There is so much on my mind, so much I want to write about. But I'm tired of being a Debbie Downer. I don't want to always be "woe is me."
But I'm tired of making decisions that rob Peter to pay Paul. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like we get something good to happen and then just as quickly a series of shit-on-us days. We had our dream come true in P earlier this year, and I feel like I almost can't enjoy that fact as much as I want to.
YES. I want my goddamn cake and a fork with which to eat it. I want to just grow my family like a freaking normal person. Wah. Pity Party. I know, I know. But could I get just a little bit of time to truly enjoy things before fretting about something else? Fuck.
I need to figure out a way to bring back me and Hubby time. To overcome the lack of sex drive. (Side note: someone played with my hair today because it hasn't been this long in a while and it ellicited a response I didn't expect...I need to make that happen at home.) I think the money frustrations and me going to bed so early and feeling like a flabby tub of lard are all contributing to not wanting to be...naked. Really, with anyone.
You know what I want most? I want a chance to cry. To let out all this fear and anger and frustration. I want a night to cuddle. Just cuddle. With no pressure or, ummm, pokes. I feel like I need to start over. I need to be wooed. And I need some bloody foreplay. I don't want a quickie. My body needs some encouragement these days. And even though P barely nurses these days, I still feel like my BBs are off-limits...which is NOT helping.
I feel the need for some major changes. MAJOR. Like, an overhaul of my life and person and ...whatever all goes with that.
And since I'm being a whiny brat, let me put it all out there. That overhaul needs to include some decisions about Christmas. Because right now I am hating it. I used to LOVE Christmas. Love it. I love the SPIRIT of it. I won't get into the things that have slowly encroached into my Christmas joy, but suffice it to say that currently, it deals with money. I am tired of being the family members who can't give back. I'm tired of seeing dear friends struggling to buy gifts for their children. It shouldn't be a choice between food and gifts. I hate that we are doing food and clothing drives at work and I'm thinking...I want to give, but I actually NEED these things.
I over-empathize. I know this. But I think a discussion with Hubby is going to happen wherein we start a tradition, now, before P knows any different, that Christmas in our family involves stockings maybe, but that we give our TIME for the season. We go volunteer. Something.
How we will reconcile this with the rest of the family. To be fair, it has become very low key in terms of gifts. "Need, Read, Eat, Play" Unfortunately this year I pretty much only managed need and read for mostly everyone. So maybe it won't be that hard. I don't want P to ever feel sleighted though. So we need to start teaching him the true spirit early.
See, this is why I haven't been blogging lately. I am so overwhelmed...I don't even know where to start. And I can't even consolidate my thoughts into concise, well-written information. So, today, you get verbal diarrhea. I'm sorry. But thank you thank you thank you for listening. Seriously. Without you all this would all be oh, so much harder.