Another Year Gone...

I wanted a post with pictures for our year in review, but my laptop charger died, so I don't have access to them.  Also wanted to post Christmas pics...same issue.  They will be posted at some point.  Having said that, however...on to the post.

2011 has been both the best and worst year of my life.  Well, best, and close to worst.

We started out with hope, and joy, and anticipation.  We also got out of debt.  A babe was growing inside me, we couldn't believe our luck, and a settlement came through that allowed us to pay off a ton of things and we hoped, have enough for Cricket 2.0.  Things had never been so great.

The end of January saw me in the hospital, and my body trying to rid itself of baby way too early.  2 months of bed rest ate up the savings.  But, without that money, we would have been in bigger trouble so we were still happy peeps.  I prayed I would make it to my baby shower pregnant, and my wish was granted.  We even successfully made it to 35 weeks, our goal.  Plus a day.

The last 9 months have been filled with so much joy.  We are so incredibly blessed to have this jolly child in our lives.  He fills our days with light.  And often, our nights, LOL.  Even if we never get another go...we count our blessings every day. 

But it has also been a rough end of the year.  Hubby has essentially been unemployed half the year.  Not only are the savings gone as quickly as they came, we are struggling.  We can barely pay bills, and cannot pay rent at all.  It is a terrifying place to be in.  Without P, we wouldn't care as much.  Eviction, living in a shit-hole, these things would be manageable.  Having P means that we really have to make our choices wisely. 

We have gotten public assistance, and are trying to figure out what else we may qualify for.  We face some seriously hard choices in the coming months.  I've never been in such a bad situation before, and there have been some incredibly hard times.  It's terrifying.  And all I can hope is that 2012 brings some changes on that front.  Hubby and I will never be well-off.  But a house of our own some day, and enough to not be scared every month would be nice. 

We seem to be avoiding the tough talks.  In hope of "something will come up".  But soon, the talks will have to happen, the choices made.  And through it all we will have this amazing light in our life who makes all the struggle worth it. 

It still seems so surreal.  Waking up to him, hearing him, watching as he grows, changes, does silly things.  His laugh can brighten the darkest day.  It's like yin and yang around here.  And it's all for him. 

I wish so much for him.  And I pray we can give him the best of us, and not have to struggle.  So my wish for the upcoming year is that we figure a way to do that.  If we also find a way to give him a sibling, awesome, but right now, survival is the key.  I pray that 2012 brings not just us, but all of you, the things you need.  And perhaps some nice surprises along the way. 

Jan 1, 2011 brought us 24 weeks of pregnancy, viability.  January 1, 2012 brings us...well, a big financial hole.  But it also brings a 9 month old wonder of modern medical technology.  And a lot of love. 

Happy New Year to you all.  Joy, peace, and happiness are my prayers for you.

Holiday Hangover

Holidays, especially Christmas, remind me of weddings.


*insert Tim Allen sound here*

Okay, okay, it sounds weird. But hear me out.

We spend MONTHS preparing for Christmas/Hannukah/what-have-you. There is the hype, the preparation, the shopping, the secrets, the anticipation, the last minute mad dash to get everything finished and not totally melt down.

And then the day arrives. Relief. Excitement. Joy times infinity. Chaos, drunk relatives, cranky overstimulated children, and more food than you can shake a stick at.

There is this absolute weariness as the day comes to a close. A thought that OMG we survived, now can I just crawl into bed? The next day holiday "hangover". Whether you drank or not, a bus still ran you over. And then you look around at all the clean up to be done...and think..."Where the fuck is Mary Poppins when you need her?"

How the hell can I fit all this stuff into my house? The honeymoon, it is OVER folks. I need to put away things that are no longer used and set up P's room to be more play friendly, and wash all of the used toys we have so they are nice and sanitary for oh, 30 seconds.

But seriously, I am experiencing some serious "back to life, back to reality" letdown over the fact that this holiday is all of a sudden behind us. All that build up, and all of a sudden, in the blink of an eye, it is gone.

Time flies, right? And right now, it is galloping toward another year, more growth and change, and with any luck, good things for all of us.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

20-ish Questions, Christmas Style

I stole this from Kristin who stole it from a bunch of other people.  I think it originated with Danifred but I could be wrong.


1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I love doing fancy wrapping, but it NEVER happens.  In my family we try to reuse – I keep boxes and gift bags.  This year I am using leftover newspaper from the neighbor’s route. 

2. Real tree or Artificial? REAL!!!  The smell, the feel…mmmm.  Now, in the past couple of years with just Hubby and me, we bought a Charlie Brown tree.  No, really, plastic – looks just like the one from the flick.  Ridiculously cute.  LOL.  But this year, we are back to a real tree J

3. When do you put up the tree? We only managed 10 days before this year.  And really, I don’t want any earlier than the 10^th.  Needles everywhere, no thank you!

4. When do you take the tree down? Good question.  I imagine just after New Year’s Day it will come down.

5. Do you like eggnog? I spent a lot of time on a farm growing up – we made it from scratch with fresh eggs and milk anytime we wanted.  I cannot stand the store-bought variety.  I’m spoiled.  But I know enough now to buy pasteurized eggs.  Oh, my, do I love eggnog.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? I loved something every year.  I remember the Lite Brite year being pretty awesome.  And the year my mom and stepdad got us a trip to Disney World.  We went a couple months later, but that was our big gift.  All our small gifts had clues on them – Mickey and Minnie were everywhere.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Ummm, no.  Pagan-ish over here.

8. Hardest person to buy for? My grandmother.  Hands down.  Impossible.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Hubby, kind of.  If I have money.  My dad.  My mom is ridiculously easy.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Snail mail if we manage….which we did this year.  It was important to me.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I wouldn’t say even if I could think of one!  They are all heartfelt.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? It’s a Wonderful Life.  Hands down. But also a huge fan of Love Actually and The Family Stone. (I might be stretching, as they are not traditional, but they are totally Christmas movies!)  

