Saturday, May 29, 2010
Posted by Kakunaa at 9:13 AM
Friday, May 28, 2010
Posted by Kakunaa at 6:45 PM
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thought yesterday was CD1, so I called, scheduled b/w for tomorrow and dildo-cam.....and then it stopped. No flow. Nada. I'm not usually a spotter. So.....I have no idea????? I am still going in tomorrow and we'll see what we see. So I have a tentative IVF schedule, but I'm holding off on posting it until I know more with WTF is going on my with my body.
Other confusion is with regard to Frog and Pixie. I love DH so much....but I've realized I love them as well, more than is probably healthy in all of this. I love being at their house. I love spending the night. I love them. I love our relationship. I feel like I have 2 lives, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, honestly....I can't lose them. Or DH. So I'm working on a balance. I wish I wasn't the way that I am....a big heart with room for many and difficulty only having one person in my life. I was built funny....I don't work right. I don't know.
Going back to work Saturday.....ugh. So nervous about that. Nervous about the reality of this cycle beginning, nervous about no longer being on the meds that keep me (mostly) balanced....
So, again, sorry for not being around much this week....I appreciate all the comments, though, and I hope everyone is having a good week. Major hugs to you all.
Posted by Kakunaa at 2:54 PM
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Posted by Kakunaa at 11:34 AM
Monday, May 24, 2010
Posted by Kakunaa at 1:48 PM
Posted by Kakunaa at 10:02 AM
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I forget who I stole this quiz from...I meant to write it down to credit her. Ooops. Anyway, enjoy!
- Who was your last text from? Rob - it was a smiley face.
- Where was your profile picture take at? My friend Steph's basement.
- Your relationship status? Married.
- Have you ever lost a close friend? Many times, unfortunately, for any number of reasons.
- What is your current mood? Sad
- What are your sibling(s) name(s)? Katja, Maggie, Danika
- Do you have a job? Technical Support for T-Mobile (no, I won't answer your questions when I'm not at work...I hate my job).
- Where do you wish you were right now? Vieques, swimming in the bioluminescent bay.
- Do you have a crazy side? All my sides are crazy.
- Do you have a near death experience? Yes. But I don't feel like elaborating, honestly.
- Something you do a lot? Blog, read, crochet, watch movies
- Angry at anyone? Myself, usually. Sometimes DH
- Are you in a relationship? With Frog and Pixie - my other "marriage".
- When was the last time you cried? At lunch today....I am having a hard time in marriage land right now.
- Is there anyone you would do anything for? Quite a few, really...I open myself up a lot to people.
- What do you think about when you are falling asleep? What to write on here, IVF, friends, sex, sleep.
- Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Pixie - she called me to tell me not to forget my phone in the house.
- What is your favorite song? Really? Can't even call it. Too many. BUT I have some of the lyrics to "Cool Cool River" by Paul Simon tattooed on me.
- What are you doing right now? ummmm, writing this.....DUH!!!
- Do you trust anyone? Too many people and usually too soon.
- Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Pixie's closet this morning.
- Who is the friend that lives closest to you? Frog and Pixie - 3 blocks away.
- Describe your life in one word: Chaotic
- Who are you thinking of right now? How badly I want a nap
- What should you be doing right now? Cleaning something.
- What are you listening to? Pink Floyd - ipod is on shuffle
- Who was the last person that gave you a hug? Hubby
- Who was the last person that yelled at you? I honestly don't know!
- Do you act differently around your friends? Nope - I am me almost anywhere and with anyone.
- What is your natural hair color? Near to black
- Who was the last person to make you laugh really hard? Actually, it was watching Empire Strikes back.
- Who was the last person to make you sad or pissed? Hubby
- What do you hear? Music, spoon against bowl
- Is your hair curly or straight? Pin straight
- Has anyone called you "scrumptious" before? I dont THINK so, but I can't be sure.
- Do you have a "best friend?" Several, honestly. All for different reasons. I'm not good at "bests" or "favorites".
- Do you use smiley faces on the computer? All the time....way too much, really.
- Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? More times than I can count
- Are you happy w/life right now? Sometimes....some parts of it....
- Are you currently jealous? Envious, which really isn't the same thing.
- What jewelry are you currently wearing? My piercings, and wedding rings.
- What were you doing Friday night? Watching a movie with DH, Frog, and Pixie
- Have you ever had your heart broken? Yes
- Have you ever broken anyone's heart? Yes - not intentionally, I mean, relationships change....
