With my fluctuating mental state, my feelings about Cricket 2.0 change sometimes from hour to hour. Some days I think, "No way can I go through the 8 months of puking, possible bedrest, lack of sleep for god knows how long...no way can I fret wondering if embryos take, or that if it doesn't work we really have no more options." It's too much.
And then I have times like over this past weekend. Friday evening P got a chance to hang out with Niece. And he's now old enough to interact. They were kissing on each other, trading toys back and forth. Interacting. Like siblings (really close in age) might.
And then I see 2 children in my head, playing on the floor...not the 2 in front of me, but P and another could-be sibling. I see him kissing a baby brother or sister on the forehead. I SEE it. Like ghosts of children future.
I get baby fever around newborns, feel my ovaries and uterus literally ache, but it's seeing P with other children that totally sets off my IF meltdown mode. It's when I know that I should NOT make the decision to give up when I am down. It's when I know that my family doesn't feel complete. It's when I know that even though I'm exhausted, scared of failure, scared of handling 2 children, that I want a sibling for our sweet boy.
Here's the thing...I think if we need to make the decision that he is to be our only child that I will somehow learn to cope. He is an active kiddo, and giving him all of our attention won't be such a bad thing. I'm not there yet, but some days I am close.
If you decided to forgo further treatment and enjoy your one miracle, how did you decide that? Was it difficult? How did you let go?
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I know it's not the same thing, but we are having similar thoughts and conversations here (except with adoption of course). I NEVER wanted to have only one child. But the reality is that we are scraping by right now; there is no way on this earth that we could cough up ANOTHER $1000 a month for daycare. So, where does that leave us? Either one of us stays home, which means huge major lifestyle changes, including selling our house most likely and moving into a tiny rental... or we wait until the boy is in kindergarten?? Really?? Hubby will be 45 then.....................
ReplyDeletePoint is, I feel your pain!
Um. DS was IVF 4 (+, depending what you count), the first (and last) that resulted in a pregnancy. We did 1 FET and 2 IVFs after that; neither worked. I was 41, DH was 57. On some important level the deciding factor for me (not DH, he'd have quit long before) was that 6 IVFs in, we'd have had to do more surgery on him to retrieve his sperm. He didn't want to, and I decided ... his body, his self. So.
ReplyDeleteThere are things I can do as a parent to one preschooler that I couldn't as a parent to two, mostly involving trips to visit extended family. I'm cautiously, nay, guardedly hopeful one or both of DH's adult kids might provide us with a grandkid before TOO long. And if anyone asks DS is wants a sister or brother he looks at them like they are a total dope; he has those (albeit each a half-sib old enough to be his parent). And though I scoff :) at Amber's "DH is 45," I'm not sure I'm 100% comfortable with having a baby when my DH is 60 (+). But I do sure wish DS had a sibling close in age.
I get this so much. Up until my last trimester my pregnancy with N was pretty pain free, all except for some MAJOR heartburn. The last trimester brought on the most unbearable hip pain that the idea of walking 6 steps down into the den would bring tears to my eyes. For the length of the third tri I basically sat on the top step to watch TV. I worry about that kind of pain for #2 with a toddler running around on top of it.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is assuming one of our frozen embies will find a home in my uterus for 9 months. I struggle often with the question of am I ok with one child. I am OK with it because we thought we might have none, but N is so sweet and loving and I want to make him a big brother. Just like I wanted to make my husband a Dad and my parents Grandparents.
I can see two, sometimes I can see three. I know we have more children. Three of us now have so much love to give. I realize I'm not offering you much advice, just hugs and support. I'm with you!