Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Still Crazy After All These Pills

The above title post should be sung to Simon and Garfunkels "Still Crazy After All These Years". I'm thinking of rewriting the whole song....hmmmm....that would give me something to do for the next 2 weeks.

That's right, bleeps. Another 2 weeks off in crazy-land. I have to fight THE MAN a bit harder for these 2, but that puts me back at work a mere week before starting my IVF cycle. LOL. The irony is awesome.

So, update on crazy land is as follows: still barely sleeping (Insomnia, I hate you). Still having panic attacks, just not as frequently. Still breaking down crying randomly. Well, breaking down and no tears come because of the meds, but still. So, verdict is...da da dum: keep Zo.loft dose the same and give it 2 more weeks to stabilize me. Stay on At.avan for attacks. Add Lu.nesta for insomnia. And continue to relax and hide from the world and situations that make me freak out. And find a therapist I like and can deal with.

Now, I am supposed to be GAINING weight before my cycle because I'm on the low end of healthy for my height and what not. I struggled to put weight back on after my initial drop of 10 lbs in January right after DH's Dx. I got there. But I've lost a few. I'm losing ground. Turns out Zo.loft can cause weight loss. I'm gonna have to break out the big guns.

Also, RE nurse says I will most likely have to discontinue Zo.loft while cycling, along with all my other happy drugs. This terrifies me. I'll finally get to a point where I can deal (I hope) and then have to stop those meds and start all the hormones that will make me WORSE!!! How on earth am I going to work? Only saving grace is the intermittent (read UNPAID) FMLA for which I have been approved once I do go back to the real world. Oh, yeah, I'm relaxing. No problem.

I want to apologize for being a Debbie Downer. I try not to dump ALL of this on friends and family, because then they don't want to talk to me. Who would? So I vent it all out here. I know that's the point, but I hate being a whiny bitch.

Having said that, I would also like to thank all of my bleeps who commented on yesterday's post with fantastic advice and support regarding marriage and IF. I REALLY appreciate it. You ladies make my day sometimes. So, Thank You Very Much :)


  1. I'm so sorry that you've been tumbling through Crazyland - sometimes the only way to get where you want is to go trudge through the Forest of Anxiety, wade through the River of Unexplained Tears, and crawl through the Desert of Insomnia.

    Venting is good. That's why all blog, right? I hope you find a therapist you like - a good therapist makes all the difference in the world.


  2. I'm tapering off my medicine for IVF. Hope I do ok! The insomnia bites, but after a few weeks I started sleeping like a baby.

  3. Woops, if a technology was there, I would have shared a few kilos with you...I have an issue with weight loss rather than weight gain.

    I hope the bum symptoms fade away to Xillionia.

  4. No need to apologize for venting on your blog. That's what blogland is for, right? I hope things go okay when you have to go off the meds. Best wishes!

  5. Fertility pills make me loopy. Folks just stop, stare, and point now. Hang in there.

  6. I love you for writing about happy pills. I feel like the IF community could benefit from more open talking and sharing about the mental 'health' tools that are available to us. I was a true basket case by the time a therapist suggested that I start taking something. I was so hopeless and depressed, had started having panic attacks again, and was generally a blithering idiot, and all. I am a believer that we should all walk of the very first RE/UR appt with a prescription, to use if and when we think it might be helpful. When I finally did start taking ssri's they told me that I could take them through treatment and ivf, until the third trimester, then again after birth.

    I hope that you are feeling some sense of calm and control again.


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