Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A Difficult Question

MiraclesDHappen asked me how we feel that it's one and not two.  Were we hoping for two?  Someone I work with also posed a similar question.  It's pretty loaded as far as questions go...

Yes, we were hoping for twins.  We both have siblings, and we really wanted two children, and quite honestly, I'm not sure we'll be up for a FET next year...financially, if not emotionally.  We really want to donate those frosties to someone, help make THEIR dreams come true.  And it's weird to wonder....what happened to the other one?  Where did it go?  What could it have become? 

Please don't misunderstand me...we are THRILLED!!  But I am definitely a little sad, and weirded out by this life that might have been.  That my body just absorbed it.  I told my friend at work that I am trying not to think about it.  Because of the emotions attached to it. 

Does this make sense?  Is it normal?  To mourn this speck a little, even with the one we have growing quite happily in Helga right now?  I don't know how to feel! 

But to make this not a total downer post, I will leave you with the fun things you get to say to customers when you work with cell phones in a call center...remember there are a lot of touchscreen phones out there today.  So here are a couple snippets to make you smile whilst you contemplate my question.
  • "Are you touching it?  Are you touching it right now?"  - When I overheard a friend say this I almost peed my pants.
  • "Okay, now tap that.  Now tap it again."  We all get to tell people to Tap That multiple times a day.  Oh, the things that amuse you to get you through the day in corporate hell.
Seriously, though....need input!


  1. Ahahaahh!! loved the conversation!

    I didn't know you wanted to donate your left over embryos, my friend, you brought tears to my eyes, this is such a wonderful gesture...
    What happen to the other embryo, the one that didn't make it? Well, I'm not sure of course but I like to think that its cell division arrested at some point and became part of you in any case. Much love, Fran

  2. Ok, first of all, those reponses made me snarf my water. That is about the funniest thing I've ever heard. I wish my workplace was like that!

    Secondly, I don't think it is odd to mourn the second embie. I think that it is similar to mourning a "chemical pregnancy." Sure, it never had a chance, but, for a while, it was the beginning of a life. Especially since you actually SAW it at some point. It doesn't mean you're any less happy for what you have, but it is hard to let go of what could have been. No matter for how short a time.

  3. Oh those snippets were FUNNY. :)

    as for the feelings, I think I know how you feel...it's the way I felt after failed cycle, that I couldn't even think about AF because I would remember that we "TRIED" that cycle and that "try" could have been my son or daughter....so sure I know how that feels.

    I know that I got my twins, and so I know that you think that I can let go of the feelings of loss, but you never really do. I know it's a hard place to be...
    you are so excited (and SO AM I) about the pregnancy and the new life you are growing and yet you grieve the other...that's normal, you should be feeling that considering the journey to this....

    just deep breaths, and as this preg goes on, you'll deal with those feelings, one day at a time.

  4. We had hoped Babe was a twin so we wouldn't have to go through it all a second time and I was disappointed but still happy to be preggo. I think your meant to be a mom of more than 2. I say twins for the second go around.

  5. Thank you for posting those. I almost spit my water out on my desk. I needed that this morning!

    As for the sadness, I don't think it's odd. I know that doctors say embryos that don't implant are not technically losses, but I think that's unfair. What about the people who never have an embaby stick? It's unfair to say that they haven't lost what could have been a child. So the same goes for you. And hell, every one of my failed cycles I view as a loss. Gone is an egg that could have helped create a baby.

    (((hugs))) I loved this post.

  6. Congrats cutie!! Wishing you a happy, healthy and safe pregnancy.

    Thanks for stopping by. ICLW

  7. I hear you. I think WAY more than I should about the two embroys they put in me in April. I even have a freaking picture of them which I can't bear to look at. I sometimes wonder if those are the only 2 "kids" I'll ever have. The bottom line is - you JUST can't think about it. ESPECIALLY in your case. You have so much to celebrate right now and that should be your focus. :) As a side note, one of my favorite questions when I worked at a club was, "What time is the 9pm show?" Really? -- Jay (ICLW #78)

  8. lol, ok now think about this...I heard once that 1 in 8 pregnancies start out as twins!

    Thanks for answering, oh and i edited my last post on the whole justice thing.

  9. I think that it's probably normal and it makes sense to me that you would mourn the possibility of the other embie - the one that didn't stick.

  10. I've been thinking the same things...what if its only 1. Will I be sad? Relieved? Crushed? Happy for the one remaining? Ever since I was younger I always wantefd twins and didn't think it would be a good chance since there's no history in my family, yet here we are, a very real possibility. It makes it so much harder to guess how I will react next monday when I have my US.

  11. It's totally normal to mourn your lost embie. Trust me. :)

    And omg, tap that! Hahaha. I wouldn't ever be able to keep a straight face!

  12. Makes perfect sense to me -- even if you hadn't really wanted twins it would make sense. I read someone once talking about disappointment when finding out a baby's sex -- how whatever you hoped for and whatever you find out, there's always some mourning, because you had built two versions of the baby in your head and now one of them is gone. I think this is how I would feel in your position: of course you're happy with the bean you've got, but you had spent time imagining a life with a child that is gone now. Why wouldn't that hurt a little?

    Nice ticker, btw. ;)

  13. I think it's fully justified to think about, wonder about, and mourn the loss of that other embie. I still mourn the loss of my angel babies, even though I *know* that they never actually made it past the 6 or 7 week mark. They are, for me, lost children... I loved them no less than I love my Halfling. They were just a part of my life for a much shorter amount of time.

    And I love that you are planning to donate your frosties. I think that is wonderful!

  14. Mourning the second embie is no different to me morning the loss of a pregnancy at say 4 or 5 weeks - of which I've had a few.

    You've still lost a life or the potential life, so the loss and grief following it is normal.


  15. BWAHAHHAHA - tap that, now tap it again...heehee, that cracked me up.
    Wow - CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy - woohooooo!
    and yes, I think it is totally normal to feel a little blue, the whole thing is so emotional. Just don't dwell on it, let yourself be happy.
    Happy ICLW! I will check back...

  16. LOL @ your work jokes!!
    I think it's normal to be a bit sad they both didn't take. After all, from my perspective I am doing this to give my one child a sibling. I understand how important it is. (((HUGS)))

  17. I think it is completely normal to mourn the loss of someone that could have been. I didn't reach the point of IVF in my journey, but the loss of embryos is what scared me the most about it. It is something most people won't acknowledge, which makes it even harder to mourn.

    RE your comment about my boss. I AM miffed! I am pissed because he is not simply saying that he will support whatever decision I make regarding my leave, and that I do not need to concern myself with how my child is going to affect our business. I would surely have come up with the same plan I have now if he had acted like I expected him to, so it's not the end result that is bugging me. It is his piss poor attitude. Why can't my boss be more like his boss???

  18. It's so hard when embies don't stick. It's a loss in it's one way...

    Those snippets from your job are hilarious!! How funny!! I'm definitely going to quote those to my hubby!

  19. I think it's totally normal to be sad that the other one didn't make it (while of course being THRILLED that the other one did!). I just did my first IVF and it didn't work. I didn't realize just how sad I'd be over the loss of tiny embryos. It's a real loss.


Whip me, beat me, take away my charge card. Or just leave a comment. Whichever works best for you :)