Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Too Many Thoughts

Okay, have a computer, can get some of this out.  It's going to be a long post, and I'm sorry.

The OB went well, although my head was spinning.  She went through everything soooo quickly.  It was mainly an informational visit, paperwork we have to fill out (ummm, no, we haven't decided if we will circumcise, and no, we don't have a name to put on the birth certificate since we aren't finding out gender).  Are we doing sequential screening?  NT scan?  AAAAHHHHH!  I'm so overwhelmed.  

We got the bills for the rest of what insurance didn't cover.  We're still looking at over $4k.  I have NO idea how we're paying that.  We've been working on paying down debt, and the medical bills are on the back burner.  I've started thinking about all we need for the baby, and I need to go out to WI next month to clean out my storage unit (the plane ticket will balance out the storage unit cost in about 4-6 months), but lots of eeks.  I think there is a lot of reality sinking in.  And my anxiety is starting to flare up badly.  I wanted to clean today and ended up on the couch doing NOTHING because I'm hitting major overwhelmed.  The nurse said that I could probably go back on the once I see the doc in 2 weeks though, which is something I am REALLY looking forward to.

We have friends who may move in who can actually pay rent, but we have to get out Bro and Dreamer first, but that's a MESS.  Frog is in the hospital.  He went in on Friday with swollen lymph nodes and very high fever, and was admitted.  2 days ago he apparently had surgery after they found something in his lungs, and all we know is that he is still "not good."  And the thing is, I don't know what to do or how to feel.  All of that went to total crap, and we are so completely not on terms, but I cared very deeply for him and Pixie, and his brother lives with us (though has been gone helping with him being in the hospital), and they have a new baby at home.  It's gotta be horrible for them right now.  I can't do anything.  I feel like an ass...I said horrid things.  Some of which was deserved, a lot out of anger.  And now this. I am out in left field feeling like I should be there.  Getting news occasionally from Bro.  So we don't know what their plans are, and certainly don't feel like we can give an ultimatum right now, you know?  Do we send a card?  What???  What happens if he doesn't get better?  I don't know what the hell to do.  It's not reparable.  I know that.  Go me.  Go crazy  me. 

And then there is the family...jeez, really?  Sister is apparently still royally pissed at me, which is fine.  I've accepted that we will never be close at this point.  And I'm not putting my niece through that, even if she did allow me near, which she won't.  She finally let Dad visit at home, but it didn't go well, apparently.  Honestly, my dad is VERY difficult to deal with...he threatened my husband last year, and he gets angry about EVERYTHING.  And Sister is being an over-protective new mom, insisting my dad wore a shirt they bought him that was new, etc.  Which drove him nuts, and they barely let him hold her.  It's just ALL drama ALL the time.  And he calls me to bitch.  Which is almost the only reason he calls me.  And all I could say was that it's her life, her baby, and he needs to respect it and try to talk with her about it calmly.  And that she is who she is, and he is who he is, and that's never going to change, so he can talk it out, learn to deal, or walk away.  Really, that's all there is to do.  So now he's pissed at me.  What can I do?  She and I don't even speak now. 

And you know WHY I lost it with Frog?  Because I was off my meds and severely hormonal from starting treatment.  And why I finally stopped being able to deal with Sister?  Because she complained to me about her pregnancy symptoms after I told her about my diagnosis, and because off of this has made me less able to deal with crap.  So IF rears it's ugly head again.  I should be HAPPY and EXCITED right now.  And it STILL feels like the world is crashing down.  And I feel like I don't get to feel that way with all we have been blessed with.  Like I'm supposed to be all happy and glowy all the time.

But despite being thrilled about our baby coming, it doesn't make all the other stuff go away, and it doesn't change the past, and it doesn't ease some of the burdens.  It feels like we spent 2 years doing nothing but trying to get pregnant, and now it's here I am at a loss as to what is next.  I really didn't think it would happen, and I think I'm having some new mother freak-out. 

I really can't wait to get the go-ahead to start the again.  At least with any luck it will help me cope better.  God, I sound like such a whiny, ungrateful person.  I'm not!  I'm  With the issues I have.  That don't go away, and that sometimes I just don't handle very well.   I'm really not depressed all the time, I promise, but it's hard to overcome it sometimes.  Thank you for listening, really.  I'm sorry.


