Too Many Thoughts

Okay, have a computer, can get some of this out.  It's going to be a long post, and I'm sorry.

The OB went well, although my head was spinning.  She went through everything soooo quickly.  It was mainly an informational visit, paperwork we have to fill out (ummm, no, we haven't decided if we will circumcise, and no, we don't have a name to put on the birth certificate since we aren't finding out gender).  Are we doing sequential screening?  NT scan?  AAAAHHHHH!  I'm so overwhelmed.  

We got the bills for the rest of what insurance didn't cover.  We're still looking at over $4k.  I have NO idea how we're paying that.  We've been working on paying down debt, and the medical bills are on the back burner.  I've started thinking about all we need for the baby, and I need to go out to WI next month to clean out my storage unit (the plane ticket will balance out the storage unit cost in about 4-6 months), but lots of eeks.  I think there is a lot of reality sinking in.  And my anxiety is starting to flare up badly.  I wanted to clean today and ended up on the couch doing NOTHING because I'm hitting major overwhelmed.  The nurse said that I could probably go back on the Zo.loft once I see the doc in 2 weeks though, which is something I am REALLY looking forward to.

We have friends who may move in who can actually pay rent, but we have to get out Bro and Dreamer first, but that's a MESS.  Frog is in the hospital.  He went in on Friday with swollen lymph nodes and very high fever, and was admitted.  2 days ago he apparently had surgery after they found something in his lungs, and all we know is that he is still "not good."  And the thing is, I don't know what to do or how to feel.  All of that went to total crap, and we are so completely not on terms, but I cared very deeply for him and Pixie, and his brother lives with us (though has been gone helping with him being in the hospital), and they have a new baby at home.  It's gotta be horrible for them right now.  I can't do anything.  I feel like an ass...I said horrid things.  Some of which was deserved, a lot out of anger.  And now this. I am out in left field feeling like I should be there.  Getting news occasionally from Bro.  So we don't know what their plans are, and certainly don't feel like we can give an ultimatum right now, you know?  Do we send a card?  What???  What happens if he doesn't get better?  I don't know what the hell to do.  It's not reparable.  I know that.  Go me.  Go crazy  me. 

And then there is the family...jeez, really?  Sister is apparently still royally pissed at me, which is fine.  I've accepted that we will never be close at this point.  And I'm not putting my niece through that, even if she did allow me near, which she won't.  She finally let Dad visit at home, but it didn't go well, apparently.  Honestly, my dad is VERY difficult to deal with...he threatened my husband last year, and he gets angry about EVERYTHING.  And Sister is being an over-protective new mom, insisting my dad wore a shirt they bought him that was new, etc.  Which drove him nuts, and they barely let him hold her.  It's just ALL drama ALL the time.  And he calls me to bitch.  Which is almost the only reason he calls me.  And all I could say was that it's her life, her baby, and he needs to respect it and try to talk with her about it calmly.  And that she is who she is, and he is who he is, and that's never going to change, so he can talk it out, learn to deal, or walk away.  Really, that's all there is to do.  So now he's pissed at me.  What can I do?  She and I don't even speak now. 

And you know WHY I lost it with Frog?  Because I was off my meds and severely hormonal from starting treatment.  And why I finally stopped being able to deal with Sister?  Because she complained to me about her pregnancy symptoms after I told her about my diagnosis, and because off of this has made me less able to deal with crap.  So IF rears it's ugly head again.  I should be HAPPY and EXCITED right now.  And it STILL feels like the world is crashing down.  And I feel like I don't get to feel that way with all we have been blessed with.  Like I'm supposed to be all happy and glowy all the time.

But despite being thrilled about our baby coming, it doesn't make all the other stuff go away, and it doesn't change the past, and it doesn't ease some of the burdens.  It feels like we spent 2 years doing nothing but trying to get pregnant, and now it's here I am at a loss as to what is next.  I really didn't think it would happen, and I think I'm having some new mother freak-out. 

I really can't wait to get the go-ahead to start the Zo.loft again.  At least with any luck it will help me cope better.  God, I sound like such a whiny, ungrateful person.  I'm not!  I'm just...me.  With the issues I have.  That don't go away, and that sometimes I just don't handle very well.   I'm really not depressed all the time, I promise, but it's hard to overcome it sometimes.  Thank you for listening, really.  I'm sorry.