Photo Friday, Who Am I?

First off, Happy Friday! This morning I stumbled across a Happy Thing: Photo Friday at Creating Motherhood. And so I shall be participating. This week's theme? Cooking and Beverages. Sadly, as I'm just joining, I was ill-prepared, so I'm just using Food as a theme. So here is DH eating ice cream for breakfast :) Silly man.

Secondly, I've been pondering doing a "Who Am I?" after seeing several of them on other sites during ICLW. It's been a rough week, so I'm just cramming it into today's post since I'm feeling semi-human this morning and would like to share. So here goes...(in no particular order):

1. I am a free spirit.

2. I am a daughter.

3. I am a big sister to 3 wonderful young women.

4. I am an aunt to my husbands 3 nieces and 2 nephews.

5. I am affected by anxiety and depression.

6. I am polyamorous - I have an open marriage.

7. I am a photographer...or I like to think I am. It's a matter of opinion. (This morning's pic does NOT count. LOL)

8. I am an infertile.

9. I am a friend.

10. I am an adrenaline junkie.

11. I am a music lover.

12. I am a book lover.

13. I am a pagan - my spirituality lies in the natural world.

14. I am a blogger - good or bad, I don't know...it's for me.

15. I am a crocheter.

16. I am a mother - if you count furbabies.

17. I am a cross between hippy and punk.

Maybe that sums me up, maybe it doesn't. I'm sure I could come up with more, but that's a good start. Now that I've figured out how to put photos in here, I hope to post more :) I always enjoy seeing others'.

I think the meds are starting to work. I watched UP last night and didn't break down. This is a miracle for someone like me who cries from the beauty of cotton commercials. I seem to be numb. There have been a number of BFP's this week all over Blog Land, and I took them in stride. So, yes, I think the meds are starting to do their job. The numbness is strange, but if that's what it takes to get me through this, then so be it.

Oh! DH and I have been subpoena'd to testify at the hearing for Drunk Mom in a few weeks. So, we continue to be part of that. I think that night is the straw that broke the camel's back with regards to my sanity....maybe the hearing will help turn it all around.

Peace out and have a great weekend!

Leave of Absence and other things

First the good news: Saline Sonogram went well. No pain, no polyps, no fibroids. Pretty little uterus. I didn't believe her. I asked 3 times to make sure, and then I cried. And couldn't stop crying. For hours.

I went to work and went straight to HR. I'm now on a 2 week LOA until the meds do their job. Doctor made me. And upped my dosage. So now I have 2 weeks to get myself sane.

I'm trying NOT to worry about the financial setback of this leave when we were just sort of getting on track. But I couldn't work. I just finally broke yesterday. I feel weak. Weak for not being able to handle everything, for having to admit I need help. For being a drain on my friendships. I hope this helps....

ICLW comes to an end today...I've read amazing stories, and seen a large number of BFPs here and on The Bump. The What IF project blew my mind. So many amazing ones, but my favorite by far was done by Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed. I hope you all got a chance to read some of these amazing stories.

What a week. And I've spent a lot of time contemplating our journey, as evidenced by my previous post. Today a friend wrote this to me:

"Don't let this life set back define you. There's far more to you than this set back. You are a beautiful animal. Sexy. Inspiring. Full of powerful energy when you harness it right."

I nearly wept. What pick me up on a day when I'm facing 2 weeks of nothing productive to do except baby myself and get myself healthy. Which aren't bad....just....weird.

Does IF totally define me? No. But has it become a large part of me, and does it change who I am forever? Yes...absolutely. There is no way around that.

What IF....

What IF we really aren't meant to have a child, to hold that child in our arms, right out of the womb?

This is my fear. 30 years ago, where we are right now in the process, we would have been out of options. We said when we started this process that if we needed IVF that we wouldn't do it, because that meant to us it wasn't meant to be. But we're making the preparations. But what if....

What if it's time to call it quits? What if I've gotten to the point where I no longer know WHY I want a child, if the roadblocks and hurdles are only bringing out my stubborn streak, causing me to pursue something that really isn't supposed to happen.

I struggle with our decision to pursue IVF every day. I wonder if it is the right thing to do. Ethically. Emotionally. For my life. Perhaps there really is a reason we are here. Perhaps we really are meant to just help other children who need a good home. Perhaps we are meant to just be great aunts and uncles. Perhaps whatever power is out there has different plans. Do I believe that? I don't even know anymore. "There's a reason for everything". Are we just fighting that reason?

