Meltdown

I was doing so well. It figures I'd meltdown the night before joining the real world again. I was at Frog & Pixie's, and just....lost it. They were in rare cuddle form. And I was so jealous. DH and I don't do that really anymore. We don't randomly decide to go do the BD (I can't remember the last time). The whole 2 separate lives thing knocked me down hard.

So I took a bubble bath and calmed myself down and settled in to watch a movie with them...."The Morgans." WARNING: It has IF stuff in it. That did it. I saw 2 damn scenes and went ballistic. It's a good thing the only item of use on their porch was a broom or their porch would be destroyed. Didn't calm me down. So I cleaned their bathroom. I really scared them. I couldn't talk. I cried and I cleaned.

My cycle is started and it's all so real and I'm so terrified. And I have to go back to work. I came home and found DH and the neighbors doing shots. Grabbed the bottle and did 4 shots in about 10 minutes. That was a bad idea. I'm on way too many meds for that shit. I made myself throw it all up.

I asked F&P to come over. I wanted all of my loves with me. I wanted to cuddle with them all. I wanted them to spend the night, but they didn't realize that. But they stayed for the discussion. I told DH everything....that Frog is in fact involved in what Pixie and I do. That I can't stand him not knowing. That I spend so much time there because I need as much physical contact as I can get. That I love them. And the bombshell...

Pixie had a rash in her girly parts a while back. Then Frog did....Turns out it's Herpes, but they didn't know what type. Their tests came back inconclusive because it was their first breakout. So I got tested. Yup, I gave them freakin Herpes. And probably DH, too. I feel like Typhoid Mary. It's Type 1, very common....something like 80% of people carry it. I told DH about that last night, too. Frog went into more detail for him. Poor DH. I dumped a LOT on him last night.

And he handled it like a champ. I couldn't believe it. He held me all night while I cried. He repeatedly told me he loves me and that he doesn't want me to change and if I need them in my life that's fine with him. And that we'll get through all of this. And that I'm not terrible. And that I'll make it through this cycle. And that I can make it through work. And that WE will make it. And that I am worth it for him.

I feel so undeserving. I wanted to go to sleep last night and not wake up. I'm crying now. And I have to get a shower and pull myself together. I have to be this strong person that everyone says I am. I'm so scared....

Official Schedule

This lovely Jar Of Hope was given to me by Jenny. Well, put on her blog for others to enjoy and thus share. I'm still catching up on so many blogs from my recovery this week, but managed to get to hers, and it couldn't have happened on a better day.

Day started out with b/w, dildo-cam, a trip to the GP, and then a trip to get x-rays. Outcomes: starting BCP tonight, got the official word to go back to work tomorrow, and no word on the x-rays yet, but dreading that bill.

That's right....BCP begins tonight. So I'm gonna drive you all nuts by posting my IVF schedule right here and now.

5/28/10 - Start BCP

6/11/10 - Start Lupron 20 units

6/15/10 - Last BCP, continue Lupron 20 units

6/22/10 - First office visit, b/w, begin Gonal-F 225 IU and 15 units Low Dose HCG, decrease Lupron to 5 units.

6/23-6/24/10 - same

6/25/10 - b/w and u/s, then follow instructions.

This continues with periodic b/w and u/s until possible retrieval 7/1-7/4/10

Possible transfer - 7/4-7/10/10

Possible beta - 7/15-7/18/10.

So there it is. Officialy. Real. Right in front of me in black and white.

I need that jar of hope.

Confused

So, I'm a terrible poster and commenter this week. I will catch up on you all at some point, I promise. I've had a lot on my mind, plus the whole can't sit up for very long thing. Doing much better. No crutches...Just some lingering neck and shoulder pain.

Thought yesterday was CD1, so I called, scheduled b/w for tomorrow and dildo-cam.....and then it stopped. No flow. Nada. I'm not usually a spotter. So.....I have no idea????? I am still going in tomorrow and we'll see what we see. So I have a tentative IVF schedule, but I'm holding off on posting it until I know more with WTF is going on my with my body.

Other confusion is with regard to Frog and Pixie. I love DH so much....but I've realized I love them as well, more than is probably healthy in all of this. I love being at their house. I love spending the night. I love them. I love our relationship. I feel like I have 2 lives, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, honestly....I can't lose them. Or DH. So I'm working on a balance. I wish I wasn't the way that I am....a big heart with room for many and difficulty only having one person in my life. I was built funny....I don't work right. I don't know.

Going back to work Saturday.....ugh. So nervous about that. Nervous about the reality of this cycle beginning, nervous about no longer being on the meds that keep me (mostly) balanced....

So, again, sorry for not being around much this week....I appreciate all the comments, though, and I hope everyone is having a good week. Major hugs to you all.

