Perfect Moment Monday: Summer Is Giving Up Her Fight

My favorite time of the year is Autumn.  Hands down.  I adore the potential and birth of Spring.  And the lushness and passion of summer arouse me.  The starkness of Winter feeds my dark and twisty side.  But  Autumn....Autumn is perfect. 

The colors.  The odors in the air.  The crisp feel in the air.  Finally needing a sweater.  Cuddling and drinking hot apple cider.  Kicking leaves.  The last clutch of Mother Nature to her cycle. 

We aren't there yet, but it's in the air.  At night I can SMELL it, and it makes me just ... content.  Sort of inwardly smile.

And in the mornings, we have this:

Summer is giving up her fight...mist coats the corn fields, the abandoned baseball fields...and this is my perfect moment today.  The inner peace I get as summer wanes...feeling it in my skin, in my mouth, in my nose, in my gut.  Autumn is on her way...

Emotions Emotions Emotions

Apparently old jealousies die hard. 

I was in the cafe at work, and past me walked a VERY large baby bump.  And all I saw was the bump.  And my stomach dropped. 

Yup, I won't be letting go of it anytime soon.  Because I know that I won't be able to accomplish another pregnancy without, again, a shit-ton of money and a lot of luck.

Does the jealousy ever go away?

And then....

A woman I work with had a surprise, unwanted pregnancy.  But she grew to be happy about it.  She's on my team.  And for a month I was wicked bitter, and then another woman on my team got pregnant...and then it was finally my turn.  But remember how hard that is?  It STILL is! 

But now I'm the one someone is going to have a difficult time with, and not just here in Blogland (which I completely understand, btw).

Anywho, the first woman...she's been out for a week, and I knew she'd had an emergency OB appt last week.  Then she wasn't in.  So, you know, I'm kinda figuring...and I was right.  Yesterday Pg#2 told me for sure.  And how is it that with everything, and with all the women I've supported here, I've NO IDEA how to speak to her when she arrives back today.  We don't speak much as it is.  But now I'm THAT woman.  The PG woman.  To her loss.  I cried a lot last night.

I can't seem to explain to DH how scared I am.  That I can't fully settle into this pregnancy until end of the first tri.  That we are riding a wave of luck and there is still so much room for bad.  She was 11 weeks when she lost the baby.  11 weeks.  So close to that first trimester mark.  I've still got 6 weeks to go.  After I told him about her miscarriage he is understanding a bit more...but he seems more at ease with accepting the amazing and that it will continue...

Which led to a nightmare about miscarrying (yeah, my brain hates me).  So I got up and went to the bathroom, went downstairs, and find that the neighbor (who has, after yet another breach of "curfew" been told he needs to leave when we go to bed) is still here.  At 3 am.  I didn't flip out.  YET.  Hubby is going to talk to them.  But this is last chance.  I'm done.  For sure.  They have 1 more shot, and then "sayanora" punks. 

Went back to bed, PISSED, and ended up having dreams for the next 2 hours about telling them off before it was time to get up and go to the u/s.  Oh, my my my.  They have crossed me one too many times.  Pregnant Super Bitch is about to don her cape and throw a fit.

So glad this morning went well and it's my Friday and I have pool and Sister/LilSis time coming up this "weekend".  I need it so I don't get too overwhelmed by the uncontrollable hormonal emotions.  Homicide is bad for the baby.

Whoosh Whoosh Whoosh

This is post 1 of 3 of the day....they really need to be separate, as there are a lot of different feelings attached to them.  Sorry gang.

I shall start with the amazing...

This one shows the graph of Itsybitsy's heartbeat, yup, heartbeat - 113 bpm.

This one shows Itsybitsy...can you see it?  CRL=6w1d!

I have been assured not to worry that Itsybitsy is measuring a day behind, and that the heartbeat speed is normal for this stage...it will go up. 

OMG I got to see that little pulse on the screen.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  I touched it.  Right now I'm crying. 

And then she turned on the sound....ummm, THAT was a surprise...I wasn't expecting that for another month!  Hubby had no problem distinguishing her little beat from the whoosh sound.  I did :(  But the look on his face was worth it!  So hopefully next week I can hear it!  I feel so privileged we got to hear it so early!  (well, hubby anyway)  I'm in love with my clinic. 

This morning I realized that (**appendages crossed!**) we will get to add a photo to their "success story" book in 8-ish months.  Wowsers.  That little heart, taking up most of our little 1/2 cm bean....thump thump goes mine.

New URL!!!

If you have found me again, please spread the word.  As promised, to end some drama in my life, I have changed my URL. 

Please update your feeds to http://gvandmonkey.blogspot.com/.

Thanks!  Spread the word!

P.S.  Apparently when I changed my URL I lost ALLLLLLLL of my bloglist.  Please help me rebuild!!!

6w0d

WEEKLY UPDATE


How far along: 6 weeks 0 days

Total weight gain/loss: I actually think I may be down a couple pounds from last week, so I'm starting a weekly weigh-in at home -- 115 lbs this morning according to my not-so-accurate scale.

Maternity clothes:  Still sticking with either the belly band or stretchy pants/skirts.

Stretch marks: way too early for those!

Sleep: As often as possible!!!  But I work 10 hour days and then need wind-down time when I get home, and can't STAY asleep.  I nap a lot on my days off.

Movement: way to early for that!

Cravings/Aversions: Cravings: Ham sandwiches.  Which is weird for someone who didn't eat meat for 16 years.  LOL.  But it's the best thing to me right now!!! Aversions: Stinky odors, red meat...

Gender: at this point, we have decided not to find out...let's see if we hold steadfast to that!

Symptoms: Almost constant nausea, worse at night (unless triggered by something else).  The ever present sore BBs.

What I miss: Chai!!! Big cup of morning tea...but it's already been over a month, so I'm getting used to it. I have switched to Rooibos (which I adore) and kind of tricks my body :).  Sex is allowed, but because of my exhaustion isn't happening :(  Thank goodness for AA batteries ;-P

What I look forward to: Seeing the heartbeat in 2 days (we hope!).  Starting to show.  Passing first trimester!

Moods: Generally still quite good :)  Just have to watch the irritability so I don't get out of hand and become SUPER BITCH!

