Friday, November 12, 2010


This week I have read a few posts about whether or not one is infertile after successfully achieving a viable pregnancy and subsequent child/children.  Apparently, some people feel that if you are able to get pregnant, you are no longer infertile. 

Ummm, really? Now, the posts I read totally disagreed with this statement, but had read it elsewhere.  I do as well.  Seriously.  Why do I disagree?

Hmmm, let's start with the fact that Hubby and I will NEVER get to see his kind eyes or goofy smile looking back at us from the face of our child.  NEVER.  I haven't talked much about this, but it's not easy.  We joke about the "baby daddy" and blaming all the bad traits on Mr. F1738.  It's our way of coping.  But it's a fact that will never change.

Another reason is that there is an excellent chance that this will be our only child, because we are not made of money.  And we did not want an only child.  We both had siblings, and it saddens us to think our child will be alone.  We got VERY lucky.  And we still hope there is a twin hiding in there somewhere.  In order to have another child we have to go through hell again.  This means we are, in fact, still infertile.

We try not to think about these things.  We try to make light of them, joke about them.  But they are always in the back of my head, eating away at me a little bit at a time.  But right now?  I get to be in the pregnant club.  And I am going to enjoy it for as long as I can until I have to face IF reality again.

In this same vein is my identity as a sexual being. (I watched the L Word all weekend...brought up some buried feelings)  In this area, I'm not as keen on labels.  Mainly because it is harder to define sexuality sometimes, I think.  But where the are you/aren't you thing comes into play is in my situation.  My 20's were spent almost entirely with women.  When I met my husband, or intermittently had boyfriends, I would get asked, "So you're straight again?" 

NO!  I'm still me.  I'm still attracted to A PERSON, not a GENDER.  I still consider myself a dyke.  And I'm polyamorous.  I don't like bisexual, but rather humanist, LOL.  Just because I am with a man does not change my attractions.  Just as being pregnant does not change the fact that I cannot have children without medical intervention. 

So what does all this mean?  It means I am a Pregnant Infertile Polyamorous Dyke who is married to a man.  LOL.  Did you catch all that?


  1. I was ready to say all serious supportive things in my comment here until you said "I am a Pregnant Infertile Polyamorous Dyke who is married to a man" and then all I could think was that would make a good episode of Jerry Springer! :) (Is that even still on anymore?)

    Anyway -- here are the serious supportive things -- whatever you are, you're awesome. :)

  2. I love the way you define yourself.

  3. Hey love you whatever you are, screw labels man. We all fall in some gray areas, whether we like it or not. I don't know why people are always looking to make it us versus them!

  4. If there ever was an exellent label, you've got it!

  5. I agree that infertility never changes the way you view your body, your children (or lack thereof) and your significant other.

    I love that your life is not boxed in. I sometimes feel as I mature my breadth of experience and options narrows...and yours remains wide open. I so respect that.

  6. Thanks for being your true self. Forget about labels....we are individuals who do not need to be categorized. Thanks for celebrating humanity tonight!

    As for the infertility issue, people don't realize the lifetime impact this will have on all of us. Shame on them.

  7. I don't know that you can truly ever be 'labeled' & I love that about you! You're hilarious & honest!

    And I also agree with you on the infertility subject - once & infertile always an infertile. That doesn't change once a baby is born! It becomes a part of you & you never forget the challenges you went through to become an infertile momma!

  8. Nope, sorry disagree with you...

    "I'm a Pregnant Infertile Polyamorous Dyke who is married to a man"

    No you're not. Why? Well you don't like labels remember?

    What you are is a soon to be mama who is comfortable in her own skin and her sexuality and who also is infertile.


    p.s. Love "attracted to a person not a gender" - so so true!

  9. My hubs and I just had this only child talk the other day...My hubs made the comment on our 100th trip to Chicago I cant go through this again...and I made the comment can you imagine life without your brothers because I cant imagine mine withought my sister and brothers....and then went on to say that once our parents are gone that is all we have is siblings...and then he said I made a good point....but as I ponder this we have 4 frozen embies left but how possibly could I ever go through this again....and with a child...there is no way...and even though it makes me so so sad...It is my reality and I am blessed to be pregnant now with Baby Hakes:) When we did our last IVF we made a pact that if it once again ended in miscarriage that we would be done and move on to adoption...So maybe siblings will come from us adopting in the future...thats the only way I see it possible...Anyhow....I just thought it was neat that you brought this up...Ive been wanting to talk abt this very subject with someone who is in a similar situation:)

  10. and I'm soon going to have a ton of kiddos for being infertile. I like how the world isn't black and white but shades of wheeeeeeeeee!

  11. That's what I like about you... You areYOU and no one can take that away. As far as infertily, don't we all wish someone can take THAT away from us?

  12. Well hey, more in common :) I identify bisexual because it's the easiest for people to understand, but I'm definitely more aligned with your statement of attraction to a person, not a gender. High-five to infertile ladies who like boobs. :)

  13. I agree...whatever you want to define yourself as (label or not!) the word awesome should be in there.

    I do understand your feelings about the sadness of siblings and seeing those things about your hubby that you love. It doesn't hit me very often, but occasionally, it hits me. I hope the nurture part of life gives him enough of me.



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