Say What???

Some conversations had 'round these parts in the last month or so.  The ones I can remember anyway.

Me: Can you take P out of the high chair?  He needs to be wiped down.
Hubby: That's what the dog is for.

Hubby: (to P) No laptop for you!  You're too young for porn.
Me: Babe!
H: What?  You said he could play with it. (referring to his penis)
M: Well, yeah, but not in the "grab your dick and double click" kind of way!
*bonus points if you know what this is from!*
*Note: I am not anti-masturbation or anything, just not ready to think of my baby being old enough to do that.
*Note: Which made me realize that one day I will have a wet-dream-having, masturbating-into-socks teenager.  Oh, dear god, help me please.

Hubby: (as we drive past the house where a pot-bellied pig lives) Do you think they had ham for Thanksgiving?
Me: Oh, that's just wrong!
H: What?  They're different from regular pigs! 
M: I'm going to tell Aunt Lin you said that! (they just adopted a pig)
H: I bet they're having ham for Christmas...
M:  Not. Right.

Dad: Phelan, I think you will be sucking on Dad's boob tonight because Mom will be face down on the floor.
Me: Nice, Dad.

Text Message I Received: Hahahaha!! I just googled nipple pain from pumping and I saw your boobies!!!!
*Yup, set myself up for that one

Hubby hands me the sausage to put on for dinner - I make a face while touching the raw meat...
H: What you don't like touching sausage?
M: ........

Me: Be right back, P, I have to to potty.
Stepdad: (upon return) You have a son now, you have to say something like 'I'm going to take a leak.'  None of this potty shit.
M: Okay, umm, I'll try to keep that in mind.

Hubby: I was going to do laundry tomorrow, but I have to watch P.
Me: I take him to the laundromat all the time.
H: Yeah, but that's because you...
M: ...have mad mommy skills?
H: Basically!
M: Damn right I do!

Me: Okay, make sure you put that memory card somewhere safe.  They are small and easy to lose.
Customer:  Hmm, where can I...?  Oh, I know, I'll just stick it under my boob.
M: *snort*  Well, I suppose that would work...but what about if you have to shower?
C: Damn, I do need to bathe.  I guess I will put it in my wallet.

Our site director dressed up as Santa and handed out candy canes.
Supervisor to another Supervisor: Hey, can I sit on his lap and talk about whatever comes up?
*Really, do you need more than that?