Milestones: 1st u/s and seeing the sac :)

Medical Concerns: elevated thyroid levels - taking Syn.throid 25 mcg daily (it is UNDERactive, not OVERactive as I first thought)

Weekly Wisdom: Keep food on hand at ALL TIMES.  I get nausea worse when I am hungry.  This is difficult when I'm on the phones allllll day, but I'm learning how to do it.

Best moment this week: Seeing that u/s!  Starting to tell random people that we're KU.

Worst moment this week: Slipping on the stairs the other day and falling...it scared me soooo much.  But all is well, as far as we can tell.  We'll know Monday!

Photo Friday: Words

It's back!  Calliope is finally back with Photo Friday, this week:  WORDS!

The first came out sideways...don't know why, can't fix it.  I love the idea of just getting out and going!

The second cracks me up.  Bugaboo is one of my favorite words, and it means "unfounded fear".  So it's incredibly funny to me that they make BABY STROLLERS.  Yup. How does that make sense?  No idea.  But it cracks me up :)

Decison Made: Where to Register

No, don't worry, we aren't tempting fate by ACTUALLY registering.  (Shit, I'm still obsessively checking the TP and refuse to wear white underwear!)   But we've checked out the places we wanted to and made a decision.  So, I give to you, if you are interested, a breakdown of my thoughts on the places we visited.  Hey, maybe it will come in handy for you later, or now!

• The BIG GUY: Bab.ies "R" Us.  Obviously the most well known, and quite frankly, the most convenient for a couple like us with a bicoastal family.  His family will, I imagine, be doing gift cards in lieu of trying to ship big things.  I don't know.  Anyway, they were friendly, but quite frankly, the place is incredibly overwhelming and just a little too commercial for us.  Plus, a touch on the expensive side (ummm, alright, all this baby stuff is, but they are top-price from what we saw). 
• The REALLY SMALL GUY: Burling.ton Coa.t Fac.tory.  Also fairly widespread, but going in the store is much like going into a Thrift Store.  It just felt terribly chaotic, and the in-store selection was mediocre.  Again, convenient, and the crib prices were the best we saw, but it made me twitch.  I couldn't handle registering there.  Twitch, twitch.  That being said, GREAT PLACE for maternity clothes on the cheap :)
• The ALMOST PERFECT GUY: Tar.get.  Okay, I LOVE Tar.get.  LOVE.  I'm using the word LOVE here.  But...they are mostly online, and again, I like to be able to SEE the goods we are choosing.  They were the best prices we saw though.  I will give them that.  And who doesn't like a trip there? 
• The JUST RIGHT FOR US GUY: Buy Buy Ba.by.  We felt a "small store" atmosphere, and the staff was incredibly friendly.  We lucked out in that there is one near us.  They are not nearly as widespread as the others, so unfortunately for family, much will have to be done online.  BUT we loved going in there, we felt comfortable, and the pricing is middle of the road.  They have a whole organic product line, including gender-neutral garments and such.  Which we LOVED.  They take competitors coupons!  Can't beat that!  So, this is the one. 

So, Buy Buy Ba.by it is.  Despite the downfalls, it is the one we liked the best.  We will let family and friends know they are more than welcome to purchase at different stores (we are lucky, despite our rather strange location, to have all 4 near us) if it is easier for them.  We are also going to be encouraging using Craigslist, Ebay, etc to purchase used items when at all possible to encourage "green shopping".  So our registry will partly be a list of needs and wants, but not required to be purchased there by anyone.  It's just where we want to go. 

So that was the big decision of the week!  Very exciting!  We already have some items chosen, though again, no registering until we hit 13 weeks.  But we'll start then, to get a head start. Perhaps we can get some items out of the way at Christmas, before we even have a shower. 

Songs That Knock Me Over

As many of you know, music is a huge part of me, of who I am.  And there are many that flat out knock me over, causing me either joy, nostalgia, or sadness the instant I hear them.  For simplicity sake, I will leave out wedding songs, as I plan on talking about them next month. 

Anyway, shortly after my post yesterday, I was FINALLLY caught up on my regular blogs (soooo hard during ICLW!  Now I know what's it's like trying to keep up with me!), and had started on ICLW blogs.  I came across one that shares a title of a song that is not well known, but that I know.  It's not one of the bowl me over songs, but it prompted me to grab Ichabod the iPod and listen to it.  Dreamer makes playlists on it, so sometimes when I turn it on, I am smack-dab in the middle of one of those lists, which are usually quite fun.  Today, though, I was hit by one of those songs..



I can't explain the EXACT scenario attached to this one, however, suffice it to say, it was a song someone played for me, how that person viewed our relationship, finding the times when we could be together, the difficulties, but still aching for that time.  It's one of those people with whom my relationship has been affected by IF...and it just hit hard when it came popping out of Ichabod.  What could have been in another time?  But realistically, we wouldn't have been introduced if it weren't for IF - and this person gave us the name of the clinic we use, which has led to this wonderful period of time.  Which I think is what makes it that much more bittersweet.  That I'm NOT sharing this with them now....



This song was on a cassette Sister made for me when I was in Namibia.  I have a thing for songs that make me feel wistful...this one just gets me.  I would put it on, especially when the rains starting coming and the thunder was rolling, and it became THE SONG that reminds me of my time there, my evenings watching my "brothers" and "sisters" playing in the yard as the sun went down.  For years it made me weep.  I wrote a poem shortly after I returned to the States and was dealing with a deep depression.  It mentions this song.  I think on my return anniversary this year I will do a post with it and some photos of my time there...Anyway, it's a memory, just as the one above is.  One of the lines is, "Most November nights I break down and cry, because I can't remember if I said goodbye."  I left Namibia in November, and there were so many people I didn't get to hug goodbye, who didn't understand my leaving...



I have mentioned this one before.  It is the song from which I took the lyrics for my IF tattoo.  It speaks of hope, hope for our children.  It doesn't make me sad, it doesn't make me happy, it just speaks to me of things that can be.  Of the idealism we are all harboring for a better world.  And the fact that sometimes, even the things that bring us joy cannot override the sadness. 



I listen to this on bad days...it gets me through.  Always reminds me that we are not alone, that we can get through, overcome.  Peter Gabriel knocks my socks off regularly, and this has been an anthem for years.  Don't give up, my friends...

Oddly, the songs coming to mind this morning do not involve the large quantity of women artists I adore, not sure why.  Because they are really who I listen to the most.  And they inspire me.  But these are a small sampling of the songs that are a big part of my life.  I could keep going, but this post might never end.  Perhaps there will be a Part 2 when the inspiration hits again.

