Well, nearly a week later, and I am ready to share, sanely. I am going to share a bit of a back story, though, for those of you who weren't with me the first half of last year.
In the Fall of '09, Hubby and I were really beginning to think that having children naturally was not in the cards for us, but we honestly did not know where to turn. A friend at work referred me to Frog, who had experienced some issues as well. His wife, Pixie, has PCOS. They gave me the number of our clinic. They also (later on) loaned us the funds for our donor counseling session. Cricket is with us, in large part, due to them.
Frog and I became close friends over the next few months, and he and Pixie found out they were pregnant right before Christmas of '09. I had yet to meet Pixie, but I made them a layette. I was, briefly, devastated that this IRL friend I had made who was on the same journey was so quickly over the hump just as I was beginning to enjoy having a comrade. It also happened that they found out they were expecting right about the same time we got Hubby's Klinefelter, or XXY, diagnosis. So it was sort of a double whammy.
Anyway, friendship grew, and in Feb of '10, Hubby and I moved to the same town as them, so we were now neighbors, and Pixie and I finally met. We all started hanging out, and, for the most part, I handled the growing bump fairly well. There were a couple times I had to hide, but overall, not bad.
Now, for those of you that don't know, I swing - Hubby and I have an open marriage, more for me than him. It didn't take long for F, P, and I to become involved. And when I went off the deep end in April, I had somewhere to go when I needed to be anywhere but in my own life. Hubby was very understanding. I needed an escape. I spent a lot of time there. A LOT. We did a lot of baby prep. I became very involved in their lives, and they in mine.
Looking back - we all got too involved. We all needed it at the time, but we didn't watch ourselves. Things got complicated. I went on BCPs in May, and in mid-June went cold turkey off of my Zoloft - not a pretty combination. Because of injuries, we had to postpone our scheduled IVF, and I had to return to work as much of a wreck as when I left. Bad, bad, bad.
Things happened, anger and hurt ruled the day. Trust was broken, things were said...a fairly volatile end to things. What it was doesn't matter at this point. We were all angry. Very angry.
Frog and I work together - there was ZERO contact for months. Pixie delivered their daughter 2 days after our ET. She was supposed to be my goddaughter. I was devastated.
Frog became very ill a few weeks later. We checked in with Pixie - she had a newborn and a very ill husband. We wanted to make sure they were okay.
They have maintained intermittent contact with Hubby over the months. Frog and I at least would acknowledge each other at work, and I was fairly content with civility. Moving on, lack of drama, these were good things for me. Especially with the hellish pregnancy symptoms.
Randomly, they donated things to us for Cricket, a move I still don't entirely understand. The last donation was a few weeks ago, and Hubby mentioned that Frog had mentioned he wanted to stop by and see how I was doing. I wasn't entirely against this, but not overly thrilled either. I just want peace right now.
When they showed up out of the blue, I was initially FURIOUS with Hubby - thought he had engineered this. Turns out he had no idea either. And I don't know why I was concerned about my appearance, my disastrously dirty house, any of that - we have seen each other at our worst, honestly. They said they felt it was only right I meet the baby (who, by the way, was one of those amazingly perfect children we all dream of and of course had me at the first stare) and even had gifts for me for the nursery. Very thoughtful and apropos gifts.
The thing is, I had had a horrid night full of nightmares, panic attacks, etc. I was already severely emotional. And there was never really any...closure. Just anger and time passed. And with my very emotional state, seeing them, without mental prep, when I have so little control on things right now...it was too much.
It brought up so many feelings. The good ones, the bad ones, the love we all had for each other, the friendship that we lost. I don't know what to do with the emotions. Not having a way to physically let go of things is proving to be a big issue for me. I don't even know how to feel. I know this puts the ball back in my cart so to speak, and I have NO idea what to do. None whatsoever.
And I know they've been following this blog ever since, even after I changed the URL, which means they really wanted to see what was what. I know this based on some things Frog has said, and I don't know if I am weirded out by that (which ties into some of the issues from last year), or if I feel flattered that they were wondering how we are, or what.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want to do. I know that there are still a number of strong emotions that I need to face. But what's next? What the hell am I supposed to do????