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Depends on my financial situation.  Sometimes I find stuff throughout the year and stash it.  This yaer I started in October.  And because I’m hand-making some stuff, it’s coming down to the wire.

14. Ever recycled a Christmas present? No!

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? COOOOOOOKIES (said like Cookie Monster)

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear lights.  I’m old school. I allowed Hubby to put up colored lights outside as I have deemed that his domain.  But stay away from my tree with those colored lights, yo!

17. Favorite Christmas song? I can’t pick a favorite.  I really can’t.  Let me see if I can categorize…Traditional: O Holy Night.  Classic: The Christmas Song (Nat King Cole)  Pop: Christmas Wrapping (The Waitresses) and Santa Claus is Coming To Town by Bruce Springsteen (although I couldn't listen to it for a couple of years, but that's another story)  Silly: Anything by Bob Rivers, I Want A Hippopotamus, Dominik The Donkey, and….Porky Pig doing Blue Christmas.  Also, top of the list = Elvis Elvis Elvis – all his Christmas stuff.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel.  Always have with 2+ Christmases to have each year.  This morning we are driving back home from Sister’s Christmas Eve (Dad’s side celebration) and then heading to my Mom’s for Christmas Day after the morning at home. 

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? No, I always miss at least 2.  I could have cheated and left what Kristin wrote, but I’m honest.  

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither.  Right now we have a sprig of fake mistletoe that we received last year I assume.  It has little frogs glued on it.  Why?  No idea.  I can’t  remember .  I feel like maybe my dad did it….Anywho, that’s what is on the top of our tree, LOL.  

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Both, and have for years.  Both of us, actually.  With divorced parents, one gets Christmas Eve and one gets Christmas Day, so 2 separate celebrations.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Consumerism.

23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? I like collecting them over the years.  My ex lost everything I had collected, so we are pretty bare bones right now, but the beauty is that we will collect them over the years and the tree becomes this beautiful collage of old, new, fancy, homemade….I wouldn’t have it any other way.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? I want Hubby to have a job and us to get to try for #2.  Other than that, just love and food and a roof over our heads.  Okay, so it would be nice to be able to see Hubby’s family.  It’s been too long.  I want them to meet their grandson.


We are headed to Sister's for the 1st of our 2 celebrations this evening.  Merry Christmas y'all.

Say What???

Some conversations had 'round these parts in the last month or so.  The ones I can remember anyway.

Me: Can you take P out of the high chair?  He needs to be wiped down.
Hubby: That's what the dog is for.

Hubby: (to P) No laptop for you!  You're too young for porn.
Me: Babe!
H: What?  You said he could play with it. (referring to his penis)
M: Well, yeah, but not in the "grab your dick and double click" kind of way!
*bonus points if you know what this is from!*
*Note: I am not anti-masturbation or anything, just not ready to think of my baby being old enough to do that.
*Note: Which made me realize that one day I will have a wet-dream-having, masturbating-into-socks teenager.  Oh, dear god, help me please.

Hubby: (as we drive past the house where a pot-bellied pig lives) Do you think they had ham for Thanksgiving?
Me: Oh, that's just wrong!
H: What?  They're different from regular pigs! 
M: I'm going to tell Aunt Lin you said that! (they just adopted a pig)
H: I bet they're having ham for Christmas...
M:  Not. Right.

Dad: Phelan, I think you will be sucking on Dad's boob tonight because Mom will be face down on the floor.
Me: Nice, Dad.

Text Message I Received: Hahahaha!! I just googled nipple pain from pumping and I saw your boobies!!!!
*Yup, set myself up for that one

Hubby hands me the sausage to put on for dinner - I make a face while touching the raw meat...
H: What you don't like touching sausage?
M: ........

Me: Be right back, P, I have to to potty.
Stepdad: (upon return) You have a son now, you have to say something like 'I'm going to take a leak.'  None of this potty shit.
M: Okay, umm, I'll try to keep that in mind.

Hubby: I was going to do laundry tomorrow, but I have to watch P.
Me: I take him to the laundromat all the time.
H: Yeah, but that's because you...
M: ...have mad mommy skills?
H: Basically!
M: Damn right I do!

Me: Okay, make sure you put that memory card somewhere safe.  They are small and easy to lose.
Customer:  Hmm, where can I...?  Oh, I know, I'll just stick it under my boob.
M: *snort*  Well, I suppose that would work...but what about if you have to shower?
C: Damn, I do need to bathe.  I guess I will put it in my wallet.

Our site director dressed up as Santa and handed out candy canes.
Supervisor to another Supervisor: Hey, can I sit on his lap and talk about whatever comes up?
*Really, do you need more than that?

PYHO: Coming Through The Fog

When the fog of depression descends, very little can bring me out of it.  It's like viewing the world through clouded eyes.  You know the Claritin commercials?  Like that.  Sounds are muted, like cotton is in my ears.  Smiles don't quite reach my brain for an appropriate response.  I want to hide in my bed, under the covers, not necessarily sleeping, but simply...not doing, being, living. On those mornings I trudge, I shuffle, I auto-pilot. 
Thank goodness for P.  Because even if he can't cut all the way through the fog, my need to care for him manages to override my need to hide from the world.  Thank goodness.

It's in these times that I resent him, resent my husband, resent anyone who, in my mind, forces me to be a part of things, be social, do anything but sit in a corner and cry.   Yes, I said I resent my son.  The beautiful, amazing, happy, outgoing miracle child I sweat, cried, bled, and prayed for.  When that fog descends, I resent even him. 

And then I think, "Oh, my god, how can I feel that way?  How can I feel anything other than joy and thankfulness at his existence?" Even writing about this, admitting this, I am crying.  Remember a couple of weeks ago I said sometimes I think the depression is worse than the anxiety?  When I am in the throes of a serious blue period I swear that this is worse. With anxiety, there are medicines available for acute attacks.  For depression, not so much.