Hope you enjoyed listening!

Photo Challenge: Perspective

Oh, yeah!  So excited to be able to participate in this!  I discovered thepunkrockmom this week during ICLW and am enamored.  And today starts her first Photo Challenge! 






This week's challenge is PERSPECTIVE.  Go check out her blog for the themes associated with this...but I am doing a couple entries...I wanted to do more, but knowing that I had a computer today, these are what I am going with, and perhaps next week I will be lucky enough to do more.  Here we go! 

Reflection From Above

Unique Perspective - everyone shoots the
Grand Canyon as this vast shot, sweeping views...
here it is with this fabulous tree as the focus,
something many people would not notice, with
the grandeur as a simple backdrop.

Edited to add the following:

Tree branch from the ground up
(for those of you who have seen this one before, sorry!)

2nd Edit:

A Person Close Up

A Difficult Question

MiraclesDHappen asked me how we feel that it's one and not two.  Were we hoping for two?  Someone I work with also posed a similar question.  It's pretty loaded as far as questions go...

Yes, we were hoping for twins.  We both have siblings, and we really wanted two children, and quite honestly, I'm not sure we'll be up for a FET next year...financially, if not emotionally.  We really want to donate those frosties to someone, help make THEIR dreams come true.  And it's weird to wonder....what happened to the other one?  Where did it go?  What could it have become? 

Please don't misunderstand me...we are THRILLED!!  But I am definitely a little sad, and weirded out by this life that might have been.  That my body just absorbed it.  I told my friend at work that I am trying not to think about it.  Because of the emotions attached to it. 

Does this make sense?  Is it normal?  To mourn this speck a little, even with the one we have growing quite happily in Helga right now?  I don't know how to feel! 

But to make this not a total downer post, I will leave you with the fun things you get to say to customers when you work with cell phones in a call center...remember there are a lot of touchscreen phones out there today.  So here are a couple snippets to make you smile whilst you contemplate my question.

• "Are you touching it?  Are you touching it right now?"  - When I overheard a friend say this I almost peed my pants.
• "Okay, now tap that.  Now tap it again."  We all get to tell people to Tap That multiple times a day.  Oh, the things that amuse you to get you through the day in corporate hell.

Seriously, though....need input!

May We Present....

...Itsybitsy.  We have one beautiful yolk and gestational sac :) 

It was so odd being in the RE's office, being pregnant.  In the sad place.  I felt bad being all excited and chipper.  But only a little!  The nurse who, with only a rare exception, does my blood draws mentioned that she remembers seeing us the first time we were there (or perhaps 2nd) and watching us leave and seeing how very sad we were.  And look at us now!  It is very surreal...

U/s each of the next 3 Mondays....boy is it going to be weird to NOT get all these updates when we transfer to an OB.  Speaking of which....time to make some calls tomorrow!  We need an appointment!

I am all grins today :)

Just Because: Favorite Children's Books

This post seems random, and it kind of is, but it's because the ever amazing K found this AMAZING BOOK!.  It blew me away, and is now on the top of my favorite children's books along with:

and

and

The first is my favorite Seuss book.  It was read to my Peace Corps group when we left for Namibia.  I read it to all my kids at camp.  And it was the reading at our Seuss themed wedding.  To me, one of the best things on paper.

The 2nd took me years to find after reading it when I was little.  YEARS.  It's really an environmental lesson, which I am a huge fan of.  I adore it, and have recently found out that there is a whole series! 

The 3rd was my favorite as a young girl to read to LilSis.  The music to the song is in the back of the book.  It is just one of the sweetest stories of all time, and a must read/have!

Just thought I would share.  You don't have to be a child to enjoy them.  Sometimes simple makes the most poignant and apropos statement, even to those of us embittered and cynical adults.  They are both good reads :)

It's rainy here, so, go sit, read a book, sip a hot beverage, and curl up with someone you love.

Seeking Peace and Calm

I have written about feeling lost in all of this IF madness.  About not knowing myself, and missing the me that I was.  I also know that I have changed in some ways that cannot be reversed.  But I can claim some of me back.  Not all of it has to stick.

Specifically, the angry, bitter parts.  In the last year I have gained and lost friends.  Some of those losses were based on good reasons...but I didn't handle them well.  Some of my anger was justified, and for that I will not apologize.  However, how I may have handled it....that's another story.  Some of the things I said were completely out of IF bitterness and jealousy and anger.  Just being irrational.  That's what this blog is for.  To get it out, crazy or not.  It doesn't necessarily mean it was the right thing to do.

So I need to find balance.  Just because I'm in the pregnant club does not take away the IF feelings.  I am already realizing this.  But I need to try not to lash out so much.  (Although, again, this is my blog, and if you choose to read it, I sort of feel like my rage has an outlet here and I say what I need to get it out of my system, sometimes very unfair and if that bothers you, don't read it.)  Realistically, we all say things when we are angry or upset that we don't mean deep down, right?  And I really dislike getting into face-to-face arguments, so I try to get out all the irrational stuff here. 

So perhaps I need to change the URL to make sure the people in my life that could be offended by what I write are no longer affected.  And I need to find positive again.  I need to get the crazy under control a bit.  Because I really am not a mean person.  Or a bitchy person.  I'm not.  But apparently make me IF, pump me full of hormones and take away my mood stabilizers and I become someone I don't particularly like.

New goal?  Make me a better person.  A lot of the damage of my words is irreparable, and in one particular instance, I am fairly okay with that.  I was very angry, and having certain people out of my life really is a good thing....it doesn't make me any less sad, though. 

I guess where I am going with this is that I am entering some sort of sadness with regards to what IF has done to me.  And while I am insanely happy about this pregnancy, I am sad about the things and people we lost getting here.  I feel badly for my out of control anger, and I resolve to be better.  To learn to breathe, and to make better decisions in general so as not to land myself in a situation that turns me into crazy bitch monger.

And after ICLW I am going to change the URL of this blog - don't worry, I'll get it posted on LFCA and whatnot!  But I think the change is needed...

p.s - I am not changing the NAME, just the URL, so that the people I don't want reading this have a more difficult time finding it.  I may take the link off my FB page as well.  I will make sure you all get a chance to update somehow!

