There Is Something Wrong With Me

Why do I always go to my mom's to see the sisters thinking it will be fun?  Because it almost never is. 

I have felt like an outcast in my family for a VERY long time, a very long time.  I have always had social interaction issues.  I either hide and say nothing and stick my nose in a book, or I say the wrong things...always the wrong things.  And it seems to be worse with my family, and I know EXACTLY when it got really bad. 

When I left the Peace Corps 9 years ago, my family not only didn't support me, they told me they were EMBARASSED by my "giving up."  Anyway, that's when it got bad. We've had up and down times since them.  Sister and I have never been terribly close, which is, I suppose, what I get for moving out of state the first opportunity I got.  I just had to get away from them all.  From the dysfunction and the drama.  LilSis always resented me for it as she was left there when it got really bad.  Sister, well, she and I are just polar opposites. 

Anyway, when the 3 of us try to hang out it's always me and them.  I don't belong in their little club.  And I don't know how to start.  Add hormones (2 pregnant women), and extreme heat, and bad things happen.  All we do is snip at each other.  And I couldn't take the heat, and the shock of the cold water was too much for me.  So I ended up inside...which just pissed them off as we were supposed to be hanging out.  Ugh. 

I think we do best as "holiday sisters".  You know, where we see each other only on the holidays.  There is a reason I lived a long way away for years.  It just wasn't pretty, and it certainly wasn't relaxing.  And I tried to talk to Sister about the impending baby (born yesterday, btw), and I said I thought baby was ready to come out and she said nope as though I know nothing.  Like I haven't seen others go through it and spent years reading about it.  So I was wrong...ummm, but I wasn't, as she came THE NEXT DAY.  Just annoying.  And frustrating.  And I am so over it.  Just snip snip snip...what's the point if we don't actually get along?

But why am I so detached?  I've realized that while I do have a number of very good friends, none of them are really that close to my physically.  I have attachment issues.  I'm realizing this.  Because I just can't handle it.  I'm built wrong, somehow.  Niece is here, and I probably won't see her until the holidays because quite honestly, I can't take the interactions. So I'm not as excited as I should be.  Just glad to be back in my own bubble. 

Why do I shut down?  What makes me so awkward?  And WHY cannot I not just deal with my family.  LisSis told me a long time ago that I do it to myself, set myself apart.  But it's because I feel like I just don't fit.  And then I make it worse.  I don't know what to do.  I know that I've been REALLY down, which I imagine is partly hormones, and partly due to my normal depressive tendencies and being unmedicated right now.  Perhaps I need to consider therapy...again.  Because it really isn't normal that I'd rather be elsewhere and not really have my family that big a part of my life. 

Hubby is the outcast of his family as well, and has incredibly difficult times fitting in with his brothers. We are fine with the parents most of the time, both side, just not siblings.  Sigh.  What is wrong with me?  Why am I so detached?  WHAT IS MY PROBLEM???  Why can I put EVERYTHING out there for you guys to read?  And follow YOUR stories.  What is wrong with me?

UPDATE: She has banned half the family from visiting her in the hospital.  I get wanting bonding time, but ummm, then wouldn't we all be not welcome?  Not so much.  Just the half she doesn't get along with.  So, yeah, I'm done.