Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Rational? Irrational?

Before I get started, I saw the OB today.  I am officially on bedrest for the duration.  And on the Procardia.  While I am frustrated about this, I am also relieved to not be worrying about going back to work and having to just keep leaving.  Because that would be worse.  I don't want to think about money or any of that.  I just want to stay calm.  So that's what I am doing.

My head is swirling with thoughts, fears.  Most of which I have not been able to verbally articulate to anyone.  Because I know many, if not all of them are rational and expected and will only elicit a "That's perfectly normal hon." And I know that.  Plus I don't want to cry.  But I need to get them out.  Put it in writing.  So, read, don't read, just...oh, I don't know.
  • I am at high risk for Postpartum Depression - and I am absolutely TERRIFIED of it.  Terrified that I won't be able to get out of bed, that I will shut down completely, that I will look at Cricket and feel NOTHING.  
  • I am not emotionally or mentally prepared for Cricket to arrive yet.  I know that much is out of my hands at the moment, house is a mess, someone is living in the nursery, and I can't do anything.  I feel really helpless.  I am pretty sure this will void my ability to take FMLA after my approved 6 weeks of maternity leave.  And we haven't even figured out day care.  I have a month or so to sort things out, I suppose.  From the couch. 
  • I really need to get maternity shots done, sooner rather than later.  My mom was going to do them, but with my stepdad having his surgery tomorrow and all the recovery time and whatnot I can't ask her to help.  And a belly cast, I need a belly cast.  Again, sooner rather than later, to be safe. 
  • I know there was more, but my brain is on major overload. 
Sorry if this is a downer post.  I just...needed to get it out.  Thanks, guys!

P.S.  Is it sad that I mourn the ability to wear my cute maternity clothes?  Seriously, leaving the house means I get dressed up now, LOL.  Because otherwise they just sit there, looking forlorn.


  1. I'm sorry you're feeling this way babe! I really don't have much advice but just know that your primary job right now is to keep Cricket healthy. Rest up!

  2. right there with you on those fears, fwiw, especially that first one. i guess it's better to be aware of the possibility? ...or something like that.

    i'm sorry the bed rest is making things complicated, but i hope it will mean more stable health and less uncertainty all around.

  3. This makes me so sad for you. :( I want to give you a hug right now! It's times like these when I wish we knew each other and were closer in real life. I'd be over there cheering you up in no time.

    Sending virtual hugs for now. You are in my thoughts.

  4. Oh I am so sorry that you are having a tough time right now. Don't apologize about having a downer post. It is healthy to get it out! I can't imagine how it feels to be told you are on bedrest - hopefully you can rent some movies, or get some magazines, or find some things to keep your mind busy. Sending you calming vibes!

  5. I'm so sad that you're in such a stressed place. I really wish I could come give you a giant hug and use my only so-so photography skills to take some awesome maternity shots --awesome because you're awesome. :)

    I think it is good to be aware of the possibility of PPD. If others know to look out for it, too, then if it happens you can get treated that much sooner and that's a good thing.

  6. ok first things first - just because youre at high risk for pd, doesn't mean you will get it, so dont start worrying just yet. youre armed with the knowledge that youre in an at risk group - this knowledge is power - use it!

    i am sorry that this pregnancy isnt going as smoothly as it could - that suck arse and im so disappointed for you BUT youre still sounding strong [even if you dont feel it] so its not all bad.

    and NO it is not at all sad that youre mourning not being able to wear your maternity clothes!!

    try to enjoy the bedrest, relax, be waited on, catch up on sleep - watch some funny films to make yourself smile!

    sending you lots of love and "stay put for awhile yet cricket" vibes!


  7. I got PPD pretty bad at some points, but I did get thru it. Not being able to sleep was a big thing for me. I hear you on wanting to get everything done and things not being done are enought to drive you to tears. I used to cry as certian things weren't done. I found making a list (actually the finace suggested it) and crossing them off as they were completed helped. Hang in there. And this is your space to vent so DO IT!

  8. Girl if I could come over and help you I so would:) Right now Im the opposite have been doing all this laying around and having everyone do everything for me...and now Im like bring on the cleaning...bring on the contractions.....dilate/thin cervix.....And guess what if your anything like me hopefully the bedrest/meds will keep your little babe in there and cooking until it is the right time and then you will be writing a post about it:)

    As for the Post Partum....At least you are aware that you are at greater risk and will have your hubs to watch for symptoms and then get tx ASAP....I know a lot of woman who have had this so do not feel guilty about it.

    Feeling out of control is def very hard and I hate to tell you at least for me It just makes me crazy because Im so OCD/Control Freak but thank god I have everyone on this blog/my friends/family who all just let me vent and love and support me no matter what...And I will sure offer you any support you need because this is very scary and you fears/worries are valid...Take care my dear...Think about you often:)

  9. I think that with any sort of depression a really good step is being alert for it. It's in ignoring it that things go bad. So in worrying you are, in a way, ensuring it doesn't get too bad. So stop worrying! lol. If it comes admit it and get it sorted. You will cope. You have coped with all of this. I do admire you. xxx

  10. I am so sorry all this has happened and I get that you're feeling overwhelmed. Wear the crap out of those clothes now if you want! as for the risk of ppd, don't think about it right now. You are so strong! Take care and rest!! Xxoo

  11. Not a downer. AT ALL.

    PROMISE ME YOU WILL LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU NEED. I was on bedrest for 16 weeks. Let me know how I can help you. I'm more than happy to bring stuff or whatever. You just let me know!!!!

  12. Who says you can't wear the cute maternity clothes? Once a day get up put the chothes on, set up a camera with a timer and take a picture. Or what for your husband to take it for you. Silly to let them go to waste!

  13. This is not a downer. It's scary on several fronts. And I know in your position the leaving work early/ finances thing would be a major issue for us too, so I feel for you there. I am sure there are people around who are ready and willing to help you out to get the house ready... and as so many new parents tell me, they don't need much those first few weeks anyways. Think of all adoptive parents do in a matter of days. My friend who was on bed rest from 20 weeks on also said the same thing about maternity clothes. I think it's not wrong to want things to be normal.

    I hope the PDD doesn't catch you but keep on top of it.

  14. *hugs* You're right - it's all normal but it is still frustrating to deal with. I wrote a to-do list and think I made things worse once I saw all the things I wanted to get done.

    As the moms I think we take on a ton of things and then are shocked if and when we cannot finish them all. Take care of you and Cricket - you and your family will deal with the future as it comes.

    Keeping you in my T&P!

  15. ((Hugs)) You are doing just fine. Beautifully, actually. You have dealt with so many challenges head on and this is the same thing...another challenge for you to show your strength of character.

    I'm wondering if there is a photography class at your local high school where you could approach and ask if anyone wants to do some maternity shots for you for their portfolio...If I lived closer I would do them for you!

    You are doing great! Hang in there!

  16. Aw I'm so sorry :( Let me know if there is anything I can do. Like if you need food or fun stuff.

  17. Hey honey bun..I know this is ver scary cause I was there. The Risk of PPD..the bedrest..the room not being done..the maternity clothes I truly wanted to wear...all of it. I can look back andstill regret some of it..but it got G and J here and that is all that matters..that cricket gets here. We have her whole life to get her room ready etc. I'm here if u need me..but stay seated!!!!!!! Xoxo


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