5 weeks 0 days

Before I dive into the fun stuff, let me tell you that there was a looooong discussion last night. Boundaries were redefined, apologies made, and things are back to normal. All is okay for now. Thank you for the support :)

WEEKLY UPDATE

How far along: 5 weeks, 0 days
Total weight gain/loss: umm, about 5 lbs, all from IVF
Maternity clothes: no, but using a BeBand already from the IVF weight gain and bloat.  I'm assuming it will even out some point!
Stretch marks: way too early for those!
Sleep: All the time, but due to kidney issues (still not fully diagnosed) I have to move to a chair and sleep upright about halfway through the night.
Movement: way to early for that!
Cravings/Aversions: Food.  All food.  The things I dislike I seem to dislike more.
Gender: at this point, we have decided not to find out...let's see if we hold steadfast to that!
Symptoms: Incredible nausea associated with strong odors.  I can't empty the trash anymore because it makes me dry heave.  BBs are up a cup size (blaming the IVF, again).  Gas/constipation funness.
What I miss: Chai!!!  Big cup of morning tea...but it's already been over a month, so I'm getting used to it. SEX!!  But we are hoping to be cleared for that soon!
What I look forward to: seeing the heartbeat next week, passing the first trimester safely!
Moods: Great mood because I'm so happy about this, but if something irritates me, it REALLY irritates me. 
Milestones: WE'RE PREGNANT!  That's an amazing milestone!
Medical Concerns: elevated thyroid levels - taking Syn.throid 25 mcg daily (it is UNDERactive, not OVERactive as I first thought)
Weekly Wisdom: Sleep when I can, eat frequently
Best moment this week: Finding out the good news!
Worst moment this week: Pain from kidney crap

Time To Reiterate

This is MY blog, and if you don't like what it written here, don't read it.  I deleted the very out-of-line comment posted by one of Dreamer's friends on the last post because well, don't yell at me for using my own space to vent.  I didn't use anyone's names, I didn't give away identity, and I have every right to bitch on here. 

I shouldn't have to find out about things going on in my own house from a comment on my blog, not officially anyway.  So again, if you don't like it, be gone, and don't read it.  MY space.  MY blog.  MY therapy. 

Used and Abused

We won't have results on the u/s until tomorrow or Monday...and the pain has spread to my lower back. Maybe I am not being active enough? Ugh.

Okay, so the disrespect thing. One of our neighbors is 16, and he likes to hang out with Bro and Dreamer. We came home one night to no one home, but one of the neighbor's bowls just sitting on the sofa...???? WTF??? We had also told them that all-nighters were not okay (came downstairs a couple times to video game happiness at 6 in the morning) and said neighbor had to be out by 1 am if we were in bed. Which is fair. We pointed out that it is us paying the electric bill, plus, after some of DH's pain meds went missing, we don't really trust any of the young'uns right now.

We asked them all about the meds...of course NO ONE did it. Caught neighbor at the house still after 3 am the other night. Don't piss off a hormonal woman. Our food bill has more than doubled. DH's favorite knife is mysteriously broken..."It was like that when we took it upstairs to play with it." Umm, no it wasn't, and it's not a damn toy, and it's not yours! The quarters we save for laundry are all gone, and I brought THAT up...not even an apology. Just a kind of blank look.

They spent last night at Frog's. I imagine we are the bad ones now. Whatever. I went in their room to get laundry, and realized that none of the clothes she borrowd from me were in there...so WHERE DID THEY GO??? So I am not doing theirs. They aren't home, they spend all day in their room, and have been completely unthankful lately for having a place to stay.

In my laundry search, I did find a half gallon container sitting in the litter box...full of PISS. Seriously? The bathroom is 6 steps away. I left it in front of their door for whenever they come home. Bro gets a little money from working with DH a couple nights a week...they can pay for laundry. Time to grow up.

Oh, she might be Pg. Not that they told us that. But she told our other neighbor who felt I had a right to know. I don't know what to believe. They won't hold still long enough to talk, probably because I have been a little bitchy. But don't disrespect me, lie to me, and sure as shittin, don't do it when I am severely hormonal and going through a lot of emotional shit.

What did we do wrong??? Dear god, let me raise my child/children better.

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A Couple Things

1. I hate being disrespected in my own house. I am about to flip a shit on teen and tween agers. I know I opened my house to them, but respect should be paramount.

2. Please let us be cleared for sex again Monday when we go in for b/w and u/s because we would REALLY like to celebrate!

3. I know there was something else, but I don't know what it was. Oh! May have a functional computer very soon!!! Thank goodness...phone is so limiting!

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Overwhelmed

Can I just say that maternity clothes are expensive? I will definitely be hitting up Free.cycle. Wow. And we hit up Ba.bysR.Us, too. Holy shit! That was amazingly overwhelming...head spinning overwhelming. But I got all weepy...we get to go in there!

So many decisions to make. I don't necessarily feel that we will need a crib and stuff right away...baby on a budget. Bassinet, pack and play, portable stuff totally works is my thought. Wow.

Don't worry, we didn't jump the gun and so something crazy like register...just kinda casting out the feelers to see what is, well, out there. Shock is still here.

And I LOVE it!

Oh! And I totally took a picture of the test. LOL

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LOL - I POAS

And it says PREGNANT.  Tee hee.  It's digital, so it is done now, but I got to see it.  Woohoooooo!  That makes it feel so much more real.  And with my numbers doubling in under 48 hours, I am ecstatic! 

So, family reactions:  His mom cried :)  Have not spoken with my mom yet because she is on vacation, but my stepdad should have been able to tell her by now.  I am sure I will here from her as soon as she is back.  His dad is thrilled, as is mine, in his own way.

Sister kinda pissed me off.  She said something along the lines of, "Oh, now you can experience the woes of pregnancy with me!"  I pointed out I'm thrilled with any and all side effects and there are no woes here.  Oddly, she didn't respond.

Sad reactions: his grandmother is suffering from dementia and it was really difficult for Hubby to talk to her when she is like this.  She barely remembered who he was.  My grandmother is pretty ill lately, and told me she doesn't think she will be around when Itsy/Bitsy arrive. 

We got our first gift, from the neighbor whose laptop I am stealing.  A black onesie that says, "Learned to rock before I could walk."  LOL.  So adorable.  Hubby and I are going to drool tomorrow at the maternity store, Bab.ys 'R' Us, and to get me a Bella Band at Tar.get.  No purchases at the first store, just allowing ourselves to drool, revel in this. 

