Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Decisions We Face

One of the things that came up at Michele's the other day was the topic of subsequent pregnancies. CAN OF WORMS. In my brain, anyway.

I thought making the decision to pursue IVF was difficult - one of the hardest I have made.  Until I start thinking about the repercussions of IVF and the decisions we now face.

First of all, given my PTL and IC, can I really go through another pregnancy?  And do it with a young child?  Is it fair to Hubby, to Cricket?

What about financially?  Could we afford what would end up being a long period out of work, not to mention a 2nd child and daycare for 2?  Nevermind AFTER, can we afford to do a FET???

What about emotionally?  Can I go through ANY of this again?  And is it fair to either of us to take that ride again?

But I think the biggest decision is regarding our frosties.  This is what is the most difficult to face.  The rest I can logically face, well, most of it.  But I seem to be incapable of detaching from those embryos.

When we happily found out we were pregnant, we imagined twins.  It was harder than I thought to deal with the fact that one of those embies just...vanished.  Didn't survive.  That my body absorbed it.  Now we have 3 viable frosties.  Cricket's potential siblings.  I feel an attachment to them that surprises me.

We had decided to do this ONE TIME, and donate our frosties.  In fact, we were, for a brief time, working with a couple on an open adoption.  It fell through, but that's okay.  We still planned on donating, though I would prefer a known recipient - due to the attachment. 

But then ... I read about your twins and find myself insanely jealous. I am also ecstatic for you, don't get me wrong.  IF lurking in my brain, never quite gone.  I am saddened by the fact that Cricket may be an only child, and that we have potential siblings waiting for us.  I can't let go.

I cannot believe that we have to decide what to do with these potential children.  How did we get here???

And I am ANGRY that ANY of us have to face decisions like this.  That Mother Nature messing up our plumbing leads to situations that require us to make emotional, moral, ethical decisions that rip us apart inside.  Top to bottom. 

I am ANGRY that I have no idea how to handle these emotions, that I have NO outlet for them because of the very reason causing them. 

I am ANGRY that all of this has affected me this badly, taken over my life in ways I never thought possible, knowing what I know about people who would DREAM of having issues like ours instead of what they have.  That I've let my need for a child take over.  That instead of somehow being out making a difference in the world, I am fighting my body, which OBVIOUSLY was not meant to bear children. 

I am angry that these are the decisions we face.


  1. Such big things to ponder... I've often wondered how we would handle those decisions when the choice to begin trying for Halfling 2.0 seems to be so hard for us to make.

    Ultimately, you will make the choices, no matter how hard. And I know you will make the choices that are right for your family.

    Still sucks tho, no doubt.

  2. Oh sweetheart...I am angry too... I totally feel this post. You are right; it's a crapbag.

  3. we do what we need to do, we strive for what our heart desires.

    some of us are blessed in that our fight for what we desire is granted [you with your pregnancy with cricket] others are not so lucky [myself and others who will never be able to have children].

    you're right, none of us should have to face this, deal with it, fight for it, or against it but cest la vie, life, i don't believe, was ever meant to be easy.

    i know it's hard but i wouldn't even be thinking of ANY of this until cricket is safely, happily in your arms. cross the bridge when you come to it and not before.

    and i have to say you ARE making a difference in the world...


  4. Sweetie...listen to me. This is another post full of emotions like the last one...but on a totally different topic. So believe me when I say that you cannot deal with this now, your hormones are through the roof (I know it's annoying to hear, but it's still true), and no matter what you cannot make a decision now on your embryos. You have to wait and see how you get on once cricket is here, it may be feeling totally different then. Big hugs, really big hugs!

  5. yes, yes, to everything you said. we were faced with the decisions too and we wished we had donated to a couple too..I know it's a hurt between us that will never really go away, just like the pain of IF. I know that I have the boys..and God love them, they got here, despite all obstacles....and I am thankful for them everday, but that one last frostie who is now gone was our last best hope for "Rachel" and no matter what I think of her often...so I know how you feel.

    I hate the decisions we had to make too..my sweet friend

  6. It is so f'in' unfair!! I hate that you have to make these decisions. ((hugs))

  7. It is unfair, and I really hope you can wait to make this decision until Cricket is safely in your arms. I am glad you still have your embies because I think they were really meant to be with you and Cricket. I hope it all works out just as it is supposed to... Hugs.

    It just means you are a good person and those frosties are children to you- not some lab byproduct. And that makes you awesome in my book!

  8. And PS- TRUST ME I hate the decisions too. I want to whine and stamp my foot and say "It's toooo hard."

  9. It is a really tough decision, sweetie. I kinda agree with Miss Ruby. I think you'll know for sure what you want to do once Cricket is out. I know you have read my personal feelings on my blog, for me I could not give up on the idea of a second child. I know you have some issues with your siblings? But I am pretty close to mine. You have every right to be angry-but I think put off making the decision for now. xx take care

  10. yes, such a difficult mother effing decision. and you def have the right to be angry. i agree with the PP about putting off this decision for now. it doesn't mean that the decision won't still suck, but giving yourself some space right now is important. hugs. xo.

  11. It is so unfair some of the difficult decisions that have to be made with infertility. Right now, I agree with some of the ladies above - Cricket is the focus. The rest can be handled after your beautiful baby is born and who knows maybe the answer will just come to you!

  12. My IF doc was adamant about sending us to a multi-fetal reduction doc if we got pregnant with more than 2 (I have an insane chance at multiples). Then with all the IVF talks and how many eggs I produce I was completely torn. What to do with those potential babies??? Such a hard and crappy decision. (((HUGS)))...thinking of you!!!

  13. I can totally relate to this post..We have to make this decision come June:(

  14. I completely agree with you. These entire thought processes are foreign to anyone who has never had to face IF. It's such an unfair thing, even when you are pregnant, to have the fear that it will be your only time. :-(


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