Glued to a Recliner

Hopping on for a minute - no ICLW for me....I really wish I had a laptop. I know I'm missing out on some fabulous new blogs as well as everyone's posts this week. I will try to catch up when I can sit for longer periods of time. I think I pulled my hip out of place, too. *Sigh* But I have lots of good drugs and snack food and stuff to keep me occupied while glued to soft squishy furniture. Love you all for your well wishes. I'll be fine....eventually. LOL. Once I recover I will also choose a winner for the contest :) I leave you with a photo that I hope makes you smile. It's from one of the most perfect days of my life, and I hope it's beauty inspires you, or at least cheers you up if you are down.

Update on OWWWWW

I am out of work until at least Saturday, and will be going for xrays Thursday if I don't improve. Also heard from RE and if AF flow doesn't show by tomorrow, I go in for blood work and possibly start on Prov.era to trigger her so we can get the ball rolling. Another fun week.

Trying to do ICLW, but can only get up the stairs to the pooter so often and sit for a short time. Doing my best, ladies.

OWWWWWWW

I should know better. I should. I'm the most accident prone person I know. Kinda like Bella in the Twilight series. So when I was helping Frog take something apart yesterday and he asked if I could stand on the one piece for leverage while he kicked the other part, I should have known that was a BAD IDEA.

He kicked. Everything moved forward. Except me. I flew backwards. Landed on my sciatic nerve and tailbone. My ass is SORE. Last night I couldn't walk without crutches the pain was so bad, but today is a bit better. I had to sleep in the recliner in the living room. Everything hurts. Wind was knocked out of me, neck is whiplashed, big bruise on my arm. Oh, yeah, I am feeling it.

It's funny now :) Because only me. Really. LOL.

Thanks to all my new commenters. Sorry if I haven't commented on my regular sites this week....ICLW is kicking my ass and I'm just trying to keep up. Love you all! I'm off to the doctor to get my "return to work" clearance -- SCARY!!! Oh, and still no AF. CD35. Grrrrrr. Happy Monday, all :) Here's me ready to battle the forces of evil....I mean, ready to take on going back to work. Look out, I'm coming for ya!

Quiz for my visitors

I forget who I stole this quiz from...I meant to write it down to credit her. Ooops. Anyway, enjoy!

1. Who was your last text from? Rob - it was a smiley face.
2. Where was your profile picture take at? My friend Steph's basement.
3. Your relationship status? Married.
4. Have you ever lost a close friend? Many times, unfortunately, for any number of reasons.
5. What is your current mood? Sad
6. What are your sibling(s) name(s)? Katja, Maggie, Danika
7. Do you have a job? Technical Support for T-Mobile (no, I won't answer your questions when I'm not at work...I hate my job).
8. Where do you wish you were right now? Vieques, swimming in the bioluminescent bay.
9. Do you have a crazy side? All my sides are crazy.
10. Do you have a near death experience? Yes. But I don't feel like elaborating, honestly.
11. Something you do a lot? Blog, read, crochet, watch movies
12. Angry at anyone? Myself, usually. Sometimes DH
13. Are you in a relationship? With Frog and Pixie - my other "marriage".
14. When was the last time you cried? At lunch today....I am having a hard time in marriage land right now.
15. Is there anyone you would do anything for? Quite a few, really...I open myself up a lot to people.
16. What do you think about when you are falling asleep? What to write on here, IVF, friends, sex, sleep.
17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Pixie - she called me to tell me not to forget my phone in the house.
18. What is your favorite song? Really? Can't even call it. Too many. BUT I have some of the lyrics to "Cool Cool River" by Paul Simon tattooed on me.
19. What are you doing right now? ummmm, writing this.....DUH!!!
20. Do you trust anyone? Too many people and usually too soon.
21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Pixie's closet this morning.
22. Who is the friend that lives closest to you? Frog and Pixie - 3 blocks away.
23. Describe your life in one word: Chaotic
24. Who are you thinking of right now? How badly I want a nap
25. What should you be doing right now? Cleaning something.
26. What are you listening to? Pink Floyd - ipod is on shuffle
27. Who was the last person that gave you a hug? Hubby
28. Who was the last person that yelled at you? I honestly don't know!
29. Do you act differently around your friends? Nope - I am me almost anywhere and with anyone.
30. What is your natural hair color? Near to black
31. Who was the last person to make you laugh really hard? Actually, it was watching Empire Strikes back.
32. Who was the last person to make you sad or pissed? Hubby
33. What do you hear? Music, spoon against bowl
34. Is your hair curly or straight? Pin straight
35. Has anyone called you "scrumptious" before? I dont THINK so, but I can't be sure.
36. Do you have a "best friend?" Several, honestly. All for different reasons. I'm not good at "bests" or "favorites".
37. Do you use smiley faces on the computer? All the time....way too much, really.
38. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? More times than I can count
39. Are you happy w/life right now? Sometimes....some parts of it....
40. Are you currently jealous? Envious, which really isn't the same thing.
41. What jewelry are you currently wearing? My piercings, and wedding rings.
42. What were you doing Friday night? Watching a movie with DH, Frog, and Pixie
43. Have you ever had your heart broken? Yes
44. Have you ever broken anyone's heart? Yes - not intentionally, I mean, relationships change....
45. Is there anybody you are really disappointed in right now? Myself - I feel weak.
46. What was the last reason you went to the doctor for? GP for check on my crazy meds.
47. How late did you stay up last night & why? about 10 pm - cuz it's when F&P go to bed.
48. Where are you right now? At Frog's desk
49. How old are you? 32
50. What is your TTC status? Anxiously awaiting the arrival of AF (CD34 now!!!) so that we can do our one and only IVF cycle.