- Is there anybody you are really disappointed in right now? Myself - I feel weak.
- What was the last reason you went to the doctor for? GP for check on my crazy meds.
- How late did you stay up last night & why? about 10 pm - cuz it's when F&P go to bed.
- Where are you right now? At Frog's desk
- How old are you? 32
- What is your TTC status? Anxiously awaiting the arrival of AF (CD34 now!!!) so that we can do our one and only IVF cycle.
Posted by Kakunaa at 5:02 PM
Saturday, May 22, 2010
I woke up still really tired, but not unable to function and decided it was time for a treat for myself, and some change.....So off to the hair salon I went. I forgot how long my face is. LOL. Tell me what you think!
It was really difficult to get a good photo....one day when I totally do it up - contacts, makeup, the whole 9 yards - I will post another pic. DH loves it (he has shaved my head before, so not concerned with my hair). Pixie likes it. Frog is....a bit uncertain, but it's growing on him.
And I know you're all waiting to know, so here you go: BFN. But I'm neither surprised nor upset. I knew it wasn't possible. I did it more for Frog who was freaking out than for me. He cried. First in relief (because that could be a bit complicated), and then because he wants me to be Pg.
Still taking entries for the Name My Uterus Contest, so hop on over there and enter!!!!
And now, I leave you with another song, lest you are feeling like crap about yourself today. Self-love is my theme for the day. Enjoy!
Posted by Kakunaa at 1:22 PM
Friday, May 21, 2010
Next on the agenda is the Name My Uterus Contest for which I am still taking entries. I thought it would be fun to continue taking entries through ICLW - perhaps I will get a LOT. I have to say, the entries so far have been fantastic! Thank you so much, ladies!
Posted by Kakunaa at 4:50 AM
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Posted by Kakunaa at 1:05 PM
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Secondly, I missed a couple days. I spent the night at F&P's Saturday night, and Frog had been feeling not right for almost a week. Sunday morning he got out of bed to go to work and fell over. Major joint pain. So off to the hospital we went. I'd had about 1 1/2 hours of sleep (thank you insomnia once again). Just a viral infection. He's fine. But I was too exhausted the rest of the day to do a damn thing. Yesterday, I was cranky, irritable, and seriously PMS'ing. Still no sign of AF, but I just couldn't be bothered, yet again.
Yesterday was also the hearing for Drunk Mom. We showed up. Lawyer and the woman showed up. A police officer came in. The judge came in. Turns out that the arresting officer has quit the department so there was some confusion as to what happens next, plus, the lawyer had decided they were going to waive the initial hearing anyway. So we were not needed. No idea what happens next or if we will even know. *Sigh*
So, on to what was supposed to be Sunday's post. I got to thinking...we all have months we dread....months that have some sort of history for us that make them difficult. I started thinking about May in particular, as May is REALLY hard for me usually. And it occurred to me that though difficult things have happened in every other month, I'm sure, May has been consistent in terms of life changes for me for 11 straight years! Insane. Here's the breakdown:
1999 - graduate from college.
2000 - accepted to Peace Corps and my mom had a nervous breakdown.
2001 - leave for Peace Corps (6 months later I had a nervous breakdown and came home).
2002 - my dearest grandmother who taught me to love music, Mother Nature, and beauty in general passed away. The last photo taken of her is with me.
2003 - hired by the organization that would take me to California - best job EVER.
2004 - moved in with my soon-to-be-wife.
2005 - meet the women who would become my support in SoCal, beginning my drag king career. Incidentally, the main woman was our MC of sorts at my wedding to DH.
2006 - Hired officially by the company that would lead indirectly to me meeting my DH.
2007 - moved in with DH, post divorce from the wife.
2008 - move with DH and some friends to a house in the town of our dreams and begin planning our wedding. Incidentally, start TTC
2009 - having run out of options, we had been living with my dad back here in PA - May is when my dad went off the deep end, threatened DH and we had to move overnight into a crap apartment to get away from him. Major blowup and change in the relationship with my father. Realize we may have TTTC and start becoming frustrated with the whole thing.
2010 - I go off the deep end, and we are beginning the pre-cycle to our first IVF as soon as the red-headed step-child shows her ugly face....which could lead to the biggest change in our lives yet......