Hubby bought me a card - a "Mommy-to-be" card, and a bag full of mints for the nausea.  Oh!  And more gauze and tape for my PIO injections.  LOL.  A little gift bag.  Wasn't that insanely sweet?  He is SOOOO happy!

So, as I mentioned, numbers are great, and we are stoked for the u/s.  Hubby is of course convinced that we are having both Itsy and Bitsy.  I hope so :)  Which sounds kinda crazy, but I never wanted an only child...always wanted 2, and do not want to go through this again.  But I will be thrilled whatever the case to see proof on that grainy little screen. 

Not so hot news...got a follow-up call and it seems my thyroid is just as excited as we are, and is now getting a little overactive.  So tomorrow I start Syn.throid for the duration.  It could be worse, and I'm not really worried at this point.  One of the beautiful things about this process is all the testing and monitoring done very early in the process.  So, it's okay. 

Speaking of this process.  Again, I promise, this will NOT be all I write about.  It's just new, and overwhelming, and exciting. And I even feel a little bit of guilt that for us it was so quick.  I know how hard it can be to read the blogs of those of us who are Pg.  I have bawled over a large number of them myself.  I was happy for every one of them, but I cried a bunch.  And I don't want it to be hard for any of you.  But it will be here...it's unavoidable.  But I will strive for a good balance, I promise you that. 

Loves and hugs to you all!!!

Outrage Outloud!

Dave Hingsburger of Rolling Around In My Head has a very important post up. I am going to quote the whole thing here but, if you feel moved to either repost or take action as he asks, I am going to ask that you GO LET HIM KNOW!!

IN DAVE'S WORDS...

Warning: This post will be using a quote that includes the 'r' word. It is done only for the purposes of information and without the intent of promulgating the use of the word.

Toronto is less safe for people with intellectual disabilities now that people with disabilities are being defamed as part of the mayoralty campaign. I was innocently watching the news when a poster filled the screen. The poster had a picture of candidate Rob Ford beside a word bubble which said: You’d have to be retarded if you can’t see frickin’ water in front of you. I was brought up short. My heart started to pound and my teeth clenched. The 'R' word has a profound and negative impact on me emotionally.

I've always hated that word, or rather, the use of that word in hateful ways for the purpose of devaluing others. It's a word that is an attack on who people with intellectual disabilities are as individuals and an attack on the minority constituency to which they belong. It's a word that is outrageously harmful and it is used, no matter what people say, with full knowledge and intent. That the word hurts others has also been clearly stated by people with intellectual disabilities themselves, by their families and by the organizations that provide them support. This is not news.

At Vita Community Living Services, we were issued a challenge by our self advocate group. We were asked what we were going to do to make the community safer, to make the community a place where they could go without fear of hearing the 'r' word tossed about. We responded by creating a campaign wherein we distributed the words hit cards to all our members and all our staff, eventually we distributed them to self advocate groups and organizations around the world. We wanted to actively engage those who used the word. Further we developed a version of the card for Gay Pride where we marched for the first time. Our goal was both to confront those who use the word as well as to begin to build unity with other groups who have experienced negative taunts out of the mouths of bigots.

Then comes the campaign for the mayor's seat and because we live in modern times the discussion and debate has become nasty. The George Smitherman camp has decided to use words out of the mouth of candidate Rob Ford to bring him down. As such they created a website with electronic postcards that contain various quotes from the public record said by Rob Ford on various issues. One of the quotes uses the word 'retarded' in reference to signage. This campaign was everywhere. I saw it in the newspapers, I saw it on television, I easily found it on the web. I actually sent the electronic postcard to Manuela, Vita's Executive Director, both so she could see it as well as to find out how easy it is to simply forward this kind of hateful stuff onwards - it's easy.

I was angered.

At Rob Ford for using the word in this manner.

At George Smitherman for choosing this quote to highlight and as a result making the 'r' word so visible, so public, so accessible.

I was angered.

By the media for not bringing a disability perspective to the story. I can't imagine the media, had another word been used to disparage another minority, not interviewing or speaking to spokespeople wounded or damaged by that word.

I think Ford and Smitherman and even the Toronto media believe that we are a passive minority that might be offended but that will be silent. I think that all of us who have justifiable outrage at Ford's use of the word and Smitherman's promulgation of the word will simply shake our heads and go quietly away.

No more silence.

I immediately wrote both Ford and Smitherman. I demanded that Ford apologize for his use of the word and that he 'take the pledge' not to use the word again in that manner. I demanded that Smitherman take that electronic postcard off the site, apologize for choosing that quote and 'take the pledge'. I, of course, have heard nothing back from either side.

Here's where you come into the picture. I have a large daily readership. Many of you are faithful commenters. I would like you to take just five minutes from your day and contact both Ford and Smitherman and if you have time also a note to City Television which has a popular news programme here in Toronto. I'd also ask that you leave a comment here in the comment section to let me know that you've done this. It's a lot to ask. But we have to start using the muscle of our numbers and the motivation of our anger to make our voices heard. Don't worry if you are from outside of Toronto or outside of Canada, the international movement against the 'r word' needs to been seen, felt and most importantly heard. I have this wonderful image of those of you who live in parts of the world that are reading this just after publishing at midnight here in Toronto immediately writing letters, I imagine the Ford and Smitherman people openning their emails in the morning to discover international outrage. I imagine and I hope.

For those of you who have a personal blog, disability themed or not, who are looking for something to blog about, please join in and maybe we can blogswarm this topic. It's inappropriate for public figures to speak disparagingly of any member of the disability community. If you do blog about this, put the link in the comments so we can all visit and get a sense of the length and breadth of our community.

Here's how you get in touch:

Rob Ford who used the word:

Campaign Address

245 Dixon Road

Toronto, Ontario

M9P 3T4

Phone: 416.628.8576

E-mail: rob@robfordformayor.ca

The George Smitherman Campaign who is distributing the quote containing the word:

70 The Esplanade, Suite 201

Toronto, ON

M5E 1R2

T. 416.342.9674

E. info@georgesmitherman.ca

To a media outlet in Toronto:

news.to@citynews.ca

The world needs to be made safe for all - and we are finally realizing that we are part of 'all'.