What if we should just draw the line, grieve, and move on. Make that appointment at the foster agency, and help children whose parents could not be there for them. What if that is our calling in life? Can we move on and deal with that? I honestly don't know. What do I know? I know that whatever happens, we are considering fostering. I know that I was put on Earth to do some good, do something meaningful, to change someone's life if I can. Maybe IF is the bright, blinking arrow pointing me in that direction. Maybe all of this pain and sorrow is to prepare me to help children who have been through more than most of us can imagine. Maybe I need to consider that possibility.

What if Infertility is the powers that be telling me that this is my opportunity to do something amazing and wonderful for the world, or even just a small slice of it?

Note: This post was completed as part of the "What IF?" project in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. Remember- Infertility Hurts!

You can find out more information about infertility here:www.resolve.org/infertility101 and this url giving the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW):www.resolve.org/takecharge. Also, you can find out more information about the What IF? project here- http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/.

Bad Blogger

I totally missed a day of ICLW while recovering yesterday from a wicked hangover induced by a full night (I'm talking 8 straight hours) of drinking with a friend. It was intended to be my last crazy night before giving up drinking completely in prep for IVF.

I'm pretty sure it did it's job. I am so off the juice. LOL. She double-dog-dared me to run around naked in the rain. So I did. What am I, a college girl? I'm 32! And then I posted it on FB and my MIL saw it. Oh, dear. Go me.

So, the drinking is out of my system and I'm on the wagon. Sad I missed a day of ICLW, but I'm trying to make up for it this morning. I had 14 comments to publish!!! I feel so loved!

"Privacy"

I was talking to a friend last night about the dildo-cam and the joy of any visit to an RE, or OB/GYN. We had a good laugh about the "privacy" thing. And the irony of it. Meaning?

When you have any of these appointments, they take you to your room, hand you a paper-thin gown that will inevitably end up not covering much of you anyway, and then allow you to change in privacy...why is this?

As soon as they come back in the room, you will have to spread your legs, the world will see your every girly part, and if it's a yearly, your top comes off as well. So why the modesty of being allowed to change with no one in the room? They're going to see it all anyway! Not to mention touch, examine, and otherwise abuse you.

Not only that, but for many of us, those appointments end with us in tears in our half-dressed state, all dignity out the window. So, is the idea to allow you those 2 minutes of dignity before ripping it all away from you? It seems sort of ridiculous. We've lost all modesty. It's gone.

Seriously, let's just be honest, get down to business, and recognize that you, my dear RE or whoever, is going to see all of it. Just let me strip then and there. That will save us all time and the silliness of pretending there is any sort of privacy or modesty or secrets. I'd prefer it that way. It's not like we don't see the monitor and dildo-cam staring us right in the face the second we walk in the room anyway. So bring it on, no tip-toeing. Let's be real about this.

Update on Drunk Mom

DH's cell phone rang at 7 am (ugh....7 am....perhaps the half of a large bottle of wine last night was a bad idea) and it was the police officer who pulled over that woman the other night. What we now know:
1. She was very uncooperative and belligerent when she was pulled over.

2. The kids were released to their grandmother and are apparently okay.

3. They want to bring child endangerment charges against her.

DH and I both have to provide written statements to the police for them to take to the DA since we witnessed it. So, the saga continues. If I find out any more information, I'll be sure to update.

In other news, with the aid of aforementioned bottle of wine, I successfully hung out with my Pg friend and her hubby last night here at my house (safe non-baby room territory). Baby steps....ha! Baby steps. Nice choice of words, right? But it went alright. We avoided all talk of baby in belly. It's a start. I'm trying. I'm also hungover....ugh.

Also, quite enjoying my first ICLW :) Need more hours in the day to keep up with it all, though! Blogging has become a part-time job. If DH can't find me, he knows I MUST be on the computer in IF Blog Land where I spend so much of my time now. Love all of you ladies. Happy Friday.

There really are some things that are not fair

DH and I just called 911 to report a drunk woman we saw get in the car with her 2 children. Head on the steering wheel could barely walk drunk. I ran 5 blocks in shoes too big to try and follow her so we could tell the cops where she was. They got her.

And now I worry what this will do to her kids....but we couldn't let them get hurt.

She looked considerably younger than me, and those kids were not toddlers. So yes, I'm thinking "It's not fair" right now. Because we can't get pregnant and someone that obviously irresponsible not only did, but did twice, and is driving around with her kids when so drunk she can barely walk.

Things happen for a reason, people tell me that all the time. Tell me that reason, please. Tell me why that's okay, why THAT has a reason, and I'm here trying not to isolate myself from my friends because I can't have kids even though I would love them and cherish them and not intentionally put them in harm's way. Where's the reason in that? Huh? Someone please tell me...