And lately, this has been a major problem.  Some days I can snap out of it a little.  Sometimes it lasts for weeks.  And when I come out of it, I remember how thankful I am for everything.  And then feel so guilty for the resentment that I feel.

I have just emerged from a bad couple of weeks.  I am tenuously holding onto that.  Because I need to see the good, remember that, and hope my brain can hang onto it.  And it's not just feeling down...it's fatigue, and body pain, and all sorts of other things.  It affects EVERYTHING.  I am happy to be out of it for now.  And trying not to think about it coming again anytime soon

The Sleep Plan

My new bloggy friend Mina thoughtfully sent me "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" (and Nap solution) a couple of weeks ago.  (side note: I recognized the handwriting as German before realizing who it was from and that was a stark reality check of how my Oma has influenced me...).
Being in the midst of holiday prep (please be over soon!) it has been difficult to really get it started.  We (I) have tried so many things.  One thing we (I) realized is that crying it out is NOT an option for us. 

We also have one fairly difficult obstacle: I am up at 4 am, and have to get P out of bed by 4:45 am to take him to the sitter many days.  He is used to that.  And while he tends to fall back to sleep in the car, and then sometimes at the sitter, on days off, he is awake BRIGHT AND EARLY.  A regular schedule is difficult to maintain with that early morning start. 

In the beginning, he spent much of the night in his cradle, and I could successfully get him to sleep many nights without boob or bottle in his mouth because I could rock it, rub his back, etc, right next to me.  He ended up in bed many nights if he woke frequently, but it wasn't too bad. 
When he outgrew that cradle a few months ago, nights took a turn for the worse.  He will ONLY fall asleep if cuddled next to me, with a bottle to doze off.  This goes for many naps as well.  With that close proximity he wakes up A LOT.  Sometimes upwards of 4 times a night.  It is EXHAUSTING.

But I am not going to lie...I love having him next to me.  The apron strings are short and tight...

One of the things in this book says that you have to actually be READY to make a change toward longer sleep patterns.  That opened my eyes.  I realized that part of the cosleeping arrangement was due to convenience and that I slept more doing it that way than up and down to the crib all night.  And sleep won out.  (And cuddles.)

Another thing I learned is that babies wake up.  A lot.  As part of a normal sleep cycle.  So the trick is to teach them to fall back to sleep on their own.  But while I hear all the time from friends about their children sleeping through the night very early on for long periods of time, this is the exception rather than the norm.  That helped me to feel a lot better about our situation.  That and a post by Mama Daisey and her insane cosleeping issues (which seriously could have been written by me it was so similar to our situation).

So, taking these 2 things into account, and reading the various sections, I have started a basic plan.  I kinda skipped some steps as I just want to try out some things to start out, and after the insanity of the holidays, really dig in.  Also, if (WHEN) Hubby starts working, we may need to tweak things, and I don't want to go through it twice so early on. Especially when the process itself means LESS sleep in the beginning.  Trying to fix that, not make it worse.  Zombie mama wants sleep.

Okay, so (also mentioned in another post), we have (ahem, I have) moved the crib into the bedroom.  Due to our old house with tiny doorways and horrid angles, this meant actually nearly a full dismantle and hauling up steep stairs.  Good times.  Then, because the highest setting on the crib is well below our mattress, I (making sure it's stable) rotated the support bars to make it the same level.  Now, this means I have to be uber careful as the mattress is now only a few inches from the top of the crib.  Once he is a bit more adjusted I will lower it again.  It is set up sidecar style, one side off and pushed right up against the bed. (Yes, this makes my ability to get in and out of bed really fun).

Last night was NIGHT ONE of Operation Crib Transitioning.  This idea, the sidecar style, was recommended for the cosleeping parents and what not.  There is also a whole thing about babies who are dependent on boob/bottle to fall asleep.  What I did last night was do the bottle before heading up to bed, or most of it anyway.  Then, got in bed, put him in his crib, gave the last of the bottle, and tried to get him settled. 

FAIL!  LOL.  The thing on the side of the crib meant to soothe him got him all excited and he got soooo mad that he couldn't detach it and play with it.  So, turned that off.  By now he's in full meltdown mode.  Told Hubby to get another bottle, but began trying to soothe.  So I did cuddle him at this point, rocked, put on chest, etc etc etc.  (Ears are bleeding ears are bleeding!).  I started singing one of the songs I use to settle him and bam, the mute button went on! I was letting him lie next to me, and he was getting drowsy and looking at me all lovey...this went on for a number of minutes until he seemed to be just about out.  The move over to the crib was not so smooth, and he woke up.  Hubs had brought a bottle, but he didn't really seem to want it, and after a lot of kicking, mumbling, wiggling...he fell asleep.  ON HIS OWN. 

It took an hour.  Start to finish.  And he only stayed asleep for 2.5 hours, by which time he had rotated 180* and moved himself over to where my mattress and his meet.  Cuckoo boy. 

We played the get back to sleep game twice last night before the 4 am wakeup.  Not bad.  I had to schooch over and snuggle a bit or pat him, and there was still some bottle dependency, but we will try this new technique for a bit and then move forward.

Note: When P is not right next to me, he is MUCH more active in his sleep.  Moving, kicking, fussing, TALKING.  I slept LESS.  Mom radar was on high alert. 

Thank you for making it to the end of this post, if you did.  Seriously.  Since I am not truly logging, this offers me a way to document.  And since I know some of you are in a similar predicament, I thought I would share.

Who Am I, Why Am I Here

This mama needs to make some changes.  My former libido, well, let's just say that a three-toed sloth only needs 1 foot to count how many times I've knocked boots this year. 
A plan is required. 

Step one began yesterday.  30 min cardio every day after work.  I have to start slowly as I am so out of shape, but it's a start.  I will work up to heavier cardio.  With any luck this will jump-start my metabolism.  Until I can feel good about my body again, I will have some serious issues letting someone else have access to it.  I'm not confident in being sexy right now.  More like frumpy and fat.

