Wednesday, January 25, 2012

PYHO: Ready To Run

Panic mode has set in.  I want to run and leave this state, the crap behind.  Logically, I know it doesn't work this way, but a fresh start always makes me feel better.  But things are different now.  It's not just me.  It's not even just me and Hubby.  We have a child (sometimes still a shock)!

3 years ago, when we hit rock bottom, it wasn't nearly as scary.  We left CA, drove cross country, moved in with my dad (NEVER AGAIN), I got a job, and we set up shop.  Seriously, it was an adventure.  It was difficult to leave his family, but it was a FRESH START.  There was so much potential.  We made the decision and left within 3 weeks.  Wham!  Bam!  Thank you, ma'am.

Everything in my body, my whole being wants to just RUN.  Go.  Move on from here.  Leave behind the bad and take the good with us.  CO looks nice...always wanted to live there.  Maybe we could actually find Hubs a job. 

But any move like that will cost us money we don't have, money that would be our down payment.  It would separate us from both sides of the family.  It would probably destroy my mother, who has enough on her plate right now.  Hubby mentioned OH as well since we have friends there.  Moving for him is considerably more traumatic.  I know people EVERYWHERE.  He doesn't.  And he's socially awkward.  It's a difficult adjustment when we move. 

The roamer, the bum, the adventurer in me says we have overstayed our welcome in this corner of the world and it is TIME TO MOVE ON.  The woman who has become a wife, and more importantly, a mother, knows that a gut reaction isn't the best move.  It needs to be carefully considered, planned out.  Would I love to raise P in CO?  OMG, you have NO idea how much I would like that.  Are there houses within our measly budget there?  Yup.  Job for me?  Yup...should be able to transfer to the call center there.  But it doesn't have our current support system.  It doesn't have Grandparents.  For a roamer, a traveller, I am an awful homebody. 

Parenthood grounds me.  But that inner essential part of me?  She is so ready to run. Ready to start anew and make all the bad and struggle go away and be in another city, another place.  Ready to wipe the slate clean. 

Because I am so scared right now.  Dire straits indeed, my friends. 

I am pouring out my heart with Shell over at Things I Can't Say.  Join in.  Let it out. 

*Note: The stinking computer wouldn't let me add the PYHO button.  Grrr.

1 comment:

  1. I understand that desire to run. We've moved so much that it feels weird to be in one place very long.


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