

    As for how you keep going. I can't answer that because I don't know. The ones who tell you it's worth it, are the ones who have gotten the prize - well of course it's worth it if you get the prize duh but what if you don't? Is the heartache, pain and time worth it then? I don't know. I wish I knew.

    Your symptoms sound promising though and I'm looking forward to reading great news.


  14. Hi darling I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful. I don't mind the TMI at all but UGH!!! You so deserve a break from feeling like this. Hope it all clears up soon.
    As far as how I've gotten through it all-I don't know either. I have leaned on DH a lot, tried therapy, participated on forums and started my blog. These have all helped. Blogging the most because I learned I wasn't alone.
    So until tomorrow-can't wait to hear your results and huge love to you!!

  15. so sorry about your poops. :(

    now that you're pregnant you probably don't need to know this, but i wanted to share anyway.

    every time i get a BFN - which has been every time since jan 2008 except once, which sadly ended in m/c, i feel so defeated and angry. then at some point shortly there after, i fill with strength and my anger turns into focus and fight. it's only then i can realize that this isn't over until i want it to be over. and i don't want it to be over until i have a baby in my arms. it's then that i again allow hope to seep back in and before i know it, i forget what happened and i'm focused on what WILL happen. because it will.

    now send some of that special baby making juju my way please. :) xo!


Whip me, beat me, take away my charge card. Or just leave a comment. Whichever works best for you :)