Sometimes I doubt my marriage. I know I am not alone in this. We are so different. And more like old friends than passionate lovers. I knew when we started dating that I was signing on for life, and I made that decision for a number of reasons.
Some days, I want to kill him. I'm sure he feels the same about me. We don't fight, not really. There are no knock-down drag-out fights. Also, no make-up sex, LOL. But I knew he would be an amazing father. And he puts his whole heart into his caring for us. He will defend and protect us to the end of his days. And that is WHY. Why I married him.
But still, sometimes, there is doubt.
But then there are the times he just does or says something that erases those doubts away, at least for a while. As though he can read my thoughts. And it reminds me of the why.
I have a dream. It's not a big thing. In fact, as far as my dreams go, it's pretty tame and fairly attainable. I don't tell many people about it, and I've never mentioned it to Hubby, for whatever reason. I want to plant a tree. In a yard. Of a house that is MINE. Silly, really, for a nomad. But, even if the other dreams come true and I get to travel and see the world, I need to have a home. Somewhere I hang my hat. Because I am divided like that. And at that home, I want to plant a tree, and watch it grow through the years, with my child/ren, a symbol of the life I lead. The house we looked at Friday would have been perfect for this. But, alas, not meant to be.
And perhaps it is a little naive to think on our meager budget we can find a place that will be that home. Neither here nor there.
Friday, after we got back from seeing that house, Hubby was just as disappointed as me. And he said something...something that blew me away.
"I really wanted that to be the house. Because I want to plant a tree. And watch it grow."
I let it sink in, and then a while later, asked him "why?" He said that it would be a symbol, our Tree Of Life. It was one of those moments when the doubts are erased, washed away by a flood of "Yes, this is why, and this is right."
Sometimes, he just gets it.
And someday, we will plant our tree. Our child/ren will watch it grow, and grow with it. And years later remember a day when they were the same size as that tree. And how it changed as they grew. And how we all changed as we grew.