Rested!

New med: Klon.opin - it worked!!!! I didn't participate at all in ICLW yesterday because I was downright delirious! But, I have some sleep under my belt today (FINALLY!!!) and I'm going to try and catch up. Lots of comments yesterday!

I woke up still really tired, but not unable to function and decided it was time for a treat for myself, and some change.....So off to the hair salon I went. I forgot how long my face is. LOL. Tell me what you think!

It was really difficult to get a good photo....one day when I totally do it up - contacts, makeup, the whole 9 yards - I will post another pic. DH loves it (he has shaved my head before, so not concerned with my hair). Pixie likes it. Frog is....a bit uncertain, but it's growing on him.

And I know you're all waiting to know, so here you go: BFN. But I'm neither surprised nor upset. I knew it wasn't possible. I did it more for Frog who was freaking out than for me. He cried. First in relief (because that could be a bit complicated), and then because he wants me to be Pg.
Still taking entries for the Name My Uterus Contest, so hop on over there and enter!!!!

And now, I leave you with another song, lest you are feeling like crap about yourself today. Self-love is my theme for the day. Enjoy!

Ramblings of an Exhausted Insomniac

Good morning, Bleeps!!! Welcome to May's ICLW! For those of you new to my little world, I apologize for this post. I've barely slept in weeks, and this week has been particularly bad, so I'm a bit loony toons this morning. I have been working on this post all night in my head, and started at 4 am with the actual computer stuff to make it happen. I'm a tired girl, and my brain won't shut up, so this could be long. If you would like to play catch up on our story, click the link above that says "Our TTC Journey."

Let's see, I'll start with it being Photo Friday with today's project being something called Through the Viewfinder (TTV). Below is the TTV photo, followed by the original. I don't know how I feel about what I chose, but I plan to continue messing around with this, because it's freakin cool and fun. For those interested, original photo taken at Yellowstone National Park back in 2003.

Next on the agenda is the Name My Uterus Contest for which I am still taking entries. I thought it would be fun to continue taking entries through ICLW - perhaps I will get a LOT. I have to say, the entries so far have been fantastic! Thank you so much, ladies!

CD32, still no red-headed step-child. So, because Frog is freaked out (and DH knows nothing since technically he didn't want to know if men were involved in this open marriage thing), I will be POAS later today. I bought 2 at the dollar store. Can't believe I'm doing it. Feels weird, considering the nearly absolute impossibility, but hey, I needed something to do today. Results tomorrow (negative, I assure you).

As I mentioned, STILL not sleeping. At last GP appointment, he prescribed Lun.esta. Long story short, insurance companies are fun, and he had to change it, which took a week of phone tag, so Monday night I started on Res.toril. One of the side effects (1.2% of people) is nightmares or vivid dreams. You guessed it. I got it. Also got additional anxiety (2.0%). I gave it 3 nights and am giving the hell up. I couldn't take it. So last night I tried Valerian root......no go. No crazy dreams, but no sleep, either. I refuse to nap today....maybe that will give me a fair shot tonight. Cross your fingers for me.....because I REALLY need some freaking sleep.

Next up (I warned you this would be long - remember, brain won't let me sleep so I think ALL NIGHT) is a shout-out to Mel at Stirrup Queens for all the projects she puts together. And for the amount of reading she must do to keep up with us all. I accidentally deleted my blogroll yesterday, but luckily had one of my pages open and was able to re-do it. Which is when I realized I follow 59 blogs. 59. And I can barely keep up. Mel has a blogroll of over 2000!!! Seriously? All hail the freakin Queen. I would also like to shout out to K because that woman manages a witty, and more importantly, succinct post every day. Unlike my novels of verbal vomit. Kudos to you! Besides, I won a drawing on her page, and the envelope came with a note written on....toilet paper. I love that woman.

Last night DH and I watched Edge of Darkness with Frog and Pixie. Bad flick for someone with anxiety issues, let me tell you. BUT, that's not actually the point. There is a scene ****SPOILER ALERT**** in the movie where Mel Gibson's character is shaving, and his daughter hallucination comes in the room and wants to shave as well. Like a good daddy, he puts shaving cream all over her face, and she shaves with him, same moves, but with a comb. Serious Daddy/Daughter moment. I wept. Father's Day is around the corner, and no daughter for hubby to be a daddy to. It was very poignant. And I'm a sap. But, yeah, I was a little blown away by my reaction to that. Apparently it's not just Pg bellies and ultrasounds that will do me in anymore.

