Monday, July 18, 2011

30 Day Infertility Blog Challenge: Day 16

I missed a day with being at Nana's and P being sick!

16.If you are not yet a parent: What are you MOST looking forward to about parenthood? If you are a parent: What is the most surprising thing about being a parent? If you have taken the childfree path: What is the most surprising part of living childfree after infertility?

So far, the most amazing thing is how utterly inept I feel on a regular basis.  I grew up with younger sisters.  I can't even remember the first diaper I changed.  I was holding babies when I was a baby.  And then they sent me home from the hospital after major surgery, barely able to walk, with a preemie!  What the hell were they thinking????

Some of it comes so naturally.  And some of it...some of it is like I have never seen a baby before.  

But the most surprising part?  It's how utterly P has changed me.  How connected I feel to him.  How his smile can fix a horrid day.  How much I would rather spend the day in bed with him nursing and cuddling than any other thing.  How much the sound of his cry can break my heart.  (Case in point, he cried for the last 20 minutes of our drive home last night, and I was in tears) 

I have heard countless parents tell me that they have never loved anyone so much as their child.  It's hard to comprehend.  I thought, right, of course.  And then P came.  And I finally understood.  Down to the core of my being, he is why I live.  He is the reason I work my shitty job.  He is the reason for EVERYTHING some days.  I have never known a feeling like this.  

My entire world shifted.  I really wasn't expecting that.  I didn't expect to flip out over little things...once I know those things are okay, I am fine.  But to call my husband in a panic because of something miniscule, rush to the doctor, only to have that thing now gone?  LOL.  I have to be PERSUADED to go to the doctor myself, but for him, the world ends, time stops, until I can make it better.

So that's the thing that takes my breath away.  The love.  How deeply it runs.  I really had no idea.  I blew it off, and then became THAT mom...the one who gushes every day about her little boy.  Who takes thousands of pictures.  Who thinks the world revolves around making him smile.  I try to reign it in, but I can't seem to do it.  

Who knew love could be like this?  Apparently, not me.  I will never scoff at someone again when they say that everything changes.  They were all right.  And I was blown away.

1 comment:

  1. It is so hard to explain to someone the changes that happen once you see that tiny baby....:) You said it great.


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