Meltdown

I was doing so well. It figures I'd meltdown the night before joining the real world again. I was at Frog & Pixie's, and just....lost it. They were in rare cuddle form. And I was so jealous. DH and I don't do that really anymore. We don't randomly decide to go do the BD (I can't remember the last time). The whole 2 separate lives thing knocked me down hard.

So I took a bubble bath and calmed myself down and settled in to watch a movie with them...."The Morgans." WARNING: It has IF stuff in it. That did it. I saw 2 damn scenes and went ballistic. It's a good thing the only item of use on their porch was a broom or their porch would be destroyed. Didn't calm me down. So I cleaned their bathroom. I really scared them. I couldn't talk. I cried and I cleaned.

My cycle is started and it's all so real and I'm so terrified. And I have to go back to work. I came home and found DH and the neighbors doing shots. Grabbed the bottle and did 4 shots in about 10 minutes. That was a bad idea. I'm on way too many meds for that shit. I made myself throw it all up.

I asked F&P to come over. I wanted all of my loves with me. I wanted to cuddle with them all. I wanted them to spend the night, but they didn't realize that. But they stayed for the discussion. I told DH everything....that Frog is in fact involved in what Pixie and I do. That I can't stand him not knowing. That I spend so much time there because I need as much physical contact as I can get. That I love them. And the bombshell...

Pixie had a rash in her girly parts a while back. Then Frog did....Turns out it's Herpes, but they didn't know what type. Their tests came back inconclusive because it was their first breakout. So I got tested. Yup, I gave them freakin Herpes. And probably DH, too. I feel like Typhoid Mary. It's Type 1, very common....something like 80% of people carry it. I told DH about that last night, too. Frog went into more detail for him. Poor DH. I dumped a LOT on him last night.

And he handled it like a champ. I couldn't believe it. He held me all night while I cried. He repeatedly told me he loves me and that he doesn't want me to change and if I need them in my life that's fine with him. And that we'll get through all of this. And that I'm not terrible. And that I'll make it through this cycle. And that I can make it through work. And that WE will make it. And that I am worth it for him.

I feel so undeserving. I wanted to go to sleep last night and not wake up. I'm crying now. And I have to get a shower and pull myself together. I have to be this strong person that everyone says I am. I'm so scared....