Saturday, January 28, 2012

Donna Reed I Am Not

I jokingly call Sister Donna Reed.  Or Martha Stewart.  If you were to tour our houses, or take notes on our parenting styles, you would quickly realize that while she may be a domestic goddess, I am far, far from it.

For your amusement, I have compiled The Top Ten Reasons I Am Not Donna Reed.

10.  I allow my son to feed the dog from his high chair, including having his fingers licked by the dog, and continue to eat.  I figure that the dog licks him on the face/mouth all the time so what's the difference.

9 . I never vacuum.  But we have 4 very furry furbabies.  Solution: Put P in fleece clothing and allow him to roll around.  This tends to get the worst of the hairballs out of the way.  While allowing him to do this, I have to make sure he doesn't eat too many of said hairballs.  It's protein, right?

8.  My son has fallen off places he probably shouldn't have been.  Because I neglect to realize how mobile he is.  When I was his age I fell out a 1st floor window onto concrete.  I never let him near windows.  But the couch?  Absolutely.

7.  I understand the concept of dusting.  My version involves looking at the shelves, thinking "ewww" and then sitting back down.  Because honestly, I'd rather blog or tweet.

6.  Dirty laundry is in one pile.  Clean laundry is typically in the hampers awaiting some miraculous afternoon that allows me to put it all away.  Which isn't going to happen.  Sometimes clean laundry is in a pile, too.  A separate pile.  This is what happens when you have to use a laundromat and so save up weeks worth of clothing.  I think I was a man in another life.

5.  I am fairly certain that Donna Reed does not have a pile of coats in the corner of her living room.  Blocking the access to the DVD shelf...that has never been dusted.

4.  I can't remember the real words to "Old MacDonald Had A Farm" because Seamus Kennedy did a version called "Old MacDonald's Deformed Farm" and it is forever the version that I know.  Which means that in all liklehood, it is the version P will learn.  It is totally acceptable to teach him a song about a drug dealing duck, right?

3.  Speaking of appropriate, P has a teething toy that looks like a really fun vibrator.  I entertained thoughts of figuring out how to make it one.  But then I thought that it wouldn't be fair to him to have to share his teether with Mama.

2.  There is a very good chance that P's first word will be "fuck".  Or "butthead".

And the #1 reason I am NOT Donna Reed is...

1.  We have one set of winter flannel sheets.  We have no washer or dryer.  We cosleep.  This leads to leaks.  In the bed.  I am utterly guilty of spraying said leak spot with febreeze, tossing a towel on top of it, and going back to bed.  Repeatedly.  Until it's laundry day.  Talk about Real Housewives of *insert county name here*.

I will definitely not be getting any Good Housekeeping awards.  But I'm fairly certain my kid will not be afraid to get dirty, make a mess, or generally be a kid.


  1. Oh hon... thank you so much for the laugh, and letting me know I'm not alone. My kitchen floor is shockingly messy all the time and yet I let Ginny crawl/walk all over. My mother would be appalled...

    The vibrator comment you made.... I will never be able to look at Ginny's teething toys the same again! LOL

  2. bahhah! I'm with ya on #10 and #8 :)

  3. You literally never vacuum? There's a big difference between not being Donna Reed and keeping your house even somewhat sanitary for your child, just as there is a difference between being laid back and being lazy. Gross.

    1. Oh, for gooness sake. I don't actually NEVER vacuum. My house is messy, but not unsanitary. Tongue in cheek, whoever you may be.

  4. I love you. And I actually never do vacuum, but my husband does, so Anon can keep the undies unbunched.

    I don't know the song you reference, but I can tell you that the other day I was standing in the ladies changing room of our local public pool debating the following etiquette issue: is it better to say something to my preschool son who is singing ... was it Led Zeppelin or AC/DC? ... lyrics (and yes, he does know examples both; I blame my husband!) as he showers in that same changing room, or just to keep my mouth shut?

    I gave my son a pacifier and made extensive use of same, having thought I wouldn't. The "not" thinking was based on "why let the kid acquire a habit I have to break later?" The more realistic "yes" thinking was based on the fact that a toddler with a paci in his mouth isn't putting ... bugs ... or berries ... or dog poop in his mouth.

  5. OMG, this was some funny stuff!! #9 especially cracked me up! I'm no Donna Reed either!

  6. I have Donna Reed moments where my house gets really clean. Then there are days like last night where I was just plain tired so the dirty dishes are still in the sink waiting for me today. I have also seriously considered putting swiffer pads on Jellybean so he can start helping with chores. He could get into places the swiffer won't reach too!


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