Today was our due date. Easter weekend, Spring in full swing. It's so odd to think that I could have still been pregnant! Instead I have a nearly 5 week old perfect little boy.
There are things I haven't shared, feelings...and I feel that today, on this important date, is as good a time as any. I want to preface this by saying that I do NOT feel like a failure, nor am I truly disappointed in the sense that it will affect me long-term, but it is something I am working through.
This may sound odd, but I really looked forward to labor. There is good pain and bad pain...and I considered labor to be good pain. And truth be told, for the VERY brief time I was having decent contractions, I was quite enjoying the process. Yes, I was in pain, but it had a purpose, and I was INVOLVED. I never got to transition, which I understand is a whole other ball game, but I honestly think I could have handled it had things gone a bit differently.
As you know, that didn't happen...things took a drastically different turn. And that is okay, because it was the best course of action for Peanut. However, I think it really made it difficult for me to adjust to associating the baby I saw with the kicks and squirms inside me...I was removed from the process. And because of my anxiety, needed sedation in order to not completely freak out about the surgery itself. So I then lost some connection to the event. I look at the photos of me seeing him for the first time, and the look on my face bears absolutely no resemblance to the thoughts in my head at the time. It was sooooo difficult to wrap my head around it. And my memory is fuzzy, and I hate that.
I thought I was okay about all of it though. Until I was watching "Knocked Up" the other day. When she was in labor, she was so PRESENT, so part of it. And then the baby is on her chest. That's the part I missed. Feeling as though I was actually a participant in my son's birth, seeing him right away, that immediate physical connection to the process. Quite honestly, I cried watching it. I will go so far as to say I grieved. It's not something that is going to screw me up for a long time, and I don't feel like a failure. I have come to terms with my idiot body. Mostly. But I needed to get it out.
Has anyone else had this experience?
I still call him "her" on occasion. Again, wouldn't change a thing, and I'm absolutely NOT grieving the daughter I thought I would have. But have you ever watched "Charmed' the TV show? The eldest sister is convinced she is having a girl her whole pregnancy because, like my family, girls are the dominant feature. So, it's just odd in my brain still that there was a penis in me all that time, LOL. This part is harder to explain...but it makes me laugh. How utterly wrong my instinct was. But I have the opportunity to raise a good man, and honestly, that is quite an opportunity. I am honored to have it.