Pixie and I went for a walk the other day...by the canal and river in our town. It was a treat to me to see another part of our town, and to have an excuse to take more photos. Spring is in full bloom, and Mother Nature, my goddess, is quite the busy lady. Her work is everywhere to be seen, heard, smelled, felt, touched.....Can you see this flower? Can you imagine it's soft petals, it's odor, the buzzing of bees around it? I hope you can.
The downside to this walk was the very obvious part of Spring in Mother Nature's world...offpspring. Cute, fuzzy, toddling offspring. There were a myriad of nesting ducks, as well as this gaggle of geese and goslings. The most adorable sight. And then I went downhill. For 2 days. The beauty of this birth and growth and natural occurrence with the cycles of Earth...that I have to put myself through torture very soon to accomplish kind of hit me hard.
When DH and I started TTC, I had any number of ideas of how I would announce to him that he was going to be a father. It's his dream. More, even so, than it was mine when we first met. He will be an incredible father...it's why I married him. It's saved me from wanting to shoot him sometimes. LOL. I thought of onesies, cards, some sort of clue....slipped onto his pillow, on his recliner. Something to surprise him with this wonderful news. I have been robbed of that. He will know everything when I do. There will be no surprise announcement. We will walk through this together. Which maybe is better. But I still feel robbed. For our family members not following our struggle too closely we may be able to provide a surprise. But realistically, the surprise is all gone. One night of love will NOT create our darling baby. Instead, needles, doctors, and a lot of luck will.
So, Mother Nature, I love you. You are my guide, my love, my peace....but you mock me right now. I am conflicted about you. Damn you and your harmonious cycles. But thank you for the reminder that life bursts anew with regularity and grows and changes.
So - this one made me cry. Trading in those dreams for new ones, ones that aren't as pretty is a hard thing to do. {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteI know, this sucks. I hate not being able to experience the "normal" excitement. We wont even be able to surprise our family since they are well aware of what's going on. Ah well. I'll get a surpise in there somehow!
ReplyDeleteugh. Mother Nature can be such a heifer sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIt's going to turn out OK. I just know it. AND, there will be surprises that will make it better along the way. Sure, there will be lots of non-surprises...which will make the real surprises more special. (what a sentence, right?)
Beautiful pictures!! When I was in grade school, I used to think I wanted to be a photographer. I practiced by taking about 800 million pictures of our cat, LOL, but as it turned out, I never even took a photography class. It's funny how things change. I also used to think I wanted 2 or 3 kids. Now I'd give anything for just one.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of things I am grieving myself. Who knows if I ever get there, but if I do, the excitement will be very 'different'. However, I know there would be other aspects of the experience I will appreciate much more (((HUGS))) to you.
ReplyDeleteYeah, mother nature is conflicting like that. love the photos.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you - I didn't want to tell anyone we were TTC because I wanted to surprise them with our good news. Instead everyone knows we're trying & each month they hold their breath and when they don't hear from us - they already know. Onto the next cycle. It has robbed us of the "fun part" of finding out you're pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI've thought of those little things people take for granted that I feel as though I've been robbed of before too. I always kind of dreamed of that period of "trying" with my hubby, and now "trying" will always involve extensive medical procedures. That kind of takes the fun out of it, doesn't it!
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note, that flower is gorgeous!
Oh, me too. It seems like every month has an opportunity to make a special announcement: Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, heck I even once imagined a St. Patrick's Day baby announcement (getting lucky and all).
ReplyDeleteSo many plans laid, big ones and small, that get thwarted by the drag of IF. I'm trying to look at the sprung wildflowers and butterflies and seeing if my body just won't get with the program and sync up with the blooming of life that is spring!