Saturday, April 23, 2011

Due Date

Today was our due date.  Easter weekend, Spring in full swing.  It's so odd to think that I could have still been pregnant!  Instead I have a nearly 5 week old perfect little boy. 

There are things I haven't shared, feelings...and I feel that today, on this important date, is as good a time as any.  I want to preface this by saying that I do NOT feel like a failure, nor am I truly disappointed in the sense that it will affect me long-term, but it is something I am working through.

This may sound odd, but I really looked forward to labor.  There is good pain and bad pain...and I considered labor to be good pain.  And truth be told, for the VERY brief time I was having decent contractions, I was quite enjoying the process.  Yes, I was in pain, but it had a purpose, and I was INVOLVED.  I never got to transition, which I understand is a whole other ball game, but I honestly think I could have handled it had things gone a bit differently. 

As you know, that didn't happen...things took a drastically different turn.  And that is okay, because it was the best course of action for Peanut.  However, I think it really made it difficult for me to adjust to associating the baby I saw with the kicks and squirms inside me...I was removed from the process.  And because of my anxiety, needed sedation in order to not completely freak out about the surgery itself.  So I then lost some connection to the event.  I look at the photos of me seeing him for the first time, and the look on my face bears absolutely no resemblance to the thoughts in my head at the time.  It was sooooo difficult to wrap my head around it.  And my memory is fuzzy, and I hate that. 

I thought I was okay about all of it though.  Until I was watching "Knocked Up" the other day.  When she was in labor, she was so PRESENT, so part of it.  And then the baby is on her chest.  That's the part I missed.  Feeling as though I was actually a participant in my son's birth, seeing him right away, that immediate physical connection to the process.  Quite honestly, I cried watching it.  I will go so far as to say I grieved.  It's not something that is going to screw me up for a long time, and I don't feel like a failure.  I have come to terms with my idiot body.  Mostly.  But I needed to get it out. 

Has anyone else had this experience? 

I still call him "her" on occasion.  Again, wouldn't change a thing, and I'm absolutely NOT grieving the daughter I thought I would have.  But have you ever watched "Charmed' the TV show?  The eldest sister is convinced she is having a girl her whole pregnancy because, like my family, girls are the dominant feature.  So, it's just odd in my brain still that there was a penis in me all that time, LOL.  This part is harder to explain...but it makes me laugh.  How utterly wrong my instinct was.  But I have the opportunity to raise a good man, and honestly, that is quite an opportunity.  I am honored to have it.


  1. you know, even though i got the birth story i "wanted," more or less, i still feel messed up about parts of it. i asked around, and it sounds like that's common and just part of the package.

    re: baths, that picture is hilarious! we are having much more fun with baths now that we've stopped with the sink. i get in the tub and hold the bean while sugar helps scrub him. he stays warmer, since the water can be deep (because i am holding his head out of it), which i'm sure helps. plus, it is super fun.

  2. I haven't had an experience like yours, although things didn't go as planned with my baby's birth either (but when do things go as planned anyway?), we are both great mommy's and have awesome little men!

  3. heck yea you are grieving the loss of a labor and delivery that you dreamed of. Just like we grieved the loss of a natural conception, there are certain expectations that we have and when things turn out differently we can be thrilled with the outcome, while going through a process of letting go of our previous dreams.

    Much love you you dear lady!

  4. My outlook on labor changed a lot after having Lily, there were so many things I thought I had control over before that and now I've let go of a lot of the things I thought I had to have with labor and at this point although I'd still like a lot of those things ultimately I just want a healthy baby. Although I completely understand what you're saying in terms of grieving another things that was taken from us.
    Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words on my blog tonight, you totally made my night! I so, so appreciate all of your support and encouragement on this journey!
    I just caught up on your most recent posts and your little boy is SO incredibly precious! Sending lots of love your way ((hugs))

  5. Holy chicken! Due date today!! Wow!
    But here I am, raising my hand. You may remember I had a long post about how I felt totally disconnected. The rushing to theatre, the bleeding, the fear the baby would die/be dead already and then in what to me seemed like five minutes the doctor lifted over the curtain this baby and said "here's your baby!". WHAT??? where did he come from? I used this phrase and I think it was so true, that it felt like a magician pulling out a rabbit from a hat. I also had no contact with the baby (bar a couple of kisses) till I was well in my room (not the recovery room, in my room). Who was that little creature? Was I really pregnant just a few hours before? Really? No memory of it whatsoever and let me tell you, it was not a nice feeling. I'm ok now, really. The fact that I couldn't nurse though meant it took even longer to "connect". My psychologist actually said that I should try and put him to the breast even if I'm not nursing because it will help re-establish that deep connection. Oliver refuses to even try. There's also a thing she said about the fact that breastfed babies tend to be more certain about their sexuality in the future (?? mmh raising an eyebrow here) but given that I'm absolutely open to whoever Oliver will be, whether gay or straight or neither provided he's happy, I don't care much about it.
    It does definitely get much better as they get more interactive. You are doing great. Love, Fran

  6. Honestly, even with a natural birth (both times), I felt sort of disconnected. If you ask me what I was thinking at those times, I couldn't even tell you. But I don't think I really bonded with either my son or my newborn daughter until long after the labor was over. Until just a few weeks ago, I would look at my daughter and think, "really ... that was YOU in there?" I don't know why ... I think it's different for everyone. But I know that I love her to pieces, and I can't wait to see who she will become. I know you'll feel that way about your son, too.

  7. I get how you feel about your L&D. My labour did NOT go any where near they way I envisoned it and I still grieved the events and how they took place. I had a vaginal birth, little tearing, epi and was induced 24 hours afer my water broke as things weren't getting going on my own. My son was early which I wasn't mentally prepared for and I too wanted a girl. I was angry about my birth for at least a good year if not more. I felt my midwife used scare tatics as I wasn't pushing hard enough she said they would need to get forceps or a vacuum when there was no fetal distress. (It worked.) But after 40 + hours of going through the process I think I was allowed to be tired and not push hard every time. All that bugged me and still bothers me occasionally. Sorry, not trying to write a book but I get it totally.

  8. Happy Easter.

    I do understand what you are saying.

    Can't add more to it though. I had a C-section too.


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