I am ANGRY that we are the black sheep, the "failures" of the family.
I am ANGRY that I have lost passion in my marriage.
I am ANGRY that we can't just make another baby like "normal" people.
I am ANGRY that Hubby got hurt when he was young and finding work is becoming more and more difficult.
I am ANGRY that I cannot figure out a way to make him feel okay about this, to reassure him.
I am ANGRY that it may mean we struggle our whole lives.
I am ANGRY that I am in a dead-end job for which I am woefully over qualified in terms of education, but seeminly unable to move forward.
I am ANGRY that the job Hubby did have left us in major tax debt, and that this year will most likely just worsen the situation.
I am ANGRY that the medications that allow me to function without being a total basketcase also have all but killed my sex drive and make losing weight nearly impossible.
I am ANGRY that me being overwhelmed with so much leads to me not being motivated at home to do things, clean up, etc.
I am ANGRY that this feeling of being overwhelmed also leads to me wanting to shut out Hubby and P even more.
I am ANGRY that I have to decide to not pay bills, or not pay rent, or sometimes both. This is NOT how I want to live my life.
I am not trying to whine. Far from it. I need to get it off my chest. Because maybe it will help me let go of the anger, and move forward. Make a plan. Stop sticking my head in the sand like an Ostrich.
Like Smash Mouth says, "I could use a little fuel myself, and we could all use a little change."
How do I elicit change? How do I let go of anger enough to do this? How do I forgive myself, my husband, my body?
I hope writing it out helps. Sometimes that makes me feel better and makes me move forward.
ReplyDeleteWriting to release is important, especially to move forward. That's a lot on your plate, wishing you the best and strength to persevere.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea. But given my post yesterday, I'm looking for a way to let go of some anger too. If you find out any tricks or tips, get in touch. Honestly, holding onto it is tiring. But like you, I do not know how to let go. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteIt would be great to be one of those women who says "Okay, breathe, everything is fine," but you've had a lot of shit thrown at you. When so many circumstances are out of your control, emotions can spiral the same way. Don't overwhelm yourself by blaming yourself for your anger, and don't try to cure it all at once. Take it day by day. You feel good one day/hour/minute? Fantastic! Revel in it and elicit change in those moments! But life is known for its ups and downs, and if you feel anger and resentment the next day, so be it. You recognize what you're angry at - that's a good sign and the first step, as you already seem to know.
ReplyDelete*hug
(sorry for the comment-novel)
I wish I had answers for you. I'm angry alot too. Mainly at the hubby for choices he made that put us in the situation we are in. Which isn't helping at all. I need a fairy god mother I think!
ReplyDeleteG- I totally get it. The shifts that we want more than anything sometimes come from surprising places. You just never know what might be amazing in 2012. Here is me sending you some hope and a hug for 2012. Sometimes we must embrace the day and look for the tiny miracles just to get through. They are there, I just know it. xoxo Loren
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to all of this. We are snowed under by debt and special needs children. We will probably need to move out of our home soon, the only one our kids have known and go - who knows where. I am angry and in despair so much of the time. Life feels very unfair right now.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find a way out soon. I know writing helps.
Oh, sweetie! I am so sorry you're feeling like this. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Unfortunately, I don't have answers for you. I feel anger like that - everything that disappoints me or that I have to do that isn't my choice sparks it off. It's so hard to get through the day sometimes. Please know I'm here if you ever need to chat! I do understand where you're coming from!
ReplyDeleteI do a 'what's pissing me off' list, which you have done above. I put everything down that is upsetting or annoying me from an ill relative to a broken nail. I have a rant about each thing.
ReplyDeleteThen once its all out I go back and answer each one. Some things you cannot change. Others you can. Change the things you can, try to accept the things you can't.
You have a complete right to be pissed off. Hopefully you can find a way through. x
There are no ready answers, and I would do well to not oversimplify your problem.
ReplyDeleteAnger is not a positive emotion, but you do have number of things eating your brains.
I think if your hubby got a stable job, it will begin to solve a number of things. Number of them, as I can see.
This is a very delicate issue, and I hope you can sort it out between you and hubby.
xo
Well, first of all, I commend you on just putting it out there...getting it off your chest and not allowing your anger to control you any longer.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, anger is a good emotion to feel, as strange as that may sound. When I complained to my former therapist that I "hated" my husband, he said, "That's good. It's good that you feel something. If you felt nothing at all, that's when I'd be worried."
I certainly don't have all the answers as you know I suffer from similar issues with depression and anxiety. But what I can tell you is take baby steps. Change the things you have the power to change even if it's in small increments. Don't look at the bigger picture right now because it's too overwhelming and makes you want to just throw your hands in the air.
Deal with one thing at a time. Your job. Your marriage. Your body. Tackle one thing at a time and do what you can to feel better about each one.
Hang in there. I know it's hard but you have a lot of support here in the blogosphere from others who understand and care.
Sometimes it helps to state it all out. I know I've become so much angrier over the past few years than I used to.
ReplyDeleteI hope so much that some things change that can help you get beyond some of this.
I wish there was something I oculd say or a suggestion I could give, but there isn't.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts my friend, and angry is ok - get it out, move forward. Just keep moving forward.