Friday, December 31, 2010

Wistful and Weepy

This has been the best week, emotionally, for me, in so long I can't even remember.  Months.  Many months.  Figures it is the last of the year ;-P

At the same time, oddly, yesterday became quite emotional. 

First, I have a friend IRL going through IF.  She comes to me with questions, concerns, needing recommendations, etc.  This week, she thought she might finally be pregnant (3rd cycle of Clomid this time around) - AF was 6 days late, but HPT was BFN.  (Okay, if you aren't IF, that ENTIRE sentence was absolute gibberish, LOL).  She asked me about a possible false negative...very rare that late.  I mentioned a concern of cysts.  So, she went in, got b/w and the official BFN, and is going in for an u/s next week, and has been referred to an RE (not mine!  I told her if she doesn't like him to go to mine.)  She is devastated.  She asked me how I did it for over 2 years.  I pointed out that realistically, I actually went through less of the testing and whatnot than she already has, but she just meant the months upon months of hope being dashed by yet another single line on an HPT.  I wanted to cry for her.  I know how hard it is.  My heart ached for her, so if you all could just send some mental hugs her way, I'd appreciate it.

Second: Hubby and I have been watching oodles of Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe.  Yay Netflix.  Anyway, last night we watched a favorite episode: the one where they go to APES in South Africa to a Vervent Monkey refuge.  As many of you know, I spent 6 months a long time ago, another life ago, in Namibia, just to the north and west of South Africa.  They show a lot of the scenery there in this episode, plus the accent, going to see the local tribal heart began to ache.  I didn't show Hubby...though I made comments about things - yes, those Acacia thorns really are that big, and yes, they hurt like hell.   And so on.  I am always amazed at how, much like a scent, just one little thing can tug at my heart like that, make me wonder about choices I've made, where I am today....

I think a large part of my heart will always be in Africa, and I don't know that I will ever have true closure on that front.  It calls to me....

Third:  Last night was one of those nights where sleep didn't happen very easily.  I tossed, I turned, I momentarily thought of smothering Hubby so he would stop snoring, and kicked the dog off the bed more than once.  When at last I did sleep, I had one of my IF nightmares.  I won't get into details.  You've been there.  I haven't had one since being pregnant...plenty of pregnancy nightmares, though!  This had to do with after Cricket, when we may want a 2nd know how they go.  I was sobbing in my dream, and woke up sobbing.  Couldn't believe I didn't wake up Hubby.  I just laid there and cried.  I am mildly weepy right now.  Still feeling fantastic overall, just...sometimes reality comes in and deals a big blow. 

I have been very big on not focusing on the AFTER.  I have been, instead, focusing on the NOW.  What I DO have, the miracle of it all.  So to have this dream was kind of surprising to me...I don't know where it came from.  My subconscious is evil, I swear.  (Note, on TV right now there is some crazy 80's flashback video about crazy nightmare dreams, and they are visualized....NOT HELPING!!!)  It was a very big reminder that IF will always be with me, in some capacity. 

This is so not the type of end-of-year post most would post.  It's just that it was all starting to pile up in this head of mine.  I had to get it out. 

Tomorrow starts a new year, and as Hubby is working and I am not, I am digging into some major house cleaning/organizing.  Time to start off the new year right, with some actual productivity.  I wish you all the best in the coming year, and I adore all of you.  I can't imagine what I would have done without you. 

One last thing...tomorrow opens this year's Creme de la Creme.  The link will be up as of tomorrow over at Mel's page (Stirrup Queens!!!), so get your reading glasses on, and prepare to read the best of the best!


  1. Even though this isn't a standard year "wrap-up" I still think it's a good post. We're all ovewhelmed with these kinds of feelings sometimes! I understand you missing Africa and I really hope you get to go back someday. I am so sorry about you friend being at the beginning of this incredibly difficult journey. It is really great that she has you to be there for her though! With the nightmare, well I guess my situation is a bit different. You are right to live in the now but in the future if you do want a second bub I imagine you'd go for it? From my own experience I just had to do it no matter what it took, I didn't want DD to be an only child. But if she had been, things would have been fine. I think! Okay, rambling but anyway take care of that little Cricket & enjoy the new year! When is maternity leave for you?

  2. Sending lots of mental hugs to your friend. And, to you.

    Happy new year!

  3. Hey I forgot to tell you I answered your question on my blog about physio!

  4. Hoping the weepiness is just a pregnancy symptom! It can be a lot to take in, though, and I think all the things you mentioned, each by themselves, is enough to make anyone weepy.

    I can relate to your feelings about Africa. Even though The Hubs and I have been back in the US nearly 5 years, I still find myself seeing things about England or seeing someone post on Facebook about a British food and I find my heart aching to be back there. I think I'll always feel the connection.

    Also, can totally and completely relate to the occasional 2am-unable-to-sleep desire to smother the snoring hubby. I get that too sometimes ;D

  5. Hey girl sorry I havent commented just havent been on the blog this past week..not sure why but everytime I get on its late at night and I end up falling asleep with my laptop on my well lap:)...Anyways wow cricket made out big time on Christmas...She/He is one lucky baby:)

    Cheer to a New Year:) I hope 2011 is a great year for both of us!!!


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