Step two:  I HAVE to find the time to shave.  I am Chewbaca.  I hate doing it, I hate the time involved, I hate that it takes something that is totally sexist to make me feel sexy, but maybe it will help.  For now anyway.  You know, pretend I am a girl as well as a sleep-deprived Mama with no free time.

Step three: Began this last night as well.  Crib transitioning.  So that there is not a baby between us at night.  The crib is now riding sidecar toddler bed style, mattresses at the same level.  Now I just have to get Hubby to come to bed before, oh, 1:30 am when there is no way in hell he is getting laid as I only have 2 more hours to sleep.  Hopefully this will change some WHEN he is working.  (Positive thinking).

Step four: This will be difficult.  The zoloft has killed my sex drive, BUT I had a seriously racy dream last night, so maybe things are getting moving in the right direction.  I need to make time to actually interact like a married person with Hubby.  I mean, kisses, PHYSICAL CONTACT.  The way I feel these days, I kinda just want to be left alone, but everything takes work, so I have to overcome the numb. 

Step five: Date nights?  I would love to implement these.  First we need money for a sitter...and the insanity of the holidays needs to pass.  Then maybe?  I hope?  Not that we had these before, but when it was just the 2 of us, it wasn't really necessary.  We don't even really cuddle any more.  So sad.  Time to fix this.  But after the holidays and WHEN Hubs has a job. (see the positivity?)

So that is my 5-step plan.

 Thoughts?  Ideas?  Help me have a marriage again, please.  I have attached so much of my identity to that little butterball that I seem to have forgotten what got me here. 

A Trip To The Tree Farm

I didn't do a FNL because, well, my week sucked, culminating with Friday.  I didn't want to unload again.  So, we got through the day...including our first family Christmas tree.

Before I share, a cool thing this week: P finally figured out how to roll back to front.  Which causes hilarity as he now travels by rolling.  Not very far, but if I put him down on his belly, within 10 minutes he is in another location entirely, usually facing the complete opposite direction.  He is so stinking cute sometimes I can't stand it.

Anywho, to redeem our shitty day, we got the first tree.  And we went to a local tree farm and had to cut it ourselves (read: I took pics while Hubby cut down the tree).  The man running the place was awesome, and he let us see the chickens and rabbits for P, and we had a lovely chat - much in common, and I'm glad the one closer was closed, as I feel it was kismet that led us to this one instead.  Enjoy the pics!

Hubby hard at work.

P watching Daddy and trying to figure out what the hell he is doing.

Tree: Acquired

P observing the readying of the tree.

My artsy-fartsy photographer side came out while we were in their barn
and I couldn't resist a few photos.  I'm sparing you some, but this struck
me when I saw it and I HAD to shoot it.  

I took 4 of these, one each with a different color highlighted....considering
a framed version with all 4.  You know, when we have money.  And I get
all the other stuff I want done first, LOL.

P thought the rabbit was uber soft.  The rooster
that was there kept crowing, and P would answer
back.  It was awesome!

Again, couldn't resist.  I could have spent hours
photographing inside this barn.  I may go back and
do just that.  I am sending them some of the photos
I shot :-)

Crazy Lady Rant

There is so much on my mind, so much I want to write about. But I'm tired of being a Debbie Downer. I don't want to always be "woe is me."

But I'm tired of making decisions that rob Peter to pay Paul. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like we get something good to happen and then just as quickly a series of shit-on-us days. We had our dream come true in P earlier this year, and I feel like I almost can't enjoy that fact as much as I want to.

YES. I want my goddamn cake and a fork with which to eat it. I want to just grow my family like a freaking normal person. Wah. Pity Party. I know, I know. But could I get just a little bit of time to truly enjoy things before fretting about something else? Fuck.

I need to figure out a way to bring back me and Hubby time. To overcome the lack of sex drive. (Side note: someone played with my hair today because it hasn't been this long in a while and it ellicited a response I didn't expect...I need to make that happen at home.) I think the money frustrations and me going to bed so early and feeling like a flabby tub of lard are all contributing to not wanting to be...naked. Really, with anyone.

You know what I want most? I want a chance to cry. To let out all this fear and anger and frustration. I want a night to cuddle. Just cuddle. With no pressure or, ummm, pokes. I feel like I need to start over. I need to be wooed. And I need some bloody foreplay. I don't want a quickie. My body needs some encouragement these days. And even though P barely nurses these days, I still feel like my BBs are off-limits...which is NOT helping.

I feel the need for some major changes. MAJOR. Like, an overhaul of my life and person and ...whatever all goes with that.

And since I'm being a whiny brat, let me put it all out there. That overhaul needs to include some decisions about Christmas. Because right now I am hating it. I used to LOVE Christmas. Love it. I love the SPIRIT of it. I won't get into the things that have slowly encroached into my Christmas joy, but suffice it to say that currently, it deals with money. I am tired of being the family members who can't give back. I'm tired of seeing dear friends struggling to buy gifts for their children. It shouldn't be a choice between food and gifts. I hate that we are doing food and clothing drives at work and I'm thinking...I want to give, but I actually NEED these things.

I over-empathize. I know this. But I think a discussion with Hubby is going to happen wherein we start a tradition, now, before P knows any different, that Christmas in our family involves stockings maybe, but that we give our TIME for the season. We go volunteer. Something.

How we will reconcile this with the rest of the family. To be fair, it has become very low key in terms of gifts. "Need, Read, Eat, Play" Unfortunately this year I pretty much only managed need and read for mostly everyone. So maybe it won't be that hard. I don't want P to ever feel sleighted though. So we need to start teaching him the true spirit early.

See, this is why I haven't been blogging lately. I am so overwhelmed...I don't even know where to start. And I can't even consolidate my thoughts into concise, well-written information. So, today, you get verbal diarrhea. I'm sorry. But thank you thank you thank you for listening. Seriously. Without you all this would all be oh, so much harder.