Dear AF...

...I have known you for quite some time now, and I feel that I can be brutally honest, so here goes. I HATE YOU! But I will say that for a long time, it was only a detestation. In fact, there were a number of times when I welcomed your visit because it meant that my careless behavior did not cause me a permanent reminder of what's-his-name(s). You still annoyed me, though, with your abuse of my uterus and the emotional rollercoaster. But I accepted that you were part of my life, and that your arrival proved I was hormonally balanced (ha!) and that things functioned the way they were supposed to.

However, having said that, for the last 2 years you really have become the bane of my existence. All you do is remind me for 6 days a month of what I can't have. So screw you! And! it turns out that your arrival did NOT mean that all was well. In fact, I am seriously irritated by the amount of money I spent on preventing you from NOT visiting. You misled me, you hurt me, and most of all, you mock me. I wish you did not exist.

The odd thing is that, from what I read, in about 2 months I'll be hoping for your arrival so that I can start the process that will hopefully lead to your banishment for 9 months. So, despite my hatred of you, and my wish that you disappear for long months at a time, please take comfort in the fact that for 1 month, I will relish your arrival. Maybe that will help to lessen the blow of my complete and utter honesty with you. If not, I don't really care.

Thanks for listening,

Me

ICLW starts tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow begins my first ICLW April 2010, and I'm quite excited to spend some time getting to know new bloggers. Ready, set, comment!!!!

Scheduling my saline sonogram today, and FMLA paperwork has been started for intermittent leave during my IVF cycle, so that's 2 more hurdles nearly cleared before we get to begin. Deep breaths in and out....

UPDATE: Date with the dildocam is scheduled for next Tuesday....praying for good results and ha healthy uterus.

Awesome Video to Share

Someone posted this on The Bump - it's a great video to show people who may want to know what you are going through...

Coping With Infertility

Hope this helps someone :)

Who Is This Crazy Lady and Where Did The Original Me Go?

Today I had to be honest with my 2 closest friends here and tell them I can't handle being around them. In the beginning they were a comfort, a place I could go to let it all out. Now, they are only a reminder of everything I don't have. They have a house, aren't sweating the bills, and are expecting their first daughter.

She's starting to really show, and they are working on the nursery, choosing colors, paint, etc. And they are afraid to talk about it around me, or share with me, and that's not fair to them. Because it does make me go off the deep end.

I don't want to leave the house some days. I use up all my energy on making it through work, and then come home and can't be productive. My house is a mess and today is supposed to be the day to clean it. My parents are coming up tomorrow, and I can barely muster the urge to straighten up.

I have maybe 2 good days a week. Maybe. I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't want to talk to anyone. I get annoyed when friends try to contact me. They are frustrated because they can't help. I'm the person who cheers people up, makes them smile, motivates them. Or I was. Now....now I'm the one that needs all of that. This depression is all-consuming, it takes up my days and my nights. It renders me a totally different person than the one I know. Than the one I used to be.

A friend sent me this quote, and I don't remember who it's from, but it seems to be apropos to my life, who I am right now. Maybe I'll never get that person back....so who am I turning into? Who am I going to be? Infertility has given me an identity crisis....and it's terrifying.

"You will never be the person you were before the tragedy... no matter how much you want to be.."

Thanks To All The Ladies (and gents)

I want to throw out some huge THANK YOUS to the ladies of IF Blog Land as well as the Bumpies for being just the best group of women (and the occasional gentleman) on Earth in terms of support and understanding. I really appreciate it. I enjoy following your stories, and welcome input and responses, although it really is becoming quite the time-suck. LOL.

Today I was looking around more of a new blog I'm reading Are We There Yet?, whose daughter shares my name!!!, and found 2 of her pages that were just fabulous, and made my day. So I would especially like to thank her today :)

One page, You Might Be An Infertile If..., is just a fabulous read. You'll recognize yourself there multiple times, whether new to the process or an old hand. She borrowed it...and so am I.

The second page, Things I Wish I Could Tell People About Grieving Infertility, is a nice addition to an article I posted last month from Resolve. It's so pertinent to me, especially at this stage where I get tired of being babied, or tip-toed around, or blatantly avoided. I TRY to tell people these things, but sometimes it's just difficult. Maybe someone else will get some benefit out of me sharing it....

So, enjoy your weekend, enjoy your reading and posting, and here's hoping for lots of sticky embies, and BFPs this weekend.