So....that's May in my life. Never a dull one, not for years. I've been waxing quite philosophical lately, and perhaps it is because of May. I had thought to insert photos from some of these moments, but alas, I am not at home. Plus, then this post would realllllly be enormous. As opposed to mildly enormous.
I spoke about signs a few posts ago. I got 2 this week past. First, a ladybug landed on DH's shoulder. That's good luck, I believe. I'll take it. Sign 2: a book I had read about on someone else's post looked really intriguing...and it turned up on Pixie's shelf. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth which turned out to be one of the most fascinating reads of my life. She is an amazing woman. I am reading all I can, not for me, not in some sort of hopeful preparation, but for Pixie. I am going to be part of the support team for her birth. So I need to be prepared. Preparing for HER birth takes my mind off of things. Kind of. Well, not really, but I feel I'm helping, which always makes me feel better. So, those are my good signs. I'll take them. Whatever help I can get, I will take it.
I apologize for the long post. My brain doesn't ever quiet down, and so if I miss days I feel I have to just GET IT ALL OUT. So there you go. Happy week, Bleeps.
Posted by Kakunaa at 1:26 PM
Saturday, May 15, 2010
- Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver
- The Complete Fiction: The Bean Trees, Homeland, Animal Dreams, Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver (no, it's not cheating if they published them all together!!!!)
- Tales of a Female Nomad: Living at Large in the World by Rita Goldman Gelman
- Side by Side by Isabel Miller
- The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
- Dearest Hubby
- My dear friend Colleen
- Frog (and Pixie) - hey, they're a couple, they count as 1
- My dear friend Emo (and his girlfriend - same thing applies as above)
- Bird (another dear friend) and her wife Dani
- Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream
- Shrimp anything
- Variety of Vegetables
Posted by Kakunaa at 12:26 PM
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Posted by Kakunaa at 4:18 PM
Posted by Kakunaa at 4:01 PM
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Posted by Kakunaa at 1:15 PM
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Posted by Kakunaa at 9:57 PM
Monday, May 10, 2010
Posted by Kakunaa at 2:15 PM
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Posted by Kakunaa at 10:35 AM
Saturday, May 8, 2010
2) Select the 8th photo in that folder.
3) Post that photo along with the story behind it.
Posted by Kakunaa at 1:46 PM
Friday, May 7, 2010
First off...it's Photo Friday! This week is desks. As I am off work, here is the "man-cave" at home where I usually blog. (Today, of course, being the exception - I'm at Frog's house). Yes, it's a mess, most of it mine. DH can't wait to get another desk and set up the 2nd computer so that he can have his desk back and free of all my shit.
As for the title of this post, my favorite TV show of all time is M*A*S*H, and in the final episode, Hawkeye says that...or something very close. (I couldn't find the exact quote, unfortunately.) Anywho, it applies.
I have wanted to post the past couple of days, but just couldn't narrow down what to say. My brain just NEVER shuts up, and I don't want this to turn into the most rambling blog of all time. And while being "afraid" of children might be an overstatement, it's close. Going out, seeing baby stuff, kid stuff, kids....makes me shut down. Makes me walk away. So, this quote has been running through my head for a couple of days now.
I'm so overwhelmed by my energizer bunny brain that I don't even know where to start, honestly. I'm on CD18 - in a couple of weeks I start BCP and then it's on to the actual IVF stuff. I'm nervous. I'm terrified, to be honest. Of it not working. Of the injections. Of the possible disappointment. And I go back to work next week....4 more days off. I'm petrified of that. I am doing better, but still quite nervous about the real world, followed very closely by possibly the most important 4-6 weeks of my life medically, and emotionally, speaking.
It's all too much. Thus....no posts for a couple of days. I just didn't know where to begin.
Posted by Kakunaa at 12:29 PM
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
When DH and I started TTC, I had any number of ideas of how I would announce to him that he was going to be a father. It's his dream. More, even so, than it was mine when we first met. He will be an incredible father...it's why I married him. It's saved me from wanting to shoot him sometimes. LOL. I thought of onesies, cards, some sort of clue....slipped onto his pillow, on his recliner. Something to surprise him with this wonderful news.
Posted by Kakunaa at 2:17 PM
Saturday, May 1, 2010
How beautiful are these 2??? I did a lot of cropping with the zebra photos as well for the fun of texture, much like the feathers below.
Posted by Kakunaa at 9:54 PM