Thanks 'y'all' for reading, for writing, for protesting, for expressing outrage.

Outrage OutLoud!

This is a huge thing for me.  It is unconscionable that this could end up being used in a campaign, let alone at all!  I can't begin to tell you the annoyance it brings me.  I have been part of several minorites at this point in my life, and bigotry annoys the hell out of me.  My mother works with children with autism.  I have friends with mentally disabled children.  This is just plain ignorant and unacceptable.  I will be writing.  A lot. 

Beta #2

Beta 2: 336 - just over doubling. Ultrasound in 1 week where we find out if it is twins or not...eek! Well, where we hopefully find out. This is feeling more real. I am going to go POAS twice...I want to see it for myself!

Home again..sadly, did not even bother with work today. Knew I would be miserable and very few positions are comfortable. Kidney and bladder u/s is Thursday. Although, they can't do much. LOL.

I have tons to write, and will have a laptop tonight, so for now I am out. Head is still spinning (she says with a huge grin!).

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I'm So Dizzy, My Head Is Spinnin'

Yesterday is all these little flashes of moments...text messages, phone calls, comments, silly me dancing, a moment where Hubby and I just stopped and held each other...

I am so happy. And so scared it won't last. I want the next beta, and to see the heartbeat. And oh, my! There is so much to do! But it is early. So I don't want to jump the gun.

My head is spinning...I will find a way to articulate better. But I also promise to not make this be all I talk about...though until that first u/s it may be touch and go.

I tried to work today, but my kidney is kicking my ass, and making me throw up. I made it 1.5 hours at work...and was really only on the phone for an hour. I am going to beg my doctor for an appointment in the morning after we do bloodwork because a plan is needed. I am scared of this, because of Itsy/Bitsy. It is a whole new world out there today....

Head spinning...world changed. Wow.

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Suck that you big IF monster!!

Beta = 149

I said, are you shitting me???

Beta #2 Monday!!!

Holy f'in shit!

Oh, and I may also have a baby bouncing kidney stone!

Friday the 13th

Seriously, today sucked. It didn't get any better after this morning.

My boss got fired.

I had to leave early due to a wicked migraine.

Only 5 of the remaining 18 embryos made it to freeze. 5. 7 viable embryos out of the original 26 eggs. 5 frosties.

Whatever.

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8dp5dt - Anger

I dreamt about getting AF for the 2nd night in a row.  Sigh.

The most commonly accepted stages of grief, as far as I could find, are based on the Kubler-Ross Model.  And in the last 11 months (almost to the day), I have gone through all of them.  But I hadn't had a really good phase of anger with regards SPECIFICALLY AND ONLY related to IF since April...until 3 am.  ***TMI WARNING*** 

I have had gas like you would not believe since ER, a bit before, but severely since then.  I am outgassing my husband, and let me tell you, that is no easy feat.  There is a reason I refer to him as my own personal Whoopie Cushion.  So, I went to bed pretty miserable last night.  I woke up an hour later even worse, and then discovered I was in a position I didn't even know was possible.  30 minutes on the damn toilet because I had constipation and diarrhea AT THE SAME TIME.  Oh, yeah.  How does that work?  Not very well, let me tell you.  And as I sat there sweating, nearly in tears, praying for relief, I got very angry.

Filled with rage angry.  And then I couldn't sleep for all the anger.  I had a whole list to write about, in fact.  But it's nothing I haven't said before, so I will spare you.  I finally slept for a couple of hours, and this morning am not only angry, but anxious, shaky, exhausted, and depressed.  All at once.  I am worn out.  I am tired of this all, and I am ready to be done.  I want to be elsewhere.  I want to leave it all behind.  I want to know what is going on in Helga right now.  I JUST WANT TO KNOW. 

And then I think, man, we have had it EASY.  We tried for 16 months, saw an RE, did testing, and over 6 months found out all of our shit, were left with only one option, and have pursued it.  No Clomid cycles, no IUI's, no injectibles with IUI.  Just this one, to date, PERFECT cycle.  I mean, it doesn't get more perfect.  I know so many of you amazing women who have been through more cycles than I can count.  I haven't charted in well over a year.  I haven't used an OPK or POAS except to ease someone else's mind.  I can't imagine doing this over and over and over.  Because those 16 months before we saw the RE and our world crashing down were hard enough.  I want my mind back.  I want my damn body back, and I WANT MY LIFE BACK. 

"It'll all be worth it..."  Whoever help me, I hope that is true.  Because I am done.  I need a new job; there are too many memories here dealing only with this.  I want to move on if I need to.  I want my happy drugs back so I can feel like a normal person for a while.  Stick a fork in me.  I AM DONE.

This is going to be the longest 24 hours of my life, and I just want to be in bed.  But no, I'm at work because we can't afford for me not to be.  How do you do it?  Ladies?  The ones who do this OVER AND OVER again...how????  I'm off my rocker now.  I bow down to you and your strength.  More power to you.

Article on Helping Infertile Women Cope

MiraclesDHappen posted this article this morning, and it is a FANTASTIC read.  I want to carry copies of it around to hand out to people.

How Friends And Family Can Support An Infertile Woman

Hope Award

Here's what you need to do ! Put that picture up that one up there on your blog and blog about one thing you're happy about right now and one thing that you're hoping for in the future. You are acknowledging something that's making you smile right now and also putting out there that you have hope for thing one amazing thing to happen in the future, for you to bring you even more happiness! Oh and then you have to pass this award onto anyone who you believe would benefit from looking at their surroundings, their life now and finding happiness in it !

Thank you so much to Erika at Pollination Chronicles for this award!!!  Thank you, sweetie!

SOMETHING MAKING ME SMILE RIGHT NOW:  Right at this VERY moment?  LOL.  Finding Nemo.  And the gentle summer rain making the house a bearable temperature while nurturing our parched land.  And in general, my friends and non-biological family who have become so important to me, who have provided support and asked for nothing in return during this tumultuous time.  It's been amazing to not only find solace in friends who have been and are where I am now, but also finding those little coincidences about our lives outside of IF that make those friendships that much better.  And knowing that my words can comfort someone else in return, thereby making my life feel that much more meaningful. 

