A Story of Doubt

I am still being completely unproductive. Every morning I get up and say, "I'm going to do this...or this...or whatever" and then I lay on the couch, watch tv or read, and then head over to Frog and Pixie's house. Where I lay around and do nothing. Anyway, I thought today I would share a little of my doubt with you, a story...

Before I met my husband I was married to a woman. We had started talking about kids, but she was going to carry. This was before my clock started ticking away the seconds until I was "too old" to have kids. We were at a party at a friend's house, mostly work friends. One of these women was at the time the mother of 2 small children, and she was talking about this "test" to see how many children and what gender you would have. Old wives' tale sort of thing.

What you do is thread a needle, and holding the thread, dangle the needle over your forearm. If it sways, you are having kids. The direction (vertically up and down the arm or horizontally across the arm) determines the gender. The number of times indicates the number of children. Did that make any sense? Anywho, she had someone else do it to her to prove that it works. Hers showed 2 boys and a girl....she had one of each at the time. So we did it to others, 2 lesbians both with young children, and it showed THEIR children. I think we did it with my wife, but I can't remember the outcome.

What I do remember is my outcome. Nada. Zilch. Zero. That needle didn't budge. I didn't think much of it at the time, because I was big on adoption or my wife carrying the baby/ies. These days, it haunts me. I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY MIND. It's one of the reasons I don't hold high hopes for our one and only IVF coming up in a mere few weeks, or an FET next year (if we have embies frozen). But I refuse to give up, at the same time.

Now, I believe in signs. But I'm not superstitious in the traditional ways (black cats, walking under ladders, etc). But that to me is a sign, not a superstition. And I can't let go of it. Frog talked to DH one night and later told me that DH feels I've already given up. Perhaps I have. It's all because of that stupid needle.

I need a sign that will prove that damn wives' tale wrong. I've been looking.....waiting.....hoping.....nothing yet, that I see as a sign anyway. Maybe I have given up. Is that possible? That I've given up and yet am still pursuing treatment? Is that totally weird?