  1. Here from Mel's lushary to say congratulations on the "graduation"! I think it's totally normal to feel at a loss to know what to expect next. I certainly felt that way - much more than I ever would have dreamed. I'm sorry to hear that things with your family are strained. I don't think you sound depressed or ungrateful; I think you sound like a real person with a real life. Wishing you a bit of a respite though!

  2. I can't imagine how you are dealing with this off your regular meds. My doc left me on them which saved my sanity. Having your hormones off normally plus hormone craziness from cycling is terribly difficult. Just keep doing what you can with your family. Thinking of you.

  3. Wow, so many things going on in your life!!! And, you're right -- it's not like life or stress or anxiety or depression just goes away because one thing turned out "right." Don't worry about seeming ungrateful. I hope that things start looking up. ((hugs))

  4. Just because your IF doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time about being pregnant. And all IF women should understand that!
    In regards to Frog, you said things you regret and Frog said some things. Have you appologized for what you said? Even if they were in the wrong too, did you man up to your side? If you value that friendship you should at least try. Especially now. People get different perspectives when mortality comes to play.
    I'm glad the pregnancy is going well.

  5. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this stress & drama at the same time. I would be going crazy too. I know it sounds cliche but things always work out in the end. Sending lots of hugs & good vibes.

  6. Hang in there lady. I'd love to say the hormonal preggo thing eases up but truth is it kinda gets worse but its cool cause by then you won't even notice the difference, lol. Which is funny down the road when you're not preggo anymore.

  7. I am so sorry that you're going through all of that, especially during your pregnancy. I hope you can find a way to get through until you are able to get back on Zoloft. Keep writing about the issues on your blog, we don't mind, and that always helps me!

  8. Breathe in...breathe out....

    You've got a lot on your plate right now. All the raging hormones, feeling like crap and it 'sinking in' are enough, let alone family stress.

    One step at a time, sweetie. Change what you can (say your peace, etc.), but you can't control how they will react. Do what you think is best. It's all you can do. Keep writing, we're here for you!

  9. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am bipolar, so I definitely can understand your feelings and being overwhelmed. I have been very overwhelmed lately. Here are some verses that help me out so much:
    Psalm 61:2
    Psalm 130
    Praying for you girl!

    And here is the link to the post you won for placing in my perspective photo challenge! I hope you'll come enter my new one! :D

  10. Like I said before, I'm sorry all of this is happening to you.
    Praying for you!

    But a little bit of happy news:
    The judging is finished for my 'All the Small Things' photo challenge! Go here to see how you did!


  11. thinking of you and telling you to STOP beating yourself up for ANY of this. The stuff going on around you, has nothing to do with YOU. People can be who they are and if they want to do it while judging or berating you, well fine, but it doens't mean you have to take it.

    I know that once you're PG after a IVF, you have a very "out of body experience" where you are afraid to feel anything, Gosh I swear I didn't get comfortable with being PG until I wasn't anymore...I'm not kidding, it's just the truth.

    take it easy on yourself and tyr to enjoy some of it, all the other stuff WILL work out, it has to. There is no other option, the baby will come, your life will change and things with Bro, Dad, Frog, Pixie, Sister etc...well they will go the way they should. No matter what you do now to stop or prevent it.

    just hang in, you have people here who love you and are here if you need us.
    Good luck with the Zoloft too...I'll be thinking of you.

  12. Ah, family drama. It's fun, isn't it? I'm new to the whole anxiety thing (I'm on Wellbutrin) but I feel your pain, for me it's been practically 6 months of mother-to-be freak outs. I hope things calm down for you soon!

  13. Hi honey,
    so sorry you have all this going on and are feeling so anxious and overwhlemed. It is totally normal but doesn't make it any easier. Hoping you feel better soon. (((HUGS)))

  14. Yay! For an OB appointment! I can't believe they asked you all these questions so early on! Wowza!

    I am sorry for all you are going through, it surely seems like a lot! And you don't sound like you are complaining or being an sounds like you are going through a lot. I hope the zoloft helps!


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