Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What IF....

What IF we really aren't meant to have a child, to hold that child in our arms, right out of the womb?

This is my fear. 30 years ago, where we are right now in the process, we would have been out of options. We said when we started this process that if we needed IVF that we wouldn't do it, because that meant to us it wasn't meant to be. But we're making the preparations. But what if....

What if it's time to call it quits? What if I've gotten to the point where I no longer know WHY I want a child, if the roadblocks and hurdles are only bringing out my stubborn streak, causing me to pursue something that really isn't supposed to happen.

I struggle with our decision to pursue IVF every day. I wonder if it is the right thing to do. Ethically. Emotionally. For my life. Perhaps there really is a reason we are here. Perhaps we really are meant to just help other children who need a good home. Perhaps we are meant to just be great aunts and uncles. Perhaps whatever power is out there has different plans. Do I believe that? I don't even know anymore. "There's a reason for everything". Are we just fighting that reason?

What if we should just draw the line, grieve, and move on. Make that appointment at the foster agency, and help children whose parents could not be there for them. What if that is our calling in life? Can we move on and deal with that? I honestly don't know. What do I know? I know that whatever happens, we are considering fostering. I know that I was put on Earth to do some good, do something meaningful, to change someone's life if I can. Maybe IF is the bright, blinking arrow pointing me in that direction. Maybe all of this pain and sorrow is to prepare me to help children who have been through more than most of us can imagine. Maybe I need to consider that possibility.

What if Infertility is the powers that be telling me that this is my opportunity to do something amazing and wonderful for the world, or even just a small slice of it?

Note: This post was completed as part of the "What IF?" project in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. Remember- Infertility Hurts!

You can find out more information about infertility here:www.resolve.org/infertility101 and this url giving the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW):www.resolve.org/takecharge. Also, you can find out more information about the What IF? project here- http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/.


  1. I can't tell you if it's the right choice for you or not. Only that if you think you'll regret not trying, then you should probably go ahead. It's almost never the things we do that we regret the most, it's the things we didn't do.

  2. Interesting as I am having similar thoughts. I'm currently waiting for my first IVF appointment and I'm wondering how far down this road to go. I'd be happy to adopt and at some point I would like to. But, and as Jenni said above, I feel I need to at least try so I have no regrets.

    Good post. x

  3. That is he biggest What IF of them all isn't it? Only you can know what the best choice is for you.

  4. I am so glad you wrote that. I struggle with thoughts like this every day. Even the choice to go with fertility drugs came after two years of TTC denial. I feel very similarly about IVF as you do, and I don't know what I'll decide to do if and when the time to make that choice comes. Best of luck to you with the IVF. I really, really hope it works out for you.

  5. This is a beautiful post, so open and honest. Its a What IF I've asked myself numerous times, but for me its slowly becoming a reality. Some days I'm okay with it, and some days I'm not.

    I hope you come to the right decision whether to pursue further treatment or to stop.

  6. I struggle with this too, but I just can't believe that women like us who care so deeply about being great moms aren't meant to have that chance. I too felt called to adoption and we have an amazing son who joined our family thru the miracle of open adoption, but I still long to experience pregnancy. I too wonder if our path to parenthood lies exclusively in adopting, but I can't believe that is true--though we are overjoyed at the idea of adopting many more kiddos! And sometimes I wish I could just get off the TTC wagon already. It's been 4 years, and it's exhausting, as you know. Great post, and good luck with your next steps!

  7. Here through the What If project.

    thank you for sharing this, it was a beautiful post. I asked myself a lot of those questions, before the IVF. I asked myself "what if the IVF doesn't work and all this money and time and tears..are they for nothing?"

    I know that there will always be "what ifs" no matter how your path continues. You seem to be a very open and big hearted person and I hope that your prayer and your path, whatever they are...come true and bring you lots of joy.


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