There is so much on my mind, so much I want to write about. But I'm tired of being a Debbie Downer. I don't want to always be "woe is me."
But I'm tired of making decisions that rob Peter to pay Paul. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like we get something good to happen and then just as quickly a series of shit-on-us days. We had our dream come true in P earlier this year, and I feel like I almost can't enjoy that fact as much as I want to.
YES. I want my goddamn cake and a fork with which to eat it. I want to just grow my family like a freaking normal person. Wah. Pity Party. I know, I know. But could I get just a little bit of time to truly enjoy things before fretting about something else? Fuck.
I need to figure out a way to bring back me and Hubby time. To overcome the lack of sex drive. (Side note: someone played with my hair today because it hasn't been this long in a while and it ellicited a response I didn't expect...I need to make that happen at home.) I think the money frustrations and me going to bed so early and feeling like a flabby tub of lard are all contributing to not wanting to be...naked. Really, with anyone.
You know what I want most? I want a chance to cry. To let out all this fear and anger and frustration. I want a night to cuddle. Just cuddle. With no pressure or, ummm, pokes. I feel like I need to start over. I need to be wooed. And I need some bloody foreplay. I don't want a quickie. My body needs some encouragement these days. And even though P barely nurses these days, I still feel like my BBs are off-limits...which is NOT helping.
I feel the need for some major changes. MAJOR. Like, an overhaul of my life and person and ...whatever all goes with that.
And since I'm being a whiny brat, let me put it all out there. That overhaul needs to include some decisions about Christmas. Because right now I am hating it. I used to LOVE Christmas. Love it. I love the SPIRIT of it. I won't get into the things that have slowly encroached into my Christmas joy, but suffice it to say that currently, it deals with money. I am tired of being the family members who can't give back. I'm tired of seeing dear friends struggling to buy gifts for their children. It shouldn't be a choice between food and gifts. I hate that we are doing food and clothing drives at work and I'm thinking...I want to give, but I actually NEED these things.
I over-empathize. I know this. But I think a discussion with Hubby is going to happen wherein we start a tradition, now, before P knows any different, that Christmas in our family involves stockings maybe, but that we give our TIME for the season. We go volunteer. Something.
How we will reconcile this with the rest of the family. To be fair, it has become very low key in terms of gifts. "Need, Read, Eat, Play" Unfortunately this year I pretty much only managed need and read for mostly everyone. So maybe it won't be that hard. I don't want P to ever feel sleighted though. So we need to start teaching him the true spirit early.
See, this is why I haven't been blogging lately. I am so overwhelmed...I don't even know where to start. And I can't even consolidate my thoughts into concise, well-written information. So, today, you get verbal diarrhea. I'm sorry. But thank you thank you thank you for listening. Seriously. Without you all this would all be oh, so much harder.
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I hear you on the whole "not in the mood front" I say the same things to Pete, I want to be wooed, I just want to cuddle. It feels like we are starting from scratch. (And this isn't post baby but just m/c & IF which also impact this too...) I love the spirit of the holidays but hate the pressures. I know my sister has a tradition (and they have $) of just 2 gifts per child (from parents) and they try not to make them insane. (i/e a book and a doll not a power wheels and giant doll house). It's good to think about these things in advance. My other sister used to go apeshit with presents and then they both lost their jobs and now she is overcome with guilt at the "small piles." It feels...off balance to me. Anyways, I have verbal diarrhea now too. So I'll stop. :)
ReplyDeleteyeah, so, first off, I have to commend you for the verbal diarrhea - way better than just letting it all rot inside your head. (which is what I tend to do.)
ReplyDeletethe holidays are always so overwhelming. I love them, but also have a hard time keeping up with it all. I love the traditions of spending time with family, cooking together, putting up lights, drinking hot coco, listening to the music. I love your idea of starting your very own family tradition, one that really gets at what the season is about.
I hope that you are able to share with hubby what you need from him to 'reconnect'. I suspect that ML and I will be having a similar conversation when the time comes.
much love to you my dear friend!
Times are not kind to you, but you can still make time to just take in the good things in your life. I am not going to list them for you, because you already know what and who they are. Yes, lack of money sucks donkey balls and a stick, but as long as you are together, you can laugh and talk and dream and plan and see your child be happy and healthy.
ReplyDeleteAs for alone time, yes, you need to make an effort to do that, and when you are tired and feeling like crap, it is tenfold harder. But you know what, if you just put that bit of effort to stay awake for it, you might get a nice surprise. It won't be for more than a..erm... longish quicky for a while, I am afraid, but I, for one, was shocked to find out I was willing to make the effort for that, sleep deprivation and tiredness and all. Practice does make it all better. ;-)
I hope it all gets better soon. Making your own tradition for Christmas is a lovely idea. If family does not understand your situation, well, let's just hope they don't get to walk in your shoes to finally get it. Even though that would even things out. Focus on what matters.
Hugs.
Mina
Sending hugs your way, hon. And let me just say, I totally understand where you're coming from.
ReplyDeleteYou are perfectly entitled to feel pissed off. You do have a lot of stuff to be dealing with. Have a good spill (here, with friends, with your fella) then do what you can about the stuff you can do something about. So sorry that things aren't better. x
ReplyDeleteYou know.. just like the parable in the bible that talks about the widow giving 2 coins is a greater gift than the rich man giving a fortune... I think you should be proud, that despite struggle and adversity, your core values lead you to still give. The idea of taking the focus off of material things, and GIVE as a gift during Christmas is amazing!
ReplyDeleteP is really lucky to have you as a mom!
Personally I've become so anti-holiday that I just hide and try to believe they don't exist. I think it's part of a defense mechanism of feeling isolated in my family for a really long time (even before IF, etc.) I just want them to go by. But, I love your idea of making a tradition that is giving and in the true spirit. The last several times I was at home for the holidays all we did is watch my cousin give her children RIDICULOUS numbers of gifts twice -- once for Chanukah and once for Christmas. It was uncomfortable to watch. I think it just turned me off of the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I'm with you about the sex drive -- obviously in a different place but I truly wonder if mine will ever come back after IF.
Yes to all this.
ReplyDeleteI'll throw in my hubby staying up to watch TV and falling asleep on the couch to the no sex. And me resenting him for not working all that time.
Just wanted to say "hugs" and I get this. I sooooo get this. Would that you were closer; I'm sure a bottle or two of wine between us would go down perfectly right about now.
ReplyDelete