Okay, I will stop now. I think I covered everything I wanted to, and if not, oh freakin' well, there's always tomorrow. I'm off to read some new blogs! Happy ICLW to you all :) I am leaving you with a video of a song that gets me through, and has for years. One of my support songs. Now, the video is absolute cheese, as it was the 80's, so if you can't take it, close your eyes and just listen to the words. Enjoy. Happy Friday and Happy Reading!

Stupid Uterus - Contest!!!

CD 31 and no AF. A while back I wrote a letter to her, and mentioned that soon I would actually welcome her arrival. See, as soon as she shows up, I get to go in for b/w, and an appointment with the dildo-cam, and then start BCP. But nooooooo, she's late. Really?

And here's the weird thing....knowing that I cannot get pregnant, not by doing the BD, no matter with whom, some little part of me is still thinking, "Should I POAS?" Say for instance that one of my tubes isn't all the way blocked, that it was just a spasm. Say that one of my dalliances with Frog actually allowed the meeting of egg and sperm. It's irrational, to say the least, not to mention, that would be .... awkward at best if that had happened. And yet....I can't keep it out of my mind. Weird.

Then again, my cycles have been known to run anywhere from 26 to 34 days, and I have been on a lot of new meds this last month, so it could just be delayed O. *Shrug*. Crazy what our minds can do....find hope where really, none exists.

I am just anxious to get this pre-cycle started, get the ball rolling so that I feel like I'm doing SOMETHING, even if it's our only shot. Damn you, uterus.

Anywho, I name lots of things i.e. my ipod (Ichabod), my car (Rosie), my stomach (Lucille), etc. I don't have a name for my uterus. And I speak to her often enough these days that I feel she deserves a name. So I'm throwing it out there to my Bleeps. Let's name my uterus! Feel free to post any ideas in the comments and we shall see what wins :) Winner gets an 8x10 photo of mine (not of me, one I've taken) of their choice!!!! So, start thinking!!!

Wordless Wednesday: Storm clouds brewing

After a week of feeling quite well, I'm back to the storm clouds...

May Reflections

Before I dive into what I realllllllly want to post about today, I'm going to catch up on a couple of things. First, Kristin proposed a Blogging Without Makeup Day, where we post a pic of ourselves without makeup and rock it :) Here is me, glasses, no makeup, no contacts. Bad lighting, glare on the glasses :)

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Secondly, I missed a couple days. I spent the night at F&P's Saturday night, and Frog had been feeling not right for almost a week. Sunday morning he got out of bed to go to work and fell over. Major joint pain. So off to the hospital we went. I'd had about 1 1/2 hours of sleep (thank you insomnia once again). Just a viral infection. He's fine. But I was too exhausted the rest of the day to do a damn thing. Yesterday, I was cranky, irritable, and seriously PMS'ing. Still no sign of AF, but I just couldn't be bothered, yet again.

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Yesterday was also the hearing for Drunk Mom. We showed up. Lawyer and the woman showed up. A police officer came in. The judge came in. Turns out that the arresting officer has quit the department so there was some confusion as to what happens next, plus, the lawyer had decided they were going to waive the initial hearing anyway. So we were not needed. No idea what happens next or if we will even know. *Sigh*

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So, on to what was supposed to be Sunday's post. I got to thinking...we all have months we dread....months that have some sort of history for us that make them difficult. I started thinking about May in particular, as May is REALLY hard for me usually. And it occurred to me that though difficult things have happened in every other month, I'm sure, May has been consistent in terms of life changes for me for 11 straight years! Insane. Here's the breakdown:
1999 - graduate from college.
2000 - accepted to Peace Corps and my mom had a nervous breakdown.
2001 - leave for Peace Corps (6 months later I had a nervous breakdown and came home).
2002 - my dearest grandmother who taught me to love music, Mother Nature, and beauty in general passed away. The last photo taken of her is with me.
2003 - hired by the organization that would take me to California - best job EVER.
2004 - moved in with my soon-to-be-wife.
2005 - meet the women who would become my support in SoCal, beginning my drag king career. Incidentally, the main woman was our MC of sorts at my wedding to DH.
2006 - Hired officially by the company that would lead indirectly to me meeting my DH.
2007 - moved in with DH, post divorce from the wife.
2008 - move with DH and some friends to a house in the town of our dreams and begin planning our wedding. Incidentally, start TTC
2009 - having run out of options, we had been living with my dad back here in PA - May is when my dad went off the deep end, threatened DH and we had to move overnight into a crap apartment to get away from him. Major blowup and change in the relationship with my father. Realize we may have TTTC and start becoming frustrated with the whole thing.
2010 - I go off the deep end, and we are beginning the pre-cycle to our first IVF as soon as the red-headed step-child shows her ugly face....which could lead to the biggest change in our lives yet......

So....that's May in my life. Never a dull one, not for years. I've been waxing quite philosophical lately, and perhaps it is because of May. I had thought to insert photos from some of these moments, but alas, I am not at home. Plus, then this post would realllllly be enormous. As opposed to mildly enormous.