SOMETHING I AM HOPING FOR IN THE FUTURE: Other than the obvious?  You all know that!  I hope that one day, Hubby and I are living in a place we love, with the ability to travel and show our children the amazing things of this world, and make other people see it somehow.  To do good.  To make a difference, and to wake up in the morning knowing that I am doing something that I feel proud of, that makes this existence worth the stay.  Because cubicle land is not that place.  LOL.  But I believe there has to be a way to make all of this happen.  Somehow...

And here are my nominees.

1. Rebecca at The Road Less Traveled
2. Hillary at Making Me Mom
3. Amber at Life in the Last Frontier
4. Sara Jean at Journeys Over The Rainbow
5. Claire at Lose To Gain

These are the ones I could think of off the top of my head.  And a special shout out to Nicole, who has her beta tomorrow, and Baby Bump Bound who has her beta Saturday, same as me.  There's at least one more this week, but sadly, I cannot remember who it is, and it's only because I follow so many of you.  I'm sorry.  So, if it's you, comment, and I'll add you to the list!

7dp5dt - Keeping Busy

Before I show you today's output (which ended up seeming like way less than it really was, but that's because I haven't made dinner yet), I thought I'd catch you up on any potential "symptoms" I have.  HAHA.

• BBS are still wicked sore...living in sports bras at this point.  Interesting new addition though, was a shooting pain starting in my right nipple and extending outward toward my armpit.  Weird, uncomfortable, and incredibly vague as far as symptoms go.  But it's the first time I've ever had that happen.
• At Musikfest the other day, it was 100 degrees and muggy as hell.  Most of the fest is down by the river, but part is up the hill on Main St.  We headed up the street, slowly, and I nearly passed out.  A few times.  Short of breath, mild chest pain.  Nausea. I'm not usually affected by the heat that badly, and everyone else was fine.  The near fainting happened a couple of times.  It freaked me the HELL out. 

So, there you have it.  In less than 48 hours I will know.  One way or the other.  And I've realized that no matter which way it goes, I am going to end up spending a lot of the day letting people know....after I finish crying.  I am completely and utterly not sure how to pick up the phone.  Hubby may not be able to be here.  Conference call?  How do you answer that call?  That oh-so-important-life-altering call? 

Anyway, enough of that.  Here's how I kept busy today!

Pina Colada mini-loaves and....

mini-muffins...and may I say...they are DIVINE!!!

Apple Crisp (this is the easy one!)

And fresh pico de gallo, or salsa, whatever you want to call it.
This will go with rice and bean burritos for dinner .... numminess!

So, that's today's busy factor.  It's too bad I have to work tomorrow...I have a plan for egg salad, Thai Curry, and Lasagna.  Obviously, nausea is NOT an issue for me right now.  Instead, it is curtailing my insane hunger.  I am eating things in the WEIRDEST combinations.  Oh, food, how I love thee.  My grocery bill knows the answer to that!

Wordless Wednesday: A Day At Musikfest

Yesterday was spent at Musikfest, where we discovered this man.  Now, Musikfest is full of crafty and musical goodness, and I am usually really good at resisting, and instead just build a wishlist, but he is AMAZING, and I will be cleaning to his music today.  Anyway, on to the photos (and I never take normal photos, so it's a mish-mash).  Enjoy!

Fence at the garden on the grounds

Butterfly in the garden

Why we go...Seamus Kennedy!

Me, Littlest, and her b/f doing a clap along game to Seamus!

Little girl on the super bounce thing I can't go on....

My friend's son - such a ham!

B/f, Littlest, Me, DH

A view of the river in Bethlehem

The insane crowds as evening approaches

A sepia sunset

Happy Wednesday!

5dp5dt

3 days off...and I have a plan to stay distracted...although after Sunday's meltdown something in me seems to have shut off. I am numb, removed again. I don't feel like an emotional basketcase, which quite frankly, worries me. Hmmm.

Anyway, THE PLAN!!

Today: Musikfest (no puter today, so no link...sorry!) With Littlest and her b/f, and later other friends. Tonight - movies on the couch.

Wednesday: CHORES! I have laundry to put away, vaccuming to do, a bathroom to clean, and I think I will organize books until night when friends come over for movies.

Thursday: Chica and I are going to bake like fools. Pina Colada muffins/bread, apple crisp, etc. And make food for the week.

Friday is work. Then the BIG DAY! Sooo nervous. I am not going to want to answer the phone. I don't FEEL pregnant, but at this stage, I wouldn't. Meh. I don't know.

I am going to borrow a laptop tomorrow to show you Musikfest! Oh! Our hard drive is officially fried, so no relief in sight.

Happy Tuesday! I am off to get ready :)

P.S. I WILL NOT POAS is my mantra.

Fishing for Sane - An Explanation

Went fishing this morning, and I caught Crazy Genevieve!  I've got her on the hook now, struggling a bit, but caught for the moment.  Long enough for me to exlplain about the BBS thing.  Or at least try, from a semi-rational point of view.

Okay, for a Leo, I am weird about wanting attention.  I like it, but I like it the way I want it, when I want it.  Yeah, there might be more to that cat thing than I realized...

Anywho, I am very self-conscious about my body, and I definitely have some tran tendencies.  I have always known that the most difficult part about being pregnant would be my BBS getting big and fairly obvious.  I'm just not comfortable with them.  I don't know how else to explain it.  I like to look sexy.  Sometimes.  Most days I just want to be comfortable.  And my body is defying me right now....it's taken over and it's saying, "Ha!  You aren't in control anymore!"  That would be another one of those Leo traits I got....

So for me to be uncomfortable in my skin and getting stares and comments is difficult.  Plus, the biggest downside to being out about my IF is that EVERYONE is tracking my progress.  So, bigger BBS = pregnancy, and everyone thinks I should be thrilled and that it's a definite.  I know better.  Hello?  Progesterone?  (Oops, let me tighten up the reel a bit....there!)

So, it's a comfort thing.  I am more comfortable being androgynous.  I know it doesn't make sense in the realm of wanting to become a mother.  It's something I am going to learn to live with.  And it's fine.  It's just an adjustment.  But I wanted to explain. 

In the vein of learning to love myself, I am posting one of my favorite empowerment songs.  Enjoy, and Happy Monday (which was not so perfect, but oh, well).

Goddammit

I think I am okay, and then reality blindsides me. Thought I was over the whole Frog and Pixie thing. Until I got to work this morning.