Complete?

With my fluctuating mental state, my feelings about Cricket 2.0 change sometimes from hour to hour. Some days I think, "No way can I go through the 8 months of puking, possible bedrest, lack of sleep for god knows how long...no way can I fret wondering if embryos take, or that if it doesn't work we really have no more options." It's too much.


And then I have times like over this past weekend. Friday evening P got a chance to hang out with Niece. And he's now old enough to interact. They were kissing on each other, trading toys back and forth. Interacting. Like siblings (really close in age) might.

And then I see 2 children in my head, playing on the floor...not the 2 in front of me, but P and another could-be sibling. I see him kissing a baby brother or sister on the forehead. I SEE it. Like ghosts of children future.

I get baby fever around newborns, feel my ovaries and uterus literally ache, but it's seeing P with other children that totally sets off my IF meltdown mode. It's when I know that I should NOT make the decision to give up when I am down. It's when I know that my family doesn't feel complete. It's when I know that even though I'm exhausted, scared of failure, scared of handling 2 children, that I want a sibling for our sweet boy.

Here's the thing...I think if we need to make the decision that he is to be our only child that I will somehow learn to cope. He is an active kiddo, and giving him all of our attention won't be such a bad thing. I'm not there yet, but some days I am close.

If you decided to forgo further treatment and enjoy your one miracle, how did you decide that? Was it difficult? How did you let go?

FNL: The One Where I Seek Public Assistance

• We had our WIC appointment Wednesday.  And I did my first WIC purchase today.  I thought I would feel some issue regarding my pride doing this, but it turns out I really don't.  Having jarred food is weird, but it comes in handy for packing for overnight trips.  Hope he likes it!  The formula alone is worth it!
• There were itty bitty newborns at the office...OMG can you say baby fever?  Here I am sitting in a public assistance office, needing money, and all I can think is, "I want Cricket 2.0".  Hmmmm, anyone see the conflict there?
• I also started canning this week!  Have been meaning to for ages, and Christmas' "eat" item pushed me into it.  Have made Ginger Pearsauce and Spiced applesauce.  Up soon are chutney and marinara.  I can only do fruits as I do not have a pressure canner.  It's kinda cool to see jars I processed in my pantry :-)
• P's hair appears to have started growing at long last.  Not much, but definitely a start.  I can't wait to see how it grows as it is apparent that he has a few wicked cowlicks.  And I want to see if sperm daddy's waves win out over my uber straightness.
• He also will FINALLY hold a bottle, though we have to trick him into it, and it's not every time.  However, sippy cups/straws are still an epic failure.
• Speaking of sperm daddy...I put a post on a DSR a number of months ago, but can't afford to register to get email addys of those on there.  The other day I got an email from one of  the donor siblings' mothers!  Mom of T, aged 7.  I even have photos!  Hard to tell with all of P's chub, but he seems to have the same cheeks and ears.  Her son is also uber chipper and active and sleepless.  Can you say "modern families?"  All together now...
• Hubby's license showed up!  3 days after he mailed the request in.  The school had never sent it, the bastards.  But the good news is that he will be starting a temp job this upcoming week whilst he looks for something both more permanent and with better pay.  Thank goodness!
• I survived the week that never ended!  I took unpaid time off a couple of days for a break.  Nope, can't afford it.  Don't care.
• My back is worse...I now have a tingly spot, on and off.  So off to the doctor I went finally.  Will be having it x-rayed Monday after work.  Doubt anything shows up.
• We are starting to water down P's bottles at night in an attempt to wean him from night feedings.  First night didn't go very well.  Also going to move crib up into our bedroom for the purposes of transitioning to the crib.  I love having him next to me, but it is wearing on me with the no sleeping thing.  I bet that is half the trouble with my back.  And I miss cuddling with Hubby.  This way he is still close by and knows it.  Hoping for some progress. 
• Heading to Nana's for tonight and tomorrow...which means they play with P and I hopefully get Christmas cards addressed and ready to go as well as finish up some Christmas projects.  No lounging for me...this is a business trip!
• During this time Hubby has promised to clean the house...not holding my breath.
• I still get a kick out of seeing P smile in his sleep.  Makes my day.  :-)  I promise more videos next week...my blogging took a side seat to naps this week while I tried to survive the scheduling transition.
• 2 weeks till Christmas!  Gah!  Project overtime begins now!  

Enjoy your weekend!  

  

PYHO: The Weight Of Him

The to-do list I wrote up crinkles in my pocket as he adjusts his position, letting out a little sigh of contentment.  My left arm is asleep because when he fell asleep, he leaned onto my bicep.  The room has gone dark in the last hour, but the lights remain off.  The cats are begging for food, the dishes offend the eyes, and fur swirls under the fan along the carpet.

All of the thing that need to be done are, again, put on the back burner.  The Christmas gifts I need to finish?  The pie I promised?  The laundry that never gets put away? 

None of it matters in these moments.  The weight of him, the incredible warmth he gives off, the softness of his skin.  These things combined create magic, a feeling indescribable by words alone.  Perhaps with the addition of an orchestra and light show it could be done.  But I don't think so.  This time with him, these stolen moments when other things should be done, are priceless.

One day in the not-so-distant future, he won't need me as much.  He won't think the perfect place to rest is my body.  He will want to run, to jump, to have independence.  I will have to sneak the nuzzles of his neck, his scalp.  Tracing the lines of his hands, the creases in his wrists will no longer be a daily possibility, but a stolen luxury.

One day he will actually become the little boy I see in him so often now, and not a baby anymore.  He won't roll over seeking me, sleeping only when his hand comes in contact with my shoulder, when he can smell my skin close to his.  He won't regularly bury his head in my chest, bashful and loving, or reach up to touch my cheek while nursing or drinking a bottle.