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I spoke about signs a few posts ago. I got 2 this week past. First, a ladybug landed on DH's shoulder. That's good luck, I believe. I'll take it. Sign 2: a book I had read about on someone else's post looked really intriguing...and it turned up on Pixie's shelf. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth which turned out to be one of the most fascinating reads of my life. She is an amazing woman. I am reading all I can, not for me, not in some sort of hopeful preparation, but for Pixie. I am going to be part of the support team for her birth. So I need to be prepared. Preparing for HER birth takes my mind off of things. Kind of. Well, not really, but I feel I'm helping, which always makes me feel better. So, those are my good signs. I'll take them. Whatever help I can get, I will take it.

I apologize for the long post. My brain doesn't ever quiet down, and so if I miss days I feel I have to just GET IT ALL OUT. So there you go. Happy week, Bleeps.

Answers!!!

Alright, I didn't get a whole lot of questions, but I am answering nonetheless! And thank you so much for asking! So here goes:

K asked the following: If you were going to be stuck on a deserted island, which 5 books, movies, people and foods would you take along? She really knows how to ask 'em, doesn't she? Let's see...(I took some liberties with numbers....)

BOOKS: (in no particular order) NOTE: This is damn near impossible for me....I read like a fish swims....it's air to me. Narrowing down is VERY difficult.

1. Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver
2. The Complete Fiction: The Bean Trees, Homeland, Animal Dreams, Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver (no, it's not cheating if they published them all together!!!!)
3. Tales of a Female Nomad: Living at Large in the World by Rita Goldman Gelman
4. Side by Side by Isabel Miller
5. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

MOVIES:

1. Dead Poet's Society
2. Avatar
3. Harold and Maude
4. Mamma Mia
5. Life Is Beautiful

PEOPLE:

1. Dearest Hubby
2. My dear friend Colleen
3. Frog (and Pixie) - hey, they're a couple, they count as 1
4. My dear friend Emo (and his girlfriend - same thing applies as above)
5. Bird (another dear friend) and her wife Dani

FOODS: (This is an odd list, but I can do a lot with these ingredients!!!)

1. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream
2. Shrimp anything
3. Salsa
4. Eggs
5. Variety of Vegetables

Next question from Erika is: What is the sure way your DH can make you smile? Well, Erika, the answer to that is for him to hug me from behind, wrap his arms around me, and kiss my shoulder. It's the simple things. That makes me feel incredibly loved....don't know why, it's just the way it is.

A while back Stickles was curious about my open marriage: I'm curious now about how long you've been married and if this was something you agreed to before you got hitched. I answered her on her blog, but will share again here. This was my response to that: Basically it's more for me than DH. He's content. I'm a super-sexual and physical person and have a hard time with monogamy. I don't entirely see the point. So, DH was always cool with me being with other women. Though it hadn't happened. The ability to be with other men is new, tho on the DL - he doesn't want details. And mainly because of the one couple, and basically, I'm exclusively with them. That's a compromise for me, really. But, with everything else on my plate, that's okay. DH knows that I want to come home to him, and raise my children with him.

Last but not least, Anxious Mummy asked: Who is your eye candy? Which superstars (movie, music, whatever..) do you salivate over? List 5 if you can!! Oh, I can TOTALLY list 5. LOL. This is a totally incomplete list, just the first 5 I could come up with.

1. Ani Difranco
2. Robert Downey Jr
3. Michelle Rodriguez
4. Sean Connery
5. Elvis Presley

So, my lovely Bleeps, that's that. I realize it's a wicked long post, but hey, I didn't ask the questions, you did!!! Thanks to all of you :) I am now off to catch up on 2 days of Blog reading since I was a total slacker yesterday. HUGS!!!

What do YOU want to know about me?

Yesterday was a great day....I cried once, but Frog distracted me, and the day turned out to be the best one I've had in a couple of months. I think I am turning a corner. I am at peace, for the moment, and enjoying it. I added this photo today because of the peace it brings me to see it...it was taken the day we laid my grandmother and grandfather's ashes to rest. We floated them down a creek, followed by flowers from their property. In the same way, I think I am starting to lay to rest some of my grief.

So, I am refusing to dwell on anything negative today, and I would like to take a page from Kristin and open up the field to questions. Things you want to know about me, things that make you go hmmmm on which I may have a different perspective. Ask anything you want. I will answer honestly, and openly. You all support me in ways I cannot even give enough thanks for, and I would like to know what YOU want to know about this little crazy infertile :) So ask away!!!!

Celebratory Society

Think of this as the most interesting delurking project you'll ever participate in. After giving back to others at the Celebratory Society, I have decided to participate in it myself. You can understand the project in full by clicking here, but in brief, the Celebratory Society is an online festschrift for a blogger--a way for you to tell me what my blog or actions mean to you. But this isn't about me--this is about you too. And I would love it if you returned to your own blog, started your own Celebratory Society post, added it to the main project list, and gave me the opportunity to tell you about...you.

A Story of Doubt

I am still being completely unproductive. Every morning I get up and say, "I'm going to do this...or this...or whatever" and then I lay on the couch, watch tv or read, and then head over to Frog and Pixie's house. Where I lay around and do nothing. Anyway, I thought today I would share a little of my doubt with you, a story...

