Thank goodness for P. Because even if he can't cut all the way through the fog, my need to care for him manages to override my need to hide from the world. Thank goodness.
It's in these times that I resent him, resent my husband, resent anyone who, in my mind, forces me to be a part of things, be social, do anything but sit in a corner and cry. Yes, I said I resent my son. The beautiful, amazing, happy, outgoing miracle child I sweat, cried, bled, and prayed for. When that fog descends, I resent even him.
And then I think, "Oh, my god, how can I feel that way? How can I feel anything other than joy and thankfulness at his existence?" Even writing about this, admitting this, I am crying. Remember a couple of weeks ago I said sometimes I think the depression is worse than the anxiety? When I am in the throes of a serious blue period I swear that this is worse. With anxiety, there are medicines available for acute attacks. For depression, not so much.
And lately, this has been a major problem. Some days I can snap out of it a little. Sometimes it lasts for weeks. And when I come out of it, I remember how thankful I am for everything. And then feel so guilty for the resentment that I feel.
I have just emerged from a bad couple of weeks. I am tenuously holding onto that. Because I need to see the good, remember that, and hope my brain can hang onto it. And it's not just feeling down...it's fatigue, and body pain, and all sorts of other things. It affects EVERYTHING. I am happy to be out of it for now. And trying not to think about it coming again anytime soon
I hope that you are out of this mood for a while. Hang in there. xo
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something I could say that could help. Please know you are not alone and we care out here in cyberland.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this post a lot. My partner has depression and social anxiety order. You have to remember when you're in your lows it is the depression....you can hate the depression, and when you come to, to continue to let the loved ones around you know how much you care and love them in return
ReplyDeleteJust sending hugs across the pond. xxx
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, I know...I KNOW what you write about. Just so you know it's the illness that makes you resent your son, your husband, your life. That's not the real you...it's the depression making you feel that way. It can't be helped, no matter how badly we try to force ourselves to feel any joy or appreciation for what we have in our lives.
ReplyDeleteJust try your best to enjoy the good times, even if you know that the fog may be looming in the far off distance. That's how I've been managing so far...just trying to be present in the moment and truly FEEL the happiness and the laughter that surrounds me. That's also what helps me pull through the funk when it hits.
I'm always here if you need extra support and/or encouragement.