And so that to-do list in my pocket will wait, will grow wrinkled, be lost until it turns up in the wash.  The cats will wait a little longer for food.  The furbaby dust bunnies will accumulate and the dishes will pile up.  Because in these moments, the weight of him is the most important thing, the most precious thing.  It is my reason for waking, for working.  The rest can wait while I drown in his softness, his odor, his absolute trust in me.  The rest doesn't matter while the weight of him fills my heart.

FNL: I'm Cranky This Week



• Have I told you that P's penis has become an innie because he is so chubs?  Looks like a little finger trap.  Hysterical trying to clean it!
• I had to make up our Holiday card list - NOT EASY! 
• P only woke up once Monday night...it was AWESOME!  I slept for nearly 5.5 hours straight.  Ahhhhhhh :-)
• My boobs have officially started shrinking.  Sigh.  All flab now.  Yick.
• P is VERY grabby right now.  It's all "mine mine mine" without the actual word.  If it is within reach, he will fight you for it.  Strong little booger.
• The driver's license drama continues.  It never showed.  The school will not return calls.  Because it is a CDL and the address of record is the school's, if he goes out there to request a duplicate, it will be mailed to the school again.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Only option is to request his records...by SNAIL MAIL.  And then pray the PA DMV will take those in order to process the license transfer.  Yes, this will take several more weeks. No, we are not happy people.
• Remember the epic fall I had a couple months ago?  My rib is STILL out of place.  Chiropractor puts it back, it pops back out.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Pain, drugs, pain, drugs.  You get the idea.  
• P is slowly being weaned onto table food chopped and mushed into teeny pieces, for dinner only, as that is the only meal for which we can do that.  With iffy results.  He will really eat just about anything.  Including mildly spicy things.  It also forces me to make healthy meals every night.  This is a good thing.
• He had yet another nasty yeast infection right around his bum-hole this week.  So bad it was bleeding and warranted a trip to the doctor where we discovered he is still gaining about 1/2 a pound a week.  22lbs 11oz as of Monday.  CHUB!  We had fun at the doctor though!

Reading in the waiting room.

Thigh Chub!

Hmm, how much do I weigh?

Woohoo!  This table is fun!

• Poo has become more regularly "solid" meaning we can use the flushable liners successfully, and therefore, less time spent spraying out poop explosion diapers.  Yes, this is exciting. 
• I feel I have been very negative lately, and I'm sorry.  Work has been rough, and the financial/roomie issues are getting to me.  I really am trying to see the bright side of things. 
• So if you can figure out a bright side to the hole I found in a molar at the gumline which is forcing me to go to the dentist for the first time in longer than I can remember.  I HATE the dentist.  I don't wanna.  Sigh...going to suck it up and make an appointment today...
• Speaking of teeth...I think the "teething" was not teething.  No teeth as of yet.  Nada, zip, zilch.  But I do think we will potentially see movement by Christmas.  Maybe.  Or maybe we will still just have the worm.  Who knows.  It is all a big guessing game :-)

Happy Friday to those of you for whom this is actually Friday!  Go have a weekend for me.

Preparing For Breastfeeding

* Note: I stole this from Aly who stole it from a friend :-) who apparently found it on Parenting.com  You know I love breastfeeding, but I nearly peed myself reading this.  For those thinking about breastfeeding, this is just the worst of it...it also has its joys.  For those of you who went through hell, you will enjoy the flashbacks.  Note: put on a panty liner first for those embarrasing leaks.  And, I wish I could be this clever!  Enjoy!

Suck It! The REAL way to prep for breastfeeding!

Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel." If you really want to feel ready to nurse, here's what to do.

Day 1

Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.

Day 2

At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.

Day 3

Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."

Day 4 

Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.

Day 5

Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.

Day 6

Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."

Day 7

Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.

Day 8

Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.

Day 9

Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.

Day 10

Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.

Day 11

Go someplace public -- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building -- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.

Day 12

Suckle a wolverine.

Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe

PYHO: Living With GAD



I have GAD.  Well, it depends on the doctor.  Some have said depression + anxiety. One even said possible bipolar.  I have some pretty serious highs and lows.  Some days I think the depression is the worst part of it.  It also comes with some OCD tendencies.  But really, the worst is the anxiety. 

I know many of us suffer from this, but for those of you that don't, I wanted to give you a glimpse into how the anxious brain, at least for me, functions. 

Example: We put up the first of the cool baby gates. Metal with bars and a door that swings open.  Most would look at it and see safety.  I looked at it and saw my cats lying with their heads through the bars with their neck broken.  The image doesn't go away.

Walking down my stairs with the baby is terrifying.  My mom won't do it.  I have no choice.  But what I see every time is me slipping and falling and P's lifeless body under me at the bottom.  I am a klutz.  This is not a stretch.  I need a house without stairs.

While driving I see myself going out of control and smashing headlong into a telephone pole or tree or something, totaling my car, and being seriously injured.  Worse, I see us being t-boned and P being seriously injured or killed. 

And on and on...you get the idea.  I look at normal things and see the worst.  And a panic attack?  Hyperventilation, shaking, what I call "tunnel vision"...rational goes out the window.  The good thing is that years ago I finally saw a doctor.  And last year we figured out what works for me.  Thank goodness.  Stressful jobs do not help, though.  With the meds, though, the things I imagine are able to be pushed away some.  I have a little more control. 

As a bonus, they actually do help with the depression and my excessive empathy, leaving me to watch movies without turning into a blubbering mess over every little joy and sadness.  Seriously, I have been known to cry at cotton commercials.  The downside?  Feeling kind of numb.  Not always being ABLE to cry if I want/need to.  But, being able to handle situations better?  It's worth it.  Most of the time. 

I know from experience that some people don't believe that something like this is a "real" disease.  It is.  And its effects can be devastating.  I missed 6 weeks of work last year when it was out of control.  It is VERY real, very scary, and sometime debilitating.  And when someone suffers, you can recommend things all you want, but in the end, like many things, a person has to want to have help.  It cannot be forced.  So please, be supportive to people in your life suffering from mental health diseases.  Listen when they need it.  Encourage them to seek help of whatever sort works for them.  But understand that sometimes, our reactions, our behaviours are out of our control.

