All Over The Place - 2dp5dt

Before I get into anything, big congrats to Jess at Glass Case Of Emotion - she won the Giveaway :)

Oh, and thank you for all the fabulous ideas about the name.  Binsau as a middle name sounds kinda funky to me, and I don't want to torture my child with the hyphenated Binsau-Richardson.  Eek!  We shall see, though, I suppose.

I don't even know where to start today.  And this is probably going to be realllly rambling.  I am going back to work because I can't stand sitting on my butt anymore.  I made a metric shit-ton of zucchini mini loaves and mini-muffins yesterday, after the 24 hours was up, to keep myself sane.  I took a bag of the mini-muffins with me to the clinic this morning...

We had our progesterone check this morning.  Which made me realize that today is potentially the 2nd to last time we will be there...which freaked me the hell out.  And they are moving offices, too, which, I don't know, is weird.  I don't know why.  Don't argue with a severely hormonal woman.

What do I know?  I know that since we have Hatchers, if this worked, it worked yesterday.  I know that I am super protective of my belly.  I know that we played music to them last night, and that Hubby doesn't go anywhere without first talking to the belly and telling them how much we want them.  I know that we framed the picture of Itsy and Bitsy and that I've been showing off their photo like people do with their children.  I know that if this doesn't work, I want my damn body and mind back.   I can't fit into maternity clothes, but I am definitely in my "fat" pants".  And baggy shirts.  And if I get pregnant, then I am totally good with that.  But right now it's like a tease...

I know that I don't get to say I'm pregnant, not for real, not yet.  Maybe not ever.  And I know I am supposed to think positively, but it is SO DIFFICULT.   I can't even imagine it at this point.  And I'm tired of the waiting game, and at the same time, terrified for this cycle to be over, because then what?  I am making an appointment with my GP for 3 days after the test.  That way, if it's positive, I've had my 2nd beta, and can ask for an OB referral to get a jump on it.  And if it's not, he can refill my happy drugs and I can go on those so that by the time the real breakdown hits, I will already be medicated.  Is that crazy?  I just don't want to be blind-sided.  Hey, the benefit of all this "no surprise" crap, is that you can be uber-prepared.   

The insomnia is back, as of the night before the transfer.  Last night wasn't as bad, thank goodness.  I don't know how to feel.  Everyone is treating me as though I am pregnant, and I'm going with it, but I feel like an imposter.  And it's not like if I had "early pregnancy symptoms" I would know.  With all the hormones and things my body has been through, it wouldn't know a real symptom if it got bit on the ass.  Seriously.  I've moved onto sports bras because of the BBS being bigger and fuller and oddly not mine.  We already know about the pants.  And anything else you can think of can be attributed to the hormones.  So it's just a waiting game.

And I'm not trying to freak anyone out, I'm just freaked out myself.  I just want to know I'm not totally off the deep end.  That it's okay to be a little paranoid/freaked out/uber-emotional right now.  Is it?