FU IF (to quote someone else)

Sorry for the double post today, but I am OVER IT! Could we get just ONE POSITIVE APPOINTMENT, PLEASE????

DH had his endocrinologist appointment today. He has to put this nasty stinky testosterone gel on every morning, and can't be around me without a shirt on because of it. In 4 months I have been completely naked with him MAYBE 4 times. We thought today would bring a light at the end of the tunnel for this particular annoyance.

NOT SO MUCH. Apparently, this thing called Testopel that we've been hoping for all this time (it is inserted under the skin and dissolves over time - much easier long-term solution) can cause liver problems and so the doc ix-nayed it. Gel stays.

Can't wait for his prostate exam and bone density test because I have no doubt that will only bring more bad news our way. Why change up the stats now, right?

DH is a mess, I'm a mess, and I'm at work, stuck, trying to learn stuff I have to be able to tell customers in 2 days. Awesome.

F**K YOU, IF.

Turth, Lies, and Bounce

I really did grow up with Pink, aka Alecia Moore. We were 2 years apart, so not really friends, but did know her back in the day. She sang the National Anthem at my sister's graduation from Junior High and it made chills go down my spine. Of note, Justin Guarini (sp???) is also from my hometown, though I didn't know him. Apparently my sister did, though. Same year as Pink. Now you know.

Watch My Head Spin!

My RE nurse gave me an online class to watch/read. My head is spinning. I keep emailing her questions, and I think she is going to be sick of me. And we're still talking 2 months to go! Argh! Pre-cycle, actual cycle, meds, needles, consent forms. All of it is terribly overwhelming. Seriously overwhelming.

Just thinking about it makes me a little crazy. DH works 7 days a week and it's difficult to find him replacements, but we'll have to for ER and ET. Our money will be on our FSA card June 1 to order meds and everything, but who knows how that will coordinate with my actual cycle.

Plus, you know, real world stuff....like getting my driver's license done, getting the car ready for inspection, all of that has to happen before then, too. I think my brain synapses just overloaded. I can smell the burning....

Guilt

My nerves have been all over the place...some days totally fine, some days I can barely get out of bed. Saturday was a "spend all day moping" kind of day. I bailed on a birthday party and some friends. GUILT!!!

Why does guilt play such a large part of this journey? I can't help how I feel, but there it is. It hounds me sometimes. I want to be a good friend, and yet I hide from people some days. I have a good group of friends, and they are supportive, and yet, still....GUILT. Self-imposed GUILT. What is that about, anyway?

Other news: insurance will cover the cryo and 2 years storage. $3000 officially assigned to our FSA for DS and meds and paying some of the bills afterwards. It's a start. I'm nervous, and I've still got at least 2 months to wait. The waiting game is difficult, but things are slowly moving forward....

Up and Down and All Around

It's been a week of ups and downs. Today I hit a down. Woke up out of sorts, panicky. I still have one more test to go: Saline Sonogram. I'm not so much worried about the test itself having already gone through an HSG as about the results. EVERY test we have had has come out negatively. So, honestly, I'm nervous. It's a few weeks out (only on CD18 right now) but still worried.

Bumps and ultrasounds bugging me today. Tomorrow is a birthday party for my friend's 4 year old...I think I will be okay. I hope I will be. And newborn visit time. I'm just really on edge, worried, nervous....the wait, the anticipation of IVF is difficult to bear. I almost snapped at DH multiple times this morning. I felt so bad, but sadly, he's getting used to it. Going to try and take some time for JUST ME this evening after work to center myself.

My BFN or BFP is going to coincide with my BF's due date, right around there. I am supposed to be at the hospital with them....I am going to feel terrible if I'm unable to handle it. Maybe I'm just overthinking it all, but how can I not? Babies, kids, families are all around me. I think we're going to make an appointment at the foster agency once my new schedule starts, at least get the info on that - maybe that will be a distraction....

Must find that peace again....*sigh*....the ever fun rollercoaster of IF.

Peace Where I Can Find It

Since our news the other day, I've been pretty happy, no freakouts, no weird reactions to Pg bellies or kids. Hope is a cool thing. Still, I try to look for the things that will bring me peace overall, as opposed to nerves about IVF.

This morning I plugged into my iPod, grabbed a book, and spent a few quality minutes in the sunshine under a Tulip Poplar amongst the petals. There are some on my desk as I write this. Have you ever smelled or touched a flower from this magnificently blooming Spring treat? They are thick and waxy, but smooth. Flushes of pink/purple run from the base to the tip, and they feel like the softest skin ever. I laid in the sunshine running them over my arms, lips, like being caressed, breathing in their sweet odor, much like i hope to do some day with a baby of my own.

