I woke up the other morning with a difficult realization. I am ANGRY. I am an angry person. I am angry at a lot of things. Which means that I am angry with myself. Because some of the situations, etc, have been caused by decisions I have made. Not all of them, but some.
I am ANGRY that we are the black sheep, the "failures" of the family.
I am ANGRY that I have lost passion in my marriage.
I am ANGRY that we can't just make another baby like "normal" people.
I am ANGRY that Hubby got hurt when he was young and finding work is becoming more and more difficult.
I am ANGRY that I cannot figure out a way to make him feel okay about this, to reassure him.
I am ANGRY that it may mean we struggle our whole lives.
I am ANGRY that I am in a dead-end job for which I am woefully over qualified in terms of education, but seeminly unable to move forward.
I am ANGRY that the job Hubby did have left us in major tax debt, and that this year will most likely just worsen the situation.
I am ANGRY that the medications that allow me to function without being a total basketcase also have all but killed my sex drive and make losing weight nearly impossible.
I am ANGRY that me being overwhelmed with so much leads to me not being motivated at home to do things, clean up, etc.
I am ANGRY that this feeling of being overwhelmed also leads to me wanting to shut out Hubby and P even more.
I am ANGRY that I have to decide to not pay bills, or not pay rent, or sometimes both. This is NOT how I want to live my life.
I am not trying to whine. Far from it. I need to get it off my chest. Because maybe it will help me let go of the anger, and move forward. Make a plan. Stop sticking my head in the sand like an Ostrich.
Like Smash Mouth says, "I could use a little fuel myself, and we could all use a little change."
How do I elicit change? How do I let go of anger enough to do this? How do I forgive myself, my husband, my body?