30 Day Infertility Blog Challenge: Day 10

10.Other than the song “I Would Die For That,” post a video of a song that has special meaning to you and your infertility journey. Explain it, if you’re comfortable doing so.

Music has been a constant in my life, since before I can remember.  My grandmother sang with the Philadelphia Orchestra (they were invited to Di's wedding!), and my mother and aunt's all sung.  In particular, my youngest aunt is a musician still, who teaches now.  LilSis is an amazing singer, Sister is fairly good.  Someone is always playing music or singing at my parent's house.  My dad can name songs from his generation in as little as 1 note sometimes.  I can't imagine a life without music.

I have always turned to music for solace.  Always.  When I was a bad teenager, my parents didn't ground me, they took my radio.  For me, a much harsher punishment.  One word can often trigger a song from the memory banks and then be stuck in my head for days.  There are many songs which I turn to for comfort.  Many of those remained the same throughout our struggle.  But one, one song in particular, became a beacon of hope for me.  And its words are now tattooed across my rib cage.  

Some of you know this, and some don't.  Either way, here is that song: The Cool Cool River by Paul Simon. Embedding was disabled, sorry :-(


Here are the lyrics;


Moves like a fist through the traffic 
Anger and no one can heal it 
Shoves a little bump into the momentum 
It's just a little lump 
But you feel it 
In the creases and the shadows 
With a rattling deep emotion 
The cool, cool river 
Sweeps the wild, white ocean 

Yes boss. the government handshake 
Yes boss. the crusher of language 
Yes boss. mr. stillwater, 
The face at the edge of the banquet 
The cool, the cool river 
The cool, the cool river 

I believe in the future 
I may live in my car 
My radio tuned to 
The voice of a star 
Song dogs barking at the break of dawn 
Lightning pushes the edge of a thunderstorm 
And these old hopes and fears 
Still at my side 

Anger and no one can heal it 
Slides through the metal detector 
Lives like a mole in a motel 
A slide in a slide projector 
The cool, cool river 
Sweeps the wild, white ocean 
The rage of love turns inward 
To prayers of devotion 
And these prayers are 
The constant road across the wilderness 
These prayers are 
These prayers are the memory of god 
The memory of god 

And I believe in the future 
We shall suffer no more 
Maybe not in my lifetime 
But in yours I feel sure 
Song dogs barking at the break of dawn 
Lightning pushes the edges of a thunderstorm 
And these streets 
Quiet as a sleeping army 
Send their battered dreams to heaven, to heaven 
For the mother's restless son 
Who is a witness to, who is a warrior 
Who denies his urge to break and run 


Who says: hard times? 
I'm used to them 
The speeding planet burns 
I'm used to that 
My life's so common it disappears 
And sometimes even music 
Cannot substitute for tears

The last 2 lines (minus the "and") are the lines I had tattooed on my ribcage.  I wrote about this song for a post last year.  (Incidentally, it has a photo of the tattoo...and my much skinner pre-prego self, LOL) Actually, it was just over a year ago, the day I started my Lupron shots for our IVF cycle!  Holy moly!  (That was July 9th last year...*shakes head* I can't believe it's been a year!)


Anyway, looking at those lyrics, he talks about anger and no way to overcome it, and he talks about hope, and he speaks to a child, about the future, and what he hopes for the future of his child.  I had always loved that song.  And then when IF hit us, it became even more potent.  It spoke to me.  Of our struggle.  Of our hopes.  And, lastly, that sometimes, even the one thing we can always count on cannot always heal us.  When you listen to the song, especially the live one I linked to, you HEAR the anger, you HEAR the hope, you hear the pain.  And that is why those lyrics became my IF tattoo (which is still a work in progress).  


It holds some of my hopes and prayers for my son...and it will always be a song I turn to, when I can't quite speak what I need to, what I feel...