Calling Technical Care: Etiquette

Okay, I need to get some things out of my system.  Maybe someone will hear and my life will get easier.  Probably not, but oh, well.  Here goes.

I work in Technical Support.  For cell phones.  Here are some tips for calling if you actually want your issue resolved:

1. If your phone is not working properly, don't call from it.  We can't fix it.  Please consider getting a cheap home phone, because cell service cannot be 100% guaranteed.  And if you are on the phone, WE CAN'T FIX IT.  There is no magic button. 
2. If you say your phone number so quickly that you wouldn't be able to write it down, neither can we.  So speak clearly.  If we ask you to slow down, do not treat us like we are stupid...I promise you, that will only lead to us being snarky with you in our own way.
3. THERE IS NO MAGIC BUTTON!
4. We cannot actually SEE what you are doing on the phone.  So if you can't follow instructions, we can't help you.  I'm sorry.
5. Please don't talk to everyone in the background instead of us.  You called us to help.  If you ignore us, we can't help, nor can we tell when you are actually speaking to us. 
6. THERE IS NO MAGIC BUTTON!
7. We don't know your passwords.  Because they are passwords YOU set up for YOUR security.  Anyone else knowing the password defeats the purpose.  Write them down.  Don't be mad at us because you lost/forgot it.
8. If your service was out for 3 hours, you are NOT getting a free month of service.  Keep dreaming.  We will prorate that...and you won't like the number.  Oh, and if you waited 2 weeks to call us and we didn't know there was an issue, we most likely won't credit you for the past unknown issues either.  Call when it starts.
9. THERE IS NO MAGIC BUTTON!
10. When we ask a yes or no question, we really are just looking for a yes or no.  There was a reason for the closed-ended question.
11. We are trained to do this job.  If you do not wish for us to help you, please don't call. Otherwise, let us do our job and walk you through the steps that need to be taken.
12. Last, but certainly not least, don't be rude.  It makes us less inclined to help.  We will, but we won't make it easy.  Just because we are in the Service Industry does not make us less intelligent or deserving of being bashed.  Golden Rule, people.  I'm just sayin'. 

I could write more, but then it starts getting a bit case-specific. You get the idea. I need a new job. Sigh.