Thursday, December 1, 2011

Preparing For Breastfeeding

* Note: I stole this from Aly who stole it from a friend :-) who apparently found it on  You know I love breastfeeding, but I nearly peed myself reading this.  For those thinking about breastfeeding, this is just the worst of also has its joys.  For those of you who went through hell, you will enjoy the flashbacks.  Note: put on a panty liner first for those embarrasing leaks.  And, I wish I could be this clever!  Enjoy!

Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel." If you really want to feel ready to nurse, here's what to do.

Day 1
Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2
At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.
Day 3
Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."
Day 4 
Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5
Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6
Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."
Day 7
Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8
Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9
Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.
Day 10
Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11
Go someplace public -- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building -- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12
Suckle a wolverine.
Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe


  1. That's hilarious. My three week old daughter and I have already seen two lactation consultants and I'm calling a third today, because of the problems we're having. It was good to get a laugh.

  2. 20 minutes? dilettante.

    the rest seems just about right, except there needs to be something to help you practice feeling inadequate.

  3. Hahahahaha! Getting pretty good at smiling at strangers as Bubba is flirting shamelessly while flashing my boob!


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