PYHO: I Miss Ignorance

I would not have made it through this journey, from diagnosis through treatment and pregnancy, to OMG-what-do-I-do-with-this-small-screaming-human if it wasn't for the ALI blogging community. (See all the comments on my post from yesterday.)  My dream in life has been to DO GOOD.  To MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  And the ALI community has allowed that.  I can provide support, reach out, help others.  And for all of this I am incredibly grateful. 

But like Adele says, "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead." 

There have been times throughout this journey that I have had to back away.  That I haven't been able to read or comment.  The pain radiating from some people knocks me down like being slammed in the chest.  I am overly empathetic, and sometimes I just can't handle it.  I want to go back to be blissfully ignorant of things like IUGR and IC and watching your babies die after delivering too soon.  Of hearts and hopes crushed by a disease that isn't even recognized by most people. 

The lows are so incredibly low.  So terrible. So unbelievable sometimes.

But then there are the highs.  The suprise BFPs, the baby delivered safely after a complicated pregnancy, the adoptions that go through and stick.  Good news in this community can give me a high for days.  I don't mind my excessive empathy so much on those days.  I wish that joy on all of us. 

I won't ever turn my back completely and disappear.  I am part of this community, and always will be.  My family is not complete.  I have struggles to go.  I still have bump envy.  I am scared of another pregnancy...or of one never happening.  I want my friends to find joy, to be able to build their families. 

But somedays, I just want to go back and pretend I don't know about any of this.

This post is part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays over at Things I Can't Say, hosted by the awesome Shell.  Please go read, join in, and remember, we are pouring out things that are difficult to say, so keep an open mind and heart.