Pixie and I went for a walk the other day...by the canal and river in our town. It was a treat to me to see another part of our town, and to have an excuse to take more photos. Spring is in full bloom, and Mother Nature, my goddess, is quite the busy lady. Her work is everywhere to be seen, heard, smelled, felt, touched.....Can you see this flower? Can you imagine it's soft petals, it's odor, the buzzing of bees around it? I hope you can.
The downside to this walk was the very obvious part of Spring in Mother Nature's world...offpspring. Cute, fuzzy, toddling offspring. There were a myriad of nesting ducks, as well as this gaggle of geese and goslings. The most adorable sight. And then I went downhill. For 2 days. The beauty of this birth and growth and natural occurrence with the cycles of Earth...that I have to put myself through torture very soon to accomplish kind of hit me hard.
When DH and I started TTC, I had any number of ideas of how I would announce to him that he was going to be a father. It's his dream. More, even so, than it was mine when we first met. He will be an incredible father...it's why I married him. It's saved me from wanting to shoot him sometimes. LOL. I thought of onesies, cards, some sort of clue....slipped onto his pillow, on his recliner. Something to surprise him with this wonderful news.
I have been robbed of that. He will know everything when I do. There will be no surprise announcement. We will walk through this together. Which maybe is better. But I still feel robbed. For our family members not following our struggle too closely we may be able to provide a surprise. But realistically, the surprise is all gone. One night of love will NOT create our darling baby. Instead, needles, doctors, and a lot of luck will.
So, Mother Nature, I love you. You are my guide, my love, my peace....but you mock me right now. I am conflicted about you. Damn you and your harmonious cycles. But thank you for the reminder that life bursts anew with regularity and grows and changes.