*This is part of Shell's Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.  Feel free to join in, but be respectful.

Video Tuesday

I thought I would give you something to make you smile today :-)

Phelan the Raptor: http://youtu.be/mFQIZ2WHw5g

Phelan Clucks: http://youtu.be/w_3NZart7Rk

The Not-Crawl: http://youtu.be/_q_NEub_qdA

I can't embed from work...sorry gang.  Enjoy!!!

FNL: Thanksgiving Edition

• We survived Turkey Day.  P refused to eat or sleep all day.  Awesome.  He is totally out of whack.  Hoping he gets back to normal today.
• My dad is pushing for us to move to Vermont when he goes.  Part of me is not so much against this.  I would love for P to grow up in a rural New England setting...lots to consider.
• Still no driver's license for Hubby = still no job.  We are PISSED.  And he is so frustrated.  He wants to work.  And we REALLY need him to work.  Apparently he can have the BMV for IN fax an affadavit of some sort to the DMV for PA and hopefully get his license transferred that way.  It's that or drive to IN for a replacement.  Not really a financially great thing to do.  *pulls hair out in frustration*
• New schedule starts 12/4 - because my days off change from S/M off to F/S off I will be working 10 days straight.  Shoot me now!
• Oooh!  Our Christmas gift from my mom arrived - a Britax Roundabout 55.  It is HUGE.  And cozy.  And doesn't slip all over the place.  Here is my question: since 1 year is the minimum for rear-facing, but longer is recommended, what the hell do I do with the fact that his feet are already at the edge of the seat?  Do I just kind of let him scrunch up his legs?  Any tips would be greatly appreciated!
• I have some hysterical videos of P - I will try to get them posted this weekend.  I need to upload them first.  He is such a goof :-) 
• We have decided we ARE doing a tree this year, though there won't be much under it.  But I think he is old enough to be fascinated by it :-)  Not huge, and it's not going up for a couple more weeks.  I hate dealing with the never-ending pine needles!
• Still no teeth, no crawling (he can get up on his arms, or he can get his butt up, but not both, LOL).  No urge to stand or pull-to-standing.  Totally okay with my lazy baby :-)  Dreading child-proofing!  And chasing.  The poor animals are doomed once that starts!
• I decided just now to take a day off in the 10 day stretch.  So I will only do 7 days straight.  I can make it.  *Gulp*
• As usual, there was more on my mind, none of which I can remember, so I leave you here to enjoy the rest of your (hopefully) long weekend (I don't have one). 

PYHO: I Miss Ignorance

I would not have made it through this journey, from diagnosis through treatment and pregnancy, to OMG-what-do-I-do-with-this-small-screaming-human if it wasn't for the ALI blogging community. (See all the comments on my post from yesterday.)  My dream in life has been to DO GOOD.  To MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  And the ALI community has allowed that.  I can provide support, reach out, help others.  And for all of this I am incredibly grateful. 

But like Adele says, "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead." 

There have been times throughout this journey that I have had to back away.  That I haven't been able to read or comment.  The pain radiating from some people knocks me down like being slammed in the chest.  I am overly empathetic, and sometimes I just can't handle it.  I want to go back to be blissfully ignorant of things like IUGR and IC and watching your babies die after delivering too soon.  Of hearts and hopes crushed by a disease that isn't even recognized by most people. 

The lows are so incredibly low.  So terrible. So unbelievable sometimes.

But then there are the highs.  The suprise BFPs, the baby delivered safely after a complicated pregnancy, the adoptions that go through and stick.  Good news in this community can give me a high for days.  I don't mind my excessive empathy so much on those days.  I wish that joy on all of us. 

I won't ever turn my back completely and disappear.  I am part of this community, and always will be.  My family is not complete.  I have struggles to go.  I still have bump envy.  I am scared of another pregnancy...or of one never happening.  I want my friends to find joy, to be able to build their families. 

But somedays, I just want to go back and pretend I don't know about any of this.

This post is part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays over at Things I Can't Say, hosted by the awesome Shell.  Please go read, join in, and remember, we are pouring out things that are difficult to say, so keep an open mind and heart. 



Sleep Deprivation

Once again, I am going to touch on the issue of my son not sleeping. 

I hate CIO.  Hate it.  The sound of him screaming makes me want to tear my hair out and run to him.  I can't do it.  But waking up from 2-4 times a night? And the only thing that puts him back to sleep is milk.  The doctor said we can't give him water yet.  But really?  No wonder he is so chubby.  He goes through 3-4 bottles from 7 pm to 7 am.  Seriously. 

Last night?  Asleep at 6.  Up at 7, full 6 oz bottle.  Wide awake and playing.  7:30 took him to bed.  Meltdown.  4 oz later, back to sleep (8pm)  Up at 10:30 pm.  Bottle.  Up at midnight.  Finish bottle.  Up at 2.  Bottle.  Up at 3:30.  Play.  Until 5.  Bottle.  Apparently at that point he went back to sleep for 2 hours.  Of course, I was not home at this point. 

Listen, my kid is AHHHHH-MAZING.  He is chubby.  He is jolly.  He has adorable rosy cheeks.  He is like a baby Santa.  But he WILL NOT STAY ASLEEP.  I love him.  But I. Need. Sleep.  And seriously, he is so fat!  Why?  Because he eats allllll niiiiiiight looooong.  More frequently than he does during the day.  What is that about?  Tonight I am switching back to crib fun and see what happens.  And honestly, I'm giving him water.  He is obviously healthy.  And maybe water will be the trick.  I have heard it works for other people. I know I am not alone in this not-sleeping baby thing, but it feels like it some days.

