The Decisions We Face

One of the things that came up at Michele's the other day was the topic of subsequent pregnancies. CAN OF WORMS. In my brain, anyway.

I thought making the decision to pursue IVF was difficult - one of the hardest I have made.  Until I start thinking about the repercussions of IVF and the decisions we now face.

First of all, given my PTL and IC, can I really go through another pregnancy?  And do it with a young child?  Is it fair to Hubby, to Cricket?

What about financially?  Could we afford what would end up being a long period out of work, not to mention a 2nd child and daycare for 2?  Nevermind AFTER, can we afford to do a FET???

What about emotionally?  Can I go through ANY of this again?  And is it fair to either of us to take that ride again?

But I think the biggest decision is regarding our frosties.  This is what is the most difficult to face.  The rest I can logically face, well, most of it.  But I seem to be incapable of detaching from those embryos.

When we happily found out we were pregnant, we imagined twins.  It was harder than I thought to deal with the fact that one of those embies just...vanished.  Didn't survive.  That my body absorbed it.  Now we have 3 viable frosties.  Cricket's potential siblings.  I feel an attachment to them that surprises me.

We had decided to do this ONE TIME, and donate our frosties.  In fact, we were, for a brief time, working with a couple on an open adoption.  It fell through, but that's okay.  We still planned on donating, though I would prefer a known recipient - due to the attachment. 

But then ... I read about your twins and find myself insanely jealous. I am also ecstatic for you, don't get me wrong.  IF lurking in my brain, never quite gone.  I am saddened by the fact that Cricket may be an only child, and that we have potential siblings waiting for us.  I can't let go.

I cannot believe that we have to decide what to do with these potential children.  How did we get here???

And I am ANGRY that ANY of us have to face decisions like this.  That Mother Nature messing up our plumbing leads to situations that require us to make emotional, moral, ethical decisions that rip us apart inside.  Top to bottom. 

I am ANGRY that I have no idea how to handle these emotions, that I have NO outlet for them because of the very reason causing them. 

I am ANGRY that all of this has affected me this badly, taken over my life in ways I never thought possible, knowing what I know about people who would DREAM of having issues like ours instead of what they have.  That I've let my need for a child take over.  That instead of somehow being out making a difference in the world, I am fighting my body, which OBVIOUSLY was not meant to bear children. 

I am angry that these are the decisions we face.