Saturday, August 21, 2010

Seeking Peace and Calm

I have written about feeling lost in all of this IF madness.  About not knowing myself, and missing the me that I was.  I also know that I have changed in some ways that cannot be reversed.  But I can claim some of me back.  Not all of it has to stick.

Specifically, the angry, bitter parts.  In the last year I have gained and lost friends.  Some of those losses were based on good reasons...but I didn't handle them well.  Some of my anger was justified, and for that I will not apologize.  However, how I may have handled it....that's another story.  Some of the things I said were completely out of IF bitterness and jealousy and anger.  Just being irrational.  That's what this blog is for.  To get it out, crazy or not.  It doesn't necessarily mean it was the right thing to do.

So I need to find balance.  Just because I'm in the pregnant club does not take away the IF feelings.  I am already realizing this.  But I need to try not to lash out so much.  (Although, again, this is my blog, and if you choose to read it, I sort of feel like my rage has an outlet here and I say what I need to get it out of my system, sometimes very unfair and if that bothers you, don't read it.)  Realistically, we all say things when we are angry or upset that we don't mean deep down, right?  And I really dislike getting into face-to-face arguments, so I try to get out all the irrational stuff here. 

So perhaps I need to change the URL to make sure the people in my life that could be offended by what I write are no longer affected.  And I need to find positive again.  I need to get the crazy under control a bit.  Because I really am not a mean person.  Or a bitchy person.  I'm not.  But apparently make me IF, pump me full of hormones and take away my mood stabilizers and I become someone I don't particularly like.

New goal?  Make me a better person.  A lot of the damage of my words is irreparable, and in one particular instance, I am fairly okay with that.  I was very angry, and having certain people out of my life really is a good doesn't make me any less sad, though. 

I guess where I am going with this is that I am entering some sort of sadness with regards to what IF has done to me.  And while I am insanely happy about this pregnancy, I am sad about the things and people we lost getting here.  I feel badly for my out of control anger, and I resolve to be better.  To learn to breathe, and to make better decisions in general so as not to land myself in a situation that turns me into crazy bitch monger.

And after ICLW I am going to change the URL of this blog - don't worry, I'll get it posted on LFCA and whatnot!  But I think the change is needed...

p.s - I am not changing the NAME, just the URL, so that the people I don't want reading this have a more difficult time finding it.  I may take the link off my FB page as well.  I will make sure you all get a chance to update somehow!


  1. I hope I can find the URL later to continue reading!

  2. I know exactly what you mean about IF changing you. It changed me 10 years ago and I thought that it would be different the 2nd time around...nope, it was worse for me. I haven't even thought about changing hte name of my blog, but I think it still works even if I am pregnant...?

  3. That sounds like a good idea. Purging to grow is healthy.

  4. "And I need to find positive again. I need to get the crazy under control a bit. Because I really am not a mean person. Or a bitchy person. I'm not. But apparently make me IF, pump me full of hormones and take away my mood stabilizers and I become someone I don't particularly like."

    Wow - You say it all right there. Can I join you on this journey to heal from the scars of infertility? Even without the extra hormones and with my happy pills I need to get the crazy under control.

    For what its worth, I think that this post so normalizes the grief that we all struggle with, and recognizes that while we can't always process it all while we are experiencing it.

    Did you see the LFCA announcement a few days back about Musings site? I knew that a history of depression increased the risk of PPD, but didn't know that IF increased the risk by a factor of 4. It sounds like you are one step ahead of all of this, but it might be worth checking out.

    PS - I've been meaning to ask you how you liked the Circle Bloom meditations. I am thinking about checking them out myself...

    PPS - I support you in saying everything that you need to say here. I haven't told anyone other than ML about the blog, and although there are times when I would like to share it with my mom and sister and bestie, there are other times that I am glad it is private and a safe space just for me. I am sure that you will find the right balance for you!

  5. Whatever you need to do, where ever you need to go... I will be here!

    IF sucks, before, during and after - there's just no escaping it.

    Know that you are amongst friends~

  6. Congratulations on your pregnancy, first off. I don't know what that feels like, but I can imagine that the rage felt during IF doesn't magically disappear just because you've conceived. That may be hard for others to understand, but it's certainly not hard for US to understand. Own your feelings!

  7. You're among friends here. :) I understand looking back with some sadness about friendships and things that happened. You're right though, IF changes you and what it does to us isn't fair and it doesn't go away when one gets pregnant. How you're feeling is totally and completely normal.

  8. To echo some of the above comments, you are definitely among friends and we understand. IF is life changing for better and for worse and it is up to us how we decide to grow from it. I think you are so strong to be brave enough to make a change to make yourself healthier. ((Hugs))

  9. Kakunaa, were some of the people you lost dear to you...if you miss them, can you approach them again at a later date.

    If it was they who did the despicable bit, well you are better off without them.

    Infertility does change us.

    I hope to continue reading your URL or whatnot!

  10. HI darling!
    Well can I just say no matter where you go I will stalk you. So change the URL but let me know!! I am glad you are so happy about this pregnancy-you deserve to be!

  11. I'll follow you wherever you go my friend. You do what you have to do. Love, Fran

  12. Returning the ICLW visit. Congrats on the pregnancy. I know what you mean about the IF fears and pains not going away with pregnancy. I'm already thinking of #2 and 3 and will we struggle to conceive again or will I be one of the lucky ones that this pregnancy gets my hormones back to normal.

  13. don't feel badly for what you've said on this blog. this is your place to vent. IF does terrible things to us and your loved ones should understand that and have patience. if you can't be totally honest, then i agree - it's time to move your blog. i'll definitely keep reading. :)

  14. I hear you, my marriage suffered a great deal because I become so depressed and so bitter, that I just kinda lost my zest for life. It takes a while to heal, to mourn your old self. But there's hope. You can't go back to who you were, but you can move forward to a new you. Through compassion.


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