Out Of The Petri Dish...Into the Fire: Who Is This Crazy Lady and Where Did The Original Me Go?

Celabratory Society

Think of this as the most interesting delurking project you'll ever participate in. After giving back to others at the Celebratory Society, I have decided to participate in it myself. You can understand the project in full by clicking here, but in brief, the Celebratory Society is an online festschrift for a blogger--a way for you to tell me what my blog or actions mean to you. But this isn't about me--this is about you too. And I would love it if you returned to your own blog, started your own Celebratory Society post, added it to the main project list, and gave me the opportunity to tell you about...you. Here is my link to the project: Celebratory Society Post

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Who Is This Crazy Lady and Where Did The Original Me Go?

Today I had to be honest with my 2 closest friends here and tell them I can't handle being around them. In the beginning they were a comfort, a place I could go to let it all out. Now, they are only a reminder of everything I don't have. They have a house, aren't sweating the bills, and are expecting their first daughter.

She's starting to really show, and they are working on the nursery, choosing colors, paint, etc. And they are afraid to talk about it around me, or share with me, and that's not fair to them. Because it does make me go off the deep end.

I don't want to leave the house some days. I use up all my energy on making it through work, and then come home and can't be productive. My house is a mess and today is supposed to be the day to clean it. My parents are coming up tomorrow, and I can barely muster the urge to straighten up.

I have maybe 2 good days a week. Maybe. I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't want to talk to anyone. I get annoyed when friends try to contact me. They are frustrated because they can't help. I'm the person who cheers people up, makes them smile, motivates them. Or I was. Now....now I'm the one that needs all of that. This depression is all-consuming, it takes up my days and my nights. It renders me a totally different person than the one I know. Than the one I used to be.

A friend sent me this quote, and I don't remember who it's from, but it seems to be apropos to my life, who I am right now. Maybe I'll never get that person back....so who am I turning into? Who am I going to be? Infertility has given me an identity crisis....and it's terrifying.

"You will never be the person you were before the tragedy... no matter how much you want to be.."

4 comments:

MichelleApril 17, 2010 at 11:34 PM
I understand your pain. I felt the same way for the last year or so and it's a terrible all encompassing pain. The only thing that's helped is a plan, a therapist and lex.apro. I feel like a new person (most of the time).
Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon.. IF Sucks.
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NicholeApril 18, 2010 at 10:58 AM
Sweetie - you most definitely are not alone. I too struggled with depression before IF and IF has just multiplied it. I am so sorry!

Sending you lots of love and hugs
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UnknownApril 18, 2010 at 3:14 PM
HUGS!! Love you!!!
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AnonymousApril 25, 2010 at 11:15 AM
i completely understand. i've alienated myself from many of my friends. i just look forward to the day where i can start a new chapter. of course, i'll never forget how i got there but looking ahead rather than being stuck in the moment will be such a relief.

i don't know if you're considering this, but acupuncture might help. it's really helped me get to a more positive outlook -- and it can help IVF to boot.
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