Before I met my husband I was married to a woman. We had started talking about kids, but she was going to carry. This was before my clock started ticking away the seconds until I was "too old" to have kids. We were at a party at a friend's house, mostly work friends. One of these women was at the time the mother of 2 small children, and she was talking about this "test" to see how many children and what gender you would have. Old wives' tale sort of thing.

What you do is thread a needle, and holding the thread, dangle the needle over your forearm. If it sways, you are having kids. The direction (vertically up and down the arm or horizontally across the arm) determines the gender. The number of times indicates the number of children. Did that make any sense? Anywho, she had someone else do it to her to prove that it works. Hers showed 2 boys and a girl....she had one of each at the time. So we did it to others, 2 lesbians both with young children, and it showed THEIR children. I think we did it with my wife, but I can't remember the outcome.

What I do remember is my outcome. Nada. Zilch. Zero. That needle didn't budge. I didn't think much of it at the time, because I was big on adoption or my wife carrying the baby/ies. These days, it haunts me. I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY MIND. It's one of the reasons I don't hold high hopes for our one and only IVF coming up in a mere few weeks, or an FET next year (if we have embies frozen). But I refuse to give up, at the same time.

Now, I believe in signs. But I'm not superstitious in the traditional ways (black cats, walking under ladders, etc). But that to me is a sign, not a superstition. And I can't let go of it. Frog talked to DH one night and later told me that DH feels I've already given up. Perhaps I have. It's all because of that stupid needle.

I need a sign that will prove that damn wives' tale wrong. I've been looking.....waiting.....hoping.....nothing yet, that I see as a sign anyway. Maybe I have given up. Is that possible? That I've given up and yet am still pursuing treatment? Is that totally weird?

Still Crazy After All These Pills

The above title post should be sung to Simon and Garfunkels "Still Crazy After All These Years". I'm thinking of rewriting the whole song....hmmmm....that would give me something to do for the next 2 weeks.

That's right, bleeps. Another 2 weeks off in crazy-land. I have to fight THE MAN a bit harder for these 2, but that puts me back at work a mere week before starting my IVF cycle. LOL. The irony is awesome.

So, update on crazy land is as follows: still barely sleeping (Insomnia, I hate you). Still having panic attacks, just not as frequently. Still breaking down crying randomly. Well, breaking down and no tears come because of the meds, but still. So, verdict is...da da dum: keep Zo.loft dose the same and give it 2 more weeks to stabilize me. Stay on At.avan for attacks. Add Lu.nesta for insomnia. And continue to relax and hide from the world and situations that make me freak out. And find a therapist I like and can deal with.

Now, I am supposed to be GAINING weight before my cycle because I'm on the low end of healthy for my height and what not. I struggled to put weight back on after my initial drop of 10 lbs in January right after DH's Dx. I got there. But I've lost a few. I'm losing ground. Turns out Zo.loft can cause weight loss. I'm gonna have to break out the big guns.

Also, RE nurse says I will most likely have to discontinue Zo.loft while cycling, along with all my other happy drugs. This terrifies me. I'll finally get to a point where I can deal (I hope) and then have to stop those meds and start all the hormones that will make me WORSE!!! How on earth am I going to work? Only saving grace is the intermittent (read UNPAID) FMLA for which I have been approved once I do go back to the real world. Oh, yeah, I'm relaxing. No problem.

I want to apologize for being a Debbie Downer. I try not to dump ALL of this on friends and family, because then they don't want to talk to me. Who would? So I vent it all out here. I know that's the point, but I hate being a whiny bitch.

Having said that, I would also like to thank all of my bleeps who commented on yesterday's post with fantastic advice and support regarding marriage and IF. I REALLY appreciate it. You ladies make my day sometimes. So, Thank You Very Much :)

Wanting to be Wanted

Yesterday I retreated to Frog and Pixies for cuddles and love. I needed to be held. And to cry....which I did in spades. DH was at work, and, well, not around. I don't think he knows what to do with me. How to comfort me. He retreats into games and to his friend who acts as though he is 12, driving me up the wall.

I know I am blessed not only to have a husband who adores me, but also Frog and Pixie who love me. I am thrice blessed in love. I can feel F and P's love, and how much they want me there, want to hold me. I don't always feel that with DH. He wants so badly for me to be okay that he lets me go and be elsewhere, not understanding I go there to get what he withholds.

Have I told him this? Not in so many words. I don't want him to feel guilty. He's let me spend the last 2 weeks moping, watching TV, crying, and basically whatever else I want to do. Makes me sleep in. (Now if only I could get him to do housework). But what I want most from him is to be held.....to feel the want and love flowing off of him.

I'm a very physical person....I crave touch. I NEED touch. He needs to hide. I get that. I get that we handle things differently. I suppose if I can get what I need from anyone, then I should count myself lucky, but I miss the passion. All of this has taken that away from us. It's all finances, medicine, and even BD is lacking. Because it's hard to see the point. How terrible does that sound????

