Monday, August 30, 2010

Emotions Emotions Emotions

Apparently old jealousies die hard. 

I was in the cafe at work, and past me walked a VERY large baby bump.  And all I saw was the bump.  And my stomach dropped. 

Yup, I won't be letting go of it anytime soon.  Because I know that I won't be able to accomplish another pregnancy without, again, a shit-ton of money and a lot of luck.

Does the jealousy ever go away?

And then....

A woman I work with had a surprise, unwanted pregnancy.  But she grew to be happy about it.  She's on my team.  And for a month I was wicked bitter, and then another woman on my team got pregnant...and then it was finally my turn.  But remember how hard that is?  It STILL is! 

But now I'm the one someone is going to have a difficult time with, and not just here in Blogland (which I completely understand, btw).

Anywho, the first woman...she's been out for a week, and I knew she'd had an emergency OB appt last week.  Then she wasn't in.  So, you know, I'm kinda figuring...and I was right.  Yesterday Pg#2 told me for sure.  And how is it that with everything, and with all the women I've supported here, I've NO IDEA how to speak to her when she arrives back today.  We don't speak much as it is.  But now I'm THAT woman.  The PG woman.  To her loss.  I cried a lot last night.

I can't seem to explain to DH how scared I am.  That I can't fully settle into this pregnancy until end of the first tri.  That we are riding a wave of luck and there is still so much room for bad.  She was 11 weeks when she lost the baby.  11 weeks.  So close to that first trimester mark.  I've still got 6 weeks to go.  After I told him about her miscarriage he is understanding a bit more...but he seems more at ease with accepting the amazing and that it will continue...

Which led to a nightmare about miscarrying (yeah, my brain hates me).  So I got up and went to the bathroom, went downstairs, and find that the neighbor (who has, after yet another breach of "curfew" been told he needs to leave when we go to bed) is still here.  At 3 am.  I didn't flip out.  YET.  Hubby is going to talk to them.  But this is last chance.  I'm done.  For sure.  They have 1 more shot, and then "sayanora" punks. 

Went back to bed, PISSED, and ended up having dreams for the next 2 hours about telling them off before it was time to get up and go to the u/s.  Oh, my my my.  They have crossed me one too many times.  Pregnant Super Bitch is about to don her cape and throw a fit.

So glad this morning went well and it's my Friday and I have pool and Sister/LilSis time coming up this "weekend".  I need it so I don't get too overwhelmed by the uncontrollable hormonal emotions.  Homicide is bad for the baby.


  1. I STILL get scared when I read about such losses, and I'm 26.5 weeks along. Although my scary dreams have gotten much fewer, thank goodness. I hope you find peace of mind, and that your neighbor issue gets straightened out!

  2. being someone who lost a pregnancy already, i can't imagine ever letting go of that fear. i do hope you can shake the fear soon. you deserve to be happy and excited, not fearful!

  3. "Homicide is bad for the baby.".. ahem, hahaha, you're hilarious.

  4. The fears are really normal-hell, I based my whole blog name on it!! But yeah, they are really hard. SO just take it one day at a time and think about how far you've come already. You have reached so many milestones!

  5. I've started looking for bumps that are non existent...
    i am not sure how to update your URL ???


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