And for those few moments, and some snuck in here at work with my outside brought inside, I can maintain that peace, have those secret moments even surrounded by work, reminders, noise....

Where do you find your peace?

A Little Hope

Open enrollment at work begins next week, and I was taking a look at some things when my FSA jumped up and bit me in the face - BRAINSTORM! Is it possible to use my FSA to pay for donor sperm and cryo???? Why, yes it is! SCORE!!!!!

The lady at Benesyst (our FSA provider) said, "cryo-what?" Ahhh, yes, the joys of IF. When she called me back with an answer, she had to leave a voicemail. I checked it when I was with a bunch of people in my training class, and I started jumping up and down and running around and laughing. So of course, they had to know what could have possibly made me so happy. "I can use our FSA to pay for SPERM!!!!" The whole training class knows now. I was too excited for them not to ask.

What does this mean? Benefit year starts in June, so the money should be in our account by July. Yes, we'll be on a tight budget, but it comes out of my paycheck pre-tax, and we don't have to wait a year for our first cycle! So, here's hoping it works the first time around. *Fingers crossed* 2-3 months to get myself super-healthy and positive for sticky embies....

Just Keep Swimming....

I spent the weekend tracking down information about what meds are covered, copays, lifetime max's, etc. The question of embryo cryo is still up in the air. I have my case manager researching that. And now it's time to make a plan for the saving of $3000. Anyone know of a ticker for money saving? LOL.

I had a panic attack at work yesterday, with no discernible trigger. I am in training, so I pulled my trainer aside and "out-ed" myself, so to speak, and now have freedom to get up and walk around or get out for a breath of fresh air if needed. Going back on the phones in 2 weeks is going to be hell. Coworkers started talking about their kids, and I had to leave the room. BUT, I successfully watched Julie & Julia without freaking out too badly during those 2 little snippets...so I suppose that is progress.

In Blog land, I'm kind of excited...added to the Blogroll on Stirrup Queens, signed up for April's ICLW, and have a couple of new followers thanks to LFCA. It's good to not feel alone, at least in internet land. Real land, well, that's another story.

I am still struggling with whether IVF is the way to go or not. Stupid gut feeling saying it's not going to work and will be more heartache than it is worth. But, since it's not going to happen overnight, and we have to save for it, I've got time to make that decision. Does anyone else feel that way? How do you not lose hope?

IMPATIENT!!!

Alright, I'll admit it....I'm inpatient. I just want to move forward. But the reality is it's going to take months, maybe a year, before we have enough to move forward with the first cycle. A year of watching my friends bellies or children grow. A year of making baby blankets for other people, a year of AF pissing me off. A year of eggs growing older. A year of waiting and trying not to think about it. That's like telling someone, "Hey, you're gonna die tomorrow, but let's enjoy today!".

There is still this gut feeling that once we get there and try, that it will fail. That I'm not meant to be Pg ever. That maybe I should just accept that and move on to other options. But how can that be? Insert platitude here.

Money Money Money, Must Be Funny, In a Rich Man's World

Yeah, it's an ABBA quote. What can I say, I'm a disco queen at heart. But it's true. Money. Now, DH and I are not exactly doing well financially well. We have a stack of medical bills from last year already. And having just moved, are still figuring out a budget for the new place. No credit cards that we use - only ones we are paying off. And we rent, don't own. Which leaves us with no way to get a loan or refinance or mortgage or ANYTHING.

Where am I going with this? I'm learning that IF seems to be a game of hurry up and wait. My insurance will cover probably 1 cycle of IVF before we max out. And most of the meds for 1 cycle, but not even sure about that. DS obviously not covered, and they need 4 bloody vials. Why, I do not know. 10 eggs in a petri dish need 4 vials of sperm? I guess it's to be safe, but right there we're looking at $1065 with the shipping. Still don't know how much on meds. And that's the "cheap" sperm. That's the cycle that's covered. If it doesn't work, we'd theoretically be able to do FET for round 2, out of pocket, and I can't even imagine how we're coming up with the first chunk of money, much less the 2nd.

Bouncing around ideas for saving, raising, and otherwise procuring money.

On a happier note, it seems I am an EXCELLENT candidate for IVF. FSH levels are good, and when they did my U/S 6 months ago to check my ovaries I had 13 follies on the left, and 9 on the right. Apparently that's good. DH is rarin' to go - wants to see me pg yesterday, you know?