Friday, April 1, 2011

Out-takes From The Hospital

I mentioned in my birth story that I spent my time there cracking up the staff.  I thought I would share some of it with you in the interest of making sure you know everything they DON'T tell you.  Enjoy!
  • If they tell you that eating anything other than clear fluids/jello/popsicles during labor, they mean it.  Don't talk Hubby or SO or anyone into sneaking you even a few bites of food.  Now, it could have been the epidural, but whatever. DON'T DO IT.  Explosive vomit will ensue, and then you will have to pray they don't ask why your vomit looks and smells like shredded fish.  Ahem. 
  • Your hospital bag should include the largest socks you can find and unless you want to leave in hospital underwear (cuz let me tell you, they are UBER sexy, those mesh things - still wearing some in fact...don't knock it.  My regular underwear will sit right on my thanks!), go buy the largest, highest waisted underwear you can find.  Such as the ones your grandmother wears.  I mean it.  The reason for this is that if you thought the swelling in your feet was bad while you were pregnant, you were WRONG.  I looked like I put on Eddie Murphy's fat suit from Norbert or whatever that movie was.  All the way to my hips.  And all the bits in between...including THOSE bits. 
  • I became known as "the swollen one."  I got used to hearing, "Are you sure you didn't push?"  Yeah, I'm sure.  My girly bits were the size of a softball!  NOT COMFORTABLE.  OB: "Hmmm, yeah, you've got a bit of swelling there."  Me:  "A bit?  I've got elephantitis of the crotch!"  I took pride in showing it off! Every time there was a new nurse I would ask if she wanted to see.  LOL. Hey, it's not every week you get to baffle doctors and nurses alike.   We had to leave my catheter in an additional 36 hours for a total of 2.5 days of foley funness because I was so swollen peeing was out of the question.  Actually, they did remove it...8 hours later I was begging in tears for it to be put back in.  I am soooo glad I couldn't see the crazy swelling.  Feeling it was bad enough.  Brings a whole new meaning to "engorgement."  Actually...that was the benefit of it - when the nurse squirted water over my bits, I was so swollen that it was REALLY pleasurable.  Like, ummm, my reaction was a first for that nurse.  Ahem.
  • In case in your particular journey through IF managed to leave you with some of your dignity intact, get over it.  Fast.  Not just the internal exams and the delivery and all that.  After.  If you are breast feeding, plan on having your tatas manhandled by more people than you thought possible in such a short period of time.  And you know, I have been missing having someone else wipe me after using the bathroom since I was, you know, 3.  And you know what?  You won't actually care.  At all.  Which is kinda cool!\
In short, take your sense of humor with you, and all the weirdness will be overcome.  It's worth it.  It is.  Oh, and pack food, or have someone bring it as soon as they allow it.  I went 24 hours without food, and there was no way hospital meals were filling me up.  Contraband food is key.  AFTER they say you can.  Otherwise, see bullet point #1. 

And now, for some more smiles, the video I promised!  My son has REM sleep that is FASCINATING.  Every feeling in the world seems to cross his face, and it's so cool to watch.  Luckily it happens many, many times a day.  Best part?  His future smile comes through, uncontrolled, and it is such a great peek into the future...I hope you enjoy! 


  1. Oh, that video is AWESOME!!! :)

    Thanks for the advice! ;) Made me laugh and spew my water.

  2. Things what nobody tells you about giving birth ...

  3. Oh sooooooooooo cute!! and you totally cracked me up! Why were you so swollen? Did they tell you? Love, Fran

  4. Love, love, LOVE the video! This was one of my favorite parts of new motherhood--the sleep expressions! (Riley used to literally chuckle out loud in his sleep, and it was hilarious.)

  5. WOW! That's awesome! I didn't even know that could happen so early (the REM sleep).

  6. Love this post and I love the video.

  7. LOL, I knew some of this already. The swelling sounds WEIRD! I never went through that, although my c/s was not proceeded by labour! Video is super cute :)


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