Niece slept through the night at 10 weeks.    Sister and her DH did the 3 minutes crying the first night, 5 the next, etc etc etc and swore it worked.  But see, patting P on the back and soothing does not work.  He has to be picked back up.  And without bottle/boob, he screams.  Or...wakes up and plays.  Soooo....yeah.  Do I just accept that I may never sleep again?

I hate assvice.  And I know he should be sleeping at some point.  And I don't want to totally override his natural rhythms.  But more than 2 hours at a time would be nice.  Y'know?  So, please, I am taking suggestions. 

P.S.  I tried the water.  It went like this: suck suck WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.  So, fail.

FNL: Flustercuck

• I didn't want to put fuck in the title, thus "flustercuck." 
• Hubby had an interview last Friday for a good job - they hired the person in front of him.  Awesome.
• Hubby found a temp job - 4-12 weeks, 6 days a week, 12 hours a day.  Yeah, I won't see him.  What happens?  He goes in to fill out the paperwork, and they will not accept his temp IN license for a background check.  The actual license has not arrived yet.  Because the person who mailed it from the driving school put the wrong address on it.  So he CAN'T get a job until that arrives.  So he might miss out on this opportunity.  Awesome - again.  It seems they may hold a spot for him, so that is good.  He is so anxious to be working, contributing.
• P is a sneaky devil.  He faked out the very experienced sitter yesterday.  Cried as though in pain for 1.5 hours straight.  He even threw up.  She gave him teething rings, put teething gel on, gas drops, bicycled his legs, rocked him, walked him, tried to feed both milk and solid food...etc etc etc.  She finally called me because he is NEVER like this.  He is a happy baby.  So I left work and went to check on him - he fussed for show when I came in and then was all grins and happiness.  He played sick to get me to come to him.  At 8 months old.  I. Am. Screwed.  This kid is already too smart for his own good. 
• I am stoked about thrift store finds from earlier this week - rocking horses, a juicer, clothing, books, etc for $65.  SCORE! 
• In order to get everything for Christmas done I am going to have to start staying up later or doing projects while P is playing.  Sigh.  DIY Christmas.  Good to do.  Requires time.
• The first batch of Holiday cards rolled in - I am so stoked!  Our first family holiday card!  I feel so grown up.  Tee hee.
• In case you didn't read my post yesterday, I am FED UP with my job.  I hate that I need it.  Sorry, rough week.  Rough couple of weeks.  Mantra: "It pays the bills. It pays the bills. It pays the bill..."
• How is Thanksgiving next week?  Seriously.  How is it November.  And how is my son 8 months on Sunday.  WHERE IS THE TIME GOING????  Oh, Father Time, you are cruel sometimes. 
• I swear that I am brain dead.  I come in here to write, and I am at a loss. I feel like I have no direction on here anymore.  Someone told me I don't really NEED direction, but you know, I'd like to keep y'all interested.  I am just drawing a blank.  Sorry for being boring.  I love you all for sticking around.

Posted as part of Danifred's 

Go join in!

PYHO: When Work Changes You

*This was supposed to be my PYHO post for yesterday, but I was unable to get it completed on time. 

I used to like people. All kinds of people. And, in reality, I still do. My job has made it difficult for me to remember that.


I work in Technical Support for a wireless phone company. When your phone doesn't work, you call me. Working in a call center entails METRICS. Meaning, there are stats covering how long your calls are, how much time you spend on outbound calls, how many people call back after speaking with you...and on and on and on. What is considered "meeting" for these metrics can change from month-to-month as well as what counts toward our ranking can even change month-to-month. To say this can all be nerve-wracking is an understatement. There is "always room for improvement."
 
Given the above metrics, and that they affect my job performance, my bonuses, and the number of times I get "the talk" at work, my calls, and thus customers, can severely impact my day.  So people who have valid concerns, valid issues, and normally are people with whom I would get along (not all of them, not gonna lie) become irritants of the highest degree.
 
Calling from your phone?  STRIKE - this means I will either have to call you back on another line (outbound call time which affects my handle time) or you won't, and you will end up having to call back (affecting my percentage of people calling back).  Don't like you. 
 
Yelling at me because of a company policy?  STRIKE - I know, I know, I represent the company.  I get that.  But most likely I also think the policy sucks.  But I can't change it.  And if I tell you there is nothing else I can do, I am not lying to you.  My hands are tied.  Please stop yelling at me.  It doesn't change anything and just makes me frustrated. 
 
Have a new phone and can't figure out how to use it or follow simple directions?  STRIKE - I applaud you for trying something new, and I know you are just looking for help.  I get that.  If I had all day to teach you, I would be all over that.  But you needing me to walk you through every procedure on the phone for 45 minutes means my handle time is terrible, and I am held accountable for that.  Go to the store. 
 
You get the idea.  When I am not at work, I hate using the phone.  It takes me days to call people back.  DAYS.  I think my adoration for social media is because I don't have to speak.  I don't have to sound perky if I'm not.  I can say what I want when I want to.  Even if I adore you, chances are I don't want to speak with you on the phone. 
 
This is how I keep food on the table.  If I could find a job that paid this much I would be out of here.  Because I hate that I really dislike people now.  That valid things annoy the shit out of me because they make 40 hours of my life a week miserable.  It's not you.  Well, sometimes it is.  But really, it's me.  It's what limits me in my job.  I'm sure you're a nice person.  But stop calling me.  I'm over it.

Card Decision

I had a hard time figuring out cards.  And then realized that 2 of the cards I chose were the wrong size for the promo, so I said "Fuck it" and ordered all the same card.  I couldn't stand the thought of digging through the selections again.

So....

Here is the card for the season!

5x7 Folded Card

View the entire collection of cards.

This doesn't allow you to see the inside, unfortunately, but it's cool.  I am happy.  And I can't spend any more time on it.  They are ordered.

Thanks to Shutterfly, K, and Jen for the opportunity to send out cards this year!  It wouldn't have happened otherwise, and I am very grateful!

Happy Holidays!