Some conversations had 'round these parts in the last month or so. The ones I can remember anyway.
Me: Can you take P out of the high chair? He needs to be wiped down.
Hubby: That's what the dog is for.
Hubby: (to P) No laptop for you! You're too young for porn.
H: What? You said he could play with it. (referring to his penis)
M: Well, yeah, but not in the "grab your dick and double click" kind of way!
*bonus points if you know what this is from!*
*Note: I am not anti-masturbation or anything, just not ready to think of my baby being old enough to do that.
*Note: Which made me realize that one day I will have a wet-dream-having, masturbating-into-socks teenager. Oh, dear god, help me please.
Hubby: (as we drive past the house where a pot-bellied pig lives) Do you think they had ham for Thanksgiving?
Me: Oh, that's just wrong!
H: What? They're different from regular pigs!
M: I'm going to tell Aunt Lin you said that! (they just adopted a pig)
H: I bet they're having ham for Christmas...
M: Not. Right.
Dad: Phelan, I think you will be sucking on Dad's boob tonight because Mom will be face down on the floor.
Me: Nice, Dad.
Text Message I Received: Hahahaha!! I just googled nipple pain from pumping and I saw your boobies!!!!
*Yup, set myself up for that one
Hubby hands me the sausage to put on for dinner - I make a face while touching the raw meat...
H: What you don't like touching sausage?
Me: Be right back, P, I have to to potty.
Stepdad: (upon return) You have a son now, you have to say something like 'I'm going to take a leak.' None of this potty shit.
M: Okay, umm, I'll try to keep that in mind.
Hubby: I was going to do laundry tomorrow, but I have to watch P.
Me: I take him to the laundromat all the time.
H: Yeah, but that's because you...
M: ...have mad mommy skills?
M: Damn right I do!
Me: Okay, make sure you put that memory card somewhere safe. They are small and easy to lose.
Customer: Hmm, where can I...? Oh, I know, I'll just stick it under my boob.
M: *snort* Well, I suppose that would work...but what about if you have to shower?
C: Damn, I do need to bathe. I guess I will put it in my wallet.
Our site director dressed up as Santa and handed out candy canes.
Supervisor to another Supervisor: Hey, can I sit on his lap and talk about whatever comes up?
*Really, do you need more than that?