I have written about feeling lost in all of this IF madness. About not knowing myself, and missing the me that I was. I also know that I have changed in some ways that cannot be reversed. But I can claim some of me back. Not all of it has to stick.
Specifically, the angry, bitter parts. In the last year I have gained and lost friends. Some of those losses were based on good reasons...but I didn't handle them well. Some of my anger was justified, and for that I will not apologize. However, how I may have handled it....that's another story. Some of the things I said were completely out of IF bitterness and jealousy and anger. Just being irrational. That's what this blog is for. To get it out, crazy or not. It doesn't necessarily mean it was the right thing to do.
So I need to find balance. Just because I'm in the pregnant club does not take away the IF feelings. I am already realizing this. But I need to try not to lash out so much. (Although, again, this is my blog, and if you choose to read it, I sort of feel like my rage has an outlet here and I say what I need to get it out of my system, sometimes very unfair and if that bothers you, don't read it.) Realistically, we all say things when we are angry or upset that we don't mean deep down, right? And I really dislike getting into face-to-face arguments, so I try to get out all the irrational stuff here.
So perhaps I need to change the URL to make sure the people in my life that could be offended by what I write are no longer affected. And I need to find positive again. I need to get the crazy under control a bit. Because I really am not a mean person. Or a bitchy person. I'm not. But apparently make me IF, pump me full of hormones and take away my mood stabilizers and I become someone I don't particularly like.
New goal? Make me a better person. A lot of the damage of my words is irreparable, and in one particular instance, I am fairly okay with that. I was very angry, and having certain people out of my life really is a good thing....it doesn't make me any less sad, though.
I guess where I am going with this is that I am entering some sort of sadness with regards to what IF has done to me. And while I am insanely happy about this pregnancy, I am sad about the things and people we lost getting here. I feel badly for my out of control anger, and I resolve to be better. To learn to breathe, and to make better decisions in general so as not to land myself in a situation that turns me into crazy bitch monger.
And after ICLW I am going to change the URL of this blog - don't worry, I'll get it posted on LFCA and whatnot! But I think the change is needed...
p.s - I am not changing the NAME, just the URL, so that the people I don't want reading this have a more difficult time finding it. I may take the link off my FB page as well. I will make sure you all get a chance to update somehow!