Does anyone else feel this in their marriage? That IF has turned it into a passionless void? *Sigh*. Maybe I'm just hard to please. Maybe once we are actually cycling it will be better. I dearly hope so.

Always There, Never Gone, Forever Strong

Grown In My Heart is presenting a Mother's Day Adoption Carnival. The idea is to post a photo of your Mom(s), and write a piece about them in 6 words. Unfortunately I have no decent photos of my MIL's just of them, but they, too, shall be honored today. However, my mother is one of my favorite subjects. We have had our issues, on and off, over the years, but nevertheless, she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever known. 6 words....that is difficult, but here goes: "Always there, never gone, forever strong."

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommy's, and also to those of us striving to be a mommy to something other than a furbaby. Or to our friends. Or just in our hearts. You are all amazing, strong, beautiful women - and we will all somehow survive this terrible ride on the IF Rollercoaster and come out the other side stronger, more compassionate, and forever changed, but ever more beautiful for it.

2 Mother's Days ago is right around when I went off of BCP and we began TTC. I thought for sure by last year, I'd be a mother, have a baby keeping me up all hours. Alas, it was not to be. So, I thought, this year. But then we got the reality of male and female factor infertility. Doing the BD became irrelevant, and our lives changed forever.

I have refused to purchase anything baby related during this process. Can't do it....including the fabulous wooden rocking bassinet I found for $25, antique. But friends have outwitted me. One is holding all of her maternity clothes, and a baby swing for me. She is confident we will prevail on our IVF cycle. Yesterday, Pixie and Frog found a crib circa 1979, metal, probably not considered safe anymore, in their crawl space, that has decorations that to them screamed my name. And so, I have inherited a crib. I don't even know how to feel about it.

But it's coming home to be cleaned up, and .... I don't think I can put it in the spare room, the current cat room, yet. So probably store it in the basement. But maybe I can look at it as hope, as "when" instead of "if" and use it as inspiration. I have a crib.

I have included a video this post. When I first heard this song YEARS ago, I thought, "When I have a daughter, (or son, but I always imagined a daughter) I will sing this to her...this will be the song I will learn and sing to her." It's the closest I have to having purchased baby things in anticipation, besides the names picked out years ago. I want to share it with you. The artist's name is Vienna Teng, and I'm playing it for the daughter I will someday have. To you, my love.

Photo Tag!

Mrs. Gamgee has thrown out a challenge. It is supposed to be to tag 8 fellow bleeps and do this yourself, but like Mrs. Gamgee, I am just going to throw it out there to my followers and maybe some of you will do it. Here it is:

1) Go to your photo files, select the 8th photo folder.
2) Select the 8th photo in that folder.
3) Post that photo along with the story behind it.

4) Then challenge 8 blogging friends to do the same!

So, I was thankful to see that my 8th folder did not contain any nude photos. LOL. Yes, there was that possibility. What you get instead, is the above photo, not taken by me, of our furbaby Buddha. This is before we got him, a pic emailed to us so we could see his adorable self before going to get him.

Now, he came with the name Buddha, because he was a big round belly as a young pup. Let me just state that his is the least Buddha-like creature known to man.

Here he is as he looks now (though this photo is a year old, and he was a mere 9 months old at the time, and very furry with a winter coat). But basically, he barely holds still, so this is the best one to see him.

Case in point about being non-Buddha-like....we are dog-sitting a friend's dog, named Bandit. Buddha has been getting completely out of control with jealousy when Bandit tries to snuggle with us. Last night DH and I were at Frog and Pixie's for dinner and fireworks from the carnival. Bandit's mom had told me to put him in the basement as he freaks out when there are fireworks. So we did. Put them both down there. Came home to a torn up basement door and lots of blood. Bandit ripped most of one of his claw off. I still need to clean up the mess.

Bandit is okay, but we had to lock Buddha back up in order to treat Bandit....and Buddha will NOT leave him alone. Keeps inciting fights! So he has spent a lot of time today in "time out". Grrr. He is very loving, but totally out of control at times. Poor Bandit just wants his foot left alone. *sigh*.

I took the 2 of them for a walk the other day and ended up in a sling for 2 days ... together they are un-manageable. I love them both dearly, but I am looking forward to Bandit going home tomorrow so things calm down a bit around here.

In other news...I am s l o w l y making my way through Project IF posts. I've only gotten through 35 or 36 of them. 150 to go! They are amazing, inspiring, and in some cases, very thought-provoking. I don't know if reading them helps me or not....they tend to put me in a rather down mood, and I certainly don't need help with that. But, we all worked very hard on those posts, put ourselves and our fears laid out bare for the world to read, and so I am going to continue.

Sent out 5 mother's day cards this week, and hand-delivered one to Pixie. I don't want to face tomorrow, but Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Cried wrote a wonderful piece about making mother's day OUR day....and I'm quoted in it :) So go check it out. Perhaps it will help you through your mother's day....

Hugs to one and all....some of you ladies and gents have had a really rough week....miscarriages, illnesses, etc. I am sending my thoughts and prayers to you.