I usually check for his car. So that if I have to avoid him I can. It wasn't there. Told hubby to let Bro know he should check on baby status...sure enough, she's on the way. I cried, and then said not to tell me anything else. And put it aside...until right before the end of the shift. I work with several of his friends. And they got a text about it happening very shortly...which got shown to me. I said I already knew, and then I lost it. And had to leave. With 8 minutes left in the day. Pathetic.

I was supposed to be her godmother. And the labor coach. I helped with the nursery and sorting baby clothes...and now I am nothing and in this shitty wait. And IT SUCKS HAIRY DONKEY BALLS. And I don't care if it is irrational and if I should be over it at this point. I just don't want to hear about it. But Bro lives here...totally unavoidable. Updates nonstop. Fuck my life.

And if ONE MORE GODDAMN PERSON MENTIONS THE SIZE OF MY BOOBS I WILL LOSE IT!!!!

Vent and freak out over. Huge apologies. Gonna go shoot up some progesterone now.

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Eavesdropping

Hubby works Saturday nights late, so I stay at a friend's house around the corner (and by the way, apparently it's strange to WANT to walk home at 10:30 pm...). 

Text conversation from this morning.

• DH: Why are you at work so early?
• Me: Couldn't sleep, couldn't sit still.
• DH: I sry.
• Me: It's ok. I am so anxious.
• DH: Tell Itsy and Bitsy to hang in there and I will talk to them later.
• Me: I will baby.  Dammit, now I am crying.

Yesterday I wanted to kill him.  Today...he does that.  I love that man.

All Over The Place - 2dp5dt

Before I get into anything, big congrats to Jess at Glass Case Of Emotion - she won the Giveaway :)

Oh, and thank you for all the fabulous ideas about the name.  Binsau as a middle name sounds kinda funky to me, and I don't want to torture my child with the hyphenated Binsau-Richardson.  Eek!  We shall see, though, I suppose.

I don't even know where to start today.  And this is probably going to be realllly rambling.  I am going back to work because I can't stand sitting on my butt anymore.  I made a metric shit-ton of zucchini mini loaves and mini-muffins yesterday, after the 24 hours was up, to keep myself sane.  I took a bag of the mini-muffins with me to the clinic this morning...

We had our progesterone check this morning.  Which made me realize that today is potentially the 2nd to last time we will be there...which freaked me the hell out.  And they are moving offices, too, which, I don't know, is weird.  I don't know why.  Don't argue with a severely hormonal woman.

What do I know?  I know that since we have Hatchers, if this worked, it worked yesterday.  I know that I am super protective of my belly.  I know that we played music to them last night, and that Hubby doesn't go anywhere without first talking to the belly and telling them how much we want them.  I know that we framed the picture of Itsy and Bitsy and that I've been showing off their photo like people do with their children.  I know that if this doesn't work, I want my damn body and mind back.   I can't fit into maternity clothes, but I am definitely in my "fat" pants".  And baggy shirts.  And if I get pregnant, then I am totally good with that.  But right now it's like a tease...

I know that I don't get to say I'm pregnant, not for real, not yet.  Maybe not ever.  And I know I am supposed to think positively, but it is SO DIFFICULT.   I can't even imagine it at this point.  And I'm tired of the waiting game, and at the same time, terrified for this cycle to be over, because then what?  I am making an appointment with my GP for 3 days after the test.  That way, if it's positive, I've had my 2nd beta, and can ask for an OB referral to get a jump on it.  And if it's not, he can refill my happy drugs and I can go on those so that by the time the real breakdown hits, I will already be medicated.  Is that crazy?  I just don't want to be blind-sided.  Hey, the benefit of all this "no surprise" crap, is that you can be uber-prepared.   

The insomnia is back, as of the night before the transfer.  Last night wasn't as bad, thank goodness.  I don't know how to feel.  Everyone is treating me as though I am pregnant, and I'm going with it, but I feel like an imposter.  And it's not like if I had "early pregnancy symptoms" I would know.  With all the hormones and things my body has been through, it wouldn't know a real symptom if it got bit on the ass.  Seriously.  I've moved onto sports bras because of the BBS being bigger and fuller and oddly not mine.  We already know about the pants.  And anything else you can think of can be attributed to the hormones.  So it's just a waiting game.

And I'm not trying to freak anyone out, I'm just freaked out myself.  I just want to know I'm not totally off the deep end.  That it's okay to be a little paranoid/freaked out/uber-emotional right now.  Is it? 

Photo Friday: Travel and 200th/300th Blog Roundupl!

Today is a big day in Photo posts.  It's our usual Photo Friday, brought to us by the fabulous Calliope at Creating Motherhood.  Today's topic is Travel, so I pulled out some photos of, well, various forms of transportation taken while I was travelling!  The 2nd part of it is the anniversary of Mel's Blog Roundup.  To that end, we are posting pics of cake and writing about what the ALI community means to us. 

So here we go!

This is a vestige of Old Route 66, smack dab in the middle of Petrified Forest National Park.

A view of Fisherman's Wharf from the top of Lombard Street. 

Road trippin' with Mom.  Yes, she always hugs the wheel.

Hot Air balloons getting ready to lift off in Sedona, AZ.  It was one of the most fabulous things in the world to do!

Now, the 2nd part....for the cake, here is my wedding cake! Total cheese, and we loved every face-smooshing moment of it :) 

But what's important here is our community, and what it means to us.  Where to start???  In March of this year I was lost, in despair. And VERY alone.  A friend said, "I have a friend who did IVF and was successful."  The last thing we want to hear, right?  But he wore me down, and I emailed the friend.  His wife had blogged about all they went through, and she was my first contact in this community.  To this day, I owe her ... the gift of this community.  So, thank you to Andrea for the welcome and support she gave me when I was blind and stumbling. 

What this community has given me is a support system that I cannot get IRL. Women (and occasionally men) who completely and utterly understand what my husband and I are going through, suffering through.  I get insight into our disease.  I get the pleasure of holding up those same women when they need it, just as they do for me.  I get to read AMAZING posts that are so moving, so insightful, so beautiful as to move me to tears, and make me really THINK about my life.  I get to read posts that make me pee my pants laughing, which on the bad days, cannot be beat.  And I get to create those posts as well. 

And I am pretty sure I could go on and on and on about this.  But the important thing is that I feel love, support, joy, sadness with these women, a connection that I could not live without now that I have it, and for which I am eternally grateful.