Monday, April 25, 2011

MYTH: It Isn't Your Baby

When you are faced with the reality that you or your partner's reproductive bits aren't doing their job properly, it is a shock.  It is devastating.  When you further find out that those bits are not worth their weight in gold to the point of not producing what they are supposed to produce, the devastation becomes even deeper. 

Being faced with no longer being able to be genetically involved in your child leads to doubts about the next course of action.  No one handles this news well.  And no one can tell you what to do.  The decision about the next steps, and the long-term effects of said decision, are huge. 

Questions abound, from friends, family, even strangers.  "How does your husband feel about the baby not being his?"  And so on.  I cannot speak for anyone else's reactions or feelings.  I can empathize with them, but I can only share our story.

Don't ever let someone try to tell me this child is not my husband's.  Genetics are only part of the picture.  Would you tell adoptive parents they aren't really the parents?  No.  At least, I hope not.  Parenting is not just about genetics.  There is so much more to it.

My husband was involved from day one.  We picked out the donor together.  He gave me injections.  He was there with me the day our embryos were transferred into my womb.  He rubbed my belly, he talked to the baby.  Every day.  For 8 months.  He rubbed my back when I threw up, rubbed my swollen feet, and catered to my every need when I wasn't allowed off the couch. 

And the moment our son was born, he became a man in ways I couldn't imagine.  The look on his face, his proud introduction: "This is my son."  The gentle way in which he holds him.  The silly talk to distract Peanut when I have to step away or when he changes a diaper.  His absolute ease and comfort with Peanut.  And more than that, the look on his face of pure love for this baby WE created TOGETHER. 

He is the man who will wipe Peanut's tears when he falls, teach him to ride a bike, take him fishing, read him bedtime stories, hold his hand to cross the street.  That is why this child is my husband's.  He will be there, every step of the way, with a love only a dad can feel for a son.  With strength when it's needed, hugs when they are called for, but always, the love. 

Are there challenges?  Absolutely.  No one can deny that.  Every time someone says he looks like me, it is a reminder to my husband.  He doesn't get to see himself in our child.  There will always be reminders.

But regardless, Peanut is his child, no doubt about it.  And don't ever think otherwise.

What Infertility Is:
National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW):


  1. big hugs to you genevieve.

    sometimes your posts just leave me sitting here with chills.

  2. this is a fantastic post. I think I will show it to the hubs!! :)

  3. Seriously, I would consider it completely justifiable if you chose to smack anyone who said "it's not his child" with a large stick. I don't even know you, but I'd be your alibi. We were eating lunch together the whole time, I swear.

    Unfortunately, the people who say that *do* say it to people who've adopted because apparently they are missing a large portion of their brain.

  4. Fantastic post sweetie. you know I don't see myself at all in Oliver. Yet he's mine. Well, I think he know sometimes I think what if the clinic screwed up and switched dishes?? This child had blue eyes for God's sake(both Mike and I have hazel eyes)! So the joke was, we'll sue the clinic for millions...and then what if they'll take Oliver away and give to the bio parents who are maybe still childless? Now, bear with me, this is a total trip in my head I know, but still. The point is that this is practically impossible and even if it was real I couldn't care less as he is mine, he's ours. Even if he wasn't. Love, Fran

  5. dna doesn't make a does.


  6. I actually have a blogger friend who adopted a child from overseas, and the girl's teacher wouldn't let her make a Mother's Day craft for her Mom, because "She's not your real mom."

    But if a child can "belong" to neglectful, abusive parents just because they happen to share DNA, I sure don't see why you can't be a "real" parent to a child who has no DNA link.

  7. Beautiful, fantastic post and one I agree with 100%! Since we are pregnant as a result of donor embryos I often feel the same way, completely thankful for this precious baby, but a little sad when someone mentions how much a child resembles their parents knowing that this won't be the case for us.
    Also got my package in the mail today...thank you SO much! I LOVED the announcement, beautiful!

  8. Beautifully said. You guys are wonderful parents to this precious, beautiful little boy.

  9. This post is so beautiful and so true. I gave this quote in a card to my husband on Father's day one year.

    "It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons."
    ~ Johann Schiller

  10. Thank you, bloggie friend. I hope someday, however (s)he finds her way into our life, we'll have ourselves OUR baby. I have hope. Thinking of you this NIAW.

  11. Beautifully written Genevieve. I have never seen a post about this, and it definitely needed to be written, and should continue being shared with as many people as possible. Sounds like daddy is a MAGNIFICENT daddy. :)

  12. Right on! Not an easy topic on any level, but genetics or not, there's no question about who the "baby daddy" really is.

  13. Amen! Although people do say adoption parents are the real parents all the time. Sad.

    I'm so happy for y'all! Peanut is a lucky little boy. :-)

    PS L&O:CI is coming to back on USA in May but it will be the final season.

  14. Such a moving post which I can relate to. I haven't come out in so many words and explained our situation, though, I'm sure those who have read some of my earlier posts on our experience will have figured it out. We used DE to conceive Cole and Bella. None of our family members know though we do have some close friends who are aware.

    I often forget that they do not share my DNA but then someone will say something casual like, "Cole and Bella look so much like your husband!" and there's that pang of bitterness. I can't help it. And then I feel super guilty.

    I absolutely love what you wrote at the end. So true and so powerful.

  15. Great post!

    It's kind of like adoption, DNA doesn't matter! It IS your child and you love it the same!!!

  16. This is great. Also, I didn't know your little one had arrived--congrats!


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