"I think too much and I'm afraid of children"

First off...it's Photo Friday! This week is desks. As I am off work, here is the "man-cave" at home where I usually blog. (Today, of course, being the exception - I'm at Frog's house). Yes, it's a mess, most of it mine. DH can't wait to get another desk and set up the 2nd computer so that he can have his desk back and free of all my shit.

As for the title of this post, my favorite TV show of all time is M*A*S*H, and in the final episode, Hawkeye says that...or something very close. (I couldn't find the exact quote, unfortunately.) Anywho, it applies.

I have wanted to post the past couple of days, but just couldn't narrow down what to say. My brain just NEVER shuts up, and I don't want this to turn into the most rambling blog of all time. And while being "afraid" of children might be an overstatement, it's close. Going out, seeing baby stuff, kid stuff, kids....makes me shut down. Makes me walk away. So, this quote has been running through my head for a couple of days now.

I'm so overwhelmed by my energizer bunny brain that I don't even know where to start, honestly. I'm on CD18 - in a couple of weeks I start BCP and then it's on to the actual IVF stuff. I'm nervous. I'm terrified, to be honest. Of it not working. Of the injections. Of the possible disappointment. And I go back to work next week....4 more days off. I'm petrified of that. I am doing better, but still quite nervous about the real world, followed very closely by possibly the most important 4-6 weeks of my life medically, and emotionally, speaking.

It's all too much. Thus....no posts for a couple of days. I just didn't know where to begin.

Mother Nature and Her Mocking Ways

Pixie and I went for a walk the other day...by the canal and river in our town. It was a treat to me to see another part of our town, and to have an excuse to take more photos. Spring is in full bloom, and Mother Nature, my goddess, is quite the busy lady. Her work is everywhere to be seen, heard, smelled, felt, touched.....Can you see this flower? Can you imagine it's soft petals, it's odor, the buzzing of bees around it? I hope you can.

The downside to this walk was the very obvious part of Spring in Mother Nature's world...offpspring. Cute, fuzzy, toddling offspring. There were a myriad of nesting ducks, as well as this gaggle of geese and goslings. The most adorable sight. And then I went downhill. For 2 days. The beauty of this birth and growth and natural occurrence with the cycles of Earth...that I have to put myself through torture very soon to accomplish kind of hit me hard.

When DH and I started TTC, I had any number of ideas of how I would announce to him that he was going to be a father. It's his dream. More, even so, than it was mine when we first met. He will be an incredible father...it's why I married him. It's saved me from wanting to shoot him sometimes. LOL. I thought of onesies, cards, some sort of clue....slipped onto his pillow, on his recliner. Something to surprise him with this wonderful news.

I have been robbed of that. He will know everything when I do. There will be no surprise announcement. We will walk through this together. Which maybe is better. But I still feel robbed. For our family members not following our struggle too closely we may be able to provide a surprise. But realistically, the surprise is all gone. One night of love will NOT create our darling baby. Instead, needles, doctors, and a lot of luck will.

So, Mother Nature, I love you. You are my guide, my love, my peace....but you mock me right now. I am conflicted about you. Damn you and your harmonious cycles. But thank you for the reminder that life bursts anew with regularity and grows and changes.

A Day At The Zoo

The meds are definitely kicking in....but let me back up a minute. Last post I came out about my open marriage, and I have mentioned previously my Pg friend. She is half of a couple with whom I play. There. It's out. So, henceforth they shall be called Frog (him) and Pixie (her). Right now it is more of an intense friendship while I deal with her pregnancy. Our relationship and my news about my blocked tubes came only days apart...it's been a rollercoaster. Anywho, point about the meds is that I've been seeing more of them again, and today we went to a CHILDREN'S zoo so I could take photos for their nursery.

There were children EVERYWHERE. Pregnant moms, nursing moms, strollers, toddlers, you name it. And I held it together. I'm alright. Numb. I had to stop a few times and collect myself, but I survived. Part of it was being outside, in the sun, and enjoying the fresh air and beautiful views on the drive we took.

I also mentioned photography. To that end, I'm posting some photos from today's little journey (none of Frog and Pixie for their protection), but some of my "work." Hope you enjoy!

Frog took this one of me. I'm such a hippy. It was so beautiful....

This skull was in one of the exhibits...I just really liked it. Reminded me of the southwest....

How beautiful are these 2??? I did a lot of cropping with the zebra photos as well for the fun of texture, much like the feathers below.

I can't believe I caught this image! Insects are terribly difficult to catch. It's on an azalea bush.

This is a close up of the feathers of a Lorikeet....not the same one as below...

I didn't want to go crazy and post tons. But now that I've figured out how to put photos in here, I shall be posting more. I hope you all enjoy. If not, oh, well! It's my blog!

To end NIAW I am reposting the below video from Heather at Our Incredible Journey. It's fantastic, and DH and I are in it! We're the silly ones sticking out our tongues. So are many other bloggers. Enjoy, and stop by her blog. Happy weekend all.