Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A Story of Doubt

I am still being completely unproductive. Every morning I get up and say, "I'm going to do this...or this...or whatever" and then I lay on the couch, watch tv or read, and then head over to Frog and Pixie's house. Where I lay around and do nothing. Anyway, I thought today I would share a little of my doubt with you, a story...

Before I met my husband I was married to a woman. We had started talking about kids, but she was going to carry. This was before my clock started ticking away the seconds until I was "too old" to have kids. We were at a party at a friend's house, mostly work friends. One of these women was at the time the mother of 2 small children, and she was talking about this "test" to see how many children and what gender you would have. Old wives' tale sort of thing.

What you do is thread a needle, and holding the thread, dangle the needle over your forearm. If it sways, you are having kids. The direction (vertically up and down the arm or horizontally across the arm) determines the gender. The number of times indicates the number of children. Did that make any sense? Anywho, she had someone else do it to her to prove that it works. Hers showed 2 boys and a girl....she had one of each at the time. So we did it to others, 2 lesbians both with young children, and it showed THEIR children. I think we did it with my wife, but I can't remember the outcome.

What I do remember is my outcome. Nada. Zilch. Zero. That needle didn't budge. I didn't think much of it at the time, because I was big on adoption or my wife carrying the baby/ies. These days, it haunts me. I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY MIND. It's one of the reasons I don't hold high hopes for our one and only IVF coming up in a mere few weeks, or an FET next year (if we have embies frozen). But I refuse to give up, at the same time.

Now, I believe in signs. But I'm not superstitious in the traditional ways (black cats, walking under ladders, etc). But that to me is a sign, not a superstition. And I can't let go of it. Frog talked to DH one night and later told me that DH feels I've already given up. Perhaps I have. It's all because of that stupid needle.

I need a sign that will prove that damn wives' tale wrong. I've been looking.....waiting.....hoping.....nothing yet, that I see as a sign anyway. Maybe I have given up. Is that possible? That I've given up and yet am still pursuing treatment? Is that totally weird?


  1. DON'T give in to those self-doubting feelings. Let them go. You have to. Otherwise, you're going to talk yourself in to no baby. And that is NOT what YOU want.

    So, start thinking happy things. Like how this is going to work...and how good things are going to get. Deep breaths. Good Thoughts.


  2. Maybe the part of you that doesn't want to be let down has given up, but another part of you has not. Not sure if that makes any sense, but I think I used to not want kids because I didn't want to suffer the disappointment of not being able to, or the pain of remembering what it was like to leave the hospital without my first born. But really truly, I was trying to have a kid, I just wouldn't admit it. The part of me that didn't want to suffer was the part of me that didn't want kids.

    As for the needle thing, I don't think a needle would know whether or not you'll have children. Those type of signs are so hard to shake though, so I totally understand how it sits in the back of your mind.

    I hope you can find a way through the doubt!

  3. Now thats an old wives tale I have not heard of yet. You are doing everything to get prepared for IVF. Counseling, medicine, taking time off, taking care of yourself, etc. If you were giving up you wouldnt be doing all that stuff. Plenty of wives tales have failed, so I'm sure this one will to.

  4. Well, maybe it only reads biological children...
    I love old wife's tales, but you have to take it with a grain of salt. And modify it when it doesn't give you the result you're hoping for.

    Off to find some thread and a needle now.

  5. Okay, here's why I don't believe the needle, and this comes from a cardcarrying woo-woo who visited 2 psychics before she could bring herself to visit an RE.

    When it comes to "predicting the future" - the only thing that can be read is the energy that is coming off you in the current context you are in. It's like you're driving south on the 101, and the needle is saying - "duh - you'll wind up in L.A."

    You were in a particular marriage, and you had made the determination that your partner was going to carry any potential children. Of course you weren't giving off baby-carrying energy!

    But you switched highways along the way somewhere, and you're in a different marriage with different desires now. Your energy is being directed in a totally different way.
    (I'm not saying to do the needle thing right now and take it as gospel - messing with that stuff can mess with your mind...obviously)

    But from what I can tell, I'm pretty sure that you are a different person now from who you were then, and that makes a whole lot of difference to the universe.

  6. Hi. I'm a tarot reader and I can tell you that any glimpse into the future is just a look into a 'possible' future. Nothing, especially not a needle (!), can tell you it won't work for you. If it did even work (and even I am sceptical of the needle trick!) all it told you was one don't like it..change your path. You are doing that already by planning fertility treatment.

    So don't give up..and this is from a psychic! xxx

  7. I think you should make a plan and set a goal to eat breakfast in bed, watch funny movies in bed, and enjoy your day, from the privacy of your bed. It'll be a goal well worth working towards.

  8. I think your future is what you make it - you may be able to "see" a possible outcome but I believe you can always change the future. Believe that you can and hopefully you will!


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