Monday, May 10, 2010

Wanting to be Wanted

Yesterday I retreated to Frog and Pixies for cuddles and love. I needed to be held. And to cry....which I did in spades. DH was at work, and, well, not around. I don't think he knows what to do with me. How to comfort me. He retreats into games and to his friend who acts as though he is 12, driving me up the wall.

I know I am blessed not only to have a husband who adores me, but also Frog and Pixie who love me. I am thrice blessed in love. I can feel F and P's love, and how much they want me there, want to hold me. I don't always feel that with DH. He wants so badly for me to be okay that he lets me go and be elsewhere, not understanding I go there to get what he withholds.

Have I told him this? Not in so many words. I don't want him to feel guilty. He's let me spend the last 2 weeks moping, watching TV, crying, and basically whatever else I want to do. Makes me sleep in. (Now if only I could get him to do housework). But what I want most from him is to be feel the want and love flowing off of him.

I'm a very physical person....I crave touch. I NEED touch. He needs to hide. I get that. I get that we handle things differently. I suppose if I can get what I need from anyone, then I should count myself lucky, but I miss the passion. All of this has taken that away from us. It's all finances, medicine, and even BD is lacking. Because it's hard to see the point. How terrible does that sound????

Does anyone else feel this in their marriage? That IF has turned it into a passionless void? *Sigh*. Maybe I'm just hard to please. Maybe once we are actually cycling it will be better. I dearly hope so.


  1. It will get better. I felt like this a lot. I felt like he didn't understand, like he didn't feel it as hard as I did.
    It was especially bad in the beginning of his Azoo diagnosis and subsequent failed treatments.
    I know he's not trying to be an ass or unkind.. but he deals with this Very differently then I do.
    Things are gotten much better since I have started feeling more Normal about everything.
    What you are going through is hard and totally normal!

  2. We had our share of ups and downs during treatment and cycling. We went through years of trying, and it's not easy. The emotional toll is high, and of course that's going to have some affect on your marriage. I turned to my mom for comfort, because my husband didn't seem able to. We did need to talk more, and we did get better at it slowly. Basically, I vowed to bring the wow back. I bought a cd that had basically stripping music, got some rockin' lingerie, and seduced my husband. No, really, I did. I think I needed to remember that I'm a woman, a desirable one at that, just as much as he needed to be assured. HE worried that he was a failure too, for not making my dreams come true.

    Fact is, it's a marathon. You both will get tired, wondering what the heck you got yourself into, and wonder if you will ever cross the finish line. The rest of us, are just cheering you on over here!

  3. My DH can be the same way and I hear you--it's hard. One of the things I've learned in marriage is that sometimes you have to *tell them* what you need. I understand what you're saying about not wanting your husband to feel guilty, but he can't read your mind and he needs to know what you need so that he can provide it. Otherwise, he'll just continue to act the same way and you'll eventually come to resent him for it.

    Talk to him. Or even show him your blog post. I think it will make you feel better.

  4. Thanks for the comment on my blog.

    Yes - there were many times my marriage felt like a distant mirage - I had to crawl my way back many times. No doubt about it - it is SO HARD. Hang in there.

  5. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. One thing I've learned during this whole IF journey is that Men, by nature, like to fix things, but with IF, they can't fix this. And not being able to fix us, when we are hurting, hurts them too. They feel helpless, and sometimes pull away.

    But I agree, I think you need to tell your DH what you need. Communication is important. You may feel like you don't have to, or that he should know to hold you, but honestly, men are thick.

    I'm a firm believer in Date Nights, that might be something you could try to reestablish the passion in your marriage. When you are "together" focus on the love that you have for him, and not the babymaking itself. Harder than it sounds, yes, but its a start.


  6. Men are kind of weird. I think there is a direct line between their brains and the bank account. They don't understand that in between that line is US. We need reassurance that we are loved and wanted and needed.

    HUGS. will turn out OK. It really will. He's probably having emotions like you are too, but doesn't want to worry you with his own issues. This whole IF thing sucks. :( xoxox

  7. I think men get the fertility blues too only they don't know how to express it verbally so it comes across as something else. I've resulted in blunt force asking "are you sad our second baby was ectopic?" etc. It totally works.

  8. I am definitely part of Team "IF Has Made Marriage Hard." A lot of people talk about how it made their marriage stronger--but while it may have ultimately done that, I wish it wasn't this exact way...I've been in therapy since early fall to try and help me get things back together. My therapist says we are the typical "turtle and rabbit" couple--I want to run and hide and cry and wallow when I am sad, he wants to come after me, push for an answer, and solve the problem. Not what you mentioned in your marriage--but another frustrating way to be nonetheless. I am trying to remember that it was this quality so opposite of myself that probably attracted me to him in the first place--so that I can stop focusing on it as a negative.
    Marriage is hard work sometimes WITHOUT IF. And then you get hit with it--and it sticks around for a sucks.
    But you'll get through it. I promise you will.

  9. It was hard for my husband, seeing me so hurt and broken and not able to do or say anything to fix it. He did know just to hold me (he still has to do this relatively often--the pain of IF just keeps on coming!), but sometimes he still upsets me because he doesn't seem to care as much about all this as I do. I think menfolk just don't show it in the same way, but also I do think it's generally harder on us than they can possibly comprehend. I'm sorry and I know how very hard Mother's Day is in the midst of IF. I hope today is a better day!


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